Is There Any Chance She Might Come Back?

Basically back at the beginning of January I met a slightly older woman and we kind of hit it off, I'm 38 by the way. Well to cut a long story short, I was seeing her quite intensely... I don't really know how to describe the relationship as we weren't boyfriend/girlfriend but it was a lot more than friends with benefits. She's 45, three kids and just divorced although she's still living with her ex-husband - they been separated for 18 months now, have separate rooms and the house is up for sale although taking forever to sell but they are also trying to make it easy on their kids.

Anyway so the story is that from January to May we were seeing each other pretty intensely, almost every night and we even went away for Valentines Day and her birthday. When we weren't together it was whatsapp 24/7. Everything was going good but at the end of April she started saying things like she felt she was holding me back from meeting someone my own age and possibly having a family of my own, I told her to stop overthinking but she was adamant that we should take a break. So we went for three weeks in May without any contact, I got back in touch with her and we chatted a bit and she dropped the bombshell that she had started seeing someone. It hit me quite hard and I went a week feeling like rubbish in all honesty and eventually messaged her a long winded message saying I wanted her to be happy and couldn't do the friend thing. I then blocked her and deleted her from FB. Kept her blocked for about a week before messaging her just before I went on holiday for a few days saying I had fallen for her, wanted to be with her, didn't care about the complications, baggage, etc, etch. It was all true.

We then arranged to meet up when I got back and went for a meal and to the cinema at the beginning of June, I fully expected us to just be friends and she was going to let me down gently after having sent that message but in the cinema she held my hand and then afterwards we went back to mine. I thought we were back together. I asked her about the guy she had been seeing and she said it was over and nothing, was just a couple of dates. A couple of days later she was working in another part of town and her company put her up so I went to stay over at the hotel she had been put up in and we went out in the evening, the entire night she seemed really distracted and was on whatsapp a lot, almost every opportunity she had like when I went to the bar or the toilet. I called her up on it and she said it was nothing. We saw each other a few other times in June but it was constantly on my mind.

I had also noticed that she wasn't messaging me anywhere as near as much as when we first got together and it sounds a bit stalkery but everytime I went on Whatsapp I could see she was online, I'd message her and even though she was online it would take sometimes an hour to respond and it felt like someone was more her priority. Throughout most of June it just felt like I was making all the effort to message her and it was a chore to her. She also kept going out with her friends on a Friday or Saturday night rather than see me. Then I noticed one time when she came over to mine and we were on the sofa watching tv but she then went on whatsapp, a few times she leaned forward so I wouldn't be able to see who she was messaging. I caught a glimpse of her whatsapp and there was 4 numbers there where she hadn't saved them as a contact so instead of a name you just see +4479 and then the rest of the number. I'm assuming now these were guys who had given her their numbers on nights out or something along those lines.

This was massively bugging me so a few days after that I sent her a long message asking what was going on and if she was in an emotional relationship with someone else and she wrote back saying that she wasn't seeing anyone but in a roundabout way was keeping her options open - she's always maintained that long term she needs someone her own age and who also has kids. I didn't really know what to think and she said can we just keep things casual. I didn't really want to but kind of agreed but she kept coming up with excuses whereby she couldn't see me.

We met up for a drink just over a month ago and spoke a bit about it and she asked if it were possible for us just to be friends. I told her I don't think I can and said I obviously want more, told her to sleep on it and the next night she sent me a message saying: "Rich sorry but gonna take a break I'm sorry don't worry I won't block you as we can still stay in touch x things are different in not feeling it anymore x sorry x". I asked if there was someone else and she replied with "Of course I meet people when I go out I suppose i won't know what I'm looking for until it hits me". The final message she sent read "I suppose I just need to fancy someone more please don't feel bad I know you have tried harder lately buts it's not enough sorry".

And that's it really, I didn't reply to that and haven't contacted her since - 45 days no contact today actually. She messaged me the night after ending it with 'You ok?' and I didn't reply and a couple of weeks ago tried to reach out if you can call it that by challenging me to a game of Words with Friends on Facebook, again I ignored and deleted her as a Facebook friend a few days after that. Going through a second break up with her in the space of a couple of months and it sucks a bit I suppose. the next couple of weeks are going to be tough as we had planned to go away on holiday but now I'm wondering what she's doing and who she is with as her ex-husband is away for two weeks with the kids.

I guess it's probably finally over and just wanted to write it all down to get it off my chest and maybe get some advice. Was I just a fling/rebound from her marriage to her? My head is all over the place really. Do you think she'll get back in touch with me at some point again? I don't know what I'll do if she does.

