Girl I’m dating cheated on ex boyfriend- should I continue dating?

Hi everyone.

I met this girl at my last job and we hit it off straight away but she had a long term boyfriend of 5 years so nothing every happened.

Fast forward a few months later and were both in new jobs and she’s single so we went out on a date.

We’ve now being out a few times and met each other’s parents but haven’t slept together yet.

My concern is that she told me that when she was traveling around Europe in 2017 she cheated on her now ex boyfriend by sleeping with four other guys across 4 months.

There relationship wasn’t great and he was ignoring her a lot whilst she was traveling. It just really shook me because she doesn’t give off that impression that she’s like that. She seemed to regret it and I’m the only person she has ever told.

My question is should I stop dating her because of this is the phrase “once a cheater always a cheater” accurate or is the fact she hasn’t hid this from me a good sign that she regrets doing it and whilst wrong it was just down to a failed relationship they couldn’t let go off.

Thanks for your help!

No, I don't always subscribe to the notion of "once a cheater, always a cheater." People sometimes do learn from their bad decisions, and sometimes are truly capable of changing.

My concern here is that this is not-so-distant past, so I would be wondering how much she has learned and what she would do differently in the future. How would she handle the same issues now? What did she learn about herself from that, and where are her boundaries today?

You say you two hit it off when you met but she was still with him then, so I am wondering what that means, exactly. Did you communicate privately and hang out then, or was it just a friendly working relationship?

Hi,

It was a completely friendly working relationship with a little bit of flirting I guess but she always would mention her boyfriend so I didn’t get any ideas.

I think her telling me when she didn’t have to (I would have never found out) means she doesn’t want to hide anything from me and clearly likes me enough to not lie. You could also tell that she regretted it.

Do you think it is wise to ask her two things that are bothering me...

1) If it was four one night stands or multiple times?

2) How come she didn’t split up with him after the first time she slept with someone and then just enjoyed it and why did she stay with him for like another year and a half after she got back knowing she’d cheated?

Hey, she was on vacation and probably her relationship with her ex wasn't that great. Girls tend to treat when their relationships are emotionally unfulfilling. If you keep her happy and she loves you, she won't cheat.

But you're the ultimate judge. Does she seem to be falling for you? Is she affectionate? Does it look like she's ready to be intimate with you? You have to decide if you want to continue the relationship.

Do you think it is wise to ask her two things that are bothering me...

 

1) If it was four one night stands or multiple times?

 

2) How come she didn’t split up with him after the first time she slept with someone and then just enjoyed it and why did she stay with him for like another year and a half after she got back knowing she’d cheated?

I don't think the answer to the first question will make much difference, really.

However, I would absolutely ask her the second question. I didn't realize she'd continued on with her boyfriend so long after cheating, so yes, I would be troubled by that too.

When did she and the boyfriend break up, exactly? Do you know what happened there?

I think her telling me when she didn’t have to (I would have never found out) means she doesn’t want to hide anything from me and clearly likes me enough to not lie. You could also tell that she regretted it.

Girls do that to build trust. I think she was wrong to do it because it can drive a guy crazy to know she's the type of girl who sleeps with strangers. I guess she's young.

Do you think it is wise to ask her two things that are bothering me...

 

1) If it was four one night stands or multiple times?

 

2) How come she didn’t split up with him after the first time she slept with someone and then just enjoyed it and why did she stay with him for like another year and a half after she got back knowing she’d cheated?

DO NOT ASK HER ABOUT THE SEX!

Just forget all about what she said even if you can't forget it. Look at this as a clean slate. We get many posts from people who start obsessing about who their girlfriends/boyfriends slept with, and how many people they slept with, etc, and it drives them nuts. Stop her from telling you any more and just tell her, you're with me now. It doesn't matter. Don't ruin things, and certainly don't brag about how many girls you've slept with either. It sounds like you're already a bit jealous.

They broke up in June so not that long ago and we’ve being on quite a few dates but nothing has happened sexually and she’s made it clear she wants to go slow so that I don’t think I’m a rebound.

They were together for 5 years from age 19 and she wanted to move in together but he didn’t want to. He wanted to hang about with his mates and go boozing more by the sound of it.

She was upset a few times at work so it wasn’t a happy last year and a half but I’m trying to get my head around how someone can cheat 4 times and then pretend like it never happened to there partner.

If her ex was indifferent to her, was more interested in going out drinking with his mates and had no intention of deepening their relationship, he probably wasn't sensitive enough to notice that all was not well with her. Possibly someone more attuned would have spotted it right away - who knows?

