Out of the blue breakup

Hi all,

almost 2 months ago my boyfriend (2.5 years) left me completely out of the blue. We lived together and it was just one day after we had returned from a month-long trip abroad. He pretended to be happy with me, said he loved me, but it seemed to be an act as he already had doubts for some months. Which he 'forgot' to tell me about. I was in complete shock, talked with him a lot and asked him to work things out together. He cried, but said it was too late. He already made up his mind.

And here I am, two months later. I still feel devastated, disappointed and sad. I trusted him with all my heart, and he left me in a time I needed him the most. I feel a lot of you at least receive a message after the breakup, but 'mine' hasn't initiated contact one single time. He just throwed me out of his live, it feels like he completely forgot about me from one day to another. Like it meant nothing to him.

I haven't contacted him since 1.5 month eiter, trying to move on. I really want to move on, it just feels like I am not moving. Why am I not angry, just really sad? I'm still analyzing the relationship in my mind, trying to find the signs I missed and wonder myself how I could ever think we were happy while he was not. I'm wondering, how do others deal with this? It is just no contact, distraction and time? And was it difficult to trust a new person in a new relationship? I can imagine next time I well need a lot of confirmation things are really going well. Thanks a lot in advance for your help. X Sunn

what an for pretending to be happy for 2.5 years? I would be very angered by this.

How immature of him not to tell you throughout the relationship if there were signs of things not going well.

What did the say were the reasons?

Don't worry. Allow yourself to be sad, depressed, feel every emotion. Accept that this is over though.

Next, try new things Involve yourself with volunteering, meaningful conversations with family and God, read a good book.

You will get through xxx

What you're feeling is completely normal, regardless of the circumstances of the breakup. You shared space with someone for 2.5 years, and when that ends you have a literal and emotional void to reckon with—and, eventually, to just accept. Feel sadness, feel anger, let those questions come and go but try to not be too hard on yourself. This is the healing process.

Yeah, you likely won't begin to feel better for a minimum of 6 months after several years together. Just know that if you were the best gf you could be, that's all the control you had. If he had been a good bf, he would have put in the effort needed to keep the spark alive in your relationship, and if he wanted any improvements, he should have communicated that to you.

One day you will find out why this relationship didn't work out, and you'll be happy it didn't. As far as bringing emotional baggage into the next relationship, don't. Expecting constant words of affirmation from a man will drive him away, not confirm he will never leave you. A new man shouldn't pay for a crime someone else committed.

Concentrate on dating people who lack red flags, who make you feel like the special person you are, and being the best gf you can be. Beyond that, have a fulfilling life besides being in a relationship. In that way, if a relationship ends, which you know they sometimes do, you will have a support system and be upset about a break up, but won't feel destroyed.

I'm sorry, OP. As the others have said, what you're feeling is totally normal especially under your specific circumstances. It will take a while to move past this, and yes, you'll probably need more time to open up and trust a new guy now. That will unfold when you're ready.

I'm wondering if something happened on this trip abroad. I don't think he was pretending the entire 2.5 years you were together, but it's true he may have doubts for months that he didn't express. It's hard to swallow, but when someone doesn't discuss their doubts, it's usually already over because they just don't have an interest in putting things back together.

How was communication while he was gone?

Sorry to hear this. What were "his doubts for months" about? What were the arguments about? How old is he? Did he want the same things as you regarding marriage, future, kids, finances, career responsibilities, etc?

Did you move in with him or share a place? Where did you move to? Unfortunately no contact is the best thing for both of you.

We lived together and it was just one day after we had returned from a month-long trip abroad. he already had doubts for some months. He cried, but said it was too late. He already made up his mind. He just throwed me out of his live.

I'm sorry, OP. As the others have said, what you're feeling is totally normal especially under your specific circumstances. It will take a while to move past this, and yes, you'll probably need more time to open up and trust a new guy now. That will unfold when you're ready.

 

I'm wondering if something happened on this trip abroad. I don't think he was pretending the entire 2.5 years you were together, but it's true he may have doubts for months that he didn't express. It's hard to swallow, but when someone doesn't discuss their doubts, it's usually already over because they just don't have an interest in putting things back together.

