Why do I hate him so much?

I dated a boy for about a year.

He was so terrible to me, borderline emotionally abusive.

We had been hooking up (not dating) for about a month. He stopped talking to me and completely dissapeared. I was upset that he just stopped texting me so I moved on and hooked up with another guy who treated me. Nicely. Just to clarify: we were never dating, we had never been on a date or made out hookups ‘exclusive’

He found out when he came back into my life and used this against me as a punishment for months, he told me if I wanted to be his girlfriend, his parents hated me and I had to apologise. And I wasn’t never allowed to be upset because ‘I had broke his heart and drove him to attemp suicide.’... He was cruel, he ruined my self esteem. And was essentially a horrible boyfriend. When I left, he called me all the names under the sun despite the fact I worshiped the ground he walked on and said sorry for everything I did, I travelled miles to see him. And put up with all his abuse. Silly of me.

A few months after I left, he came back saying he was a changed person. He cried and cried and said what he did was awful. He Owned up to everything and became a great guy to date. He seems to have genuinely changed and I’ve taken him back. He takes me out now, and he tells me he loves me, he’s great.

However I just can’t stand him. I keep snapping at me, I keep getting irritable and just crying all the time and I don’t know why. He’s changed, he’s lovely, but it’s like the sight of Him sends me into rage. I keep being so horrible to him and I don’t know why, he’s doing everything right? But I’m just so so angry at him all the time. Why have I turned into this person? I can’t decide if it’s my depression playing up or the fact I subconsciously can’t forgive him. Advice please 😊

Because when you are with him you are reminded of your choices to treat yourself disrespectfully and dishonestly. He did not ruin your self esteem. You chose to interact with a person who didn't treat you appropriately. Most people need far more than a few months to change so dramatically. You do not trust him nor do you trust yourself so being around him is a reminder of all that. Nothing subconscious -it's common sense and surface. Whether it's your depression or something else what I would do if you ever want the chance to interact with him in a positive way in the future is walk away now and take space and when significant time has passed, when you are in therapy that works, when you have both grown and matured- I'm talking more like years not months -perhaps you can reconnect at that time in some way. But if you continue on this path you will burn bridges and it will be much harder to connect in the future.

Why did you allow him to treat you like this not once, but twice. Now, you have taken him back again a third time. You are an active participant.

This is about you and your lack of self worth. You have zero boundaries or self respect.

Dump him and get into counselling. Pronto! And, no one changes in a few months.

Hi Jess,

I’ve read articles about this and I think what’s happening is that for a very long time, when you were dating him prior, he treated you like utter crap, was abusive, etc. but for some reason you felt you had no voice, so put up with it.

Keeping your feelings bottled up, suppressed, even treating him well, being the best girlfriend you could be!

All the while suppressing your angry and hurt feelings (subconsciously). Perhaps to keep the peace, perhaps because you weren’t ready to face and deal with those emotions, who knows.

So now after he returns, he’s this great boyfriend! Loves you, treats you really well!

And as such, you now feel "safe." Which now allows for all those angry and hurt feelings you had been bottling up and suppressing for so long to rise up to the surface, resulting in your “hating” him.

Which you don’t really, you’re just angry. Really really angry, and hurt. Which are the emotions you should have felt when he was treating your poorly, but for some reason, again, you chose to suppress and not deal.

So you’re experiencing and dealing with them NOW.

This has happened to me too, so I understand it. I used to be a big suppresser of emotions.

At the time I just wasn't prepared to deal with any of it, so I "made nice" tried to be the BEST girlfriend convincing myself everything was great, when the reality was it wasn't, I was really angry, for a myriad of reasons.

It was only after we broke up and I had moved on when I started to feel really angry!

Strange phenomenon.

Fool me once shame on you

Fool me twice, shame on me.

First treat yourself well, as you expect others to treat you.

Second, you're only responsible for your welfare FIRST. Moving on is the best kindness to yourself.

Thirdly they'll all always blame you for all negative outcomes like you're their guardian saint. These people refuse to be accountable.

Finally, when in a hole, STOP DIGGING.

Do you have to see him at school or work? Try to avoid him and delete and block him from all social media and messaging. You shouldn't be anything to him..horrible, nice...anything. You should be completely avoiding him and only being polite if you have to see him at work or school. He played you and still is playing you.

the sight of Him sends me into rage. I keep being so horrible to him