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I did something bad with a married man


SKitty

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I know the title sounds really bad, and it is. But I've got my reasons. It just happened a few hours ago and my mind is in a complete mess, and I feel like . I have no idea what to do with myself. Please read the whole thing before giving me advice. It's a long story, just a warning. This is me getting all my feelings out.

 

Backstory:

 

Basically, eight years ago in high school I hadn't dated anyone before at age 16. There was this handsome, intelligent guy who was the tallest person in the school and quite popular with girls. He was also my senior. I didn't pay much attention to him for an entire year, with him doing things like purposefully sitting next to me in class and trying to talk to me. At the end of the year, when he was basically done with his senior year and looking to go off to college in a couple of months, he asked me out on a date at my friend's birthday party. We went out for a week (lol) until we were alone in his room and tried to initiate sex with me. When he saw the terrified look on my face he asked if I was a virgin. After that he backed off and completely cut contact with me. His best friend later told me that he didn't want to take my virginity and then leave overseas for college like that.

 

I had really liked this guy, and usually I don't like guys easily. I think it's because there were many times in high school he defended me to others and he didn't allow people to be rude to me, things like that. Once I had gotten to know him it was really hard to forget him. Just before he left he sent me a message apologizing then cut contact again. I didn't really chase it up with him, just sent him a couple of texts because at first I didn't understand why he was doing that. So I let it be and dated someone else a few months later.

 

Then a few months later he contacted me from interstate casually, asking how I was etc. He always behaved very abruptly, starting conversations with me then suddenly not responding over the next couple of years. He would pop up and ask me to go on holidays with him sometimes too, which I refused. He started dating someone in college and was really loyal to her, telling me he couldn't see me because of her (I was visiting his city while on a holiday with friends), he kept conversations short out of loyalty. I still liked him and found it hard to forget him, and I thought he was a good person to be so loyal to his gf. I always sort of just accepted this situation as something that wasn't meant to be, I never flirted with him or anything, and carried on with my own life throughout the years, I had a serious relationship too.

 

Years went on, I broke up with my long term boyfriend after 4 years. I got a job interstate, graduated college, got master's degree, etc. I became a really different person. I had mostly forgotten/didn't really care about this guy as it was the past, but whenever he contacted I still had a bit of old feelings left that kept popping up. Over the past year or so texting between me and the guy had increased for some reason. We were talking a lot again and didn't flirt or anything. He visits my current city a lot for business, and on one of these occasions he asked to meet up with me for a drink. We kept it completely friendly and again nothing flirty happened. He basically just kissed my cheek sweetly and told me to take care and that's it.

 

He let me know before that he had just recently married with someone, this girl he met in college and had dated for a couple of years. He seemed really in love with her and was always posting pictures with her on this messaging app we both use. He was loyal to whoever he was dating in the past so I assumed this was the same deal. We continued texting in a friendly manner after our catch up, until I was responding to him while drunk and he said like a joke that was sexual and I changed the topic quickly. Basically we had been keeping in touch by this point for 8 years and were attracted to each other, but had never had sex or full fledged relationship. I really, really wanted to do it but always held back for a million reasons and him too maybe?

 

The bad thing that happened:

 

Last week, he contacted saying he'd be in my city again this week for business. This time however he was staying longer than usual and was doing business for 3 days instead of a half day. So his company put him up in some fancy hotel. He asked if I'd be free to catch up for a drink and everything was fine and friendly last time so I said yep OK, good to have a friendly catch up. I was absolutely not considering anything aside from this at that time because I knew he was married and knew it would be wrong, but I always liked him so I accepted I could at least see him as friends. I also thought he would never cheat on his wife.

 

We talk about where to go for a drink, and he suggests that we could drink in his hotel lobby bar. I got a little bit suspicious of his intentions at that point, but still not 100% clear. The night before we talked a bit more where to go, and I suggest somewhere outside of his hotel. He says it's fine and "suggests" that another option would also be to drink in his room. At this point I'm surprised he said this and confirmed my suspicions more. We meet up and we go somewhere outside where I had suggested, and drink and talk for a couple hours. At this point we are still not flirting at all. After a couple drinks I get a bit buzzed, but not drunk. He is totally fine. We get up to leave and then he asks me if I want to continue drinking at his hotel, either in lobby or his room. This is the point where I kinda had bad intentions, after feeling buzzed I just didn't want to cut the night short, I wanted to see him.

