I feel like I'm losing control

Hi Everyone,

I haven't posted for a while but have asked for advice previously about a guy that I had been messaging on WhatsApp (met on an app) for agesss. So we eventually met and have been spending quite a bit of time together. We have both been studying so have spare time to spend over the summer. It was probably the most amazing first date, I felt so connected to him and we communicated like I had envisaged through speaking online. As we have spent more time together things have moved along and he has invited me to meet his sister (she cooked us dinner) and It was so lovely. We always hate saying goodbye to eachother and message eachother saying how we can't wait to see eachother again. He's literally the opposite of an emotionally abusive ex I used to have, it shocks me how much he listens and how calm he is. I also love listening to his experiences and he tells me he's shared more with me than with anyone. I'm really enjoying his company. Aaanyway, I am just so paranoid or have a gut feeling about all this. It's really annoying. I have declined meeting up as much as he wants just because I do need to have time on my own and reflect on what is happening. I'm worried he will get annoyed and want someone who is "quicker" to just be in something with someone. He asked if we were together officially and I almost choked as it was just too soon for me. I feel like I've already ruined it all with all my anxiety. I've been having weekly therapy for 2 years and she advised me that I seem unable to accept that someone might just like me for me. I feel so strongly that I'm just not good enough for him and he deserves someone so much better than me. This gets too the point where I stalk his social media to see if he's liked his exes pics or not. I tell myself that if he has then that's a sign that I should break things off. I feel almost disappointed when he hasn't. I hated that he mentioned an ex from a couple of years that had some issues, I really turned it all over in my head. Sooo I'm wandering if these feelings are my gut telling me something is up or my paranoia??? It just seems to unreal to have met someone who I feel so at ease with and enjoy so much - the time just flies by so fast when we are together! He reads Game of Thrones to me before we go to sleep haha, I don't think I've ever had that much nurturing before. He wants to go away with me next week and I'm so scared I'm going to be such a let down. Should a guy mention his ex? And have exes on their social media etc? If it was the real deal I shouldn't be so worried right? I forgot to mention that he is 25 and I am 33. I'm so worried about the age gap too. Also, I was abused for years as a child and am still working through the impact of that. So I have thoughts around him deserving someone who's not as complex as me.

Sorry for long post! Very cathartic writing it, got a bit carried away. Any thoughts greatly appreciated. Thanks!

'I forgot to mention that he is 25 and I am 33'

Would you be just as paranoid if he was 41?

How long have you been dating?

Your rherapist sounds right.

Have you considered the fact that our flaws are often the same things that are our strengths? Fornbn sxample, my fluid time management is annoying; my ability to be flexible and responsive is fabulous.

Learn to think of your traits as skills, none good and none bad. We all are baskets of skills. Nobody's basket is full. That is why life is a journey

Accept yourself as you are. Practice that. The rest will fall into place.

Adding: whatever you missed as a child - a parents acceptance, say - that's a bummer, for sure. But that experience gave you skills too. Accept that you missed something back then, forgive the source, and realize that its okay. You filled in that hole by yourself, along the way, and learned some great skills while doing so.

You can do this.

'I forgot to mention that he is 25 and I am 33'

 

Would you be just as paranoid if he was 41?

 

How long have you been dating?

Yes, I think I would have similar worries if he was any age. It's scary for me to be in this situation with anyone. In this case, I am worried about being an older woman in his life with "baggage" and perhaps he is a man & too young to be able to cope so all this will be a waste of time.

We have been dating only for a month or so, but spoke online for a very long time. After a couple if weeks we spent weekends together.

It sounds like you are self conscious about the age as well as afraid of intimacy. Have you been intimate? Is that why he is asking about official and going away together? It's up to you if you worry about the age difference, he obviously seems ok with it.

He asked if we were together officially and I almost choked as it was just too soon for me. He wants to go away with me next week and I'm so scared I'm going to be such a let down. he is 25 and I am 33.

Your rherapist sounds right.

 

Have you considered the fact that our flaws are often the same things that are our strengths? Fornbn sxample, my fluid time management is annoying; my ability to be flexible and responsive is fabulous.

 

Learn to think of your traits as skills, none good and none bad. We all are baskets of skills. Nobody's basket is full. That is why life is a journey

 

Accept yourself as you are. Practice that. The rest will fall into place.

 

You can do this.

Thanks so much for this. It's something that needs practice I think. I'm beginning to see myself in other ways though, sometimes, on a bad day I can just blame such & such because it easier. Because I've had therapy for a while I am starting to feel pretty badass. It's just that I've tended to avoid relationships out of fear of being "too damaged". This relationship seems to just be happening & I feel like he's too amazing to run away from.

Sounds like you're subconsciously trying to sabotage the relationship. Is this the same guy you were chatting online with for a year but didn't want to meet? And now you're pushing him away by not meeting up with him as often as he'd like. And you're in therapy for depression and anxiety and you're letting those get the best of you?

