Attracted to the wrong woman

I attend a church and am an active server in the community.

I generally have good relations with my churchnates and am very happy serving there.

I got close to a particular sister whom I serve very closely with.

She is having marital problems and needed a listening ear, which I gladly offered.

As time passes and as we shared more deeply, I began to know her better.

I began to see her as such a Godly woman who chooses to standby her husband despite his abandonment. She choose to suffer his silence and refused to abandon him, and continues to pray for hin to return to God even though he hurt her really badly.

As we serve closely in the same ministries, we see each alot. I ended up getting attracted to her... the problem is... I'm married too.

I know very well that I'm living in Sin by having thia attraction. In fact, I tried to limit personal contact with her by having my wife around when we are out. My wife knows her well too... we also set up a group chat for accountability sake... which limits me from messaging her personally, which is good...

But the problem is, despite of these measures, I cannot stop myself from thinking about her. She is a Godly woman whom I respect, and such an admirable spirit who is greatly dampened by her husband. She is also physically attractive.

I never attempted to make any advances towards her as I know full well that would be a sin, but I cannot stop myself from missing her terribly everyday, and I feel bad because I am married.

I know the practical solution is to break all contact with her. But the problem is, since we are serving so closely a few ministries, avoiding contact will raise questions. I am also a leader, which makes it difficult for me to share my struggle with anyone and get any form of prayer support. I am really struggling alone and yet I need help.

Please pray that I am able to get out of this and continue to be obedient to God to love my wife and Christ love the church.

You have not acted on temptation which is good. Does your church have confession? Availing yourself of that would be good. When she asks for an ear I would try changing the subject and emotionally distance yourself from her predicament since you are not part of it. Emotional distance or even physical distance may be necessary.

Let me preface this by saying that I'm not at all a religious person, so we may have differing beliefs about what constitutes sinful behavior.

That said, I think it's not uncommon—or sinful—to develop crush-like feelings (emotional and physical) for someone even when you (and/or they) are in a relationship. It is not a verdict on your wife, or your commitment to her, or the health of your marriage. It is simply the complexity of humanity. In short, it happens.

You sound like you're navigating the situation with grace and integrity. You're taking steps to keep the intimacy from developing, and to not compartmentalize this relationship outside of your others. And, yes, it sounds like you may need to put a bit more distance between you guys, even if it means letting her know that you're not comfortable talking about her marriage anymore.

If possible, you can use this new energy to go deeper with your wife—make a date, ask her intimate questions, explore each other in a new way. Again, I'm not religious, but when I'm in a relationship with a woman I don't expect her to suddenly lose all attraction and interest in other men. I assume it's inevitable, and in ways I can even be excited to know that the individual in her (the person I first met, the mystery of another soul) is not something I can ever possess, but simply respect and be in awe of. I ask women to take that attraction to others and pour it back into what we have, and I do the same. When that happens, the attraction often fades and your relationship strengthens.

Look up articles on emotional affairs and you will see yourself there, and the articles should give you hints on extracting yourself from one. You were susceptible to one one because the emotional connection between you and your wife is lacking. That's the first thing you need to address. Read some articles on reestablishing that connection. Ideas? Find a new hobby, like tango dancing, you can both enjoy. Write her a letter about everything you appreciate about her. Go to a couples store and buy new items for bedroom use.

You were not the person this other woman should've been confiding her marital problems to. You ae going to have to distance yourself by letting her know you're no longer comfortable hearing about her problems if she approaches her. If she wants to chit-chat with you, cut it short and say you have to get back to whatever task you're performing. Over time, you can come to see her as any other church member if you keep your boundaries.

In the mean time, couldn't you take a break from those volunteer activities? It's nobody's business why you do this, but you could say that you're feeling like you need some alone time to mentally refresh or whatever words you want to use. You could also seek other volunteer activities that don't involve the ministries if you feel like it's hurting your marriage. What other people assume should be irrelevant when it comes to salvaging your marriage.

This is your wake up call that your marriage needs work, and only you can make that effort, and put up boundaries with others to ensure you're doing what's right for the woman you promised to honor through life.

You need to run away from temptation. Are you able to recommend this woman some Christian counsellors? If she refuses to see them, then find another leader who might be able to help her. As for you, please step away.

Talk to your pastor or another trusted man about what you are struggling with and seek to change some of the ministries you are involved in if it’ll help increase distance between yourself and this woman. If she should ever come to you with her problems again stop her cold and suggest that she speak with another woman in the church or to the pastor’s wife. She should never have been allowed to make you her sounding board in the first place. When it comes to protecting your marriage the least of your concerns should be people wondering why you two aren’t communicating as much. If you want to protect your marriage you may have to take drastic measures. Prayer is great but action on your part is needed to avoid a full blown affair and destruction of your marriage.

Remember that you've only heard one side of the story and remember the old saying about that, there is one side of the story and another side of the story, but the truth is somewhere in the middle. Meaning that she isn't quite as Godly and amazing as you are allowing yourself to believe and her husband isn't as evil as she tells. You are quite literally caught up in quite a bit of fantasy.

Unfortunately, you do need to distance yourself from her completely. Letting her cry on your shoulder like that was inappropriate and I hope you are learning a lesson about that. Next time, direct any woman who tries that to another female in the congregation.

Overall, you seem to be more concerned about what others think, than your wife and the health of your marriage. Because of your concern about other people's opinions, real or imagined, you are in effect neglecting those who are closest to you. Time to rethink what you are doing and who you are trying to impress and get your priorities straightened out.

 

I know the practical solution is to break all contact with her. But the problem is, since we are serving so closely a few ministries, avoiding contact will raise questions. I am also a leader, which makes it difficult for me to share my struggle with anyone and get any form of prayer support. I am really struggling alone and yet I need help.

 

Quite a trap you've gotten yourself into.

If it were me? I would do what you say you know you have to do.

Your ministry is not so important as your personal integrity. Your ego tells you that you must be in this leadership role. I don't think Jesus tells you that. No offense meant by that statement.

Stop being a sounding board for her to vent about her marriage. You're the wrong person for her to talk to about it.

BTW, you may be confusing her wanting to tell you of her troubles as somehow being "something else."

It's not.

BTW II, So what if questions as to why you are ending your leadership roles get asked. You just do it.

BTW III, please do not point to her as the reason for your issues. They are yours alone. If you bring her up in your church, it drags her into your issues and that is not fair to her.

Thank you all for your wonderful advise. I will cease communication with her.

despite of these measures, I cannot stop myself from thinking about her.

It will all be better with time and limiting contact. I also at one time was attracted to someone who was married and could not stop thinking about her. A few months later I can say there is no strong attraction anymore.