 

How was communication while he was gone?

Sorry OP, I misread.

I see now that you took the trip abroad together. But I'll ask, how was that trip? Did you notice any signs of him pulling back during that time?

I'm sorry, OP. As the others have said, what you're feeling is totally normal especially under your specific circumstances. It will take a while to move past this, and yes, you'll probably need more time to open up and trust a new guy now. That will unfold when you're ready.

 

I'm wondering if something happened on this trip abroad. I don't think he was pretending the entire 2.5 years you were together, but it's true he may have doubts for months that he didn't express. It's hard to swallow, but when someone doesn't discuss their doubts, it's usually already over because they just don't have an interest in putting things back together.

 

How was communication while he was gone?

I agree here that he wasn't pretending for the entire time—try to recognize that as catastrophic thinking brought on by pain.

I know it well. Many years ago I was in a wonderful relationship. She went away for two weeks, came back with a different vibe. We were broken up maybe a week later, and it felt like I'd been run over by a truck.

Eventually I came to understand that what felt sudden to me wasn't for her. She'd been thinking about things, having doubts, craving independence—and we just didn't have the kind of communication required to deal with that stuff before it was brought to a boil. I was able to find comfort, oddly, in just that—because that lack of communication meant our "wonderful" relationship was missing some key parts.

The pain of that one was hard, but there were lessons there—lessons I'm now grateful of as the memory of that breakup (6 years ago) has receded into the past.

Dear all, thanks so much for your replies and kind words. I really appreciate it :) I will elaborate a little bit more.

He is 32. I don't think he was pretending for the whole 2.5 years (hopefully!). We wanted the same things in live. According to him, he had his doubts about us since approximately 3 months. We had some stressful events going on: he started a new (stressful) job in April, I was laid off the month before and looking for a new job since then. I suffered from this, and was emotional every now and then. Our trip was great! No fights, even talked about the future. No signs of him pulling back, we were always together. I could shake off the stress and not think about it. Unfortunately, when we came home I became ill. That morning he left as the guy I knew, in the evening he came home, cried, fell on the ground and said he couldn't do it anymore. The way we handle stress is different, and that was the only reason he gave.

Looking back, I agree I should have handled the situation differently. I have been analyzing it over and over again. I didn't do anything wrong to him (I would do anything in the world for him!), but I can understand my emotions had an effect on him. However, he never said anything about this to me, was actually very helpful. I wish he did. I'm seeing a therapist now, so at least I will learn my lessons for the future. He thinks I cannot change.

I'm still living in our house, he moved out. It's so quiet without him. However, I was really happy with him, he was my best friend and I would have done anything for him and the relationship, just feels I didn't got the chance. That's hard, and I wonder if our relationship meant that little to him. I have to move on as well, but it really hurts he walked away and seems like he completely forgotten me already. He really broke my heart, and I wish I could just move on too.

Unfortunately it sounds like things couldn't hold up for any sort of future if either of you react to life's stress or downturns this way. It seems his new job has a lot to do with it.

Did he meet someone at work? His reaction seems abrupt and exaggerated and as though he was looking for a way out since he started the new job. If there were this much "work stress", breaking up and moving out would just add to that.

he had his doubts about us since approximately 3 months. he started a new (stressful) job in April.

I asked about that multiple times, but he denies it... I don't think I have any reason to doubt that.

Unfortunately it sounds like things couldn't hold up for any sort of future if either of you react to life's stress or downturns this way. It seems his new job has a lot to do with it.

 

Did he meet someone at work? His reaction seems abrupt and exaggerated and as though he was looking for a way out since he started the new job. If there were this much "work stress", breaking up and moving out would just add to that.

I wondered that too.

It seems he probably didn't want to break up before the trip, but he was most certainly planning to do so afterwards, unfortunately. You have my sympathy, OP, I know this came as a terrible shock.

It was the first thing I thought about as well, but I don't think it's because of someone else. Otherwise he could just admit that? I don't understand why he had to fall on the ground, crying, while he had been able to prepare this for some weeks or months already.

