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Girlfriend vs. Travelling


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I’ve been with my girlfriend for over 3 years and it’s getting towards that point of marriage, kids, mortgage etc. I absolutely want this and see a bright and happy future together. However, before I settling down with her I want to do a career break and travel for a year around Australia and Asia. It’s something I’ve always wanted to do and it’s literally now or never. I was granted a 1-year working holiday visa for Australia just before I turned 31 last year and the deadline to use the visa is fast approaching. I love travelling together but I want to do a bit of solo travelling first, probably for a few months or so, then the idea is that my girlfriend joins me for the rest of the trip. I feel that travelling solo is a totally different experience to travelling as a couple and I want to experience a bit more of that before settling down.

 

The problem is that she doesn’t want to travel, she’s happy where she is and isn’t interested in it. We spoke about it when I applied for the visa and she was happy about the idea, now one year on she’s changed her mind. This has led to quite a lot of arguments in the past months and she says that I’m selfish for wanting to go to another country for potentially a whole year. As home and Australia are opposite sides of the globe, regular visits aren’t an option.

 

She says that if I go travelling she will end the relationship, but I know that if I don’t go I’ll absolutely regret it for the rest of my life. This is something I’ve thought about doing for the last decade – I know I should have done it in the past when I was single but I never had the money and was building up experience in a career. She says that if I loved her I wouldn’t even consider going to another country without her. I do love her and want to travel together but it’s her decision if she comes. I really don’t know what to do, I can’t think of a good compromise and she’s heavily trying to persuade me not to do it, or to at least postpone the trip for another year – which I can’t because of the visa! I could get a three month tourist visa but it’s not long enough time and I want to get a taste of working and living in another country.

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I think it’s an awesome opportunity and wouldn’t see why she would oppose if she is able to, granted she can get the time off work. She initial was okay with it. So I would explore why the change of mind. I would go because it’s a Once in a life time chance. She is the one being selfish because she knows how much this means to you .

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IMHO, go travel. You invited her and it was her choice to turn it down. I think traveling together would be a good test of the relationship, to see if you two can stand each other 24/7 in less than perfect conditions. I can totally understand - these gap years are easier to do sooner rather than later. I can understand if she does not want to travel with you for a long time because of her own work/family commitments, but that doesn't mean you should not go. IF it's a deal-breaker, so be it. Just my opinion, your mileage may vary.

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I agree, you should go travel while you can. Plus you can say to her all the thing she said to you, like you are selfish for wanting to travel. She's selfish for NOT wanting you to travel. If she loved you she would not be trying to stop you from traveling. If you take this trip she'll dump you. She's being very controlling.

 

If you were my boyfriend, I'd say go, even tho I'd miss you so much. I wouldnt threaten you in any way. If I could go with you, even for a short time, I'd do that. I see the value in travel, and it seems she does not.

 

If this is really a deal breaker for her, then so be it, it's her loss because she's trying to control your life.

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Well, I can see that she doesn't want an invisible boyfriend for a year. You can leave it at if you come back home in a year and she's still single, maybe you can get back together again. But you probably will meet a girl in Australia and who knows if you're going to come back? I don't blame her. On ENA we see that happening all the time. So if this is really your dream, go to Australia and don't look back.

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As a long term traveller myself, I think you should go. Because, once you are settled, there will be no opportunity to do so for a very long time.

 

There is also the point that she thinks you selfish for wanting to expand your life and horizons, but she in turn is being selfish to not let you have this opportunity. If, in fact, she cannot cope with you going away, then the best thing is to end the relationship, for now. It could be picked up at a later time, but then again, you may meet someone more open minded. You might even rethink the settled life.

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'She says that if I loved her I wouldn’t even consider going to another country without her.'