 

We reached the hotel and the lobby bar was closed, so we went to his room. When we reached, I felt strange and sat on this chair far away from the bed. And my bad thinking was a little bit there but I was trying to suppress it. He acted normally and poured us wine, we continued just talking. Suddenly he gets up and comes over to my chair, he has a little smile on his face and I can't remember he said something quietly then kissed me. I reciprocated a few seconds then started laughing because I couldn't believe something like this bad was happening. I think this is when I started realizing finally, maybe he's not a good guy that I thought he was. But I also felt like my whole body wanted him super badly after 8 yrs. The alcohol was not helping to suppress this. I told him "do you not have an obligation to your wife?" He sighed and said yes and sat back down, and said something like "it's hard to realize you're locked in forever after marriage." This is when I think, he was going to just leave it at that and not do anything else because of what I said.

 

Then as we continued drinking and talking I felt more and more like "I AM GOING TO DO WHAT I WANT, F*CK IT! 8 F*CKING YEARS!" And sat on his bed when he went to the toilet. He came back out and said "are you staying tonight?" I kinda said no quietly, it was a bit of a back and forth, and I said "I don't have an obligation, but you do. Does it not bother you?" he replied "Yes I have obligation, but it's one night, so..." then he kissed me and well.. obvious what happened after that. We were like 2 animals tbh. After that I was quite dizzy and feeling drunk. So I was falling asleep. He suddenly changed his tune and kept asking if I was staying or sleeping at home. I didn't really reply at first cause I felt so weird and shocked at myself about what we did. Then he kept getting up and doing things, like he couldn't sleep.

 

He said "I'm a strange person, I can't fall asleep with other people, I even sleep separately from my wife" which I thought was kind of a lie or bull, whatever. But he told me I could sleep there a few hrs before work, he will just stay awake. I felt so weird and also really angry, and also cheap. I was also disappointed because my image of him was broken, I also kept thinking about what karma will come to me later because I did this, his poor wife, etc etc. I just felt really bad. I got up suddenly and dressed, he kept saying "let me come down with you", I told him no, grabbed my bag and basically stormed out without saying anything else. He texted repeatedly after that saying sorry, he thought it was understood between us, he feels bad because now our friendship is ruined. Note that he had never ever seen me angry in his life before so he was scared I think. I sent him some long drunk message telling him everything I had ever felt, how I had liked him for so long, and also told him he's a piece of who will have to live with cheating on his wife, and that I deserve better. Things like that.I told him he's disgusting also.

 

When I reached home I blocked him everywhere so he can't contact me now. I blocked him before he could respond coz I wanted the last word. Then I spent ages just hating myself so much and feeling terrible for his wife, and thinking that in future karma will come and someone will cheat on me like this. I also felt irrationally insulted and angry that he didn't want to sleep next to me. I had never done something like this before so I felt so strange. I still feel terrible and while I don't intend on ever seeing or talking to him again, I don't know how to handle my feelings. It all feels overwhelming.

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I won't get into judgements here. The main thing is.. Yes, you did something bad. So, the very best thing to do now is what you have done. Keep him blocked and don't fall into temptation to unblock him. If you keep him blocked you remove yourself from this bad situation, and from him, and it's the kindest thing you can possibly do for his wife at this point. if you can think of it that way, you can stay strong enough to remain no contact. It sounds like a bad experience in reality that was fueled all these years by pure fantasy. Reminding yourself of that will make it easier to keep walking away and never turning back to this situation (and vow to never go near one like that again in the future).

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I think you and him were never friends...too much sezual tension you should have cut him off looong ago ...now this is something you will have to live with. I think you made a mistake you might have broken a marriage ...but mistake happen when u are human and it takes two ...he was married but kept coming back to you which says a lot about him too....what you do is you learn from it and you grow into a better person. Stay away from him...if his wife ever finds out and comes for you ...humble yourself take responsibility for your part in this and move on with your life.

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Well what you are feeling is an ego blow. Your mind is trying to make sense of everything you thought you knew and what you actually know. This usually happens when you put someone in a high pedestal (oh he was always so protective of me, he was so nice to me that one time.. etc.) and then you realize it was just bunch of crumbs to get you to eat it all up.

