From attraction to resentment

Hey all, I’ve been through some ups and downs again the last few weeks. I’ve had to change jobs again (it’s medical residency so we change every year). The change in itself is hard enough, without having to say goodbye to colleagues I’ve worked with for a year and having to meet all new ones.

In my previous working place I had a colleague who has a husband and two young kids. She was obviously bicurious as she was overtly flirting with me at work. We went out a couple of times alone, sometimes with other colleagues.

Initially, I was flattered by the attention and felt kind of attracted to her, part of me even fantasized about kissing her or having sex with her.

Right now, after not having seen her for a few weeks, my feelings of attraction seem to have changed to resentment. Trigger has been her verbalising the fact she actually wants to cheat on her husband with me - but wants to keep it a secret.

I really resent her since because I (and I consider myself a loyal person) struggle to find a life partner and here is a woman who has been with her man for over 20 years and has kids and doesn’t appreciate what she’s got, or maybe she does but doesn’t respect it. I think it’s not fair. It makes me very very mad.

We booked a trip together in a few months and now I kind of feel like I won’t be enjoying it because of this resentment.

I just want to let it go but it lingers with me and makes me annoyed for most of the day.

Just wanted to vent really and maybe tips on how to release anger?

(Also, i am a gay woman aged 29)

Oh, boy. Where do I begin?

You "resent" this woman for wanting to cheat on her husband with you, and yet...and yet...you seem prepared to go forward with it anyway. Why? (Correct me if I'm wrong, but...didn't you say in your post that you're going on a trip together soon?) If you DO go forward with that trip, it absolutely will be a case of you taking part in adultery, but even more than that, it will be a case of you selling yourself VERY short, accepting a "relationship" (putting it in quotes because it can't be a real, healthy relationship if she's married to someone else, cheating on her husband with you, and keeping you a secret) and accepting being, basically, an experiment or some sort of "naughty secret" to her. Yuck.

If you are planning to proceed with this "relationship," you need to ask yourself a few questions:

1) Am I willing to participate in adultery and potential infliction of permanent damage on other people's lives? (Because, while your 'friend' may be getting her jollies and having a great time, her husband and kids will be suffering from NOT having the full attention of their wife and mother AND if they find out about it, it will most likely lead to a broken home.) Please consult your moral compass and be completely honest with yourself if this is something you can feel OK about.

2) What do I REALLY want in a relationship, for ME? (Not "What does someone else want with me?" but what do *I* want?) Do you really want to be the "other woman" who gets a fraction of this woman's time and attention (because, again, she has a husband and kids and can't devote herself 100% -- or probably even 50% -- to you.)

3) Why do I think I don't deserve better than being a secret affair partner to a woman who has, legally and otherwise, pledged herself to someone else? (And, again, not just her husband, but her children as well?) And, please...don't fall for ANY talk about her husband being a jerk, not paying enough attention to her, not loving her enough, not giving enough to the relationship, etc. -- while that may or may not be true, it isn't your place to save her from a bad relationship. She's a grown woman and should be able to take care of herself and make adult decisions.

I know it's hard to find someone. I didn't find the right person until age 44, after years of either being entirely single OR being hung up on all the wrong guys. So much of why I wasn't able to find the right person is that, deep down, I didn't believe I was worthy of that person. Once I did, it took a few years, but I found the perfect person for me, and we're getting married in about a month (just a couple weeks shy of my 48th birthday).

You CAN find someone else, and you WILL, but only if you don't waste your time on time-wasters and people with questionable morality. Infidelity, at it's core, is about deception. It's one thing if people have an open marriage and both parties are OK with it, but...in most cases, one party is completely left in the dark, and this deception deprives them of information that they need to make decisions about their own life. I urge you to seriously re-think all of this.

Why are you going to do about the trip?

Going on a trip with her is a very unwise idea, OP.

You think you're angry and resentful now, just wait until she kisses you goodbye at the airport and trots home happily to her husband and family.

The problem here is not entirely her, really. You are unhappy with where you are in life (relationship-wise) and yet you are making decisions and choices that are incompatible with your future goals of finding a partner you can actually settle with. This woman isn't it. So, take back your power and stop engaging with someone who can't and won't ever offer you what you want.

(Also, i am a gay woman aged 29)

Some males only care if their wives cheat on them with other males and doesn't have any issues with lesbian cheating, just throwing it out there.

Some males only care if their wives cheat on them with other males and doesn't have any issues with lesbian cheating, just throwing it out there.

