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GF had sex with ex the night before we met


Gibraltar

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Hey everyone,

 

So I met my current gf of 6 months online. She decided to break it to me a couple of days ago that the night before we first met in person (we had been talking online for about a week at this time), she ran into her ex boyfriend at a bar. She claims that the relationship sort of just faded about a year prior and she never received any closure. Long story short, she ended up having sex with him that night. We met in person for the first time the next day and she claims that she has never slept or hooked up with anyone other than me beginning that day; she admits that she feels we were exclusive starting the first day.

 

I really want to believe her, but this is bothering me quite a bit. The first thing that gets me is that it wasn't her randomly deciding to come clean due to it bothering her. She did it because we were sitting at my apartment pool, and it just so happens that one of her exes friends lives here and showed up to the pool at the same time. The second thing is the timing. I understand that at that point we had never actually met each other so she is free to sleep with whomever she wants, but it bothers me that she couldn't hold off for one more day until she actually met me to determine if she really even required any closure with her ex (which is making me skeptical about the whole one day before thing, seems a little too convenient). The last thing is the nature of the relationship. It would be easier for me to accept if it was some random drunk hookup (albeit I would still be bothered), but when it is an ex boyfriend it implies that there were real feelings involved and it's hard for me to believe those feelings stopped that night or upon first meeting me.

 

Would any of you be bothered by this? As of right now it is still fresh in my mind so my thoughts are swirling, but I'm starting to wonder if trust is going to be an issue.

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The only reason this would bother me is, does she still have contact with him? What was the nature/purpose of the hookup? Was it simply a booty call for both of them, or did she want to get back together?

 

If she's still in contact with him, in any way, then yeah, that would bother me. I'd want the clean slate: no texting, no social media, the whole deal.

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I would sincerely question her morals and where her head is at.

 

She had already spent a week talking to you and getting to know you. I am assuming she was looking for a connection and a relationship. If that was so, why go back to the ex so quickly?

And yes, it would hurt anyone's feeling to think that you and she found some sort of connection and yet she's in bed with her ex at the same time.

 

It would make me question who she is and how sensible she is, maybe even how moral she is.

 

On the other hand, she didn't have to tell you and you have spent six months together. Maybe she truly does want the past to be in the past now and wants you to know everything so nothing is hidden from you.

You could take that as a good thing.

 

It comes down to you and what you're okay with and if you think she is worth it. It's difficult to say from anyone else's point of view as you are the one who has spent all this time with her and would know if she's a good person or not.

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I wouldn't let it bother you....she hadn't even MET you yet....let alone be exclusive. It's what she's doing NOW that counts...If she hasn't done anything to cause you to worry....then quit looking for reason to be insecure and jealous. It's NOT BECOMING....and a turn off. Be glad she's with you....talking for a week does NOT make a relationship.

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Yeah, I would’ve wished to not know that as it isn’t important to now. She didn’t need to tell you, and it was an honest act.

 

It would bother me for a while here and there. It would annoying nag my brain for awhile, but eventually it will pass if you let it. It doesn’t have anything to do with the two of you or your relationship. She met you and even considered herself exclusive to you right away.. assumingly because she likes you that much. Try to focus more on that thought when the retroactive jealousy rears it’s head.

 

My advice would be to not bring it up to her though because will you really hear anything that’ll make you feel better about it? Try to focus on the “what is” rather than the “what if’s”.

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I wouldn't let it bother you....she hadn't even MET you yet....let alone be exclusive. It's what she's doing NOW that counts...If she hasn't done anything to cause you to worry....then quit looking for reason to be insecure and jealous. It's NOT BECOMING....and a turn off. Be glad she's with you....talking for a week does NOT make a relationship.

 

I agree. Figure out how to let this go or you will ruin your relationship with her.

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Hey everyone,

 

So I met my current gf of 6 months online. She decided to break it to me a couple of days ago that the night before we first met in person (we had been talking online for about a week at this time), she ran into her ex boyfriend at a bar. She claims that the relationship sort of just faded about a year prior and she never received any closure. Long story short, she ended up having sex with him that night. We met in person for the first time the next day and she claims that she has never slept or hooked up with anyone other than me beginning that day; she admits that she feels we were exclusive starting the first day.

