Awkwardness with Colleague

I had no idea which forum to put this in as I don’t feel it fits in any.

I recently started talking more to some particular colleagues at work after I sent an open invite to many on our floor to go hiking. We went on a group hike, really had an awesome time and have been exchanging messages about our various ideas for future plans and good places to go hiking, pics we took on our hike, recommendations for new hikes etc.

I noticed with one particular colleague a degree of awkwardness (not animosity) that is making me feel a little uncomfortable. I’m the type that is confident and natural around those who are confident with me and really awkward and uncomfortable if I feel someone is awkward or nervous etc. Then I tend to get defensive and probably make things worse.

We have been on a work trip together before and I never noticed anything awkward then, he seems to be a very outgoing and sociable person so it seems a bit odd. At one point he seemed really nervous when talking to me, almost like he was attracted to me. I think some attraction is there for me toward him but tbh I never really noticed him in that way before.

Anyway I’m babbling because I find this embarrassing to talk about. My point is, how do I navigate this awkwardness? I really loved our group outing and would like to arrange another one in future but would like to feel less self conscious if that happens. Any advise on how to feel more relaxed around people who don’t appear to be relaxed themselves? I tend to clam up and make a of myself.

Thanks

You're going to have a different dynamic with each person you encounter in life. There are some people you just can't feel comfortable around, and that's reality. If it's due to the fact you each have a little crush on each other, since I don't recommend dating co-workers, I'd advise not to have intimate one-on-one talks with him. Most new relationships fizzle out, so you'd have the awkward task of seeing an ex every day at work. Just realizing it's normal to not feel a total comfort level with every person at work might relax you.

You're going to have a different dynamic with each person you encounter in life. There are some people you just can't feel comfortable around, and that's reality. If it's due to the fact you each have a little crush on each other, since I don't recommend dating co-workers, I'd advise not to have intimate one-on-one talks with him. Most new relationships fizzle out, so you'd have the awkward task of seeing an ex every day at work. Just realizing it's normal to not feel a total comfort level with every person at work might relax you.

I have a don’t poop where you eat policy and am actively avoiding dating so yes I will avoid any one to one intimate chats. We generally just chat about hiking and share pics, like I do with other colleagues.

I definitely agree that I have a different dynamic with most people but I just assumed that any awkwardness would dissipate (generally not with this person in particular).

What bothers me is that I never noticed any awkwardness at all initially (in a year of working) so I would much prefer that kind of dynamic if we are to go out regularly as a group. The weirdness only became apparent in the last fortnight. Maybe if the crush fades then so will the discomfort?

It sounds like you have a crush on him. Is that where the awkwardness comes from? Would you like to be more than coworkers enjoying a group outing?

I think some attraction is there for me toward him but tbh I never really noticed him in that way before.

It sounds like you have a crush on him. Is that where the awkwardness comes from? Would you like to be more than coworkers enjoying a group outing?

To be honest IÂ’m not sure whatÂ’s going on and IÂ’m finding it a little unsettling. My crushes tend to be the extremely intense, overwhelming, canÂ’t think of anything else type. Not experiencing that.

I havenÂ’t previously paid enough attention to him to know if IÂ’d like to be more, even though I think weÂ’ve spoken plenty of times and even had a work trip (just the day with another colleague) together. He wasnÂ’t even on my radar until the last fortnight when IÂ’ve started to be more aware of his presence if that makes sense.

The awkwardness only started (or at least I only noticed it) when I approached him to get his contact number for our group hike and he responded in a flustered manner and appeared nervous/stuttery. I interpreted that as perhaps he had a thing for me which in turn made me awkward.

I think it’s likely to be a combination of things, I have been feeling old and unattractive lately and I feel like I might FINALLY!!! be coming out of a very jaded phase of actively avoiding dating like the plague (apart from a very short toe dipping exercise). Maybe I’m just starting to remember that men exist in a capacity beyond friendship and his “attention” happened to coincide with that point.