Don't waste time on someone like that. Find a woman in your life-stage with her own place.

This was never going to work, OP. Unfortunately, yes, I would say you were her rebound.

She doesn't view you as long-term material, and that's not your fault. Please don't try to change yourself or your future goals because you think it's what she wants. Whether she's being honest about her reasoning or whether it's something else, she's been quite clear it's not going to be anything more than casual.

She might try to get in touch when her current interest tires of her ongoing co-habitation with her ex, but please, don't go back for more. She isn't looking the same things you are, and really, can't offer much of a relationship anything when her ex lives down the hall from her.

You should have been done, after she dumped you for someone she went out with a few times. More importantly, she has repeatedly told you that there is no future. You need to listen to people.

I also think she was shady for stringing you along while she was talking to others. There was no commitment, but she knew how you felt. Selfish!

Block her.

Man you were gaga over this chick. You pursued her way too much by the way. I'm with those above who said rebound, as she was hot for you in the beginning then cooled it off to date others, as this is how women who rebound usually act.

So she tells you she needs space and you don't talk for 3 weeks then YOU contact her. Then you find out she's dating so you block her then can't take it anymore and YOU spew out all your feelings. Then you follow her to her hotel to stay with her then it sounded like at that time it didn't work out with the other guy so she decided to use you as the security blanket then gets back to messaging other guys. Then you stalk her online wondering why she isn't paying attention to you. Oh, and the part where she says she needs someone her own age with kids is a big fat EXCUSE.

You just chased her way too much and you can't do that with a woman just out of a marriage because her emotions will be all over the place. You needed to let her decide, let her come to you. Way too much time together too and way too much messaging each other.

You did do one thing right though and told her you can't be friends and her sending you that game request was to see if you'd cave and be her friend and you didn't so good job. Never message her again and if she gets back in contact with you set up a date and get off the phone and if she hems and haws about setting up a date tell her to get in touch if she changes her mind but you can't be friends with women your attracted to.

Always remember you don't have control over another person, you only have control over what you do.

Maybe it can work out in the future, after she has time to think and sort out her emotions but until this may or may not happen DO NOT CONTACT HER AT ALL. This is the only way to possibly have a 2nd chance in the future. If you do contact her she will permanently leave you in friendzone forever.

I do think in that final month before she ended things she did mess me around and probably saw me as a backup.

I guess it was the first 4 months that were amazing, I have never been showered with that much love, attention and affection before. I honest thought she truly loved me.

Even the final month when she was texting other guys she said she had never met anyone who cared for her as much as I did and she didn't think it was possible to have a boyfriend who was also her best friend. I guess those could all just be words though.

I feel stupid that I sent her so many insecure messages about her being on whatsapp a lot and taking so long to reply to me. In a way I wonder if my neediness contributed to her losing what she once felt for me.

Do you think her last message about needing to be with someone she fancies more means she wants to be with someone who she just fancies physically. There was this one guy I was certain something was going on with on whatsapp, he was the main reason I kept calling her up on it and was the name I saw with a few kisses. I looked at his facebook & twitter (couldn't help it when I saw his name) and he was basically the exact opposite of me.... looks like a tattooed football hooligan, alpha male and a complete bigot with the stuff he posts.

I know I'm overthinking stuff and I shouldn't but just trying to make sense of her final messages to me. Did she just lose attraction to me within a couple of weeks or was it a way of trying to let me go.

I would say she started last attraction in April or whenever it was she started getting colder.

She said you were too young and that she does not see a future with you. Her words.

I don't think she treated you with respect in the second go round. You need to be done and move on. And, if that is the type of guy she likes, then you should be turned off by her judgement. It says a lot about her.

Move on and block . Find someone who values and respects you.

I can see how being showered with affection at the beginning could throw you off. It's amazing how women can be like that then go cold like you meant nothing at all. You almost have to play games with them to keep their attraction. Once they know they have you they think "who else can I get?" Especially coming out of a relationship. It takes them longer than guys to fall in love usually.

As for the other guy..."looks like a tattooed football hooligan, alpha male and a complete bigot with the stuff he posts." If this guy is an alpha and has his own mind with his beliefs - Umm this is what women like whether they admit it or not, not a beta chaser soyboy who wants to be a pleaser.

She's on the rebound from her recent divorce and going through a midlife crisis. It's not about you.

Do you think her last message about needing to be with someone she fancies more means she wants to be with someone who she just fancies physically....he was basically the exact opposite of me.

