Relationship anxiety - how can I stop it before I end up alone forever...?

Hey guys,

I haven't come here for a while for advice, but today I'm feeling a little bit down and feel like I'm hitting a brick wall. In any relationship I've ever been in (since I was 16 years old) I've always experienced relationship anxiety. I become preoccupied with the relationship, and develop insecurities.

Before anyone says I need to spend more time single, I spent years of my twenties single, and i was single throughout university too. I'm now 29. I feel pretty good about myself in general, career stuff is all good and i feel secure in my friendships, so it appears to be something specific to romantic relationships.

I remember since my very first boyfriend when i was a teenager, always finding fights incredibly painful, and feeling scared he'd leave me in any conflict we'd have. This used to drive me to clingy behaviors and have panic attacks - over very silly small fights.

I would recover maybe the next day and it would be fine.

Anyway, to this day i'm still repeating the same behaviour. My current boyfriend does not start fights with me. I don't think he has ever done such a thing. But he might say something that can come across a bit cold and abrupt at times, and this can send my anxiety into overdrive if it is late at night especially.

There have been a few occasions where I have expressed anxiety and upset over something small, late at night, where I am seeking reassurance, and he says 'can we just talk about this in the morning' but he doesn't say this in a empathetic way, he is quite harsh when he says it. This makes me feel a whole lot worse, so I keep him up, late into the night, and i start crying and he thinks its performative/emotional blackmail so he doesn't take it seriously enough, until the other night where I was shaking and unable to speak from how much i was crying because my brain thinks that's it, he's going to leave me. Him not being able to reassure me just makes it worse and worse. Until he finally gives in and consoles me and tells me everything is okay and that we're good.

The other night it happened again, I asked him if he's going to break up with me, and he said "not if you're working on this".

This stuck with me. I haven't since told him, but i have felt anxious ever since, that he may not love me unconditionally. I wonder if he loves me and is staying with me just in the hope that i'll change.

​I also want to be able to tell him that I can work on this and would like to get better, but I need him to be more reassuring to me in these moments of doubt I have, to stop it from escalating. ​Is this something I can reasonably ask without irritating him? I don't know why it takes him so long to understand that all I ever wanted in the first place was a hug or an empathetic response. I'd like to tell him that 'when you're overly aloof and harsh and snappy with me, it makes me feel terrible'.

The problem is that the first sign of anxiety he sees in me, he just acts like I'm a nuisance, wants to run a mile, and he acts irritated instead of giving me the reassurance I need. Instead of it taking 2 hours for him to finally hug me, I just want him to be able to do it at the first instance.

Am i asking too much of him? What can I do?

Stop the late night chats when someone is tired and wants to stop chatting and having drawn out relationship talks. Don't undermine things with backhanded conversations and innuendos. Say good night in a timely fashion.

Forcing someone to stay awake and argue makes no sense and is rude and unfair. If you have insomnia, reduce caffeine and alcohol and do something more relaxing in the evening. Or get up and watch tv, drink a glass of milk, take a warm shower, go home, whatever. But don't torment your partner.

Don't undermine things with mind reading and pouting. If you want a hug, go up and hug him. Don't expect therapy or babysitting when dating, hold your own.

I haven't since told him, but i have felt anxious ever since, that he may not love me unconditionally.

He doesn't, and shouldn't, love you unconditionally. That's a privilege reserved for parental love where the child is totally dependent on them, and isn't appropriate in the adult world. You're trying to connect with him from the standpoint of a scared child looking for a parent's reassurance, and this WILL eventually drive away someone who's looking to relate to you as an equal - thereby becoming a self-fulfilling prophecy.

As to what to do... you may find this article useful. Don't beat yourself up about anything, be gentle with yourself and find out as much as you can about 'Anxious attachment style'. https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/the-freedom-change/201503/overcoming-relationship-anxiety-and-feeling-good-about-it

Good luck!

I think you are asking way too much. It is not reasonable to expect someone to reassure you. And not reasonable to expect unconditional love. I don't understand why you have such unreasonably high expectations of your romantic partner. It's as if you have been spoiled before by someone who would do all this and that's why you expect it now?

You have complete control of your actions, even when you have no control of your feelings. You control what comes out of your mouth. Were your parents very lenient? If I acted out my parents corrected me so I dare not do it again. As for your anxiety, if you don't act out, you can deal with it yourself. If you act out, it is escalated and then you try to "win". That's so much worse. Just keep your mouth shut and give yourself a time out. You have to discipline yourself.