Either way I would quite like not to ruin a chance of having regular good times with colleagues by weird and awkward. IÂ’m planning a camping trip with a female colleague and very much looking forward to that 😇

Do you think that maybe you are over reacting and blowing this out of proportion? Creating an awkwardness where none exists. I don't mean this in an offensive way, but you might want to get out of your own head a bit in this case because your people pleazer persona is working over time here. People will react how they wish. It's not always a problem that they don't act/react how you expect them to. Try not to be so hyper sensitive and touchy about every little thing.

For example, I can think of a few reasons why someone would get flustered when asked for their number such as they were distracted at the moment, mind on something else, maybe he has a jealous gf, maybe he doesn't want to get too close to coworkers or too friendly, etc, etc, etc, etc, etc.......

Do you think that maybe you are over reacting and blowing this out of proportion? Creating an awkwardness where none exists. I don't mean this in an offensive way, but you might want to get out of your own head a bit in this case because your people pleazer persona is working over time here. People will react how they wish. It's not always a problem that they don't act/react how you expect them to. Try not to be so hyper sensitive and touchy about every little thing.

 

For example, I can think of a few reasons why someone would get flustered when asked for their number such as they were distracted at the moment, mind on something else, maybe he has a jealous gf, maybe he doesn't want to get too close to coworkers or too friendly, etc, etc, etc, etc, etc.......

Overanalysing certainly, but that’s how I tend to respond to my own behaviour when it perplexes me.

People pleaser behaviour? I think not. I have no idea where you got that from. I wouldn’t say I’m hypersensitive either, since I didn’t pay much attention to his behaviour at all until recently and yes I’m very aware there are numerous reasons why he may have appeared nervous.

All I know is we have interacted regularly for a year with no weirdness and now there appears to be a weirdness and I don’t know what has caused it or how to stop being awkward myself.

Tbh I think the weirdness itself isn’t the problem. It’s the why. Why do I feel so awkward around this person all of a sudden? A deficit in myself I need to work on? That’s what I’m feeling at the moment. Just working through things I suppose.

You are feeling better and feelings are awaking?

Why do I feel so awkward around this person all of a sudden?

Overanalysing certainly, but that’s how I tend to respond to my own behaviour when it perplexes me.

 

People pleaser behaviour? I think not. I have no idea where you got that from. I wouldn’t say I’m hypersensitive either, since I didn’t pay much attention to his behaviour at all until recently and yes I’m very aware there are numerous reasons why he may have appeared nervous.

 

All I know is we have interacted regularly for a year with no weirdness and now there appears to be a weirdness and I don’t know what has caused it or how to stop being awkward myself.

 

Tbh I think the weirdness itself isn’t the problem. It’s the why. Why do I feel so awkward around this person all of a sudden? A deficit in myself I need to work on? That’s what I’m feeling at the moment. Just working through things I suppose.

Well then maybe you are finally waking up from your slumber and becoming interested in relationships again. I wouldn't call that a deficit or something you need to work on. More just maybe don't dwell on this situation because he is a co-worker. Just maybe it's time to dip a toe in the dating pool.

You are feeling better and feelings are awaking?

I feel it’s not so black and white but the thought of going on a date with him or someone similar doesn’t seem such a chore as it would have say a month ago. Also when chatting to him I find myself scanning for things about him that I find attractive. I can’t remember the last time I did that. It was like a mental block. All interactions with others were compartmentalised as strictly due to necessity or on a friendly basis. I physically couldn’t bring myself to be attracted to anyone. I’d feel physically ill at the thought of dating.

Well then maybe you are finally waking up from your slumber and becoming interested in relationships again. I wouldn't call that a deficit or something you need to work on. More just maybe don't dwell on this situation because he is a co-worker. Just maybe it's time to dip a toe in the dating pool.

Yes I think that’s part of it. I don’t think I’m ready for dating yet. I tried recently and just couldn’t find the enthusiasm for it.