She's on the rebound, meeting lots of other guys, and wants someone with kids more her age. She doesn't feel it for you the way she thinks she should. Sorry. You do deserve a fully committed woman who wants more than a casual thing.

Ugh I made the mistake of adding her number back into my phone last night.

Didn't message her but just saw that she was online on Whatsapp for most of the evening which in all likelihood means that she is seeing someone new. I did think she was as her ex husband and kids were away for two weeks earlier this month so I assume she used the freedom and time to get into something new. Plus obviously she hasn't reached out in the time since saying she wanted to take a break.

Has made me feel awful today. I won't be doing that again.

Feels like I'm back to square one again six weeks after she ended it with me.

Sorry this all happened. Is whatsapp the new Tinder? Thought it was for wifi talk/text without incurring additional phone or international charges.

Yeah, as tempting as it is, it's time to block and delete her from all messaging and social media.

Didn't message her but just saw that she was online on Whatsapp for most of the evening which in all likelihood means that she is seeing someone new.

I couldn’t help but feel sad when I read your heartfelt post and I wanted to offer some advice as you situation has many similarities to my own.

I also wanted to commend you on how courageous you have been dealing with this. It doesn’t feel like it when you are hurting, but you will get through this and meet someone that truly deserves and appreciates you.

You sound like a caring, genuine, great guy. There are plenty of ladies who would welcome you into their lives.

There are so many bad boys, players and people with no morals and respect out there that you are a breath of fresh air!

Whilst I kind-of get that she ‘needs to fancy someone more’ and there has to be a connection, that demonstrates clearly how pretentious and superficial she is.

I am sure that you are no Adonis, but what she has blindly failed to see or realise is that personality is FAR more important than physical attributes and you have that in spades. Many women (inc myself!) would welcome you into their lives with open arms, you will meet someone special and when you do you will barely give this girl a second thought.

I wish you the very best of luck finding someone special, you do truly deserve it.

I know more than most how much he hurts, it’s horrific to be rejected when you really love someone, but the reality is that this would never have worked because she was not the ‘right’ one for you.

Take care of yourself, maybe try and keep busy, take on a new sport or hobby to keep your mind away from her. When I was going through a difficult situation I found that yoga and mindfulness worked for me. They kept me calm and grounded.

I am confident that you won’t be single for long, just try and build your confidence a little and it will come!

Take care.....

ps. What dating website did you say you were on, lol!!!

No, she's not coming back.

I think she was quite honest with you, she felt you were incompatible and she wanted something different. She even went into specifics with you on the fact that she wanted to be with someone who also had kids.

That might not mean much to you but it is important to single parents to date someone who can understand and is in a similar position.

She also told you she didn't feel you were in the same place in life and that she didn't feel things as strongly as maybe she should.

I honestly think she was more than fair in letting you know why it wouldn't work.

You need to come to terms with it all and find a way now to let it go.

When two people meet it can seem great but it doesn't always mean that they are compatible. It takes time to find that out for sure and even though you felt it on your end, unfortunately, she didn't feel it on hers.

This wasn't your fault or a flaw in you, it was just not being similar enough.

What dating website did you say you were on, lol!!!

Bluemoon, this is a site for people who are having problems, not a pick up spot. Please don't take advantage of those who are already in pain.

Bluemoon, this is a site for people who are having problems, not a pick up spot. Please don't take advantage of those who are already in pain.

It's also better for everyone, especially people recovering from breakups, to avoid dating entirely until they're emotionally comfortable and independent, if not fully happy with being single.

She's on the rebound from her recent divorce and going through a midlife crisis. It's not about you.

Exactly. And now you've been through this process, know the inputs/processes/outputs of the cycle for being used as a rebound. You'll know the signs of when someone is on the rebound and you'll know how to avoid this again.

11moreweeks Are you actually serious. It was a little light hearted humour to make the guy smile, maybe you should get a sense of humour and lighten up. That is ridiculous, how dare you judge.

I am well aware of what it is like to go through a break-up, prob more than most, so do not criticize or patronize me.

The message also for SherrySher.....

The both of you need to get a sense of humour and learn to detach reality from a little lightheartness meant to make the OP smile

I'm not sure if you noticed Bluemoon, but the man who wrote this post is in a lot of pain. That should be recognized. Sometimes humor isn't the time or place.

No doubt he will find his smile again, but for the time being, it's not appropriate.

I apologize for offending you, Bluemoon. I neither mean to criticize nor patronize you. I figured what you said was largely a joke, and I meant for my comment to mostly be directed at the OP (or any other given reader) who may ignore the value in not dating for a good amount of time after a breakup.