Yes, you are asking far too much of him.

While you don't have a malicious intention, you are unfairly holding him emotional hostage for your own anxiety and insecurity problems. It isn't his responsibility to talk you down all the time, particularly when it's late and he needs to sleep. You are expecting him to placate all your fears and soothe you the way a parent would soothe a child. It's not appropriate in a romantic relationship between two adults. Loving someone unconditionally is also a very flawed concept, and really only has a place between parent and child. It is healthy and normal to have dealbreakers in a relationship, and not overlook behaviours that are destructive and draining, no matter the reason.

You need to get at the heart of your fear of abandonment. As someone else suggested above, you should look into Anxious Attachment as well. This isn't your partner's problem to fix, though he can support you through the process if he chooses. The way you're approaching it at the moment, by foisting primary responsibility on him, will eventually lead to what you fear most if you don't start addressing it now. It's good that your recognize that there are issues here which are not related to him; now, you have to decide what you are going to do about it.

By the way, how long have you been together? Is this the same man you've been on-off with for a while?

Pretzel,

Before I respond.. how long have you been dating?

You're in London, UK, as I recall?

I've dated versions of this, and actually recently ended something (before it really began) because of someone's anxious attachment style. Been there, done that, know where it goes. As others said, it is simply unreasonable for an adult to expect anyone to reassure us and love unconditionally in the way you're describing. Adult romance is not about kissing boo boos and making them feel better.

I don't say any of that to sound patronizing—I feel for you, as I feel for anyone confronting their darker corners. But just as it's not the job of an internet stranger like me to make you better, it's not your boyfriend's either, and that's the piece of this that you still sound a bit resistant to. Your annoyance at your boyfriend is really your annoyance at yourself, projected outward. You're fulfilling the very prophesy you wish to avoid.

Logically, you seem to understand this, and are aware of your anxious tendencies in romance. That's good, but only a start. The thing you're bordering on doing in this current dynamic is that you're asking for some kind of reward (reassurance) for simply being aware of the work you need to do/are doing. But that's your work, for you, and the whole point of it is to not offload your anxieties on a partner. You may feel momentarily better expressing yourself—"seen," "heard," less jittery—but he's likely feeling heavier, pressured, not so much a person as a place for you to store the jittery parts of yourself that you can't quite handle. That's a center that can't hold, especially when people need to get some rest before work.

Everyone has anxieties. And iffy habits. Frayed edges. Bad days. It's what makes us humans so compelling and complex. Being an adult is about learning healthy ways to cope with them on our own—so they don't control us, so they don't lead us down the wrong paths, so we can have space to connect with people more fully. Like, me? I do a lot of physical activity—yoga, surfing, motorcycle rides—in order to keep my own wobbly center, well, centered. And therapy. And, sure, some red wine and the occasional cigarette—not the healthiest indulgences, but if the occasional drink and three cigarettes a year helps me be a less selfish friend and lover I'll take it as I continue to refine my own work, you know?

It also might be worth taking a moment to think about the kind of people you're attracted to. Psych 101 has it that "anxious" types are often drawn to "avoidant" types, which makes for a lot of early push-pull heat (easily mistaken for deep love) but ultimately a cycle in which both parties end up drained. If someone makes you anxious, that should be an immediate sign that they're simply not the person for you, as friend or lover—that anxiety isn't always your flaw, but just the way the chemical compounds of two people mesh. But if you're finding yourself repeatedly drawn to people who stoke anxiety—well, yeah, part of that is work to be done, but also, in a way, of sidestepping the work. After all, being wanted by someone is a reward in itself, and we can use that reward to stay put in ourselves when we should be evolving.

What are you doing to work on this, aside from talking to your boyfriend when the spins start?

'There have been a few occasions where I have expressed anxiety and upset over something small, late at night, where I am seeking reassurance, and he says 'can we just talk about this in the morning' but he doesn't say this in a empathetic way, he is quite harsh when he says it.'

Could you give us an example of the small issue about which you're seeking reassurance?

Obviously it's completely different in a LTR. But, if we had a conversation late at night about something that worries me, unsettles me, something that I need reassurance about and my husband said to me 'can we just talk about it in the morning'..I'd be both mad and very upset. It IS, IMHO, a job of your long term partner to support and reassure you, and yes, love you unconditionally. Otherwise, what are relationships for?

Metaltwin, allow me to present a question to you.

