What has happened to our friendship?

Hello all,

I am hoping for some advice about a friendship. Ok, I feel like I’m back at high school complaining about friends lol.

My friend of 20 years feels like she is slipping out of my life and can’t be bothered with me anymore. Maybe I am being paranoid? We used to be extremely close, talk about everything!! She got a boyfriend and they’ve been together for about a year now. I am single and happy with that. I feel though I am putting in more effort and time to the friendship than she does. She knows I don’t have a lot of friends and I don’t go out socialising much, but I want to socialise more though. I keep asking he to meet and go somewhere, her excuse is she has no money – but whenever I call her ( every couple of days) she has ordered a takeaway or she tells me she went out somewhere that cost money. She seems to patronise me in saying I need to go do more things on my own (which I have for years), plus I have anxiety issues which I get help for. When she wants something or wants to feel better about herself she contacts me. What do I do? Say something? Or leave it? Thanks!

Things change and people change and things change people.

She is now involved.. so not always available to you.. although I think she should give you SOME of her time..

unless she finds it a bit awkward now.. that you are a guy and she is now involved with one?

I would cut her some slack and give her time...remember things may be a little different with you two now.

She is allowed to have a life.. in which she is doing.

Try not to feel down about it or at her for what is going on... keep on living your own life and give her time to see

if she comes around.

I feel she is giving you an excuse now & then so she can try & back out w/out hurting your feelings.

Maybe just time to accept the changes that have occured with her now... and give her some respectful space and not

get too worked up over this.

She has a life.. so should you. She is not going to be as available now as she used to be....something you need to accept.

OP is a guy?

No I’m a girl

You need to make an effort to make more friends. it is not her responsibility to enhance your social life because you have chosen to limit your social circle.

Get out and meet new people: Meet ups, volunteering, classes, clubs (hiking, walking etc...). Time to make your life more full.

When you get a boyfriend you won't care as much about your friend.

Friendships change over time and it's normal to fall apart from some people for no specific reason. It has happened with me and with people I had great and close friendships and it didn't mean that either was doing anything wrong or disliking the other, just that we drifted naturally apart.

Now I don't feel that she's much interested and seems to be trying to back off passively. Accept it. If she says she can't go out because she has no money (weather that's true or not) and then has takeout is none of your business. It's also not her responsibility to socialize with you just because you don't have much friends and want to socialize more. Just accept this friendship has sailed (at least for now) and make moves yourself to get to know other people and have a fulfilling life through hobbies and activities you might like. Meet ups, volunteer and stuff are also good ways to meet people.

Don't put so much weight or responsibility in her when it comes to your social life.

She's probably feeling smothered since you say you don't have many friends, and you're overdoing it with the invites. When you make the effort to ask someone to do something and they refuse, don't keep asking. The ball is in their court to ask you the next time, and if they don't, it's showing you what you need to know. Two people should be making equal efforts in a friendship, and if they don't, it's no longer the friendship it once was and possibly needs to end or at least lessen to something less important in your life.

Meetups.com or finding new hobbies is a good way to enjoy activities with others, where the people are already there and there is no asking involved. When my first marriage ended, I had to find a way to meet my own social needs, and I and my handful of friends often work different hours and have different days off so I couldn't always rely on them to hang out. So I went to local dance events (east coast swing), where there's an hour group class with a dance following. I also took tango lessons and went to some meet up events like attending a blueberry festival at a wine tasting venue and going to a barbecue where people were supposed to dress like hoboes.

To answer your question, no, I wouldn't say anything to your friend. If you don't contact her and she never calls you again, you'll know she's outgrown the relationship. If she does contact you, go at her pace if you value keeping her as a friend.

She's probably feeling smothered since you say you don't have many friends, and you're overdoing it with the invites. When you make the effort to ask someone to do something and they refuse, don't keep asking. The ball is in their court to ask you the next time, and if they don't, it's showing you what you need to know. Two people should be making equal efforts in a friendship, and if they don't, it's no longer the friendship it once was and possibly needs to end or at least lessen to something less important in your life.

 

Meetups.com or finding new hobbies is a good way to enjoy activities with others, where the people are already there and there is no asking involved. When my first marriage ended, I had to find a way to meet my own social needs, and I and my handful of friends often work different hours and have different days off so I couldn't always rely on them to hang out. So I went to local dance events (east coast swing), where there's an hour group class with a dance following. I also took tango lessons and went to some meet up events like attending a blueberry festival at a wine tasting venue and going to a barbecue where people were supposed to dress like hoboes.

 

To answer your question, no, I wouldn't say anything to your friend. If you don't contact her and she never calls you again, you'll know she's outgrown the relationship. If she does contact you, go at her pace if you value keeping her as a friend.

I agree with this. And, I don't buy the excuse of "now I have a boyfriend so friends don't matter" nor do I think talking about friends in this way has anything to do with age - it's not a high school thing -friends are essential no matter what your age IMO. Certainly getting into a relationship or changing careers or moving require flexibility to keep the friendship going

I actually disagree with everyone, only because of the very last few sentences of your post. When she needs something or is feeling better about herself, she'll call you.

That's a big deal, and you only spent one sentence referring to it, so I'm not sure how often its really occurring. But, I 100% understand what it's like to have a friend that's "too busy" for anything you invite them to, but the second they need an ear or want something, they call you. My best friend never has time to do anything, not even go to lunch. And I invite her out MAYBE 2-3x a year. But the second she gets in a fight with her boyfriend, she'll call me asking me to come over because she needs to talk. That's literally what our friendship revolves around at this point.

If this is where your friendship is heading, I would say something. I fully intend to, the next time my best friend starts talking about her ridiculous relationship. Your friendship may not be as severely one sided as mine is, but if your expectations for the friendship are realistic, and you still feel like she is only around when she needs you, I would let her know about it. Especially if you dont want the friendship to end.

It sounds like you've grown apart, it happens. Just pull back.

She seems to patronise me in saying I need to go do more things on my own