I think you're trying to keep from getting hurt by trying to keep him at arm's length, but you're already involved, and it will hurt just the same if he breaks up with you now as if he breaks up with you later. So you have nothing to fear. Plunge into the real-life relationship and stop obsessing about being hurt and so forth. And keep your fears about not being good enough to yourself. That kind of passive-aggressive behavior scares people away. And the difference in ages is only an issue if you make it an issue.

Try to go with it. You haven't really described your boyfriend too much. Sounds like he's a bit nerdy. He waited a year of online chatting with you before you finally met him, so he has a big investment in you. He probably was lonely and now he has you. Maybe he's a bit needy. But give the relationship a chance and see what happens. It's just you don't want your insecurities to be the cause of any breakups. Stop overthinking and enjoy it. The more you put in, the more you'll get out of it.

It sounds like you are self conscious about the age as well as afraid of intimacy. Have you been intimate? Is that why he is asking about official and going away together? It's up to you if you worry about the age difference, he obviously seems ok with it.

Yes we have spent a few nights together now. There is alot of affection from him as well as intimacy. It kind of freaks me out! Up until now I've beem intimate with men and then not wanted to see them again. Maybe that's why he is asking, he just seems so chilled about doing all these "scary" things. He says the 9 years isn't a big deal to him and that moving forward would be about how he felt about someone rather than about their age

What "scary" things?

he just seems so chilled about doing all these "scary" things.

What "scary" things?

Like meeting family. Going away together. That kinda thing.

Take your time. These are normal events in the development of relationships. As long as you build a moat around yourself and get stuck in analysis-paralysis, you'll perpetuate self fulfilling prophecies of unhappiness. Take a vacation from the therapist's couch and go out and live life for a week. Life doesn't happen in a therapist's office.

Like meeting family. Going away together.

I know we can be our worst critic. Just know that you are a great person and worthy of a good healthy relationship. He likes you for who you are. No one is perfect and we all have flaws. Take care and enjoy being who you are!

Why are you dating?

Please heal. Please.

Jessica

 

This is why it's often advised to heal before beginning to date again. You admittedly and quite clearly have some trust and insecurity issues you are working on with a therapist which is amazing! Dating is just going to hinder that. Your habits like checking instagram and comparing yourself to other women can't be broken if you do it while you're healing.

 

I can. Understand wanting to heal vs wanting to meet someone, but the unfortunate truth is healing comes first, not concurrently.

 

Best of luck on your journey

Just going to quote myself from 2 months ago with a different guy. This is going to keep happening until you heal Jessica. You cannot have a healthy relationship right now. Period. Your anxiety will chase healthy men away and attract abusers, cheats and liars.

Heal.

Just going to quote myself from 2 months ago with a different guy. This is going to keep happening until you heal Jessica. You cannot have a healthy relationship right now. Period. Your anxiety will chase healthy men away and attract abusers, cheats and liars.

 

Heal.

I don't know. I'm not in the 'heal before you date' camp. I do not believe - based on my own life experience - that everyone in the world who is in a happy loving relationship is this 'issue-free' super confident all-healed all-therapied-out individual with a near-perfect life. I don't know the OP's story but I am a firm believer in the notion of it all sliding into place when one meets one's perfect match, regardless of one's issues - within reason.

OP, what worries me here is your age difference. 25 and 33? 34? ( you said 9 years?) is a big gap; you're in completely different stages of life with this bloke. He's a youngster looking to discover life and have adventures along the way, you're at that tricky age where you're thinking, I need to settle down, put down roots, call it what you like. Again, in my own experience, this kind of a relationship has an expiry date of a few months. I had two of those in succession (I know, I know - definition of insanity and all that) - 22 - 30 and 19 - 32. Oh the passion, the fireworks, the infatuation and the lust. For about 3-4 months. Then, the reality sets in and the young boy thinks to himself: well.. I've done that, been with an older chick, was fun whilst it lasted, ticked that off the list..what next?

Ultimately only time can tell. Everyone is different; what hasn't worked for me may work for someone else. I don't know, maybe he is an exceptionally mature 25 y old, and you are a very young at heart 34. All you can do now is let things develop naturally, let things flow but try and keep in mind that most May -December romances of this kind don't last. I wish you all the best.

You have some control, and you need to stop behaviors that cause this anxiety, like going through his social media to see if he "likes" exes posts (why does he have exes on his social media?) or pretty girls' posts, and you need to stop this negative thinking, you're not good enough or he's going to leave at any moment. It might do you some good to focus on the great parts of your relationship and his actions towards you, rather than some underlying desire to bolt. The second that negative thought pops in your head, replace it with something positive. If someone is genuinely interested, they accept your flaws (within reason). The age gap with such a younger man does make me a little nervous. He's at a completely different stage in life, but that doesn't mean things won't work out. There are no guarantees no matter what the ages. If he has to constantly placate you and lift you up and assure you his devotion with your anxieties and negative thinking and that he's going to leave...that gets old and tiresome, and he could leave, so I think that you can work on a couple things you can control, one thing being to stop stalking around his social media looking for any hints of impropriety. You're working yourself up into a frenzy with this one act alone.