 

I really want to believe her, but this is bothering me quite a bit. The first thing that gets me is that it wasn't her randomly deciding to come clean due to it bothering her. She did it because we were sitting at my apartment pool, and it just so happens that one of her exes friends lives here and showed up to the pool at the same time. The second thing is the timing. I understand that at that point we had never actually met each other so she is free to sleep with whomever she wants, but it bothers me that she couldn't hold off for one more day until she actually met me to determine if she really even required any closure with her ex (which is making me skeptical about the whole one day before thing, seems a little too convenient). The last thing is the nature of the relationship. It would be easier for me to accept if it was some random drunk hookup (albeit I would still be bothered), but when it is an ex boyfriend it implies that there were real feelings involved and it's hard for me to believe those feelings stopped that night or upon first meeting me.

 

Would any of you be bothered by this? As of right now it is still fresh in my mind so my thoughts are swirling, but I'm starting to wonder if trust is going to be an issue.

If she's not still in contact with him, and she's devoted to you, why would this bother you? You weren't together. You hadn't even met. She owed you no exclusivity.

 

Despite reconnecting with her ex, she chose you.

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I also met my bf on line and we talked for two weeks (and connected mentally) prior to meeting in person. We have been dating for five months.

 

Imagining if he now sprang on me that the night before he met me he had sex with his ex would definitely bother me!

 

Having sex with his ex suggests he had not fully moved on, still had feelings, and one thing I am adamant about when embarking on a new relationship is that he be 100% fully moved on from his ex!

 

So no this would not sit well with me, I would have tons of questions, like why and if he is, in fact, over her!

 

It would bring out all sorts of anxieties and insecurites.

 

Not sure how I would deal with it but NO it would not sit well with me at all.

 

OP I understand how you feel and empathize.

 

What are you leaning towards doing?

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To add, logically I would realize we had not even met in person yet, but emotionally is an entirely different story for reasons stated in my previous post.

 

I am actually pretty shocked that others would be so cool about it.

 

Random hook up would not bother me so much, but the fact it was his EX, again suggests he (or in OP's case, she) still had feelings for the ex, not a good way to begin new relationship with new person.

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Honestly, she was just talking to you online for a week and it would have been totally fine for her to be talking to multiple guys at that point. She had no idea if the first meeting was going to be meeting her next boyfriend or some creep. I don't really know why she felt the need to tell you at all, honestly.

 

 

she couldn't hold off for one more day until she actually met me to determine if she really even required any closure with her ex

 

So...you would have wanted to date someone who told you after 2-3 months of dating that she needed "closure" with her ex?? How would that feel? pretty terrible i imagine. So she started talking to you - maybe thought you were interested and decided to have closure with the ex before you actually met?

 

we all want to believe someone is just sitting around waiting for us to show up in their life

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I met my husband while on vacation. We talked online for a year before he came to visit to see if there was any chemistry. He flew to a completely different continent to see me. About a week before he did, I made out with a guy I had been semi interested in for a while.

 

It wasn't a lack of morals, and I technically didn't owe my husband anything. I wasn't sure if the physical connection would be there and frankly when the other opportunity presented itself I took it. Once I met my husband in person again, I knew I wasn't interested in anyone else and we decided to pursue a very long distance relationship. We've now been together over a decade and have a child

 

If he let what happened before we met in person bother him, that might not have been the case. Don't let the past become an enemy of the present.

 

This girl is not immoral. She's not a bad person. She made a choice that she was free to make at the time and still chose you.

 

You can choose to get over it and focus on what you have.

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I totally agree, what was the reason she told you?

 

From all I can tell it was due to his friend (or at least someone he knows) living at the same apartment building as me. She did mention that it was bothering her, but I don't think it ever would have come up if said friend didn't show up at the pool. Later that night she could tell it was bothering me, as I was quieter than usual, and she ended up crying saying that she would have been bothered as well if I had done the same thing.