 

It appears you've always been the chick he didn't get to "score" until last week. Now you are just another number to him.

 

Keep him block and just learn from this experience. If a married man - wait... if any "old friend" calls you to meet for a drink a a HOTEL bar, expect a bait hanging in front of you the whole time.

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He's disgusting??!!?? You're angry??!!! You really have some nerve!

 

YOU are the one who created all of it. YOU are the one who followed him down the path and practically jumped on someone else's husband.

 

You've got no right what so ever to be angry. The picture you had of him is now destroyed?? How do you get off saying these things? YOU are the one who slept with a married man.

You knew better, you knew what you were doing. You were very calculating.

At any point you could have said no, but you told yourself you had a right because you waited 8 years??!! What a load of bs!

 

You had no right, you never had a right.

 

And now you expect someone to feel sorry for you or to feel badly because he used you and asked you nicely to leave?

What exactly were you expecting? This is someone else's man...not yours.

 

You should have blocked and moved on years ago. It made no sense what so ever to remain in contact.

You helped destroy a marriage, and yes, you'd better hope that karma doesn't come back or else the next man you fall madly in love with will have a shady woman in the background ready to jump him!!!

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I won't get into judgements here. The main thing is.. Yes, you did something bad. So, the very best thing to do now is what you have done. Keep him blocked and don't fall into temptation to unblock him. If you keep him blocked you remove yourself from this bad situation, and from him, and it's the kindest thing you can possibly do for his wife at this point. if you can think of it that way, you can stay strong enough to remain no contact. It sounds like a bad experience in reality that was fueled all these years by pure fantasy. Reminding yourself of that will make it easier to keep walking away and never turning back to this situation (and vow to never go near one like that again in the future).

 

I don't think there's any chance of me unblocking.. I just don't know how to stop feeling like absolute garbage, worthless, not going to have a good boyfriend, etc

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After that I was quite dizzy and feeling drunk. So I was falling asleep. He suddenly changed his tune and kept asking if I was staying or sleeping at home. I didn't really reply at first cause I felt so weird and shocked at myself about what we did. Then he kept getting up and doing things, like he couldn't sleep.

 

He probably needed to call his wife and was waiting for you to leave before he did so. Unfortunately you are so self-absorbed that you can't tell when someone is equally as self-absorbed. Come back and read this again in a couple of years and I think you will be able to see more clearly.

 

I also felt irrationally insulted and angry that he didn't want to sleep next to me.

 

Actually, that is quite a logical way to feel.

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The very bad thing started when you met up with him the first time knowing he was married. If you want a good boyfriend, don't fool around with married men. Shame on you! I would have been sympathetic if he had never told you that he had met someone and married and therefore sort of mislead you but you knew FULL WELL that he was married.

 

"I AM GOING TO DO WHAT I WANT, F*CK IT! 8 F*CKING YEARS!"

 

Its not 8 years -- its zero years because he married. The ship sailed long ago on the two of you potentially dating and in fact the one situation you had with him was awkward and inappropriate on his part - with your body language you clearly told him you didn't want sex. This guy is trolling for sex because he would not have contacted you otherwise. He is not a friend - he is looking up women from out of town to have encounters with and i am sure you are not the only one.

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You knew what you were doing. You're just as bad as him!

 

Yes Holly, I think I'm fully aware of that. That's why I stated a thousand times that what I did was bad, and that I had bad intentions at one point. Everything else was just providing context as to what I was feeling at the time. You're not exactly providing groundbreaking useful advice here.

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He probably needed to call his wife and was waiting for you to leave before he did so. Unfortunately you are so self-absorbed that you can't tell when someone is equally as self-absorbed. Come back and read this again in a couple of years and I think you will be able to see more clearly.

 

 

 

Actually, that is quite a logical way to feel.

 

 

I don't think he was about to call his wife, because it was 2AM on a weekday and both cities are in the same time zone. I think he just wanted me to leave after it was done, obviously, as I stated near the end about him saying he can't sleep with other people, and that I knew it was a lie. I'm fully aware of this.

 

Self absorbed? Well yeah. Infidelity is in general a self absorbed and selfish thing to do. I agree with you.

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Yes Holly, I think I'm fully aware of that. That's why I stated a thousand times that what I did was bad, and that I had bad intentions at one point. Everything else was just providing context as to what I was feeling at the time. You're not exactly providing groundbreaking useful advice here.

