Enforcing Boundaries

Please help! I’m seeking resource suggestions (preferably an audiobook) on figuring out your boundaries and how to enforce them respectfully.

Thanks

Ok. So I would start simple. Check in with yourself as far as what feels comfortable and uncomfortable- without analysis - just your sense. I recently had an experience with a man who overstepped boundaries - a stranger in a public place - and I’m still annoyed with myself that I didn’t let him know what he did was not ok at all even if it would be ok with someone else. As far as enforcing one thing to do is to practice tone. You want to. Be simple and direct with a tone that is confident but not strident. And without apology. If what the person does is a dealbreaker and you are on a date or first meet make your exit as soon as you can without drama if at all possible.

Your questions are good but so broad. Can you give examples ?

Well, that's pretty easy. If you don't want to sleep with a guy, don't go up to his bedroom. If you don't want the guy touching you above or below the waist, you don't let him do it. You just say that you're not that kind of a girl and push him away. You don't have to be respectful. If a guy wants to cheat with you on his wife, you tell him no.

Please help! I’m seeking resource suggestions (preferably an audiobook) on figuring out your boundaries and how to enforce them respectfully.

Is this book for you? I ask because boundaries require assertiveness. Asking others for book to listen to in order to strengthen your boundaries is just about the most passive way to go about improving them. If you did this research yourself, actively asked questions and searched for answers, I think it would serve you much better than relying on random suggestions and passively listening to a narrative. But if you're dead set on that method, I just googled "Enforcing Boundaries Book" and there's definitely stuff out there. There's got to be tons of youtube videos on the subject, too, if you want something to listen to.

Is this book for you? I ask because boundaries require assertiveness. Asking others for book to listen to in order to strengthen your boundaries is just about the most passive way to go about improving them. If you did this research yourself, actively asked questions and searched for answers, I think it would serve you much better than relying on random suggestions and passively listening to a narrative. But if you're dead set on that method, I just googled "Enforcing Boundaries Book" and there's definitely stuff out there. There's got to be tons of youtube videos on the subject, too, if you want something to listen to.

I agree.

Attempting to enforce someone else boundaries is about as useless as an elephant in a minefield.

I think everyone knows their boundaries. It takes sitting down and thinking about it, taking your life expierience. Which I'm sure you have or you wouldn't be asking and analyze what's happening.

The issue is actually being strong enough to stand by them.

Again you know what you're doing to hurt you, its having the strength to stop

I found this helpful, but I haven't quite finished the no line course yet. I should do that. It is good stuff!

https://elizabethroebuckjones.teachable.com/p/free-4-steps-course

https://elizabethroebuckjones.teachable.com/p/your-no-line-course

I would try Martha Beck's books.

It's important to remember that being respected, including self respect is healthier than trying to be liked by everyone or trying to please everyone.

Is this book for you? I ask because boundaries require assertiveness. Asking others for book to listen to in order to strengthen your boundaries is just about the most passive way to go about improving them. If you did this research yourself, actively asked questions and searched for answers, I think it would serve you much better than relying on random suggestions and passively listening to a narrative. But if you're dead set on that method, I just googled "Enforcing Boundaries Book" and there's definitely stuff out there. There's got to be tons of youtube videos on the subject, too, if you want something to listen to.

I disagree. Whether online reading (articles or support groups like enotalone) or books you buy or audio books you listen to, these articles and books were created to help people. It's just one stepping stone in learning, realizing, and making changes. Friends, counselling, psychotherapy, life strategy coaches, etc., are also tools, and some situations require more intensive work and therapy, but books that others have found useful are a good tool, and at the very least, that first step to pushing yourself into strengthening yourself...especially if you're floundering, not exactly sure what's going on, or where to start...it's a good place to start. Without knowing the specific circumstances, some suggestions may fall flat, but some suggestions might just be that ah-ha moment...I can work with this!

The OP has surely recognized personal boundaries, but has difficulty enforcing them. Maybe, as you suspect, this person is seeking suggestions for a friend. Maybe the friend asked to reach out. Books, to me, are a good place to start. The next step may be some counselling if this is affordable and the time is available...we all have jobs and schedules to contend with...we all have to start somewhere.

