As the Universe Conspires

Hello to everyone who is kind enough to provide me with some objective advice.

I recently ended my relationship for the wrong reasons; in fact, the reasons for me ending the relationship had nothing to do with the relationship but with how I was feeling at that very moment. Here is a brief run-down of the situation and the events that followed:

[1] We both finished school and were looking towards continuing to build a future together. For her, that meant finding work and for me it meant continuing my education at the graduate level. I was accepted into a school that is located in her home town, however, in order for me to attend this school we would have had to move back to her home town. This is where things started to turn really sour. For about 5 months I attempted to communicate the importance of the communicating about the potential move; that is, more specifically, establishing a game plan that would work for both of us. Despite my attempts at communicating, it would always be the case that she would say that she is not ready to make that decision. This left me feeling like my concerns were not important to her. Finally, after 5 months of constant effort I decided to end the relationship.

[2] Ending the relationship was not easy by any stretch of the imagination. I said things that were pretty mean and so did she; the end result was me leaving the apartment. I stayed at the local men's shelter for a couple of days as I had no where else to go; well I really had no option as I wanted to keep my job and the only place that I could have went would have been out of town. On the second day of being at the shelter I called her with the hopes of organizing a time when I would be able to pick up my property. During this call it was revealed to me that she had to go to the hospital because she had injured her arm; the extent of this injury was not known to me at the time. In response to this, I immediately signed myself out of the shelter and proceeded to travel to the hospital. Upon my arrival, one of her new friends, a friend that I do not trust or want around my ex, decides that it would be in her best interest to not allow me to see my ex in the hospital. To achieve this, it was explained to the admitting staff that I would arrive to the hospital and create a scene (I know this because my ex told me). This new friend than proceeded to meet me outside of the hospital and blame me for the injury in front of numerous people. She proceeded to say that I was the reason that my ex had bruises and that I was a narcissist and that I did not care about her (none of this is true) etc. After speaking with her new friend I decided enough was enough and I proceeded to contact my exes parents to inform them that there daughter was in the hospital with an apparent arm injury.

[3] Now this is where things get complicated. I can deal with break-ups pretty easily; especially if the relationship ended for the right reasons. However this time around I know that the relationship ended for the wrong reasons and this has been coupled with the severity of the injury. As it turns out, she shattered her humorous bone. It required an eight hour surgery and is going to require a minimum of six months of physio. Over the last week she has been in constant contact with me. Saying that she still loves me and that we are going to work this out for the better etc. I agree, I WANT to work on us; however, I can shake the feeling that she is just using me as an emotional crutch right now given her situation. Any advice and questions are welcomed.

Side-bar: I don't trust or like her new friend for two reasons:

[1] The first time we hung out she kept saying that I view my now ex as nothing more than property. This to me was the first red flag.

[2] There was a night that my ex was intoxicated and her new friend ditched her in the park.

Side-bar:

In no way have I ever physically harmed my ex. She has problems with depression and anxiety and at times turns to alcohol as a form of self-medication. Throughout our relationship I have always put forth the best possible effort to alleviate the problems that were associated with her condition. It should be further noted that I am not an angel by any stretch of the imagination; I have flaws and I have said some pretty mean stuff.

Questions:

[1] Given that I acknowledge ending the relationship was a mistake, should the onus be on me to attempt reconciliation? If yes, given that I acknowledge that ending the relationship was mistake and severity of her injury, how much time should I allow to pass before putting forth an effort?

[2] No contact, while usually being my go during a break-up is out of the question for now. She is going to need all of the support that she can get and I do love her so I will not be abandoning her. Do you think this is a good idea or should I stick to the no-contact rule despite the situation?

Main story [1]: Your decision to end the relationship because of her unwillingness to communicate is an ok reason. [2] Calling her parents sounds like it was a good idea. [3a] How did she break her arm? [3b] The relationship broke. She wouldn't communicate, you ended it. As for now, you both might be using each other as an emotional crutch. What has changed? Are you two communicating about the move? The future together? Ways to improve communication in general? How to handle differences? Looking into couples counseling?