 

Now you are defensive. I do not think you regret your actions. At all. Only that he made you feel cheap. I could say more, but I will receive an infraction.

 

He treated you as you deserved to be treated.

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OP, you were playing with fire and if you're going to be honest here, you knew you were. The feelings were there, and you wanted to meet with him to gauge how far things would go between you two. You wanted to know if he still felt the same way about you as you did towards him. Your whole post refers to what your gut was telling you when you met him outside of the hotel, and you knew that going back to his hotel room wasn't only for drinks.

 

I have to ask: How did you expect things to play out after you slept together? I mean, this can't come as a shock to you, can it?

 

If you're being honest with yourself, I think you'll admit that this is what you wanted. You only became upset once the deed was done and you felt discarded by him.

 

He didn't profess his undying love and you felt used.

 

Didn't help that alcohol was involved either. But these were choices that you made as an adult and on your own. You cannot fault him for a decision that you made. He wasn't forcing you to sleep with him.

 

I get that you came here to vent and that you're upset by how things played out. But what I don't understand is, what did you expect?

 

You knew what you were doing. You made a conscious decision to sleep with him. You seem to be putting all the blame on him.

 

Honestly, I don't get it.

 

It also seems like you're implying that because he's the married guy, it was up to him to stop this all from happening. I think you know that this doesn't make sense. You were both consenting adults.

 

The more I think about, the more it seems that:

 

You're miffed because you feel like you were used by him, and once you felt discarded, you're saying he should not have let it happen because he's married (and therefore, "disgusting").

 

This reasoning makes no sense. You have to take responsibility here. It wasn't all him. It was you too.

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I don't think he was about to call his wife, because it was 2AM on a weekday and both cities are in the same time zone. I think he just wanted me to leave after it was done, obviously, as I stated near the end about him saying he can't sleep with other people, and that I knew it was a lie. I'm fully aware of this.

 

Self absorbed? Well yeah. Infidelity is in general a self absorbed and selfish thing to do. I agree with you.

 

He did not want emotional intimacy. it was a bang bang thank you ma'am. He didn't want to cuddle and have pillow talk. he just wanted to score and doesn't care about you as a person

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Last post as I see you are not taking any blame what so ever or even feeling remorse.

 

Yes, I replied a few times, because selfish people like you destroy others and I'm not okay with that.

 

I asked specifically what kind of advice do you want? But at this point, I am no longer interested. Talking about ridiculous, re-read your own post!

 

I'm not wasting anymore time on this thread.

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You sound ridiculous. Get over yourself. If you feel so internally enraged about this kind of situation, as I can see from your multiple replies, and think you can't provide advice, then don't post.

 

There's nothing ridiculous at all about what she said. You did contribute to someone's hell. And you will have to deal with the outcome, even if it is just a bland gesture of remorse on some forum.

 

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Skitty,

 

I agree with another poster that you suffered a massive ego blow. This man USED you, plain and simple. As soon as the sex was finished, he was ready for you to leave. He's married; did you really expect for him to lay in bed with you and cuddle? This is what he does with his wife, not a side dish.

 

You have some nerve texting him about what type of "guy" he is, when you were a willing participant in the act. You are NO better than him, honestly. Your conscience is whipping you, and it should! If his wife found out, she might whip you or worse-- just saying.

 

You are going to hear the harsh truth on this forum. The man smashed you and was DONE with you after the fact; he had zero attachment to you after the sexual act and your pride/ego can't handle it. Well you can't unf**k him, so let this be a painful lesson to you to stay away from married or otherwise attached men. No matter how long you "know" them or how "cool" they seem--Sex changes the dynamics and you saw sooner rather than later that your situation wasn't favorable. You really dont need to smash married men because you cant handle what comes with that territory. Youre going to have to suffer through this one here-- there's NO quick fix-- you were USED and it will take time for the humiliation and anger to subside. This has no doubt been a powerful lesson for you yet. This guy is probably at home snuggled up with his wife or possibly planning his next cheating excursion, while you are condemning yourself. Just give it time, move on and be a better woman. Don't settle for being a side piece, ever! Have more self esteem. I feel sorry for the wife, and not you--- she needs an STD test because her life is possibly in danger and she's oblivious to this fact.

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