It sounds more as though she was looking for validation and affection while she was travelling - something she clearly wasn't getting from her ex. Sometimes it's possible to check out emotionally from a relationship yet not be ready to end it yet, and that's how I'd interpret her actions.

Just enjoy your new relationship. She cheated on her ex, but that doesn't mean AT ALL that she's going to cheat on you. In fact her desire to take things slowly rather than having a one night stand suggests that she's serious, and sees a future with you.

They broke up in June so not that long ago and we’ve being on quite a few dates but nothing has happened sexually and she’s made it clear she wants to go slow so that I don’t think I’m a rebound.

 

They were together for 5 years from age 19 and she wanted to move in together but he didn’t want to. He wanted to hang about with his mates and go boozing more by the sound of it.

 

She was upset a few times at work so it wasn’t a happy last year and a half but I’m trying to get my head around how someone can cheat 4 times and then pretend like it never happened to there partner.

I don't think it's unreasonable to ask her that.

Her past doesn't necessarily mean she would cheat on you, as I've indicated previously. But she is evidently quite capable of compartmentalizing, up until very recently, so I think I would talk to her about it. See what she says. It makes sense that you'd like to know more about that before getting serious.

Any idea why she would volunteer this info?

she told me that when she was traveling around Europe in 2017 she cheated on her now ex boyfriend by sleeping with four other guys across 4 months.

Cheating 4 times is not a mistake. I wouldn't go there if i were you.

Also 5 years and it's only been two months since the break up. It's way too soon for her to date. You're going to be messed around.

Girl I’m dating cheated on ex boyfriend- should I continue dating?

I would not continue seeing this person. Not only was she disloyal to someone who believed that she loved him, she's stupid enough to volunteer that information.

Wul? Isn't that like forewarning you, and if you accept this and roll with it, you're expressing that you'd find it forgivable when she does it to you?

 

Hey, she was on vacation and probably her relationship with her ex wasn't that great. Girls tend to treat when their relationships are emotionally unfulfilling.

 

If you keep her happy and she loves you, she won't cheat.

 

That's a lot of pressure to put on a guy, any guy -- always keeping her *happy.*

Even in the best of relationships, we aren't always happy. That's a tall task to ask of any relationship, any person, and not realistic, in my opinion.

We disappoint sometimes, inadvertently hurt each other. Especially in a long term relationship.

What her cheating suggests is that when times get tough, she doesn't get the "validation" she needs (which is subjective), she is going to find it with another man, or men.

Cheating goes to one's character. Sorry, but her character sucks. And I don't think you can change your character. I mean, I suppose you can but it takes a lot of work -- introspection and self-reflection, which takes a long time.

If a man told me this early on, we would be no more. No thank you.

But your call, if you choose to carry on with her, I wish you luck.

Part of her character. Expect more of the same.

Damn! Four guys!!!

Hi,

 

It was a completely friendly working relationship with a little bit of flirting I guess but she always would mention her boyfriend so I didn’t get any ideas.

 

I think her telling me when she didn’t have to (I would have never found out) means she doesn’t want to hide anything from me and clearly likes me enough to not lie. You could also tell that she regretted it.

 

Do you think it is wise to ask her two things that are bothering me...

 

1) If it was four one night stands or multiple times?

 

2) How come she didn’t split up with him after the first time she slept with someone and then just enjoyed it and why did she stay with him for like another year and a half after she got back knowing she’d cheated?

My ex was a perpetual cheater with his ex. He had no problem opening up to me about all of his exploits. Means nothing.

Stupid me, I continued to date him.

Sometimes people disclose this sort of stuff as way to gauge what you will put up with. In other words, once you know this about her lack of character and still tick around, you give up your right to be upset or even surprised when she cheats on you too. It's a way for cheaters to alleviate any guilt for future bad behavior under the pretext of "hey, you knew what you were signing up for." So beware. This is a false sense of intimacy, this "oh gosh you are so special I only shared it with you." Beware beware and don't be fooled.

As for "I wasn't happy or felt neglected, etc." - straight from the cheater handbook 101. Every single cheater says the same thing. The relationship was bad, dying, dead, I was neglected, etc, etc, etc. Well....so if the relationship was so bad and dead, why didn't you just end it? Why continue to stick around and cheat? These are pointless questions to ask a cheater, btw, because IF they can even answer that, it's just going to be more bs.

Basically, if she lost it, had a one night stand, was horrified with what she did and either ended her "oh so bad relationship that supposedly drove her to it" or patched things up with her bf and sorted out their relationship, I'd be more inclined to tell you to give her a chance. Four times cheated and her chief complaint after 5 years is that her bf wasn't giving her the attention she wanted WHILE she was on a trip......are you kidding me? Why not be honest and admit that she was traveling, wanted to sow wild oats and did so and didn't give a crud about her bf and her relationship. I wouldn't touch this chic with a 50 foot pole and a body condom, but....you have to figure this out for yourself. This girl is poison, imo.