Main story [1]: Your decision to end the relationship because of her unwillingness to communicate is an ok reason. [2] Calling her parents sounds like it was a good idea. [3a] How did she break her arm? [3b] The relationship broke. She wouldn't communicate, you ended it. As for now, you both might be using each other as an emotional crutch. What has changed? Are you two communicating about the move? The future together? Ways to improve communication in general? How to handle differences? Looking into couples counseling?

[1] As per what I was told by her friend and her, she fell in the bathtub. I strongly suspect that this is not the case, however, I do not foresee myself pursuing the complete truth at this stage. As you will see in section [3], I am not really one to allow my suspicions to go unresolved. The story that I was given has glaring inconsistencies, however, given the severity of her injury I am choosing to not pursue the matter any further at this point.

[2] For the most part, current communication has been centered around her injury. We have both expressed that we would like to work things out and possibly get back together.

[a] I have moved to her hometown and she is still in the old city. She has expressed that she does not know what her plans are; I have to respect that, however, I am not entirely sure to what extent I should maintain the belief that things will progress in a way that will not be prejudicial to any potential future reconciliation.

She has expressed that she would like to video chat with me. I am not entirely convinced that this will be a good idea; not just for me but for both of us.

[3] I have taken the liberty of drafting a non-exhaustive list of possible solutions to the problems that we were experiencing. They are as follows:

[a] Developing communication patterns that reflect both of our needs as they may relate to understanding, intimacy and openness. *This is in no way an exhaustive list of where and when communication can be approved.

As it relates to me, I need to be more aware of how I approach certain situations. For instance, when complications arise I have the tendency to want to rely solely on reason which has the effect of me ignoring the emotional aspect of any given situation. Thus, when communication about something minor/serious arises I tend to want to arrive at point C by examining, in their entirety, point A and B. I know that this can be overwhelming and it is something that I am going to have to change.

[c] Giving each other enough space to allow for both us to heal.

Thanks in advance for any further advice that may be forthcoming.

*I apologize for my rigid writing

[1] I do not think the end of your relationship was a mistake or done in haste. You love her, but obviously your visions of the future are compatible and you want different things. On top of this, she refused to communicate with you how she felt about important decisions being made in the relationship. She sounds immature and unsure about committing to you. Her alcohol and depression issues alone would be enough for me to advise you to leave the decision be and work on grieving the relationship. Please do not try to take her back.

[2] No contact should not be used as a tool to manipulate a person into wanting a relationship with you. Considering a primary issue in the relationship was communication, you shutting it off entirely to instill enough fear and loneliness in her in an attempt to persuade her into wanting what you want (i.e. her moving to her hometown with you) is insanity, and in my opinion, very wrong. The original reasons for the breakup do not appear to have changed. Unless they do, go and stay no contact for your healing.

It sounds like you dodged a bullet. She has way too many mood and substance issues to be in a relationship. She needs treatment if she is getting fall down drunk. Don't chase, rescue or try to fix broken people for your own ego. .

Do not send this bullet-pointed quasi-legalese manifesto to her. It sounds arrogant, as if it's a treatment plan written by the in-house psychiatrist or lead counsel handling her "case". It can and will be used against you because whatever you put in writing can be circulated to all her friends, family, social media, etc in a nano second. They will, at best, have a good laugh.

I have taken the liberty of drafting a non-exhaustive list of possible solutions to the problems that we were experiencing.

[1] As per what I was told by her friend and her, she fell in the bathtub. I strongly suspect that this is not the case, however, I do not foresee myself pursuing the complete truth at this stage. As you will see in section [3], I am not really one to allow my suspicions to go unresolved. The story that I was given has glaring inconsistencies, however, given the severity of her injury I am choosing to not pursue the matter any further at this point.