Patronizing? Wow...someone hit a sore spot.

But truth be told, someone would have eventually said something, you made it sound as though you were trying to pick him up and this ain't the site for that.

I couldn’t help but feel sad when I read your heartfelt post and I wanted to offer some advice as you situation has many similarities to my own.

 

I also wanted to commend you on how courageous you have been dealing with this. It doesn’t feel like it when you are hurting, but you will get through this and meet someone that truly deserves and appreciates you.

 

You sound like a caring, genuine, great guy. There are plenty of ladies who would welcome you into their lives.

There are so many bad boys, players and people with no morals and respect out there that you are a breath of fresh air!

Whilst I kind-of get that she ‘needs to fancy someone more’ and there has to be a connection, that demonstrates clearly how pretentious and superficial she is.

I am sure that you are no Adonis, but what she has blindly failed to see or realise is that personality is FAR more important than physical attributes and you have that in spades. Many women (inc myself!) would welcome you into their lives with open arms, you will meet someone special and when you do you will barely give this girl a second thought.

 

I wish you the very best of luck finding someone special, you do truly deserve it.

I know more than most how much he hurts, it’s horrific to be rejected when you really love someone, but the reality is that this would never have worked because she was not the ‘right’ one for you.

 

Take care of yourself, maybe try and keep busy, take on a new sport or hobby to keep your mind away from her. When I was going through a difficult situation I found that yoga and mindfulness worked for me. They kept me calm and grounded.

 

I am confident that you won’t be single for long, just try and build your confidence a little and it will come!

 

Take care.....

ps. What dating website did you say you were on, lol!!!

Hey There - So sorry I didn't reply, I haven't been back on here in a while.

Thanks so much for your lovely post.

I'm still struggling but doing much better. I have actually started therapy as I realised it didn't feel right still being heartbroken over this woman after 3 months. It has been helping and the therapist has helped me realise that this woman was not right for me, I have recognised some of her behaviours and actions were not what I deserved.

Her sudden change of heart and the way she treated me in the final month has really hit me for six and has left me bewildered I guess following the initial lovebombing she did in the first few months. I do wonder now if she was the female equivalent of a player as she did tell me about her sexual history before her marriage (slept with the entire football team at uni, former bosses, etc) and obviously knows she is attractive and knows how to play men - she flirted with them in front of me on occasions and I obviously saw her whatsapp was full of random guys numbers that weren't saved as contacts a few weeks before she ended it with lots of 'xxxx's at the end. I think the most painful thing she did thinking back was when she was at my place one evening I really opened up to her by telling her about my brothers mental health problems and what me and my parents went through when we had him sectioned, how it was the only time I'd seen my dad cry and how I had to deal with it all to be strong for them (I've never told anyone about all that before). Within 5 minutes she was leaning forward so I couldn't see who she was messaging but I caught a glimpse and it was an unsaved number of a guy with her sending a load of heart emojis.

I guess the last year has really bought it to a head because I met this woman who kind of showed me what it was like to love and be loved back. Obviously living alone can be quite lonely but having her in my life seemed to make nothing else matter and to me it felt so real. To have that kind of intimacy was a real first for me and sorry for the cheese but it was so romantic - we used to dance together in the living room to slow songs, fall asleep hugging each other all night, etc (sorry I won't go into anymore detail but you get the picture).

I think the whole 'needing to fancy someone more' text was that she has absorbed the idea that real men treat you mean and keep you keen, and therefore that behaving like a nice person is a sign of lack of manliness. She was the kind of woman is also addicted to the drama of being negged and kept on edge, and thus feels weirdly let down by a relationship with someone relatively stable, kind and caring which is on an even keel with no game playing and fights. I now think that the reason she ended it with me was because she had met a guy on a night out, swapped numbers with him and was obviously in a emotional relationship with him through texts whilst she was with me in that final month and probably saw him on nights out with her friends as they would always go back to the same place. I think she had reached the point whereby she wanted to explore that further with him hence ending it with me.

Anyway I have now come to terms with the fact that she probably isn't coming back as it's almost been 4 months now and am slowly reaching the point whereby I probably wouldn't take her back, if she was to message me now I would probably ignore her message unless there was any sign of an apology and regret for her actions in there.

FYI - I met her through the Bumble dating app :)

Can you reactivate this and other apps with a new fresh profile and pics and start browsing, then messaging and meeting women who seem interesting for a low-key coffee?

I met her through the Bumble dating app :)