If your partner's anxious attachment, insecurities, abandonment issues resulted in him becoming *physically* abusive (which is where abuse stems from), would it still be your job to support, reassure and love him *unconditionally*?

I would hope the answer to that question is a big NO!

Severe anxiety and insecurity such that OP has described and what she is expecting of her boyfriend is unreasonable and toxic.

No healthy person is going to be able to tolerate this on a regular basis, and should not be expected to.

As bluecastle said, we ALL get anxious and insecure sometimes. I know I do. I don't burden my bf with it, I deal with it within myself, eventually I reach higher ground and it passes.

As others have said, romantic love is not unconditional as in the scenario I presented at the beginning of this post (for example).

Or perhaps more to the point (in my opinion) we might still love our partners, but that doesn't necessary mean we are required to "stay" with them if their *issues* become too much of a mental/emotional burden and/or they are not seeking help (within themselves or from a qualified professional) to resolve.

How often do you have these "moments of doubt "?

It is not his job to manage your insecurities. And by him doing so you miss the opportunity to manage them yourself.

His reassurance is actually reinforcing your insecurity. It becomes a viscous cycle.

I know because I have been on both sides and I understand because it's miserable.

It's miserable to feel insecure and not being able to get a handle on it and it's equally miserable to be with a person who doesn't trust you and needs continual reassurance.

Therapy

Seriously. It's the best investment of your time and money. Just wishing it away isn't good enough sometimes.

'If your partner's anxious attachment, insecurities, abandonment issues resulted in him becoming *physically* abusive (which is where abuse stems from), would it still be your job to support, reassure and love him *unconditionally*?'

Katrina,

Not sure where you got the abuse from. My husband wouldn't hurt a fly even if said fly sat on his nose and refused to leave. When I said 'unconditional' I did not mean 'despite the man being abusive'. This is a no-brainer for anyone remotely sane - first sign of any form of abuse and he is out on his a***.

My husband and I have been together for 14 plus years. We go through periods where he requires my unconditional love and support, and I his. We provide this for each other. We don't say to each other 'can we talk about this tomorrow'. We are there for each other, we're each other's therapist and shoulder to cry on when required. We're waaaay past the stage in our relationship where we need to 'deal with our own issues'. We deal with OUR issues together. That is what I meant. Hope this clarifies it for you.

First of all, I'd like to thank everyone for such thoughtful and full replies, which are helpful for keeping me in check.

Also, i'm not looking for validation - in fact it is helpful to be told that objectively that it's me with the issue and that I expect too much from my partner, because it makes me less resentful of him and it makes me look inwards.

@Metalwin70, this is the exact kind of relationship dynamic I would like. I also found it to be very cold, to brush off my concerns and say 'lets talk tomorrow'. However, to him it was probably entirely rational and reasonable. Perhaps it's too early for me to expect unconditional love, and he needs to be able to trust me first completely. It's been about 7 months.

He tells me he loves me very often, and we have a loving relationship and support each other in different ways in our lives. It seems to be that this issue is the main offender in our relationship.

I am trying to work out what my triggers are, and it's usually when he's overly aloof, or distant or irritable that sets me off, makes me start worrying. I take it personally, and I ask for reassurance, which must be very annoying for him. But i don't know how else to ease my anxiety when he is in a bad mood. I just need him to tell me nicely, that it's not personal. In my head, that isn't too much that I'm asking for. I don't why he can't just do it, calmly. Instead, he gets in a huff and puff and says 'Not this again, there's nothing wrong, stop worrying'.

In terms of frequency, it really varies. I didn't have any big freak outs for about 3 months, and then last month it happened a couple of times, and then once last week. When it happens, it really provokes me and hits a nerve when he goes 'you do this all the time', when I absolutely DON'T. It's really frustrating. And it's getting way less frequent than my former relationships, and i've told him this, but he doesn't acknowledge it. I don't want praise, I just want to feel accepted.

I have an appointment with a therapy adviser, so I can get matched up to the right therapist for me, within a reputable organization near my workplace. So yes I am really doing everything I can to improve the way i am. I completely identify with being 'anxiously attached' and I know that I tend to go for more avoidant personality types. My goal with therapy would be to just get towards being more secure on the spectrum. I just wish my boyfriend would be a bit more sensitive I suppose. (He also gets once weekly therapy, but I don't know how much he discusses our relationship dynamic, the impression i get is that he mainly goes over work stuff).

