Missing my son

I am really missing my son. He committed suicide 9 years ago. His birthday is coming up he would have been 23, it's totally my fault he's dead. God spoke to me and said he would commit suicide if i followed a certain path. I did it anyway despite the warning. He was my boy. Always wanted to please me. I really let him down. I'm an awful person. I let my fears rule and didn't trust God. I think of him so often. How different my life is and not in a good way. I really screwed up. In unforgiveable ways.

I have his ashes. I need to put him to rest. I don't know how much a burial plot is. My heart is broken.

I'm so sorry for your loss - I can't imagine the pain. Have you been to counselling to help you with this over the years?

Yes and I have therapy Friday. They say it's not my fault but I know it is. I can't stop grieving.

I am not religious, but since you are, you must believe that God is merciful.

This is the definition of "mercy":

"compassion or forgiveness shown toward someone whom it is within one's power to punish or harm."

In other words, maybe you rightly feel you screwed up and it's your fault. That sounds honest. And I don't think it helps to try to gild that lily by saying his death was not due to your actions (even though most of those affected by someone's suicide do wrongly blame themselves, in the case of a child who still needs and relies on a parent to responsibly be their parent, there is more culpability there.) HAVING SAID THAT...if you believe in a God that shows compassion and forgiveness, because God is merciful, perhaps you should have this conversation with God. Ask if you might be forgiven, because you have atoned. Maybe God feels that you have been punished enough through your own remorse.

Mercy for "sinners" is one of the most powerful teachings in the Bible. Isn't it? This sorrow and pain is of Biblical proportions, so maybe it is time to consult the most precious part of your religion.

Tiredofvampires your post is very helpful. Thank you.

You're welcome, Jetta. Take care of yourself. Forgiveness may be a lifetime of work, whether it's for oneself or another, but it's worth it I think. And you have a source of strength in your relationship with God for this mission.

I am so sorry , Jetta, I remember you posting that about your son. I am so very sorry. Please take all your pain and offer it to Jesus. He is there for a reason. To handle what we can’t . Love and prayers. ❤️

I remember this as if it happened yesterday, Jetta. Please be kind to yourself, my thoughts are with you, and again, I'm so sorry for your loss.

Oh gosh, I can't imagine.

I am so sorry Jetta. Be kind to yourself.

Oh, Jetta, hugs and love. And prayers that you may find forgiveness.

I am so sorry for your loss -- please, please know that it is not your fault in any way. As someone who is also a survivor - a loved one committed suicide and i blamed myself its not true -- don't believe the lie that is in your head. That was not God talking - it was your own fear and self blame-- we have thousands of thoughts a week and it just so happen this one matched up to something that happened. No one commits suicide solely because of the life choices of another.

I too want to offer my condolences and love.

Do be easy on yourself and patient. Life slows down when grieving*

Carus*

Thank you all for the kind words.

I’m sorry your in so much pain . Be kind to yourself. It will get better.

Red88

Jetta-I feel the grief from your message. Love, light to you. God is compassionate and merciful. Our creator Lord is beautiful beyond belief and he upholds the universe. Place your trust in the Lord once again to find the strength to overcome your grief.

Remember your son in positive ways he would not want you to grieve like this. Self-love and care is extremely important in life.