OP, if you care to share where you are struggling with personal boundaries, you might get some more defined suggestions.

If one has trouble standing by her boundaries, books may work but therapy is going to be better or self esteem books are going to be better.

You're healing the symptom when the disease is still there.

Trouble standing by boundaries isn't a lack of having them it's a lack of confidence in asserting them and standing by them

I've lost count of the amount of times a poster will come on here asking for advice and is told by many people 'it's best to breakup this person doesn't respect you, is cheating on you, is abusing you, is disrespecting you'

And then a month later the same poster is back 'what do I do?' As if they weren't already told

Again, the issue isn't about knowing what to do it's having the power to do it. Not to mention, our boundaries aren't someone else's boundaries. It's a highly personal thing.

If you did this research yourself, actively asked questions and searched for answers

It appears to me that is what thornz is doing, actively asking questions here on ENA and looking for answers. Asking doesn't mean they are passive, and looking for what has worked for others helps one understand one's own situations. Yes, it does require assertiveness, but also requires awareness.

Can you be more specific in which boundaries you're inquiring about? Boundaries with people at work, for example, might be different for people in your family. A lot of time, boundaries are relevant to your level of personal relationship with the person.

Can you be more specific in which boundaries you're inquiring about? Boundaries with people at work, for example, might be different for people in your family. A lot of time, boundaries are relevant to your level of personal relationship with the person.

Absolutely! The OP is posting on a dating forum, so one assumes their boundary issues come with dating and intimate relationships, but these things don't exist in a vacuum, and there are tentacles that expand into all other areas of life...some areas are possibly more easily defined and easier to maneuver. We all lose our brain cells when we get wrapped up in a boy/girl.

Please help! I’m seeking resource suggestions (preferably an audiobook) on figuring out your boundaries and how to enforce them respectfully. Thanks

It appears to me that is what thornz is doing, actively asking questions here on ENA and looking for answers. Asking doesn't mean they are passive, and looking for what has worked for others helps one understand one's own situations. Yes, it does require assertiveness, but also requires awareness.

It's a very general question with no description of the situation at hand. We don't even know if she's asking for herself or someone else.

You are absolutely right that it requires awareness. One of the best ways to develop awareness of a problem is by describing it. That is not what is being done here.

If she is having a specific problem, asking a general question about books is like jumping on any local bus and taking it around the city instead of doing the legwork to identify the rapid transit to your destination. If she has time for a long, uncertain ride, enjoy. It's her life.

I think, if she is asking for her own sake, she would be better off describing a specific situation and asking for advice.

But of course, it may not be her problem.

I can only speak for myself of course, but how I learned to enforce boundaries, in all areas of my life, not just romantic relations, was through introspection, and self-awarenes.

Knowing what my own personal standards are (which may be different from another's) and not accepting less. Knowing when to work through a particular situation, talking it out, OR walking away.

I did this by reading (anything I could get my hands on about interpersonal relationships, human nature, dating, commitment, men, women, life)!

Google is your friend when it comes to good books to read by reputable authors. Read the reviews.

Learned a ton by reading! I have attempted therapy, unfortunately did not help me much.

Mostly though I learned by doing, from experience. Making mistakes and learning from. Growing, evolving, all a journey towards self-awareness and realizing what my own personal standards are.

Once you become self-aware and realize your own standards, what you will tolerate and accept in your life, and what you won't, enforcing boundaries becomes easy!

Be patient with yourself thornz, it's a long journey to get it right. I still make mistakes sometimes, and in the process of getting it right!

I never (or rarely) make the same mistake twice through. :)

It's a very general question with no description of the situation at hand. We don't even know if she's asking for herself or someone else.

 

You are absolutely right that it requires awareness. One of the best ways to develop awareness of a problem is by describing it. That is not what is being done here.

 

If she is having a specific problem, asking a general question about books is like jumping on any local bus and taking it around the city instead of doing the legwork to identify the rapid transit to your destination. If she has time for a long, uncertain ride, enjoy. It's her life.