@Metaltwin,

My abuse scenario was a hypothetical. Not pertaining to you or the OP's situation. Just a "what if." Apologies if that wasn't clear.

It sounds like you and your husband have a lovely relationship, thanks for clarifying! My bf and I have a very mutually-supportive relationship as well.

To answer your question re what are relationships for, can't speak for anyone else, but I look to my bf and relationship to *enhance* my already happy and fulfilling life.

That's not to say I don't struggle with anxiety and insecurities sometimes, I do, but when they involve him or our relationship, I really do try to work them out within myself.

I do yoga regularly to calm and center me, eat good and healthy foods (it helps!) occasionally go for a run which also calms me.

Because at the end of the day, it's really nothing he is doing or saying (per se), it's something within myself that is causing my own internal struggles causing me to react in certain ways, so in my opinion, it's *my* job to work them out.

But we certainly do support each other in many other areas, when we need it. Life struggles not internal struggles, if that makes sense.

i have always been that way really, working my internal struggles out myself. Probably cause I am the middle of six kids and learned to be self-sufficent from a very young age, like 2! When my mom would put me in my playpen with my toys all day to tend to my five extremely rambunctious brothers! Lol

To the OP, not knowing your whole story or the dynamics of your relationship, if you don't feel you are getting the emotional support or reassurance you need, perhaps you are not compatible with your bf in this regard?

I doubt you can change him, he is going to have different moods (we all do), sometimes aloof, sometimes more attentive, I suppose the only thing you can do is either accept what he can and does give you, or look for someone else who is more emotionally supportive, the way you need?

It's hard, I understand, best of luck!

Pretzel, last weekend my bf and i had an "issue" wherein I did not feel he was being supportive (I created a thread about it) and I felt really angry and hurt!

I reacted, not in a healthy way, and in turn HE reacted to my reaction! I think when there is a close bond between people, their moods tend to bounce off each other. Sometimes that can be positive but unfortunately sometimes negative too.

So he left in a huff, and I was pissed off!

But while he was gone I was able to center myself (with the help of folks on this forum) and when he returned, I felt much better, much more centered, and apologized for my over-reaction (which it was) after which HE apologized for his reaction and we ended up having an awesome night and rest of the weekend together! :)

'I just need him to tell me nicely, that it's not personal. In my head, that isn't too much that I'm asking for. I don't why he can't just do it, calmly'.

Nope. It's not too much to be asking for, IMHO. I get it. All he has to do is gently and calmly say 'Pretzel..don't worry. I love you. All is cool'. Issue solved. Everyone's happy.

7 months is indeed to early for you to expect him to support you like a husband would. But, it really is that easy. A few reassuring words with a smile on his face and a quick kiss. I don't get why he can't do it either. This is exactly what my husband used to do at this stage in our relationship. One time, when we'd been together 6 or so months, his ex (who was desperate to get back together with him) sent him a CD of his/our favourite band by post. I was insanely jealous at the time, and I went nuts. And I mean, NUTS. Tears, accusations, histrionics, 'you are still seeing her behind my back' etc etc etc. He listened as I raged, tried to make me see sense..then grabbed the damn thing, broke it into small pieces and threw it in the rubbish bin. I literally just.. stopped. It was like someone's cut an abscess with a knife and all the gunk came out. I stopped and apologised. He accepted my apology and we went on to have a great night. That is what I mean.

 

I am trying to work out what my triggers are, and it's usually when he's overly aloof, or distant or irritable that sets me off, makes me start worrying. I take it personally, and I ask for reassurance, which must be very annoying for him. But i don't know how else to ease my anxiety when he is in a bad mood. I just need him to tell me nicely, that it's not personal. In my head, that isn't too much that I'm asking for. I don't why he can't just do it, calmly. .

My current bf of one year does something similar. I wouldn't say he's in a bad mood, but he does occasionally check out. Much like you, it would trigger me. I'd think he was distracted, I was in the way, his feelings had changed. And now with a few more opportunities to ride it out, I recognize that it's not about me. My bf is pretty exuberant, so when he goes dark the shift is pretty hard. I figure it's his way of recharging. Being full tilt most of the time has to be exhausting.

The first couple times I would point it out to him and attempt to talk to him about it. Looking back it was my way of seeking reassurance. Funny thing is he wasn't even aware he was doing it.

Your relationship is still pretty new. It sounds simpler than it is sometimes, but try to not make it about you and see if it helps.

We all have moods. I know I have mine. Try to not let it rattle you and just allow it to pass.