Thanks a lot for your sympathy. It is indeed a terrible shock. The one day you are on vacation together, and then the next day this happens - quite bizarre. Can't believe he had this on his mind the whole trip. It's really hard when the person you trust the most turns his back on you. I just try to keep in mind there must be someone else out there for me who would never do this to me.

This happened to me too, also at 2.5 years interestingly. We had, what I thought, was the best relationship of my life: zero drama, we never argued, went on trips, etc. (incidentally, great intimate life as well....I think we had sex 90% of the days we were together.....so that wasn't the problem).

One Saturday, spent the day together, all fun. Came back to my house to hang out, and my family had been trying to contact him to arrange a surprise birthday party for me, which I figured out, so I asked him to call them back, and he said no. No reason, just no. I asked why, and he just said, "I don't want to". Ummmm....kkkkk? He then went downstairs, got his stuff, and left. We had no argument, no raised voices, not even a discussion. A few days later, I emailed him, and he said he'd come pick up his stuff, which he did, with one word: "Thanks".

I spent one full year in absolute shock. I'd go from room to room, looking behind doors, as if he was simply hiding.

Shortly after the breakup, my therapist told me to look at profiles on Match, thinking it would give me relief to see how many single guys were out there. One of those "single guys" was my ex.....there he was, with me cut out of our New Year's photo. He was only on for a few weeks (yes, I checked), and ended up marrying someone else (yes, I checked that too).

That was 6 years ago, and honestly, it took me so long to get over. The only thing that helped was: friends. People. Going out and doing stuff, dinners, etc., with friends. All the other stuff you read about: yoga, blah blah blah.....none of it helped. It was the people.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I know precisely how you feel.

It was the first thing I thought about as well, but I don't think it's because of someone else. Otherwise he could just admit that? I don't understand why he had to fall on the ground, crying, while he had been able to prepare this for some weeks or months already.

 

Thanks a lot for your sympathy. It is indeed a terrible shock. The one day you are on vacation together, and then the next day this happens - quite bizarre. Can't believe he had this on his mind the whole trip. It's really hard when the person you trust the most turns his back on you. I just try to keep in mind there must be someone else out there for me who would never do this to me.

That is what would have made me wonder what exactly this big performance was all about. If he's not known to be an overly-emotional or theatrical guy, it's odd.

It's entirely possible that there's nobody else on his radar. But for what it's worth, dumpers almost never admit when there is. They know how much that hurts their soon-to-be ex and how bad it makes them look. Again, you could be correct that it's not the case here. It just bears keeping in mind that few will ever come right out and say so.

In any case, all you can do is lean on your loved ones and do your best to recover. Take each day slowly. Set some goals for yourself, in terms of processing this. Be patient and kind with yourself. Know that when someone wants to work things out, they discuss their doubts with you and don't spring it on you like this. A good guy who's worth keeping in your life will talk and try to sort out problems with you, and yes, there are plenty out there who do just that. You will be free to find one, when you're good and ready.

My ex told me he just didn't want a girlfriend in his life at that time.

He had already moved my replacement into his house.

And we had just spent the weekend together. It happens, unfortunately.

I understand what you're saying. He might not be completely honest :)

It just feels like the issues were resolvable if I had known it were issues. And that's difficult to accept!

What did he eventually tell you they were? Did he keep blaming it on his new work stress or your unemployment?

It just feels like the issues were resolvable if I had known it were issues.

It was related to the way I coped with my stress. I was unhappy, didn't solve it properly and he was worried about me. I assume this became too much in combination with is own stress from his new job. The break up opened my eyes (I know it sounds cliche), because I never realized and he never communicated to me what it did to him. I thought we were fine and I just had my own problems. I'm seeing a therapist now to learn to better cope with similar situations, but he believes I will never change.

I'm so sorry! This is very hard to deal with. It's a lot of emotions, hurt, self doubt, sadness... I mean, you name it, you feel it.

My ex never contacted me again either. It's been around 7 months now. I reached out twice since the break up. He was polite but cold. So I don't plan to again.

It has been really hard. But I'm getting better. Sadness turns to anger and it goes back to sadness. and then again back to anger.... but with each cycle it lessens and I stop harping on it....

with time I'm kinda at the point where I don't focus on out too much. As it doesn't matter anyhow... he's who he is and did/ does the things he does for his own reasons.

take time to mourn and heal. spend time alone but also spend time with loved ones... that's how you know life goes on. It does. This does not define you and it's not the end. Do the work to rise above this and ultimately move on. Do this through self love and feeling how you feel until it passes.