 

[2] For the most part, current communication has been centered around her injury. We have both expressed that we would like to work things out and possibly get back together.

 

[a] I have moved to her hometown and she is still in the old city. She has expressed that she does not know what her plans are; I have to respect that, however, I am not entirely sure to what extent I should maintain the belief that things will progress in a way that will not be prejudicial to any potential future reconciliation.

 

She has expressed that she would like to video chat with me. I am not entirely convinced that this will be a good idea; not just for me but for both of us.

 

[3] I have taken the liberty of drafting a non-exhaustive list of possible solutions to the problems that we were experiencing. They are as follows:

 

[a] Developing communication patterns that reflect both of our needs as they may relate to understanding, intimacy and openness. *This is in no way an exhaustive list of where and when communication can be approved.

 

As it relates to me, I need to be more aware of how I approach certain situations. For instance, when complications arise I have the tendency to want to rely solely on reason which has the effect of me ignoring the emotional aspect of any given situation. Thus, when communication about something minor/serious arises I tend to want to arrive at point C by examining, in their entirety, point A and B. I know that this can be overwhelming and it is something that I am going to have to change.

 

[c] Giving each other enough space to allow for both us to heal.

 

Thanks in advance for any further advice that may be forthcoming.

 

*I apologize for my rigid writing

to clarify she has alcohol abuse problems? What are the other problems in the relationship? Do you put her above yourself at all? Is the relationship healthy outsides of what you have mentioned? Any former abuse issues on either side? Do you feel the need to care for her at all to the point you put her above yourself? Feel the need to fix her or be there for her at all?

Not trying to judge at all... but answering those questions would help me give you some good answers. If you can handle it I don't think it is necessary to go NC.

to clarify she has alcohol abuse problems? What are the other problems in the relationship? Do you put her above yourself at all? Is the relationship healthy outsides of what you have mentioned? Any former abuse issues on either side? Do you feel the need to care for her at all to the point you put her above yourself? Feel the need to fix her or be there for her at all?

 

 

Not trying to judge at all... but answering those questions would help me give you some good answers. If you can handle it I don't think it is necessary to go NC.

Thank you for your questions.

[1] Alcohol generally enters the picture when she starts experiencing anxiety or depression. As per what she has stated to me, it is during these times she turns to alcohol for a "confidence boost". She further expressed that she is aware that this boost in confidence is fabricated and does not exist in any natural form.

[2] After carefully reviewing the problems that we have experienced in our relationship, I am confidant in my conclusion that most of our problems are rooted in alcohol use. I have identified some of the more major issues:

[a] When she is drinking, she often attempts to hide the fact that she is drinking; even in the face of evidence that stands in clear contradiction of the facts as they actually exist.

When she is drinking she has the tendency to project her problematic behaviors onto others. Thus, her arrogance, amplified by the alcohol, is falsely perceived to be arrogance by those who are truly arrogant; those who are truly arrogant, according to her, are those who claim to recognize her problematic behaviors.

[c] For the last few months there has been a lack of intimacy. For me, this is/was not a big issue due in part to the fact that I understand that anxiety and depression can have as residual effect a decrease in intimacy.

[3] When she is not depressed or experiencing heightened anxiety the relationship is more than just functional.

[4] From what I was able to deduce, she has experienced significant trauma from past relationships. If I am to take her word as truth, it is to my understanding that most if not all of her relationships have ended with the man walking away from her. As to physical mental abuse, I don't think any of that existed prior to our relationship (none existed in our relationship). As it relates to me, it has been suggested by some professionals that I may have PTSD. Such a conclusion was drawn from the fact that I have witnessed a significant amount violence.

[5] The only time where I do not view us as equals is when she is experiencing depression and anxiety. It is during these times I put my needs on hold in order to attempt to ensure that she regains the belief that everything will be ok. I am not in the business of "fixing people" however if they want to fix themselves I have no problem standing by their side during the process.