If this woman was insistent this fling be kept a secret, I am assuming he isn't one of those men.

That isn't really the main problem, though, as I see it. The real issue is that OP appears to be searching for a partner, and this woman isn't going to leave her family. It's a waste of time to pursue this.

Lucha, it seems like in your last couple of threads your choices have gotten progressively worse.

Last I read, you were hung up on a bicurious woman who talked to you about her dates with men. Now you have upgraded to a bicurious woman who is married and thinking about having an affair.

You are not moving in a forward direction. What is going on?

I love brown eyed girls post. I didn’t connect with the right person until I was 39. It would ha s. Even a lot longer if I kept getting in my own way like you are doing. It’s none of your business whether she appreciates what you think she has in her life. You chose to hang around a married woman and get attached. The gender doesn’t matter just that she is married and you want a romantic interaction with her. Your issues isn’t why you now resent her your issue is why you pretended to be friends with a woman you couldnt have a true friendship with. She only can offer friendship.

Your issues isn’t why you now resent her your issue is why you pretended to be friends with a woman you couldnt have a true friendship with.

Yes, exactly.

Lucha, it seems like in your last couple of threads your choices have gotten progressively worse.

 

Last I read, you were hung up on a bicurious woman who talked to you about her dates with men. Now you have upgraded to a bicurious woman who is married and thinking about having an affair.

 

You are not moving in a forward direction. What is going on?

Thanks, I needed this insight.

I have no idea as to why my love life is declining. I haven’t dated since octobre 2017. Then those two threads bicurious woman 1 and 2. You are right, but I think me getting desperate about finding love again is the cause.

Why are you going to do about the trip?

Sorry, should have been more specific. Going on this trip with her and two other ex-coworkers.

But, sure she will create occasions to cheat on her husband though.

I was not whole heartedly in this trip but, tbh, I haven’t made a trip in two years bc of lack of available friends to go with.

Thanks, I needed this insight.

 

I have no idea as to why my love life is declining. I haven’t dated since octobre 2017. Then those two threads bicurious woman 1 and 2. You are right, but I think me getting desperate about finding love again is the cause.

It's not going well because you pursue unavailable people -just plain ole common sense. And yes desperation is a turn off.

I've gone on awesome vacations/traveled myself -please don't use your missing travel as an excuse to play with fire.

It's not going well because you pursue unavailable people -just plain ole common sense. And yes desperation is a turn off.

 

I've gone on awesome vacations/traveled myself -please don't use your missing travel as an excuse to play with fire.

Well some people don’t like travelling by themselves without company. And some people do their best living their single life to the fullest, but always keep missing something.

You seem to be not one of those people, but I am.

Well some people don’t like travelling by themselves without company. And some people do their best living their single life to the fullest, but always keep missing something.

 

You seem to be not one of those people, but I am.

Excuse me? I wanted to get married by the time I was 19 and got married at 42 -traveling on my own had nothing to do with being single. Why? Because I would travel alone now given the chance. You can travel with a group as I did and find company that way. And if you don't want to that's fine but then please don't complain about how you have to travel with a married woman because it's been two years since you've traveled. Get some perspective, IMO.

Look, I come on here because I’m having a hard time. I cannot sleep at night and bawling my eyes out most of the time. Don’t mean to offend anyone but it’s easy to jump to conclusions like that.

I do not intend to facilitate this woman cheating on her husband in any way, but I am struggling hard with the fact this is the only opportunity for intimacy that I have had in a very long time. About this I feel frustrated and confused.

I do not mean to use my ‘haven’t traveled in years’ as an excuse to go on a trip with a married woman, again it is a trip with two other people and her husband agreed to it. I do not enjoy traveling in group with strangers, thus the reason I haven’t done that before and waited for an opportunity to travel with friends.

Please. Don’t judge me as a marriage breaker or something.

Look, I come on here because I’m having a hard time. I cannot sleep at night and bawling my eyes out most of the time. Don’t mean to offend anyone but it’s easy to jump to conclusions like that.

 

I do not intend to facilitate this woman cheating on her husband in any way, but I am struggling hard with the fact this is the only opportunity for intimacy that I have had in a very long time. About this I feel frustrated and confused.

 

I do not mean to use my ‘haven’t traveled in years’ as an excuse to go on a trip with a married woman, again it is a trip with two other people and her husband agreed to it. I do not enjoy traveling in group with strangers, thus the reason I haven’t done that before and waited for an opportunity to travel with friends.

 

Please. Don’t judge me as a marriage breaker or something.