 

I think, if she is asking for her own sake, she would be better off describing a specific situation and asking for advice.

 

But of course, it may not be her problem.

If I recall, thornz was/is the poster in the FWB situation with a man who she deffinetely doesnt want to date seriously but would often get upset about disagreements they had.

I agree with the above and with Kat. Introspection is huge so is being honest with ones self.

I get a lot of sh*t for not taking a poster on their words alone. I don't simply read the words and give advice, absolutely nothing wrong with doing that, I'd say it's preferred by many posters even, I've got the blocks to prove it! Haha, but, to me, my mind always reads between the lines, probably because of my job. Also as stated earlier, it does the poster no good to treat a perceived symptom.

It's like that poster who is in an incredibly verbally and mentally abusive relationship but she comes on every few months and asks random questions like, ' would you be mad if your boyfriend is late?'

Sometimes posters post to ease their anxiety. Not necessarily to get advice, at least not what they're asking.

Awareness means honesty and it's super hard to be honest with yourself when you're the one causing your own pain by knowingly being in a situation that is harmful to you but you convince yourself and attempt to convince others it's ok because you're totally cool with it.

Hello all! Thanks for you replies. I will look into them in more depth individually when I get home.

So to answer the questions, yes it is for myself, yes I can be assertive but I struggle recognising when it is appropriate to be so. I have had therapy a few times already with success and am in the process of seeking a new therapist privately as taking regular time off work for my last therapy course made me feel uncomfortable.

My mental health issues mean that sometimes I feel completely overwhelmed and struggle to do even basic life stuff, and presently I feel I want to spend more time on my “homework” between therapy. My thoughts being an audiobook will be a less overwhelming way to regularly work on one particular issue I’d like to address. I get in the car and oh, some interesting food for thought and potential solutions to my problems on long journeys instead of the radio. Will be a good focus I think, I sometimes get stuck in a negative headspace on long journeys. I get in my car everyday so it will be a regular reminder to stay focussed on my goals.

So some specifics, I suck and I mean I really, REALLY suck at boundaries generally. I have put some effort including a few posts on here and private reflection and even making lists of what seems like it should be a good boundary because I’m disconnected from my feelings. I have been told, trust your gut, if it feels bad then it should be a boundary but I’m pretty much stuck in my head and working hard to be more in touch with my gut to know when a boundary should be in place.

Then comes my terrible interpersonal skills and inability to read others, and my finding communicating the feelings that I am aware of distressing. So in the rare instance when I am sure that something is not right (hallelujah)

I feel unsure how to express that I don’t like it in a good way.

Like it is genuinely a lengthy process from the point somebody does something they shouldn’t, to me doing something to stop it, and even then it’s usually in an aggressive way or what I say doesn’t work.

The best example I have from recent experience: Young guy at work flirting with me and eventually the behaviour became obviously inappropriate and I took him to one side and told him to knock it off. Was about two months of him becoming increasingly inappropriate, me being oblivious, colleagues pointed it out that he was creepy by telling me exactly what they had observed in black and white before I was like ohhhh. So what do I do? Then came the big inappropriate action which even made me be like hmm this isnt normal or acceptable, discussed with work mates and I thought eff this! He will only get worse if I don’t do something. Went back down and told him I wanted a word and then gave him a piece of my mind. Told him his behaviour is out of order and makes me feel uncomfortable. Afterward I felt bad because I was so aggressive and felt I could have handled it better. He left not long after that and kept his distance until then.

After my last break up the solution to my problems was don’t date since I had no inclination to get romantically involved with anyone, and work on myself. I have made good improvements but I still have a long way to go and suspect that dating is going to be a big hiccup in the boundary area. Since my brain decided it’s no longer jaded and has started to find people attractive again I think it’s a matter of time before I want to start dating again. If like to get on the straight and narrow so I don’t feel I have to postpone dating for God knows how many years until I’ve got this down.