I leave people who are in a bad mood alone. Let them stew or process or relax or whatever. No need to start a relationship talk every time someone needs to be alone to de-stress. Just stay out of the line of fire rather than jump into it.

I leave people who are in a bad mood alone. Let them stew or process or relax or whatever. No need to start a relationship talk every time someone needs to be alone to de-stress. Just stay out of the line of fire rather than jump into it.

This. Having to explain it all the time would be exhausting to the party who is just having a bad day, or a fight with their boss, or their mom is being irritating, or the fool in front of them at Starbucks took 32 years to decide what they wanted.

OP, you need to trust that if your boyfriend is upset with you, he will tell you. At the moment you don't trust him to be honest about it; I think that's where the problem is and what is triggering you the most. My assumption is that he probably did try to soothe you when the relationship was in its earlier stages, but is now growing weary of it.

I think it's normal to want reassurance from our partners sometimes, of course. Especially if we sense we might have ticked them off or they're pulling away. A healthy sense of security is desirable, and ideally, both parties give and receive assurance. But if this is happening with some frequency and to the extent that it carries on into the wee hours of the morning, there's a problem. And if it's primarily one person freaking out and not being able to reasonably manage their emotions in the height of it without essentially demanding their partner fix it, there's a problem. And it sounds like that is the case here. That's not to say it's all your fault; maybe he is just not as expressive as you wish and not really the right guy for you. It is worth thinking about how compatible you two are, in terms of communication and the so-called love languages.

The important thing, OP, is to not constantly connect a bad or distant mood with a break-up. You are very afraid of abandonment, it seems, and don't have a healthy coping strategy to manage when your fear gets the best of you. You need to start looking for ways to self-soothe too.

where I am seeking reassurance, and he says 'can we just talk about this in the morning' but he doesn't say this in a empathetic way, he is quite harsh when he says it.

Because he is exhausted. its late at night and the last thing anyone needs is someone who wants to have a relationship talk. Anything that they say -- being tired and exhausted - could be terribly misconstrued and they do not want to be put in that position. I know - when i was 23 - that was me --- i would not get up the gumption to talk about something until 1 am. its not a good thing to do. Take a deep breath. Don't bring it up. ANd if its still deeply important to you after a good night's sleep, bring it up later.

Also, you came out of an AWFUL relationship before this guy that you insisted on hanging on to -- a man who disappeared, a man who pouted and had tantrums like a 2 year old when he wasn't getting his way, etc. So now you are bringing insecurity into a relationship that started out fine and seems to be with a more even-tempered man. Do you feed off drama and conflict and when there is none, you get insecure? it happens --- first step is recognizing it and second is catching yourself before you take it out on someone

I want to echo that unconditional love is something a parent feels for their infant.

Love in adult relationships that are nonfamililal like that are CONDITIONAL. If you break up with eachother and meet new people - then you stop loving eachother. you start loving someone else. Do not use "unconditional love" as emotional blackmail which you are totally doing if you have verbalized it. He should NOT love you unconditionally. He may have not been dating you long enough to know if he truly loves you on a deeper level than you do when dating someone for a couple of months and he probably doesn't and you don't either. when you become overattached so quickly you lose yourself.

'Love in adult relationships that are nonfamililal like that are CONDITIONAL. If you break up with eachother and meet new people - then you stop loving eachother. you start loving someone else'

Not in forever relationships Abitbroken. Mine is one of those. Therefore what we feel for each other is not conditional. It's 'no matter what, till death do us part'. This obviously excludes abuse, any kind of criminal behaviour and the like - these issues haven't EVER even remotely been present in our relationship. So yes, I'll love him till I die, unconditionally, and he me. And we're not naive youngsters either, at 48 and 51 and together 15 years next year.

'Love in adult relationships that are nonfamililal like that are CONDITIONAL. If you break up with eachother and meet new people - then you stop loving eachother. you start loving someone else'

 

Not in forever relationships Abitbroken. Mine is one of those. Therefore what we feel for each other is not conditional. It's 'no matter what, till death do us part'. This obviously excludes abuse, any kind of criminal behaviour and the like - these issues haven't EVER even remotely been present in our relationship. So yes, I'll love him till I die, unconditionally, and he me. And we're not naive youngsters either, at 48 and 51 and together 15 years next year.

I'm gonna think about this^ a bit more, but I am leaning towards believing this may be the definition of a true commitment.

Till death do us part, through thick and thin, no matter what (even cheating), you soldier through together and work it out.