"body condom,"

LOL!!!

The only excuse I might ever accept would be "it was a stupid thing to do and I've addressed the issues which brought me to very immaturely cope with and respond to an unhappy relationship." Being unhappy, no matter how justified or understandable, is not what causes somebody to cheat. If you're unhappy, try to work it out or leave. Obviously, there are extremes that aren't so cut and dry, such as extremely abusive situations perhaps, where I might not excuse it, but I could see myself tippy-toeing right up to that line if I were told the story. However, not getting enough texts while you're on vacation isn't quite within that threshold.

I mean, if I'm dating someone with such diarrhea of the mouth as this woman seems to have, that'd probably be my cue to pack my bags on its own, but if someone openly even hints dissatisfaction was a cause for that behavior, I'd have no interest in a relationship where I've gotta be worried she's bumping uglies whenever I've knowingly or not made her unhappy.

"Once a cheater, always a cheater" definitely isn't a universal truth. But in the way she's presented herself and that situation, I'd put my money on it in her case. Too many other women out there with a much sounder foundation to build trust with.

I’d end it for one reason: not because she cheated, but because she actually blames her ex.

She’s shown no remorse. Poor girl, her boyfriend didn’t pay enough attention.

"Girls tend to treat when their relationships are emotionally unfulfilling."

I don't understand this? Treat what?

Thanks for all the replies, a mixed bag!

I do know her character and she’s not a bad person she’s just made some really bad choices.

It’s worth pointing out that she was at uni for 3 years and never cheated - I think a foreign country and a relationship coming to the end got the best off her.

I’ve asked her about it and she’s really embarrassed and doesn’t condone it - I can see why people would run but what if she has just made a BIG mistake and has told me it in the hopes I’ll still give her a chance because she sees a future together. If she had any intention of doing it again I can’t believe that she'd even bother telling me.

One last question I’ll put out there:

“Can a girl who cheats on her boyfriend 4 times and then goes back to him for a year and a half without telling him actually be a trustworthy and nice person?

She cheated with 4 guys. That is more than a mistake, it's s character flaw. She can be nice but rest assured, she definitely isn't trustworthy and will cheat on you too.

It takes a certain type of person to do that and it takes a certain type of person to overlook it. If her relationship wasn't working she should get out of it, there is no need to cheat.

I would think your self esteem is wack if you give her a chance. You'll regret this if you do 100%.

Also aren't you worried you're being rebounded on...? There are lots of loyal girls out there, don't know why you're focusing on this girl.

Hmmm guess we live and learn.

"Girls tend to treat when their relationships are emotionally unfulfilling."

 

I don't understand this? Treat what?

Seeking attention elsewhere.

At the end of the day, if your connection is real, you accept all of them. Including past infidelity, it's part of who they are and let's be real plenty of male and female cheaters who don't come forward with their exploits because they have no intention of changing.

Is it a red flag? In my opinion it is but it's minimal.

For what it's worth I read this more of a judgement than who she is in relationships. You used the phrase 'that kind of girl' what kind of girl? One who is sexually active? Well if you want her to touch your happy place you gotta accept she's gotten practice touching someone else's, kinda how this works.

If your main concern is her relationship coping skills, by all means decide what to do. If your main concern is whether or not she's now a loose woman,.. well,,. Grow up.

I have a better question for you OP. Can you genuinely get past this or will you be constantly on guard, constantly looking over your shoulder, questioning her every move, constantly wondering if she is cheating on you now? Think on that long and hard and be very very honest before you carry on further with her.

Thanks for all the replies, a mixed bag!

 

I do know her character and she’s not a bad person she’s just made some really bad choices.

 

It’s worth pointing out that she was at uni for 3 years and never cheated - I think a foreign country and a relationship coming to the end got the best off her.

 

I’ve asked her about it and she’s really embarrassed and doesn’t condone it - I can see why people would run but what if she has just made a BIG mistake and has told me it in the hopes I’ll still give her a chance because she sees a future together. If she had any intention of doing it again I can’t believe that she'd even bother telling me.

 

One last question I’ll put out there:

 

“Can a girl who cheats on her boyfriend 4 times and then goes back to him for a year and a half without telling him actually be a trustworthy and nice person?

We already answered this. It falls into character: Bad character. It things were so bad, then why didn't she break up?

I would be concerned if things were off in your relationship, and she would find an excuse to cheat.

You've been warned.