You are having a hard time mainly because you are getting in your own way. Everyone has "naughty" desires. It's your choice as to how to act on them -or not -that matters. Please don't tell yourself dramatic misleading stories about how it's the only opportunity for intimacy. If you pursued available people there would be no guarantees of course but at least you would know you were trying your best instead of self-sabotaging.

I am not "judging" you. I am observing these facts: You are attracted to a married woman. She has indicated a desire to cheat. You are choosing yourself to put yourself in a playing with fire situation where her husband will not be there, you will be away, and those are huge triggers to make bad choices. If you didn't want to interfere with her marriage you would not go at this time. That is not a fact, but an opinion but also not "judging".

It can be really hard to do the right thing. Way harder many times than the easy way out or a bad choice.

If you want to travel with friends find a meetup where people like to meet about travel, etc and after awhile you'll find some travel companions.

Please do not use "I haven't had any intimacy in a while" as an excuse to have an affair or a sexual encounter with a married woman.

I'm sure there are unmarried people you could have casual sex with (in a safe manner, of course) if you want it.

No one would be able to "judge" you as a marriage breaker if you aren't one. But choosing to have a sexual encounter with a married person would definitely do a lot toward breaking up a marriage.

You can choose not to be that person.

Consider viewing this time in your life as an investment in growing into the best version of yourself who can handle the kind of relationship you want. Part of this growth means screening out people who would use you as an experiment and skipping any other choices that position you to resent anyone.

Consider cheaters and other lousy matches to be outside your scope. This keeps your eyes on your own paper and prevents you from wasting your energy with concerns about what other people do.

Advice from grandma: "The problem is not that snakes will cross your path, they will. The problem comes when you lack the self respect to avoid picking up the snake to play with it."

Head high, and focus on ways that you can pursue healthy friends and lovers when you are ready. You will thank yourself later.

Oh, boy. Where do I begin?

 

You "resent" this woman for wanting to cheat on her husband with you, and yet...and yet...you seem prepared to go forward with it anyway. Why? (Correct me if I'm wrong, but...didn't you say in your post that you're going on a trip together soon?) If you DO go forward with that trip, it absolutely will be a case of you taking part in adultery, but even more than that, it will be a case of you selling yourself VERY short, accepting a "relationship" (putting it in quotes because it can't be a real, healthy relationship if she's married to someone else, cheating on her husband with you, and keeping you a secret) and accepting being, basically, an experiment or some sort of "naughty secret" to her. Yuck.

 

If you are planning to proceed with this "relationship," you need to ask yourself a few questions:

 

1) Am I willing to participate in adultery and potential infliction of permanent damage on other people's lives? (Because, while your 'friend' may be getting her jollies and having a great time, her husband and kids will be suffering from NOT having the full attention of their wife and mother AND if they find out about it, it will most likely lead to a broken home.) Please consult your moral compass and be completely honest with yourself if this is something you can feel OK about.

 

2) What do I REALLY want in a relationship, for ME? (Not "What does someone else want with me?" but what do *I* want?) Do you really want to be the "other woman" who gets a fraction of this woman's time and attention (because, again, she has a husband and kids and can't devote herself 100% -- or probably even 50% -- to you.)

 

3) Why do I think I don't deserve better than being a secret affair partner to a woman who has, legally and otherwise, pledged herself to someone else? (And, again, not just her husband, but her children as well?) And, please...don't fall for ANY talk about her husband being a jerk, not paying enough attention to her, not loving her enough, not giving enough to the relationship, etc. -- while that may or may not be true, it isn't your place to save her from a bad relationship. She's a grown woman and should be able to take care of herself and make adult decisions.

 

I know it's hard to find someone. I didn't find the right person until age 44, after years of either being entirely single OR being hung up on all the wrong guys. So much of why I wasn't able to find the right person is that, deep down, I didn't believe I was worthy of that person. Once I did, it took a few years, but I found the perfect person for me, and we're getting married in about a month (just a couple weeks shy of my 48th birthday).

 

You CAN find someone else, and you WILL, but only if you don't waste your time on time-wasters and people with questionable morality. Infidelity, at it's core, is about deception. It's one thing if people have an open marriage and both parties are OK with it, but...in most cases, one party is completely left in the dark, and this deception deprives them of information that they need to make decisions about their own life. I urge you to seriously re-think all of this.

This is a brilliant post! OP, have you actually read this post? Browneyedgirl36 spent a lot of time and thought in her post. Would be nice to hear your thoughts on all the points raised in her post.