I have read about cheating even resulting in a couple growing closer, after working through it. Getting to the root of why it happenrd and learning from it. Becoming stronger individually and as a couple.

You are fortunate Metal that you found a man who understands what true commitment means and is on your same wavelength.

I know for me, I grew up valuing commitment in the same way you and your husband do, but unfortunately never found a man who valued it the same way.

I got that from my mom who even after my dad walked out and divorced her, always felt married to him and never even dated another man till the day she died.

My parent's divorce and dad's behavior throughout their marriage really soured me against commitment (the true meaning as you've described) but am finding my way back to it now.

I think it's a beautiful mindset to have and wish more people valued it in the some way.

Relationships have become so disposable, one wrong move and you're out. I am guilty of that myself and still feel guilt about leaving my ex when things got ugly due to his drug addiction.

Anyway, thanks for sharing, I just learnrd something very valuable and important.

'Love in adult relationships that are nonfamililal like that are CONDITIONAL. If you break up with eachother and meet new people - then you stop loving eachother. you start loving someone else'

 

Not in forever relationships Abitbroken. Mine is one of those. Therefore what we feel for each other is not conditional. It's 'no matter what, till death do us part'. This obviously excludes abuse, any kind of criminal behaviour and the like - these issues haven't EVER even remotely been present in our relationship. So yes, I'll love him till I die, unconditionally, and he me. And we're not naive youngsters either, at 48 and 51 and together 15 years next year.

'Love in adult relationships that are nonfamililal like that are CONDITIONAL. If you break up with eachother and meet new people - then you stop loving eachother. you start loving someone else'

 

Not in forever relationships Abitbroken. Mine is one of those. Therefore what we feel for each other is not conditional. It's 'no matter what, till death do us part'. This obviously excludes abuse, any kind of criminal behaviour and the like - these issues haven't EVER even remotely been present in our relationship. So yes, I'll love him till I die, unconditionally, and he me. And we're not naive youngsters either, at 48 and 51 and together 15 years next year.

Til Death Do us Part are marriage vows. It is not something for the stuff of 3 month dating relationships. I was not speaking of marriage -- I was speaking to the OP's predicament and its very dangerous for her to apply "unconditional love" to her going out with this young man. She doesn't fully even know him yet at this point. he may be her future husband. He may be someone wildly incompatible for her to marry -- or he may get aggravated and leave himself. nobody knows yet.

Marriages should not be disposable and should not be entered into lightly to make that so --- but on the other hand -- i don't think we should look at 3 month dating relationships and casual friendships in the same light --- we should know that its totally okay to leave that sort of relationship if the other person is not compatible, there red flags, we don't want the same things or don't believe enough the same way or its not the right time --- its actually the wrong thing to teach young women that *all* relationships should be "through thick and thin" -- too many young people confuse the "thick and thin" of a parent dying, getting laid off with the "thick and thin" of deep incompatibilities, drugs, volatility, and danger. The first year or two should be a discernment period and not "unconditional love"

Thanks everyone for coming back with really interesting replies again. Miss Canuck was right that a lot of it is a lack of trust that he will tell me if something is wrong, so if he seems off I'd worry about that. I'm paranoid that he could keep it to myself. But why? I don't know.

But I also think there's something else to it. I take things very personally. Maybe that part is not only restricted to romantic relationships, perhaps I just notice it in romantic relationships more, due to amplified emotions. But it just hurts my feelings when anyone is cold or harsh or unkind to me. It's really hard for me to sit with, unless they specifically say "it's not you/don't take it personally/I've just had a rough day" and then I immediately feel reassured or safe that our relationship is in tact, and it also enables me to be a better supporter and listener when I can be told or reassured that it's not about me. I'm trying to do that naturally, without needing reassurance, and that's what part of working at this is about. But I think I am maybe just a very sensitive person.

Example: tonight I came home to crash at his place tonight (planned in advance and he gave me keys) since I offered my room to family who is visiting from abroad. He was more than welcoming of the idea and sounded like he was looking forward to me staying over even though we were both out with different commitments doing our own thing. He called me when he just got back, seeming eager to see me. When I arrived he'd totally passed out smelling of beer. I tried to get closer for a hug or greeting but he was in such deep sleep that he was barely articulating words, and just turned away and I whispered hey how are you? And he just grunted "hi. Ok" and carried on snoring. It seems very very unreasonable for me to be sulking over a person who is asleep. And yet for some reason, it got to me.