If it’s relevant the therapy I’ve had has been person focussed, pretty much learning how to express my thoughts and feelings without disocciating (happened when I first tried CBT and therapist freaked out and told me he couldn’t help me) was up to 3 years of this. Second was 12 week CBT course to address my destructive coping mechanisms. I’m presently looking into Schema and DBT. I have a DBT therapy coursebook I’m working through sporadically. I struggle to keep it at the forefront of my mind and keep up to it regularly which is why I want to try it in therapy. It’s an appointment so I’ve dedicated that time to myself. Would you say setting time aside to do my workbook is a boundary with myself? I have no idea. It might be a good place to start.

Basically for the example I gave with the work colleague, I’d like to be able to have recognised the inappropriate behaviour (without having it spelled out for me by others after it had been going on a while) and responded appropriately in that moment to signal my displeasure (rather than come back later after I’ve sought counsel) and nip it in the bud before it escalated like it did.

Google "The Importance of Personal Boundaries" and start reading.

Here are a few good places to start:

https://www.essentiallifeskills.net/personalboundaries.html

http://serenityonlinetherapy.com/healthyboundaries.htm

https://www.mentalhelp.net/articles/setting-boundaries-appropriately/

There are lots of links that can get you started.

I agree.

 

Attempting to enforce someone else boundaries is about as useless as an elephant in a minefield.

 

I think everyone knows their boundaries. It takes sitting down and thinking about it, taking your life expierience. Which I'm sure you have or you wouldn't be asking and analyze what's happening.

 

The issue is actually being strong enough to stand by them.

 

Again you know what you're doing to hurt you, its having the strength to stop

I have to disagree a little with this. If you grew up in a family that didn't have proper boundaries you may have to go through a process of learning what healthy boundaries are. You may know on one level because some things feel good and others don't, but I know from my own experience that it took time away from my family to realize I was entitled to put up certain boundaries. Putting up appropriate boundaries can seem very counter intuitive and even wrong or unreasonable if you were raised without them. (Not saying this is your situation). I think it's good to read about it and explore it more.

The best example I have from recent experience: Young guy at work flirting with me and eventually the behaviour became obviously inappropriate and I took him to one side and told him to knock it off. Was about two months of him becoming increasingly inappropriate, me being oblivious, colleagues pointed it out that he was creepy by telling me exactly what they had observed in black and white before I was like ohhhh. So what do I do? Then came the big inappropriate action which even made me be like hmm this isnt normal or acceptable, discussed with work mates and I thought eff this! He will only get worse if I don’t do something. Went back down and told him I wanted a word and then gave him a piece of my mind. Told him his behaviour is out of order and makes me feel uncomfortable. Afterward I felt bad because I was so aggressive and felt I could have handled it better. He left not long after that and kept his distance until then.

^^^Here's your boundary, right here. Congratulations, I don't think I could have handled that situation any better.

You recognized inappropriate behavior, you called him on it, and that was that.

It doesn't matter that it took you a while to recognize the behavior, or that you felt too "aggressive" afterwards. That's all pretty normal, to second-guess ourselves after we handle a situation in a particular way. We learn from those self-talks, which help us grow.

What's important is, someone violated a clear boundary, and you verbally told him, in no uncertain terms, that that was unacceptable, and you walked away. Good for you!

I have to disagree a little with this. If you grew up in a family that didn't have proper boundaries you may have to go through a process of learning what healthy boundaries are. You may know on one level because some things feel good and others don't, but I know from my own experience that it took time away from my family to realize I was entitled to put up certain boundaries. Putting up appropriate boundaries can seem very counter intuitive and even wrong or unreasonable if you were raised without them. (Not saying this is your situation). I think it's good to read about it and explore it more.

This is exactly what I’m going through. My childhood was a mess, my parents and other family members with mental health issues, no boundaries with each other and my feelings were invalidated and ridiculed by my mother.

The result was I didn’t know what appropriate boundaries, healthily expressed looked like. I also suppressed my emotions to protect myself so then I had no cues from my gut either. When you have been conditioned to believe your feelings are invalid you disregard feelings of “this doesn’t feel right” with “but I must be misinterpreting this persons actions” “I am always over-reacting, it wasn’t that bad” “I’m just being silly” “maybe that didn’t happen” “I must have misheard”. I will literally talk myself into letting other people treat me badly because I don’t trust my judgement, there has never been those examples for me to refer to!

