Saying no to events because I dont have kids???

Im going to try to make this short so Im not going to try to say things nicely, just bluntly so you get can my honest perspective. I love my fiance and his family too, this is just the truth and the way things are IMO. Most of his siblings have kids and drug or alcohol problems. CPS has even gotten involved in one case. His brother who got engaged right after us (to his 20 yr old girlfriend who has a 7 yr old from previous relationship) just had the wedding last week and their baby is turning 1 soon and they invited everyone to the party. It seems even through their horrible relationship, cheating, abuse, police being called all the time, just way too hectic for a couple with KIDS..they still are making life happen. His dad gave them a condo, the call her daughter his daughter, they have a new baby together, they are now married...yet they are so immature and volitile...and I used to go along with everything and not be so judgemental, I used to try to get along with them and go to all the family events but now my fiance and I do what WE feel we want to do, because I honestly am sick of watching these people have everything handed to them that I am working so hard for. I wasnt able to have our baby when we got pregnant many years ago. It still hurts, and on top of the jealousy (even though I know I am in a much healthier and happy relationship and trying to do things in my own time in a way I believe is responsible) I guess its also because ALL his siblings have kids. The whole family goes out and does the kids things...the things Im DYING to do, but interacting with their kids just makes me feel really sad, and even if Im not being left out I feel that way. I guess I just want advice on how to work through this irrational "jealousy" or if theres another word for this and Im also wondering if theres something more I need to work through with the personal loss I went through, even though I chose to, I should be happy because I DID make the right choice..but its hard when everyone wants us to do all these kid things. Is it messed up for me to keep turning down these kids and babies birthday invites or am I doing right by me?

duplicate post

Sorry to hear this. It's fine to distance yourself from toxic people.

Well, it's not about jealousy or them, it's about this:

I wasnt able to have our baby when we got pregnant many years ago.

Have you thought of adoption?

I think it’s natural to be frustrated or even jealous when the things we work hard for are handed on a plate to people who seem to not appreciate it.

I think you should seek counselling after your abortion/miscarriage (can’t tell which from your post) to help you work through residual feelings.

Most of all focus not on how much more deserving you are, of the things these people are given, but on how proud you are to have worked hard and made the selfless choices you have. You are well within your right to navigate all this potential upset by declining more invites with your partners messy family and reconnecting with your own friends and family, enjoying romance with your partner and opening up to him/her about how you feel about the child you conceived (presumably together?)

I hope you feel better soon xx

You wanted to be blunt, so I'm going to be blunt with you: You're showing sour grapes.

 

Yes ma'am. Sourest grapes of all.

 

It's not your place to take issue with what your fiancé's dad does with his money. He can buy them a brand new Mercedes if he wants. His money, his choice.

 

They invite you. They include you. Be glad they do.

 

I'm a divorced 56 year-old woman who never did have kids, but I take such joy in hanging with my siblings' kids. They have new laptops, new phones, and nicer clothes than I do. What do I care? They're cute, they're fun, and they enjoy inviting me to stuff. Everything from roller skating parties when they were little to lunches at nice restaurants when they were older. And everything in between.

 

I'm literally mailing, today, a Michael Kors bag to one of the teenagers as a birthday surprise.

 

Lose your jealous/insecure/bad attitude, or you're going to lose your fiancé.

I think you have entirely missed the sentiment of the OP. I don’t see where there is a comparison to be made between kids receiving expensive gifts and alcoholic druggies irresponsibly popping out kids getting hand outs.

I think any responsible person would be frustrated by the scenario the OP describes. Similar situations certainly infuriate me and I’m not even sure I want kids!

I understand how painful it can be to not have kids - and want them - and to see people around you having that life and wanting it. And I can totally see how you would be frustrated seeing them basically “wasting” what it is you want... and having things so easily, etc... but it’s good that you recognize that these are your issues to contend with.

That said, i am a huge family person and i think it’s important to see things differently. These children - you are their aunt. They are their own little people - not asking to be brought into a specific family or situation. It’s not their fault that things are handed to their parents or that their parents are messed up. Think of all the positive things that you can bring to their lives. Another role model. An example of responsible choices. An alternate way to live. I dunno... the way you describe it and the way that I see it, these little people need you!

And really, what happens if (god forbid) you should never be able to have kids? Wouldn’t you want to cultivate an awesome and close relationship with these little ones?

It may be helpful to try to see them as their own little people as opposed to an extension of their parents.

I agree that councilling would be a good idea to help you cope with your own pain.

... but I do hope you find ways to embrace these children as your family (despite your feelings for their parents). It could be the greatest gift to both them and you!

thornz is spot on

I would have none of this cr*p. Taking part in a family of messed up, druggie, adults who don't lift a finger, pop out kids who have to have child protective services look after them because their own parents failed to do so. That's pretty beneath me and you, OP. I don't care if I sound judgmental about that. I have 0 respect for sympathy for parents who fail to take care of their own children. 0!

I don't think you're being "jealous" about not wanting to be around their kids. You're grieving and that's perfectly acceptable!!! I would probably feel the same way. I think it would be smart to get a therapist to work on the pain you're experiencing.