What concerns me is I feel my awkwardness and discomfort is coming from a feeling of inadequacy and unnatractiveness when I’m around him, even though I suspect he may be attracted to me I’m finding myself thinking ugh why? What would he possibly like in me. Quite sad really.

It’s something I need to address before getting involved with anyone romantically. I have worked very hard to improve my self esteem so that when I did inevitably come round to the idea of dating again, I would make better choices and not accept poor treatment. It seems that point is dawning but I am not at the point I wish to be with my confidence.

He seems to be a lot better person than all my exes so at least I’m natureally drawn to more decent guys (it seems so far). Bring on the reliable gentlemen 👍🏻

Yes I think that’s part of it. I don’t think I’m ready for dating yet. I tried recently and just couldn’t find the enthusiasm for it.

 

What concerns me is I feel my awkwardness and discomfort is coming from a feeling of inadequacy and unnatractiveness when I’m around him, even though I suspect he may be attracted to me I’m finding myself thinking ugh why? What would he possibly like in me. Quite sad really.

 

It’s something I need to address before getting involved with anyone romantically. I have worked very hard to improve my self esteem so that when I did inevitably come round to the idea of dating again, I would make better choices and not accept poor treatment. It seems that point is dawning but I am not at the point I wish to be with my confidence.

 

He seems to be a lot better person than all my exes so at least I’m natureally drawn to more decent guys (it seems so far). Bring on the reliable gentlemen 👍🏻

So this is interesting.... The thing is that you don't actually know him, you don't know if he is a decent guy at all, you only know him in a very limited way as a co-worker and even that, only the work persona he presents.....soooo....you are making a lot of assumptions here both about him and yourself..... Food for thought and maybe what you need to work on. Making judgments and assumptions about people when you don't have sufficient information. Maybe learn how to withhold on that and reserve judgment for much much longer. Jumping to conclusions too fast is very common, but it can get you in a lot of trouble and you already have experience with that.

The trouble with making premature determinations about people is that we all get attached to that and it's very very difficult to shift yourself out of that position no matter how much evidence to the contrary is being presented to you later on. Mind you, I'm not saying that you are wrong in thinking he is a decent guy, only that you might not know him enough to judge accurately quite yet.

That's your answer! Even though you may not end up dating him in particular, it's a good sign that normal feelings are awakening. Go with it 👍

when chatting to him I find myself scanning for things about him that I find attractive.

So this is interesting.... The thing is that you don't actually know him, you don't know if he is a decent guy at all, you only know him in a very limited way as a co-worker and even that, only the work persona he presents.....soooo....you are making a lot of assumptions here both about him and yourself..... Food for thought and maybe what you need to work on. Making judgments and assumptions about people when you don't have sufficient information. Maybe learn how to withhold on that and reserve judgment for much much longer. Jumping to conclusions too fast is very common, but it can get you in a lot of trouble and you already have experience with that.

 

The trouble with making premature determinations about people is that we all get attached to that and it's very very difficult to shift yourself out of that position no matter how much evidence to the contrary is being presented to you later on. Mind you, I'm not saying that you are wrong in thinking he is a decent guy, only that you might not know him enough to judge accurately quite yet.

Yes absolutely, premature determinations, as you phrase it has caused me no end of problems and I’m actively working towards making more measured assessments of people’s character, and not deciding a person I am yet to meet is the one based on 2 months online interaction.

I do think it’s important to distinguish that I haven’t assumed he is decent overall, merely that on initial inspection he is more decent than my exes with their varying presentations of glaring red flags that I didn’t recognise at the time. I feel that it’s a step in the right direction as I used to be attracted to the worst kind of people. I’ve been trying to condition myself out of that kind of attraction to A-holes and drama and I’m taking this as evidence that the conditioning is working (at least superficially).

