Jump to content

Long breaks and lack of commitment in a distance relationship


Deloreslucky

Recommended Posts

It is ok? That my distance boyfriend who lives in another country 5000 miles away from each other, decides to take breaks from contacting me, saying he needs his alone time and space, and that the phone stress him out.

He takes breaks of 10 or 20 days (zero contact) He turns his phone off and relax in his comfort zone (his house)

He is Bipolar which has a lot to do with isolation and actions that seems to be cruel, I've been learning how complex Bipolar is but bipolar people still are in relationships, gets married etc etc.

It's pretty difficult to me, not his Bipolar, (he's being treated), what is difficult is the breaks he takes. I feel I can't rely on him when I just need some moral support through the distance, or to share anything as other couples.

 

I live very lonely, with health limitations to do basic activities, I live with a disfunctional family (my mother and brother, very disfunctional people)

I'm 36, widow, no kids, and I still have hopes and dreams of a family and a brighter future and Only with him, I can't force myself to love other person, we don't select who to love, it comes from the heart.

 

We stablish that we are true soulmates, he always says that his love never changes, we want to be together badly but he mention lot of things of why he can't travel, "Doesn't have the money" (Hard to believe, in my opinion, anyone can figure it out and buy a plane ticket saving up somehow, he has credit cards, he spends a lot on silly e-bay and Amazon unnecesary things, he could save up instead for the trip) He has stocks on "Fidelity", he says he can't touch that money (hope that's true) in other words I see that he could really travel to be together, despite his Bipolar fears and despite that he's not rich.

 

For other hand his lack of commitment worries me.

He used to tell me that we will spend our future together and in few letters he signed as "your future husband" or "to my wife to be" Told me that he wanted children etc etc.

 

Not sure if because he saw me after a year wanting to get on a second stage more serious, or what happened that he changed about that.

He has a hard time now saying that one day we will spend the future together, avoids the topic about marriage, says I pressure him when I remind him that I keep waiting for him to travel or that my life seems be "passing by in front of my eyes"

I'm not pressuring him, it's actually true, life is passing by. We're not getting any younger.

 

He says IF we will have the right conditions, (have some money and solve the different countries issue, etc ) Yeah, we will be together one day.

 

So with all my love and patience I keep waiting to see a change.

I try to go on with my regular life where I live, but in top of not showing me a clear vision of commitment of a future together, he shouldn't cut all communication for 10 or 20 days each time that he feels stressed out from using the phone or needs alone-time.

It's not fair on me, I never decide the breaks, I don't believe in breaks, specially with 5000 miles between us!

 

From my heart I say: Don't tell me to go out and meet new people, I'm an introvert, I have some health limitations and frankly feeling a bit sad or depressed, with how things are going. The distance and his silence hurts.

Long distance relationships are using Skipe pretty often. 😔

 

I don't feel interest in other man, as I said loving someone else would be forced and anything that is "forced" doesn't end well.

 

I try to give my boyfriend understanding, he doesn't have much money to travel, he has Bipolar which is a huge obstable for him to take a further decision, and phones causes anxiety to bipolar people.

Also he has to support his family, since no one works there, he says they'd die if he leaves and they control him extremely,

not even letting him have friends, (very wrong! He's an ADULT) He's the "milk-cow"of the house.

I understand, I even quit to mention the word marriage, and I try to be flexible, but I want to be with him, I'm tired to be lonely.

Link to comment

Have you ever met him in person? How do you know he's not already married or has a partner?

 

No, it's not normal to have extended, frequent breaks. What are you getting out of this, really? I mean that as an honest question. I understand you're lonely and looking for love, but you're looking in the wrong place here.

 

Don't go out and meet new people if you don't want to, but don't expect anything from this either. It's not going to become what you hope.

Link to comment

You need to read back your post to yourself. Isn't it all a bit ridiculous? You want to marry someone you've never met who has psychological problems who lives 5000 miles away? And you're not even sure what he's told you is the truth. What you describe about him suggests he's married and that's why he can't travel and goes for long breaks without contacting you. We hear these kinds of stories all the time. The Internet attracts dysfunctional people where they can create their own little fantasy world. It's not real.

 

You need to get out of the house and go for walks or go sit in a park and enjoy nature. Try your hand at a hobby or join a meet-up group. Or just go out anywhere and be around people. Sitting at home Skyping with some stranger only reinforces your depression and makes you less able to cope with the world. This "relationship" is only hurting you more. Leave the house and try to make friends who live in the real world.

Link to comment
We stablish that we are true soulmates,
Sorry but if you believe in "true soulmates" then you'd know that a soulmate would not leave you with zero contact for two or three weeks at a time nor would he live 5000 miles away from you.

 

Send him one last message saying you have found someone new (even if you haven't) and wish him a good life and then don't respond to anything further from him (should he even bother to contact you).

 

This is not a relationship but rather your fantasy that isn't satisfying you much anymore.

Link to comment

He does not love you. I cannot imagine not talking to someone I love for 10-20 days. He isn't committed and never will be. I know its hard letting go (I've been there). Once the hurt of the break up is gone, you will have the opportunity to meet someone else. I struggled w/long distance where the guy didn't commit and being w/a committed guy is a heck f a lot better.

Link to comment

You know... I would recommend that you let go of him now. Even after meeting and all the pretty luvy words; there will be that lack of commitment. Things won't get easier... Infact, it gets harder as you start feeling miserable from not having that person with you when you need them. It really turns you into a pessimistic individual from the frustration and absense. The first time (2 years ago) my LDR ex left me we were simply getting to know each other but he left to pursue someone irl. It hurt like a mofo but I got right up. Two months later he contacted me and the only reason he contacted me was because the girl didn't want to be in a relationship with him! Really!? I think that's when I should have not replied but I prolonged it. Eventually we met several times as "friends with interest". Being with him was amazing irl but he just couldn't see himself in a long distance relationship. I still went ahead a pursued him into a relationship and in the process I became a negative-frustrated-moody individual. He left. So yup.. here I am over a month into the breakup, NC, and him in a rebound relationship. It was like a wakeup call to get out of that depressive funk and back up on my feet. And that's what I'm doing while he enjoys his pathetic rebound. So yup do yourself the favor and forget him now.

Link to comment

 

avoids the topic about marriage, says I pressure him …

I'm not pressuring him

 

 

Here's the thing about pressure. You don't have to actually be pressuring someone (him) for them (him) to feel pressure.

 

This is the problem - he has commitment issues (among others most likely) which is (1) why he became involved with a woman who lives 5000 miles away, and (2) why he feels pressure.

You don't even have a relationship, but yet he feels boxed in and suffocated by this pseudo relationship, such that he needs to disappear from your life for 10-20 days?

 

Good lord, can you imagine the "pressure" he'd feel if you ever actually dated in real life? He'd probably be having panic attacks and need to be on meds! Which is why he sticks to long distance. VERY long distance.

 

I echo what everyone else said. You're living in never-never land (not judging, I've done the same) and this pseudo relationship is taking you down one long road leading to nowhere.

Link to comment
Unfortunately he sounds like a married man. Get out of this and block and delete him.

 

Reading the original post again, yes this is quite possible OP, and even likely.

 

It all adds up, unfortunately.

 

You'd be wise to block and delete and find other more healthy outlets locally. I'm sorry.

 

Feel better and hugs.

Link to comment

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...