 

This won't be a popular opinion but I'm afraid I agree with your girlfriend. No matter how strong the travel lust.. you're risking loosing the person you're planning to spend the rest of your life with. I would never in a million years do this to my partner. If she can't or doesn't want to travel with you.. why not go together for a holiday, twice, three times a year, money and work leave permitting? Also, I don't quite see why 31 has to be this 'cut-off' age for marriage, mortgage, babies and all this. 31 is DEAD young. Why not spend the next couple of years exploring the world together? What would be wrong with BOTH getting a three-months' work visa this or next year? What's the rush?

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I'm surprised to be in the minority, but I'm also in the camp of siding with your girlfriend.

 

I don't get how SHE is being selfish in not wanting to suddenly give up her life and base that she's built for herself over the last few years, and getting up and spending an ENTIRE year travelling just because you want to? This is something that you should have told her you want to do at the beginning of the relationship, if it is really such a big deal to you (whatever is potentially MORE important than your relationship should be raised at the start, not after one or two years). It's important to be with someone who you share the same goals and hopes with.

 

"I know I should have done it in the past when I was single but I never had the money and was building up experience in a career." - so now your girlfriend gets the brunt of it because you couldn't make it work when you were younger?

 

I agree with the poster who said that you can just travel together taking chunks of time off work at a time, rather than taking off an entire year. Most people wouldn't be able to just quit their jobs like that. If my partner asked me to quit my job because he wants to backpack around Asia, I'd be mortified. I'm trying to build a career for myself and taking a time off for a whole YEAR just isn't in line with my goals. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE travelling, but RELOCATING is an entirely different thing.

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Unfortunately, you can't expect someone to wait around for a year while you sow your wild oats. It sounds like you are quite far and perhaps avoiding the whole " marriage, mortgage kids' thing.

 

She's smart to end it. So just go. Set both of yourselves free. Besides, you may or she may find someone with more compatibility in terms of goals, future, timelines, etc.

I’ve been with my girlfriend for over 3 years

 

and it’s getting towards that point of marriage, kids, mortgage etc.

 

before I settling down with her I want to do a career break and travel for a year around Australia and Asia.

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Go travel. If your girlfriend really loved you, she would never try to keep that experience from you. She seems fine being the reason why you'll be living with regret for the rest of your life.

 

Please go travel. You will not regret traveling, regardless of everything else. If you two intend to get married, then you have the rest of your lives to spend together. But this opportunity is one you will never have again. A year is not that long. Go see the world.

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Unpopular opinion here as well. I am all for traveling and if this is something you feel like you have to do, then do it.

 

But know that traveling for that amount of time will change you and change the dynamic of your relationship. Maybe better, maybe worse. I understand your girlfriend's concern. She's invested in this relationship, the way she knows it. The idea of this changing frightens her.

 

You will have to choose one or the other.

My son went through the same thing and chose to let his relationship go.

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She says that if I loved her I wouldn’t even consider going to another country without her.

 

If your girlfriend really loved you, she would never try to keep that experience from you.

 

Let go of the "if it's really love" idea. Don't make it about love when it's about compatibility. Love and connection do not guarantee compatibility. It doesn't make either of you wrong. And it doesn't make it easy or painless deciding what to do. It really could be that you two wonderful people are incompatible when it comes to sharing a life together.

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I don't consider ultimatums to be valid negotiating devices in personal relationships. The message is, I don't consider this a viable relationship unless you do what I want. Well, fine, she has a point, but then how viable is the relationship when one partner nurses resentment from that point forward?

 

So I'd look forward from where you are now and ask, How viable is this relationship if I skip the trip?

 

If the answer is not very, then what, exactly would you gain by skipping the trip?

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How old is she? It sounds like you would rather escape the "getting towards that point of marriage, kids, mortgage etc" and so decided now is the perfect time to put this enormous time and distance between you. She'll resent you if you go, you'll resent her if you don't, so it's a no win situation.