Thank you again for your questions.

Thank you for your questions.

 

[1] Alcohol generally enters the picture when she starts experiencing anxiety or depression. As per what she has stated to me, it is during these times she turns to alcohol for a "confidence boost". She further expressed that she is aware that this boost in confidence is fabricated and does not exist in any natural form.

 

[2] After carefully reviewing the problems that we have experienced in our relationship, I am confidant in my conclusion that most of our problems are rooted in alcohol use. I have identified some of the more major issues:

 

[a] When she is drinking, she often attempts to hide the fact that she is drinking; even in the face of evidence that stands in clear contradiction of the facts as they actually exist.

 

When she is drinking she has the tendency to project her problematic behaviors onto others. Thus, her arrogance, amplified by the alcohol, is falsely perceived to be arrogance by those who are truly arrogant; those who are truly arrogant, according to her, are those who claim to recognize her problematic behaviors.

 

[c] For the last few months there has been a lack of intimacy. For me, this is/was not a big issue due in part to the fact that I understand that anxiety and depression can have as residual effect a decrease in intimacy.

 

[3] When she is not depressed or experiencing heightened anxiety the relationship is more than just functional.

 

[4] From what I was able to deduce, she has experienced significant trauma from past relationships. If I am to take her word as truth, it is to my understanding that most if not all of her relationships have ended with the man walking away from her. As to physical mental abuse, I don't think any of that existed prior to our relationship (none existed in our relationship). As it relates to me, it has been suggested by some professionals that I may have PTSD. Such a conclusion was drawn from the fact that I have witnessed a significant amount violence.

 

[5] The only time where I do not view us as equals is when she is experiencing depression and anxiety. It is during these times I put my needs on hold in order to attempt to ensure that she regains the belief that everything will be ok. I am not in the business of "fixing people" however if they want to fix themselves I have no problem standing by their side during the process.

 

Thank you again for your questions.

Understand I'm just calling it how I see it. I try not to Judge. I can tell you're super analytical (I am too). You probably want to try to understand this as much as you can to make the right decision...I think it is in your best interest to move on from the relationship or you're most likely in for a roller coaster ride. She has a problem with alcohol and it seems to be worsening. If she does not address it, it will most likely get worse. You know you cant' fix it. If what you say is true you do seem healthy. The truth is she is self medicating. She may also have a chemical imbalance. She probably should see someone if she isn't already.

I'm just giving you my background as an example. I did not have any major issues that caused me to develop into someone that was in a codependent relationship. My parents had a healthy relationship... 85 percent of families are probably on some level dysfunctional. My issue stems from possible abandonment at a young age and potentially just not ever feeling good enough for my parents. They had extremely high standards. I did excellent in sports and school and it was always about what I could do better. It was THAT simple. It hurt me. I never noticed it and neither did they until my last relationship when I finally got to the root of my issues. I never felt good. I didn't understand "self" because I was never told you are great, or you should feel great. It was always that was good but you could do this better.

Take a look inside. I'm not sure that she's really telling you the truth about her past. Anxiety and depression are either a chemical imbalance or from dis-ease or both. There's something going on causing it, or something that has happened that is probably deeper rooted than what you are being lead to believe. This is just in my experience and then seeing it on this forum. This type of thing is not uncommon. People underestimate how fragile and then resilient we can be. The key is that fragility will still cause issues no matter how resilient we are until it is addressed properly. There's a need to identify it and then take care of it as best as you can and be aware of it.

You have to worry about you and what is best for you in this situation, hell damn near any situation. I would proceed with your original plans, and if it's meant to be it will find a way one way or another. Sometimes part of love is knowing when to let go. Take some time, try to relax... let everything go for a few moments and really think what is right for you in this situation at this time in your life. I believe in attraction and that we are all connected. There's not one soul mate for you. There's thousands. Experience and Growth my friend.