 

I guess what bothers me most about this whole thing is that during our early stages of dating there were a lot of discussions about us both struggling to find that person we actually care about and feel comfortable around, so now knowing that this happened the night before we met kind of makes me second guess the whole premise of our meeting/relationship. I do believe that she truly cares about me and only wants to be with me at this time, so I am trying to just let this go and not make her feel bad about it, but like SherrySher said, it kind of takes the wind out of my sails.

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Honestly, she was just talking to you online for a week and it would have been totally fine for her to be talking to multiple guys at that point. She had no idea if the first meeting was going to be meeting her next boyfriend or some creep. I don't really know why she felt the need to tell you at all, honestly.

 

 

she couldn't hold off for one more day until she actually met me to determine if she really even required any closure with her ex

 

So...you would have wanted to date someone who told you after 2-3 months of dating that she needed "closure" with her ex?? How would that feel? pretty terrible i imagine. So she started talking to you - maybe thought you were interested and decided to have closure with the ex before you actually met?

 

we all want to believe someone is just sitting around waiting for us to show up in their life

 

I told her later that night that I would have preferred she never told me, I am guessing seeing his friend brought up some guilty feeling that she wanted to get out.

 

she couldn't hold off for one more day until she actually met me to determine if she really even required any closure with her ex

 

She said that upon meeting me she felt we were exclusive (we didn't actually have this conversation for another month and half). So what I meant by this is, she knew she would be meeting me the next day so why couldn't she just tell the guy that she is going on a date tomorrow and depending on how it goes she'll contact him. To me, things like this are very simple, if the guy/girl was really worth it then they wouldn't be an ex.

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Gibraltar, did she give you a reason why she did it? Have sex with her EX?

 

That is what would bother me most I think, not that she had sex, but that it was with her EX (see my previous post).

 

Did she still have feelings for him when she met you? Having sex with him would certainly suggest she did, would it not?

 

Does she still have feelings for him?

 

Agree with Sherry, yes it would most definitely take the wind out of my sails and also cause me to lose trust, assuming she told you she had 100% moved on from her ex when she met you, which obviosly was not true otherwise she would not have had sex with him the night before she met you.

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Gibraltar, did she give you a reason why she did it? Have sex with her EX?

 

That is what would bother me most I think, not that she had sex, but that it was with her EX (see my previous post).

 

Did she still have feelings for him when she met you? Having sex with him would certainly suggest she did, would it not?

 

Does she still have feelings for him?

 

Agree with Sherry, yes it would most definitely take the wind out of my sails and also cause me to lose trust, assuming she told you she had 100% moved on from her when she met you, which obviosly was not true otherwise she would not have had sex with him the night before she met you.

 

So according to her it was for closure (not sure why sex was needed for this). She said that they had dated about two years ago for 3-4 months and that the relationship just kind of faded without any reason as to why (maybe they weren't all that serious to begin with, I have no idea). She said she hadn't seen him for a year until randomly bumping into him at a bar the night before we met and they ended up sleeping together. I'd like to believe everything she said, but the timeline is what gets to me. Randomly bumping into him the night before we met just seems to coincidental. I am sort of thinking that she hooked up with him when we first began dating, but at this point I think prodding her to get that sort of information wouldn't do anyone any good. I do believe her that there is zero contact between the two of them now, so I'm trying to just move on from it, but I felt the need to vent somewhere and hear other's opinions on the matter.

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I have NEVER heard of anyone having sex with their ex for "closure" after randomly seeing him/her at a bar, so if it were me I would be calling BS on that.

 

Having one last conversation, assuming some things were left unsaid, understandable but NOT having sex. That's crazy.

 

Agree badgering her about it would serve no good purpose so you either have to accept or walk. For me, trust would be broken especially after such a flimsy and dishonest explanation so I might consider walking, or at the very least pulling back to gather thoughts and reassess our relationship.

 

Six months is still very early stages in the grand scheme.

 

Good luck whatever you choose to do.

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I also echo what some others asked, why the H would she tell you this now? After six months? What purpose could this possibly serve?

 

It doesn't sound like she's over him G, otherwise she would never have mentioned it, or had sex with him in the first place. JMO on that though.

 

Sorry.

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