I’ve been with my girlfriend for over 3 years. I turned 31 last year
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Go travel! You will regret it later in life if you don't do it. But more importantly, why would you marry someone who does not support a passion of yours? She doesn't have to like traveling, but she also shouldn't stop you from doing something you love. I once left someone I loved dearly because he was content living the rest of his life in his hometown. There is too much of the world to see and enjoy. Goooooo.

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If you want marriage and kids and feel she is the one -- what about going to Australia for a couple of weeks and coming back - then going on another short trip and planning a trip with your girlfriend? honestly, if my guy said he wanted to travel the world for a whole year and when i met him he wasn't a travel type of guy (wasn't frequently travelling) i would think he was looking to sow some oats or was having a personal crisis. If you take some shorter trips -- a couple of weeks and then go again in a couple months -- you will see if traveling is all its cracked up to be while still maintaining your relationship. If you were 20 - i would say travel! But now you are contemplating marriage with this woman and i wouldn't through her away to travel for a whole year.

 

btw, how does one do that? Do you have a year's salary saved up? Are you unemployed when you come back??

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It's funny, my son has taken two big trips and is planning a third. His romantic partner helped him pack his suitcase, took him to the airport, kissed him goodbye and wished him a good trip, then welcomed him back when he returned.

 

But then, they have a healthy and supportive relationship.

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It's funny, my son has taken two big trips and is planning a third. His romantic partner helped him pack his suitcase, took him to the airport, kissed him goodbye and wished him a good trip, then welcomed him back when he returned.

 

But then, they have a healthy and supportive relationship.

 

Good point.

My son's relationship was pretty toxic to begin with.

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I’ve been with my girlfriend for over 3 years and it’s getting towards that point of marriage, kids, mortgage etc. I absolutely want this and see a bright and happy future together. However, before I settling down with her I want to do a career break and travel for a year around Australia and Asia. It’s something I’ve always wanted to do and it’s literally now or never. I was granted a 1-year working holiday visa for Australia just before I turned 31 last year and the deadline to use the visa is fast approaching. I love travelling together but I want to do a bit of solo travelling first, probably for a few months or so, then the idea is that my girlfriend joins me for the rest of the trip. I feel that travelling solo is a totally different experience to travelling as a couple and I want to experience a bit more of that before settling down.

 

The problem is that she doesn’t want to travel, she’s happy where she is and isn’t interested in it. We spoke about it when I applied for the visa and she was happy about the idea, now one year on she’s changed her mind. This has led to quite a lot of arguments in the past months and she says that I’m selfish for wanting to go to another country for potentially a whole year. As home and Australia are opposite sides of the globe, regular visits aren’t an option.

 

She says that if I go travelling she will end the relationship, but I know that if I don’t go I’ll absolutely regret it for the rest of my life. This is something I’ve thought about doing for the last decade – I know I should have done it in the past when I was single but I never had the money and was building up experience in a career. She says that if I loved her I wouldn’t even consider going to another country without her. I do love her and want to travel together but it’s her decision if she comes. I really don’t know what to do, I can’t think of a good compromise and she’s heavily trying to persuade me not to do it, or to at least postpone the trip for another year – which I can’t because of the visa! I could get a three month tourist visa but it’s not long enough time and I want to get a taste of working and living in another country.

 

Pack your bags and don’t look back. Your GF sounds selfish and manipulative, if she loved you she would support your decade long dream of travelling, even if it meant you would be separated for regular periods.

 

If you bow to her whims you will resent her and your boring family life, wishing you had gone off on your travels.

 

Maybe you will find a new partner on your travels who has similar dreams to yourself?

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I'm truly saddened by how many people here believe its okay to hold someone back like that. If you really loved someone, and they expressed a passion that they'd regret missing out on for the rest of their lives, I dont understand how you could live with yourself after taking that opportunity away from them. Journeynow, the idea of "if it's really love" DOES apply here. Love isn't jealous, love doesn't hinder you, its lifts you up and encourages you.

