Intimacy Issues? Talk it out or walk away

I have been seeing a woman for 6-7 weeks. We’ve seen each other about 8 or 9 times during that time period. She is attractive, successful, intelligent, relatable, and she seems to enjoy a lot of the same leisure activities as me.

 

However, when we first met, I thought she was shy. She seemed nervous and seemed to avoid a lot of direct eye contact. Given the above things about her, I decided it was worth giving her a chance to become more comfortable around me. Unfortunately, she doesn’t seem to be getting more comfortable and often acts socially awkward at key moments of intimacy building. This has left me feeling unfulfilled and somewhat rejected/hurt at times. She has demonstrated a number of unusual behaviors which all point to her avoiding intimacy with me. For example, she was at my apartment watching Netflix with me, I put my arm around her and she doesn’t move a millimeter, not closer or further away, just stays unfazed. On multiple occasions, she called Uber’s at the end of the dates and kept looking at her phone to check on them while we were kissing.

 

Before one of our dates, I had not seen her in about 10 days since I was out of town. I texted her that I was looking forward to seeing her, she sent a text back saying haha, maybe I won’t remember what you look like(clearly blowing me off). I invited her to my apartment after the date, she said she wanted to go home and get a good night sleep and rejected my offer to come to her place(she had already been to my place multiple times at this point).

 

She stayed at my apartment one Saturday night and left very early in the morning, as I walked her out of my large apartment building, I opened the door for her and she walked right out without saying bye, much less stopping for a hug/kiss, and jumped in an Uber. The final straw was she was at my apartment again this week watching Netflix, we made out, had sex, then about two minutes later she pops out of bed to continue watching the show, then went home an hour later. She had also left my place rather quickly after the first time we had sex.

 

There are other details I will spare you all, but I just feel like she is avoiding intimacy with me in all of her strange actions. I tried to give her the benefit of the doubt. I’ve felt so confused by her polarizing actions it’s been difficult to figure out what was the common denominator. There could be any number of reasons for avoiding the intimacy but it’s making me feel like crap. I want to walk away from this situation but feel obligated to talk to her about it.

 

My gut feeling is that these behaviors probably have little to do with me and won’t change over time, so having a discussion about it may just seem hurtful to her. Either way, it’s just not working for me. I have rescuer tendencies and don’t want to fall into the trap of thinking these behaviors will change.

 

Would you:

A. Just break things off as the relationship is very early(6-7 weeks)

B. Break things off and explain why

C. Try to have a discussion and see where it goes

 

??

You have nothing to lose by telling her how you feel and what your experience has been like so far.

At least if you choose to shut it down you won't look back with regret that you didn't at least speak up.

 

I got off to bumpy start with my now bf. I actually cancelled a date at the last minute because I didn't quite understand him. Much to my surprise he wasn't getting a good read on me right either and this gave us that opportunity to talk about it and it brought us closer.

 

Now, one year later he is entirely different than I first assumed. I wouldn't have known had I not spoken up.

Between A and B, I'd choose B. And as long as you are doing B, why not let C be an option since you'll be discussing, and if it doesn't look good, then still B.

I feel really awkward about discussing basic dating etiquette with someone. Honestly, I feel like things are to the point where I’d rather take my chances on someone else. I kind of feel like this is just who she is and I don’t want to critique.

 

How would you go about discussing it? I thought about saying something like, I’m concerned we aren’t connecting on a more intimate level. Or “I’m concerned you don’t always feel comfortable around me”

 

She generally does have an anxious vibe, which is also kind of a turn off for me.

When I read the first few paragraphs, I thought maybe she liked you, but wasn't feeling a physical connection and was hoping it would develop. (That can and does happen with women). I thought she was buying time. But if she's sleeping with you, then she must be feeling that as well. It's worth a discussion.

 

Also her comment about maybe not recognizing you may have been if she had not heard from you while you were away. (And perhaps giving you a clue that bothered her).

Just break up if her personality doesn't suit you. She's probably always like this.

She generally does have an anxious vibe, which is also kind of a turn off for me.