I don't know. I'm not in the 'heal before you date' camp. I do not believe - based on my own life experience - that everyone in the world who is in a happy loving relationship is this 'issue-free' super confident all-healed all-therapied-out individual with a near-perfect life. I don't know the OP's story but I am a firm believer in the notion of it all sliding into place when one meets one's perfect match, regardless of one's issues - within reason.

 

OP, what worries me here is your age difference. 25 and 33? 34? ( you said 9 years?) is a big gap; you're in completely different stages of life with this bloke. He's a youngster looking to discover life and have adventures along the way, you're at that tricky age where you're thinking, I need to settle down, put down roots, call it what you like. Again, in my own experience, this kind of a relationship has an expiry date of a few months. I had two of those in succession (I know, I know - definition of insanity and all that) - 22 - 30 and 19 - 32. Oh the passion, the fireworks, the infatuation and the lust. For about 3-4 months. Then, the reality sets in and the young boy thinks to himself: well.. I've done that, been with an older chick, was fun whilst it lasted, ticked that off the list..what next?

 

Ultimately only time can tell. Everyone is different; what hasn't worked for me may work for someone else. I don't know, maybe he is an exceptionally mature 25 y old, and you are a very young at heart 34. All you can do now is let things develop naturally, let things flow but try and keep in mind that most May -December romances of this kind don't last. I wish you all the best.

Healing doesn't mean you're perfect. Healing means you aren't an anxious wreck, over analyzing every thing and ruining things before they even get off the ground every time you go on a date. Healing means you don't go into a relationship hoping someone else can fix you. Healing means if your next relationship fails you are able to cope because the pain of feeling incomplete isn't compounded by another breakup. Healing means you don't latch onto the first thing that look s in your direction because you can't handle being alone. Healing means you don't selfishly pull someone else into your emotional crap.

Being social requires social skills. Dating is a subset of being social. Sometimes, we need to learn by doing. Sometimes, we need to learn before doing.

If we date while in the learn-by-doing phase, we almost certainly will create mini-relationships that come to an end. It feels better if we identify skills we can learn and practice in the course of coupling and decoupling. Deem the whole adventure a success if it is conducted in a manner that reflects respect for yourself and the other person.

If the anxiety is strong enough that you use it as an excuse to impose your needs on someone else, than your goal is to learn how to think differently, so that the anxiety becomes less.

Sometimes it helps to see that it would be okay if a relationship failed. Knowing that would be okay if a relationship ended makes it easier to keep a relationship going.

'Healing doesn't mean you're perfect. Healing means you aren't an anxious wreck, over analyzing every thing and ruining things before they even get off the ground every time you go on a date. Healing means you don't go into a relationship hoping someone else can fix you. Healing means if your next relationship fails you are able to cope because the pain of feeling incomplete isn't compounded by another breakup. Healing means you don't latch onto the first thing that look s in your direction because you can't handle being alone. Healing means you don't selfishly pull someone else into your emotional crap.'

I don't necessarily disagree. Heal if you must. I'd keep the 'YOLO' in mind though. You can spend a year healing. Or you can go meet that bloke your friend's so sure you'd totally like and suddenly match on all fronts and three months later think: thank god I didn't waste a year healing.

I was as 'unhealed' as they come when I met my husband. So was he. We healed EACH OTHER. We've now been together for 14 plus happy years. We're one, together till death do us part and adore each other more with each day, even when it's not all sunshine and roses. Healing doesn't get better than this.

You're a definite exception to the rule metal.

I also agree with FCA, you have to learn by doing.

How do you learn by doing if by 3 dates you're obsessively checking a guys social media and creating scenarios in your head?

That's not healthy enough to test the waters, that's too risky to meet your friends, friend because now that friends,'friend is going to write you off as crazy cause you clung to him like a vice after he said he liked you.

You wait so you have your best chance.

You can start this trend of dating while healing, they do it everyday on the healing after breakup forum. Let's see, there's the dude engaged to his first ex while still pinning over his other ex, yeah nothing bads going to happen there. There's the woman who is dating, but cant get past the first date because she keeps comparing them to her ex. I'd love to be in that situation. Fun!

Also, as someone who's currently dating, guess what? I don't want to be someone's guinea pig. I'm not here to be someone's therapist. I don't want to fix someone. Most healthy people don't. Broken seeks broken, it apparently worked for you, but holy crap are you not the norm.

The woman turns into a stalker with every man she meets, you think MORE dating will fix that? Your opinion and you're entitled to it. I just disagree. Lucky for you I doubt she will stop so just like before 2-3 months from now she will be back, because she can't stop obsessing over the next guys social media, so it'll be another guy that really could have hit it off with her if she had her anxiety under control.

Broken seeks broken, abusers seek broken, cheaters seek broken, swindlers seek broken, users seek broken.

'Broken seeks broken'

True. Agree. I was broken, and so was he. Together, broken became happy. I know many couples like us.

As far as abusers, cheaters, swindlers or users... all I can say to this is, I was broken but I wasn't stupid.....