You didn't "do anything" to him. You are simply incompatible and the whole relationship couldn't weather stress or real life, which is why you both were chill and relaxed on vacation but it came to a crashing halt upon returning.

It sounds like he's been unhappy for a while but thought the trip would help or things would improve. Perhaps he was trying to hang on and hope, but just couldn't do it anymore. Are you still communicating? Are you telling him about therapy and how you are going to change etc? Consider that it is both of you who couldn't handle the stress.

It was related to the way I coped with my stress. I was unhappy, didn't solve it properly and he was worried about me.

 

I'm seeing a therapist now to learn to better cope with similar situations, but he believes I will never change.

My ex didn't have anyone lined up. He met her on Match after the breakup. So it's not always that there's someone else lined up.

You'll come to realize, that if this is how he handles things, he's not the guy for you. You now know, that if you "handle stress" wrong, he'd walk. So you'd always be on eggshells.

This is who he is, and who wants to be with someone who simply removes himself from a loving relationship over something entirely fixable? He's going to go out there and look for perfection which, of course, he'll never find.

My ex found someone a lot younger than he is, who doesn't speak the language. She's simply a "yes honey" type person, and a "yes honey" type person, I am not.

Stress is a normal part of life. How we each handle stress is very individualized. Looks to me like, unfortunately, he was looking for a reason to end it. So cold, going on the vacation and then ending it. You'll come to realize this, I promise.....that he's not who you want to be with.

You didn't "do anything" to him. You are simply incompatible and the whole relationship couldn't weather stress or real life, which is why you both were chill and relaxed on vacation but it came to a crashing halt upon returning.

 

It sounds like he's been unhappy for a while but thought the trip would help or things would improve. Perhaps he was trying to hang on and hope, but just couldn't do it anymore. Are you still communicating? Are you telling him about therapy and how you are going to change etc? Consider that it is both of you who couldn't handle the stress.

This all sounds very plausible. However, 'incompatible' sounds so heavy. For me it feels like we could have been able to solve it, with proper communication. Or does that makes us incompatible already? I haven't contacted him since a month. I didn't feel like additional communication made things better. Told him I am willing to change (multiple times...), but he doesn't believe I can.. How could the trip improve things if I didn't had a clue about what was happening?

My ex didn't have anyone lined up. He met her on Match after the breakup. So it's not always that there's someone else lined up.

 

You'll come to realize, that if this is how he handles things, he's not the guy for you. You now know, that if you "handle stress" wrong, he'd walk. So you'd always be on eggshells.

 

This is who he is, and who wants to be with someone who simply removes himself from a loving relationship over something entirely fixable? He's going to go out there and look for perfection which, of course, he'll never find.

 

My ex found someone a lot younger than he is, who doesn't speak the language. She's simply a "yes honey" type person, and a "yes honey" type person, I am not.

 

Stress is a normal part of life. How we each handle stress is very individualized. Looks to me like, unfortunately, he was looking for a reason to end it. So cold, going on the vacation and then ending it. You'll come to realize this, I promise.....that he's not who you want to be with.

I'm sorry to hear about your breakup. When did you breakup? Hope you are doing well!

Thanks a lot for your kind words. I know you are right, but my heart still hurts. I would totally understand if he would breakup with me over something we've already tried to fix, however, he walked away before we tried anything. I totally agree I should have handled things differently, I just don't understand I can't get the chance to work on it. I would have never done that to him :)

Never bargain like that. The fact that he was critical of you and expected you to change, indicates a lack of compatibility.

No, "communication" does not fix everything. Action does. The biggest myth on earth is that talking can resolve everything. In fact often "communication" is just talk and tends to complicate and muddle things, even creating problems where there aren't any.

What resolves things ultimately is action. Talk without that is a set up for empty promises, lip service, backsliding, repetitive cycles and arguments, staying stuck, etc.

Told him I am willing to change (multiple times...), but he doesn't believe I can..