I feel really awkward about discussing basic dating etiquette with someone. Honestly, I feel like things are to the point where I’d rather take my chances on someone else. I kind of feel like this is just who she is and I don’t want to critique.

 

How would you go about discussing it? I thought about saying something like, I’m concerned we aren’t connecting on a more intimate level. Or “I’m concerned you don’t always feel comfortable around me”

 

She generally does have an anxious vibe, which is also kind of a turn off for me.

 

Maybe you are doing something that is causing her to behave the way she does. Not in a bad way, but maybe something you haven't even considered.

 

Yes. .`you don't seem be much very much at ease around me' is a great way to open a discussion.

 

But given the way you just expressed yourself here, it doesn't sound like your heart is in it anyway.

From the tone I doubt anything she would say would matter . .so just call it a day.

Agree with reinvent. It seems you’re turned off and want to end it, which is OKAY. You don’t need a reason or to justify why you don’t wish to continue.

 

Perhaps you feel a sense of guilt because you’ve had sex? If so, don’t it’s okay. It doesn’t appear you’ve pushed her into anything, and many people lose interest after having sex (for a variety of reasons), that’s the risk we all take when opening ourselves to another in that way.

 

Re her behavior, without knowing her and based on what you’ve told us, sounds like she has a fear of intimacy.

 

NOT fear of sex, but fear of the emotional closeness and vulnerability, which is why she retreats afterwards and all her other strange and confusing behavior.

 

I highly doubt it’s anything you’re doing or not doing, it’s been happening in one form or another since day one, this is her nature.

 

Not likely to change (not without a lot of self-reflection and introspection) no matter who she’s with, so try to not take it personally.

i would do option C and and then A if that doesn't work out. i was once told by someone that if you aren't intimately compatible then it isn't the end of the world. if you aren't intimately compatible, your relationship will likely suffer. that's coming from an asexual. lol.

 

a lot of the time, these issues are common miscommunications. just talk to her first. talking is always the solution. she might not be super comfortable with being physically intimate and she does it anyway because she might feel guilty or obligated at the moment. its still a new relationship.

 

eh, that probably wasn't the best advice you could hear or what you wanted to hear but there you go.

Yeah, she's not feeling it. She's just going through the motions. You can talk to her about it, but most people will give you a BS reason and not the real reason. I think you should move on.

For me, the first several weeks should have enough novelty to where, if you've got potential with one another, you should be able to enjoy it pretty seamlessly without addressing each other's behavior. If we can't be naturally enjoying ourselves during that time, I'd likely suffer a headache trying to imagine things down the road. If you're catching yourself out like this, I'd take it as a sign this one wasn't the best go. I'd go with A as I've never sat down and qualified with any real amount of detail my reasoning for telling someone why I didn't think we were compatible after just a couple months.

and. . if you feel that either of you are unable discuss issues, it isn't very likely you will be intimately connected in a physical way. You can't have one without other.

 

Something to consider.

I'm with katrina and j.man here.

 

By date 8 you kind of want the butterflies to be of the flutter flutter variety, not the let's-hash-this-out variety.

 

Almost sounds, in a way, that you're both going through the motions hoping an almost-thing becomes a thing-thing.

I'm guessing that she may not be fully attracted to you so she was trying to put off physical intimacy. Then maybe she decided to give it a whirl and it still didn't do what she hoped it would. You can try having a discussion with her about not seeming fully at ease but I wouldn't be surprised if she ends up pulling the plug on this, either.

Unfortunately, she doesn’t seem to be getting more comfortable and often acts socially awkward at key moments of intimacy building. This has left me feeling unfulfilled and somewhat rejected/hurt at times. She has demonstrated a number of unusual behaviors which all point to her avoiding intimacy with me

 

did you actually talk about sex? Did you talk about what was okay and not okay? Did you ask if you could kiss her -- or did you start making moves on her even though her body language told you no?

I think her behavior is bizarre and rude. If you think there's potential for it to change I would tell her calmly "when you leave so abruptly and when you seem to avoid sitting close to me I feel like you're not comfortable being around me."