For those that insist OP take part in her nieces and nephews lives for the sake of them being family...I get it but at the same time these people seem toxic and I would have very little involvement with them. Blood is not always thicker than water. Not everyone looks at family the same way. I would send the kids some gifts on their birthdays and holidays but these people sound awful and there's no reason why OP needs to be around that mess especially considering she lost a pregnancy and is having trouble coping.

I am aware though of the ramifications this could have with your significant other so that's something to consider. I wouldn't date a guy with a family like this so it's easy for me to say I'd keep my distance but since you're invested in your man, you might have to suck it up occasionally.

girl00, you do whatever you need to do to be at peace with yourself.

I'm dealing with infertility myself. We've been trying for 2.5 years now, with not a single positive pregnancy test. Its infuriating, heartbreaking, stressful...its a roller coaster of emotions. During the last 2.5 years, I have a cousin who didn't want another baby, have another baby, along with a brother who is a pos husband and absent father, and hes had 2 sons. For months, I avoided family gatherings, I avoided being around them. All they wanted to talk about was baby stuff, and I couldn't handle it.

No one knows the right things to say, and they dont realize how the situation feels to you. Ive been so angry before that I've cursed God up and down (I'm a Christian), questioned my faith, took off for a long run in the rain just to be alone and cry....Just do what you need to do for your own peace of mind. There is no wrong way to deal with this, just keep as much distance as you need, and always remember your blessings.

I sincerely hope you get the family you long for.

It's ok. It's ok to take it in whatever doses you need to in order to stay positive and healthy. I get it. I touched on it lightly in my journal. It's a strange feeling. I've wondered too is it jealousy . Hmm maybe a little. But more like salt being rubbed in a wound. You try to be responsible, and yet it's a struggle. Then to see people who go ' f it, I do what I want, who cares' with children - yeah, it hurts in a special way. It's feels gross, almost insulting.

It's just better to be around those who are supportive and inspiring during a time like this. No need to try and be a hero. Do what is true to your heart. I find it very comforting being around happy loving families who really love their kids. It reminds me of what it's all about. Do those things which are comforting and inspiring for you.

As for actual help, it seems you have some risidual trauma left over from your personal experience, which seldomly i tell people here to get professional help, this is one of those cases i think you should go too.to

I think you have entirely missed the sentiment of the OP. I don’t see where there is a comparison to be made between kids receiving expensive gifts and alcoholic druggies irresponsibly popping out kids getting hand outs.

 

I think any responsible person would be frustrated by the scenario the OP describes. Similar situations certainly infuriate me and I’m not even sure I want kids!

I actually deleted the post to which you were referring, as I re-read the OP's initial post and realized I misunderstood. My bad.

now my fiance and I do what WE feel we want to do

 

...I guess I just want advice on how to work through this irrational "jealousy"

 

 

...or if theres another word for this and Im also wondering if theres something more I need to work through with the personal loss I went through, even though I chose to, I should be happy because I DID make the right choice

 

.... Is it messed up for me to keep turning down these kids and babies birthday invites or am I doing right by me?

It is fine for the two of you to make choices that are best for you. I don't see it as irrational jealousy at all. Choose which family events you'll join each year, and politely decline the rest. It doesn't have to be about having kids or not, or people having messed up lives. You only have so much time and choices, and it makes sense to choose what works best for you.

It can be done politely, show the love you have, do it without openly rejecting them, just decline the events other than the 2, 3, or 4 (or whatever) you feel are most important family traditions you want to participate in.

girl00, you do whatever you need to do to be at peace with yourself.

 

I'm dealing with infertility myself. We've been trying for 2.5 years now, with not a single positive pregnancy test. Its infuriating, heartbreaking, stressful...its a roller coaster of emotions. During the last 2.5 years, I have a cousin who didn't want another baby, have another baby, along with a brother who is a pos husband and absent father, and hes had 2 sons. For months, I avoided family gatherings, I avoided being around them. All they wanted to talk about was baby stuff, and I couldn't handle it.

 

No one knows the right things to say, and they dont realize how the situation feels to you. Ive been so angry before that I've cursed God up and down (I'm a Christian), questioned my faith, took off for a long run in the rain just to be alone and cry....Just do what you need to do for your own peace of mind. There is no wrong way to deal with this, just keep as much distance as you need, and always remember your blessings.

 

I sincerely hope you get the family you long for.

Indea, off topic but have you had your thyroid checked? Someone I knew (who is a registered nurse!) hadn't been able to conceive. She was very slender (as you appear to be) and I have thyroid disease so I'm somewhat familiar. Turned out, she DID have an overactive thyroid. Her doctor started her on medication and two months later she was pregnant. She used to tell people that I was the reason she got pregnant, which drew some strange looks from people! Just wondered if that might be your issue.

On topic? I wouldn't concern myself with whether or not others "deserve" anything. I would focus on being happy that my partner and I do not have the issues the others have.

I cant thank you guys enough for your responses. Thank you for sharing with me and taking the time, I really appreciate it and it was very, very helpful.