I feel like when it comes to boundaries and interpersonal exchanges I’m blind and trying how to figure out alternatives ways to navigate than my eyes lol. Sounds stupid but it’s the best analogy I can come up with.

^^^Here's your boundary, right here. Congratulations, I don't think I could have handled that situation any better.

 

You recognized inappropriate behavior, you called him on it, and that was that.

 

It doesn't matter that it took you a while to recognize the behavior, or that you felt too "aggressive" afterwards. That's all pretty normal, to second-guess ourselves after we handle a situation in a particular way. We learn from those self-talks, which help us grow.

 

What's important is, someone violated a clear boundary, and you verbally told him, in no uncertain terms, that that was unacceptable, and you walked away. Good for you!

Thank you! I shocked myself when I did it. I don’t remember really standing up for myself like that before. It worked I suppose which is the main thing, if I was mean well oops 😬

The reason I would like to get better is because when dating if I’m letting things go on for months or more before I realise there’s a problem I will be getting attached and will already have taught them they can treat me less than I deserve. I’m seeing a pattern that has been reinforced time and time again. I’d like to break the chain and start with at least a sensible idea of what treatment I shouldn’t tolerate.

This is exactly what I’m going through. My childhood was a mess, my parents and other family members with mental health issues, no boundaries with each other and my feelings were invalidated and ridiculed by my mother.

 

The result was I didn’t know what appropriate boundaries, healthily expressed looked like. I also suppressed my emotions to protect myself so then I had no cues from my gut either. When you have been conditioned to believe your feelings are invalid you disregard feelings of “this doesn’t feel right” with “but I must be misinterpreting this persons actions” “I am always over-reacting, it wasn’t that bad” “I’m just being silly” “maybe that didn’t happen” “I must have misheard”. I will literally talk myself into letting other people treat me badly because I don’t trust my judgement, there has never been those examples for me to refer to!

 

I feel like when it comes to boundaries and interpersonal exchanges I’m blind and trying how to figure out alternatives ways to navigate than my eyes lol. Sounds stupid but it’s the best analogy I can come up with.

I think first things first, the first baby step, is honesty.

While I agree with LHgirl about the coworker and you telling him to back off, went back and read the posts and there seems to be a lot of grey area in the entire story. I think it would be normal to not be sure where to draw the line.

And when it comes to romantic relationships, again

He messaged me today as if nothing had happened yesterday. I told him he made me feel unwelcome with his behaviour and I didn’t want to associate with someone who treated me like that. He apologised and said he thought I wanted space and when he went upstairs he felt a sudden overwhelming sense of depression and when I asked he didn’t know how to express what he was feeling so he just shrugged.

 

I was thinking yesterday that I’ve made a lot of improvement on my self esteem and interpersonal skills and that by choosing to associate with people who also have poor interpersonal skills and are rude, perhaps I’m undoing my work. Or perhaps I’m presenting myself with an opportunity to improve further? Who knows. I think when I was with my ex it was a bit of both. At the time the progress I was making was absolutely worth the kick in the teeth when he ended it. I grew so much in that year.

You seem quite clear on how to set boundaries.

I guess my question is A.) why do you feel you dont know how to set boundaries B.) why are you letting others define you as clueless?

I obviously dont know you but it seems while theres some grey area youre having trouble navigating, you arent completely unaware of what boundaries are.

Hey thornz,

You requested suggestions for an audio book. I was wondering if you would be interested in a podcast? Natalie Lue from Baggage Reclaim is all about learning to take care of yourself, assert your boundaries and open your heart to the people who will take care of it. See if there is anything in her list of episodes that interests you:

https://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/the-baggage-reclaim-sessions-podcast/

Or check out her site with lots of great posts too: https://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/

Good luck! I think you will be rewarded for all the effort you are putting into growing and learning. Good for you!