Perhaps it would help if you only sought out women who line up with you 100% instead of tire kickers and those who are experimenting or "curious".

i am a gay woman aged 29

I am struggling hard with the fact this is the only opportunity for intimacy that I have had in a very long time.

I am glad you are aware of this. I know it is very difficult. Just keep reminding yourself of how much worse off you were after bicurious woman 1 and 2. If you dig yourself deeper into this hole, things will just become more difficult. You will feel even worse.

This is a brilliant post! OP, have you actually read this post? Browneyedgirl36 spent a lot of time and thought in her post. Would be nice to hear your thoughts on all the points raised in her post.

Thank you for acknowledging this! I do put a lot of time and thought into my responses, and sometimes I fear people skip over them when they see the giant wall o'text!

I was someone who had to learn the very, very hard way about a lot of what is in my post (not the married person part, though, because the men I got involved with in the past were not married, but they still were all wrong for me in other ways, especially my last significant ex.) The relationship choices we make are a direct reflection of how we feel about ourselves, deep down. I made some questionable choices because, deep down, I felt I didn't deserve better (even though if you asked me, I would say I DID deserve better.) I paid lip service to self-esteem and self-love for a long time, claiming to respect and love myself when, in fact, I wasn't acting like it. In order to stop my pattern of pining after and/or getting involved with the wrong people, I had to change my whole way of thinking about myself. It was hard -- the hardest thing I've ever done -- but it was the best thing I've ever done.

I like what Batya said about "getting in your own way." For so long, I didn't recognize that that's exactly what I was doing. Now, if I start to do that -- about anything, not just relationships -- I catch myself and say "How am I contributing to this situation not being ideal? What can I do to change it?"

He's maligned by many nowadays, but Dr. Phil didn't become as rich as he is without knowing a thing or two about people and how their minds work. He once said, and I quote it often -- here and in my own life -- "If you do what you've always done, you'll get what you've always gotten." 100% truth. Once I started doing something completely different, my life changed dramatically.

Just a bit of food for thought.

I am glad you are aware of this. I know it is very difficult. Just keep reminding yourself of how much worse off you were after bicurious woman 1 and 2. If you dig yourself deeper into this hole, things will just become more difficult. You will feel even worse.

Yes! It's important to be able to acknowledge: I'm lonely. I really want intimacy. I really want a connection with someone. And, It's important to experience that feeling and NOT necessarily act on it when your intuition and common sense tell you it's probably not a good idea. And, you have past experiences that tell you that this situation will bring you nothing but heartbreak -- you have proof of this! It's completely normal to feel that feeling that something is missing and to want to find that missing piece, but you also need to look out for yourself and remind yourself that all feelings are temporary, that this feeling is NOT a permanent condition, but that you have to let it play out and not try to dull or medicate the feeling with impulsive choices that aren't in your best interest to make.

I have been at points in my life where I was close to despair at not having someone special in my life. I cried myself to sleep some nights, years ago, telling myself it would never get better. And, I got involved with someone as a result of acting on an impulse to make the feelings go away, despite my gut-level feeling that he wasn't right for me. What ensued was nearly 6 years of misery, trying to make a relationship work with someone who had never intended to be with me in the first place. It was truly awful; it broke me down. When, finally, it was all over, I had no choice but to start all over again, to do everything differently -- to think differently, to act differently. I knew I could never be that person again, and I'm not and never will be again. I promised myself, after that experience, that I would never compromise my peace of mind, my self-respect, for anyone ever again. When I was ready, I found the right person. While my story isn't 100% guaranteed to happen for everyone, I truly believe that it can, for most.

I also like Dr Phil’s wisdom. And it really can be dangerous to act out of desperation. I’ve been in questionable situations like that because I made bad choices from that needy place. And if you do the work there are no guarantees but then if you meet a good match you also feel a sense of accomplishment from the self work. Some years ago my friend told me I was able to meet someone and get married in my late 30s and early 40s because I was “so lucky “. Luck and timing were part of it. And if I hadn’t done the work to become the right person to find the right person I bet I would have sabotaged things in some way. Sure. Part of it is looking good and by that I mean looking healthy and fit and having a sparkle and positive energy. Sure. Some people focus a lot on looks because having arm candy is important to them in addition to feeling the za za za zoom. That person would not have been right for me because I was reasonably attractive but not really arm candy other than once in awhile lol. So if you are looking for chemistry - friendship caught on fire - focus on sparkling and on standing tall and making good eye contact with people and being able to see the humor in all the chaos - that’s a real people magnet.