Thanks for helping me figure out what was going on, I’m feeling a lot differently today at work. Like I could happily chat away with aforementioned colleague because the awkwardness is down to insecurities I need to address within myself so my focus today is more on reminding myself of my own value, rather than how to avoid said colleague picking up on all my flaws.

That's your answer! Even though you may not end up dating him in particular, it's a good sign that normal feelings are awakening. Go with it 👍

Thanks, I’m still avoiding dating but feeling a lot more optimistic today and like I have a plan to deal with why I’m feeling awkward.

I think it’s a mistake to have a rule against dating coworkers. If you don’t work directly with the person and there’s no supervision on either side I think it’s great to meet at work. And yes as you know I met my husband that way . So glad I didn’t have that rule! As far as this guy it’s on you. It’s your problem. You’re not letting him be himself in a work environment. If you feel odd and find yourself over analyzing it’s on you to keep your dim distance and interact in s professional polite way. If he were harassing you I’d have a different opinion but you’re basically picking him apart and making a big deal of how your outside work interactions seem a little odd. I think you have to train your self to choose to react in a different way. Self- talk to the effect that it’s no big deal and that it’s not your business if he’s insecure or awkward and that it’s unfair to treat him in any way except polite and professional.

I think it’s a mistake to have a rule against dating coworkers. If you don’t work directly with the person and there’s no supervision on either side I think it’s great to meet at work. And yes as you know I met my husband that way . So glad I didn’t have that rule! As far as this guy it’s on you. It’s your problem. You’re not letting him be himself in a work environment. If you feel odd and find yourself over analyzing it’s on you to keep your dim distance and interact in s professional polite way. If he were harassing you I’d have a different opinion but you’re basically picking him apart and making a big deal of how your outside work interactions seem a little odd. I think you have to train your self to choose to react in a different way. Self- talk to the effect that it’s no big deal and that it’s not your business if he’s insecure or awkward and that it’s unfair to treat him in any way except polite and professional.

Our desks are not far apart, we’re within ear and eyeshot of each other, the stairs are directly next to my desk so I’m frequently aware of his presence now that my attention has been drawn to it. For those reasons I would rather not even entertain the idea. It’s not like I could just avoid him if things headed south because he’s on another floor/department/office etc.

What gives you the impression I’m not letting him be himself? I’m trying to treat him the same as I did before and the same as I treat other co-workers and that seems to have helped. I’m definitely feeling more happy and relaxed around him now and not feeling so self conscious.

Our desks are not far apart, we’re within ear and eyeshot of each other, the stairs are directly next to my desk so I’m frequently aware of his presence now that my attention has been drawn to it. For those reasons I would rather not even entertain the idea. It’s not like I could just avoid him if things headed south because he’s on another floor/department/office etc.

 

What gives you the impression I’m not letting him be himself? I’m trying to treat him the same as I did before and the same as I treat other co-workers and that seems to have helped. I’m definitely feeling more happy and relaxed around him now and not feeling so self conscious.

I was referring to the awkwardness and discomfort you say you feel plus that you scan him for things you find attractive -just be careful that that kind of intensity and focus doesn't come across in the interactions.

I was referring to the awkwardness and discomfort you say you feel plus that you scan him for things you find attractive -just be careful that that kind of intensity and focus doesn't come across in the interactions.

Ah, I get it. I wasn’t scanning intensely, more noticing things I liked as we were interacting, not looking longingly into his big blue eyes or staring at his junk 🤣 that would definitely make things far more awkward.

It’s possible my being awkward might also cause him to be uncomfortable and awkward as that certainly can be the case for me. It’s a viscious cycle. Just have to move my focus outward to relax in that case?

Ah, I get it. I wasn’t scanning intensely, more noticing things I liked as we were interacting, not looking longingly into his big blue eyes or staring at his junk 🤣 that would definitely make things far more awkward.

 

It’s possible my being awkward might also cause him to be uncomfortable and awkward as that certainly can be the case for me. It’s a viscious cycle. Just have to move my focus outward to relax in that case?

Yes, that is what I meant.