 

If a person would rather you give up your passion for them as opposed to supporting and encouraging your passion, they dont love you. They are selfish.

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I'm truly saddened by how many people here believe its okay to hold someone back like that. If you really loved someone, and they expressed a passion that they'd regret missing out on for the rest of their lives, I dont understand how you could live with yourself after taking that opportunity away from them. Journeynow, the idea of "if it's really love" DOES apply here. Love isn't jealous, love doesn't hinder you, its lifts you up and encourages you.

 

If a person would rather you give up your passion for them as opposed to supporting and encouraging your passion, they dont love you. They are selfish.

 

But if you are on the verge of making a commitment with this person -- how would you feel if the other person announced that they were going away for a WHOLE YEAR and not coming home. To me that implies that you want out of the relationship. Its one thing if he was going away for one month and coming home.

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Hello everyone. I am the hero of this post and can see that some important things are missed in it:

- I am Russian who just moved to the UK less that 2 years ago. Before that we had a distance relationships for over a year.

Originally my boyfriend promised to move to the place where I decided to study at the UK. Later he said you would join me in the second year when I got the job in his country. So him coming to London (where I've got the job!) after my 1st year at uni was kind of a reason why I was moving there. He promised but didn't moved out from his town again. In a few months he told me about Australia. He changed his passport without telling me (I guess cause he wouldn't get a visa with an old passport with expiration date in 2018), then applied and got a holiday working visa without telling me either. He was just asking me to give you more and more and more and more time to make a decision, deliberately avoided conversations about Australia and decided to tell me about it 24 hours before announcing it to his boss. I am a bit shocked. Being Russian is not that simple in the UK – you need to apply for Visa which cost a lot. The same for Australia. Let alone the fact that it’s very stressful to change a country every 2 years.

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Hello everyone. I am the hero of this post and can see that some important things are missed in it:

- I am Russian who just moved to the UK less that 2 years ago. Before that we had a distance relationships for over a year.

Originally my boyfriend promised to move to the place where I decided to study in the UK. Later he said you would join me in the second year when I got the job in his country. So him coming to London (where I've got the job!) after my 1st year at uni was kind of a reason why I was moving there. He promised but didn't moved out from his town again. In a few months he told me about Australia. He changed his passport without telling me (I guess cause he wouldn't get a visa with an old passport with expiration date in 2018), then applied and got a holiday working visa without telling me either. He was just asking me to give you more and more and more and more time to make a decision, deliberately avoided conversations about Australia and decided to tell me about it 24 hours before announcing it to his boss. I still am a bit shocked and deeply upset. Being Russian is not that simple in the UK – you need to apply for Visa which cost a lot and I also have some other limitations. The same for Australia. Let alone the fact that it’s very stressful to change a country every 2 years. P.S. I do love travelling and actully travel much more than my boyfriend. And of course i would be happy to see australia. Just a bit later.

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Journeynow, the idea of "if it's really love" DOES apply here. Love isn't jealous, love doesn't hinder you, its lifts you up and encourages you.

 

It's about what they EACH want, which is why I believe it is about incompatibility. If she doesn't want to be apart for a year, it's not up to her to make him conform, but for her to be willing to let the relationship go. Same for him, it's not for him to make her conform, but be willing to let her go. I don't think throwing the "if you really loved me" claim around helps anything.

 

If a person would rather you give up your passion for them as opposed to supporting and encouraging your passion, they dont love you. They are selfish.

 

I think you missed my point. I'm not saying anyone should give up their passion. But if one person's passion means the other person's unhappiness it is a sign they are incompatible. Not wrong. Just a mismatch. You can love someone you are a mismatch to. Love does not mean you have to stay together and try to make it work if you are unhappy doing so.

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You are making a decision between travelling and the relationship, as your title suggests. You absolutely cannot have it both ways.

 

Why the obsession with a year? Is she worth splitting it up into week or month long vacations? Will you regret breaking up with her for the rest of your life?

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