 

If it's worth it to you- I think it's fine just to end things. She's aware of how she's acting.

I feel really awkward about discussing basic dating etiquette with someone. Honestly, I feel like things are to the point where I’d rather take my chances on someone else. I kind of feel like this is just who she is and I don’t want to critique.

I agree. She sounds almost like she may be on the Autistic Spectrum but that's neither here nor there, the bottom line is that you're not connecting emotionally because she's not allowing herself to become the least bit vulnerable to you. I'd just break it off saying that you don't think you have enough in common to continue on.

It sounds as though she only is interested in a very casual relationship with you. Sex for the sake of sex and no emotions attached to it.

 

If you feel it's worthwhile mentioning something to her, you could try. But I think she's already demonstrated that she's not emotionally attached to you, you're the guy whom she casually dates and has sex with but it's neither here nor there for her.

 

If you want love and romance, you need to go knocking on another door.

Hmmm, the sex is pretty great actually. I wouldn’t mind having a FWB situation with her. I think we just need to have some real talk either way, figure out what is going on.

 

There could be any number of reasons someone could withhold intimacy ranging from recent break up to childhood trauma to mental health disorder. Personally, I don’t care what the reason is as I’m not her therapist. I think just having a serious talk to clear the air seems like the best approach.

 

I have enough dating experience to know her behavior is not normal. The reason behind it is irrelevant IMHO. All I know is that I’m done playing guessing games.

 

Thanks for the thoughts everyone!

I wouldn’t risk a sex arrangement - obviously given her behavior you two are not friends. If she acts like this you won’t be able to discuss whether there are complications or a potential pregnancy etc

Hmmm, the sex is pretty great actually. I wouldn’t mind having a FWB situation with her. I think we just need to have some real talk either way, figure out what is going on.

 

There could be any number of reasons someone could withhold intimacy ranging from recent break up to childhood trauma to mental health disorder. Personally, I don’t care what the reason is as I’m not her therapist. I think just having a serious talk to clear the air seems like the best approach.

 

I have enough dating experience to know her behavior is not normal. The reason behind it is irrelevant IMHO. All I know is that I’m done playing guessing games.

 

Thanks for the thoughts everyone!

 

FWB is always short term. if you are looking for something serious, ditch the robot so it doesn't hinder you from finding a real connection with someone else IMO

Is this the "no eye contact" woman?

 

If so, did you ask her why she doesn't make eye contact? And if this is the same woman, you already had a idea she is kind of aloof.

She may sense this is the objective from the Netflix and chill dates and lack of momentum in between dates as she alluded to with "maybe I won’t remember what you look like".

 

Heavy talks insinuating she is defective will shut the whole thing down. Perhaps she's seeking more of a bf or exclusive situation before she relaxes. It's unclear why you want her to step up if you don't .

I wouldn’t mind having a FWB situation with her. I think we just need to have some real talk either way, figure out what is going on.

She may sense this is the objective from the Netflix and chill dates and lack of momentum in between dates as she alluded to with "maybe I won’t remember what you look like".

 

Heavy talks insinuating she is defective will shut the whole thing down. Perhaps she's seeking more of a bf or exclusive situation before she relaxes. It's unclear why you want her to step up if you don't .

 

This is a great point (one I had not considered) and her comment about not remembering what you look like may have been said in jest, a playful way of letting you know she's been wondering as she hasn't heard much from you.

 

She may be waiting for and wanting YOU to step it up before she does, and till you do, she is going to hold back emotionally so as to protect herself and her heart from getting hurt.

 

Just something else to consider but yeah if you're really into her, talk to her

I went back and read your other posts.

It's either the same woman or different women you have the same frustrations with.

If it's the same woman, then move on.

 

But if similar issues of the same type - expectations, frustrations over lack of contact, timing, matching your level of interest, it might be a call to look within.

 

To throw your hands up with 'scr*w her/its her problem' attitude there's nothing to be learned here.

 

Either that or you are choosing the same type of woman over and over.

If that's the case, then you need to ask yourself why.