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Thread: Dilemma!!

  1. #1
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    Dilemma!!

    I need advise.. I have been married now for 12 years. Quick back story : we got married very quickly after we ran into each other after few years. We knew each other from college but weíre just friends. During our first 3 months of being married I found out that he was watching porn, and was having inappropriate conversation with a girl. I confronted him and he of course became defensive. We manage to get pass that, I found out that he was talking to another girl from our church who was also married. I found numerous flirtation convo with different women over the years, and he would apologize and vow never to do it again. He lies about everything and I cannot trust him. He kept repeating this same pattern with flirting with different females, coworkers or who ever. I found so many inappropriate text message and I had enough and told him I wanted a divorce, he cried and said he loves me and doesnít know why he keeps doing those things to me. I told him he needed to delete all social media and delete his females friends because he obviously have no self control. Found out after a year that he had a secret Twitter and I found him complimenting a random girl on there. I seriously cannot trust this man. His words means nothing to me and when I bring up divorce he gets mad and profess that he is now a changed man and he had grown up. The thing is It doesnít matter because I no longer feel anything ( love ) for him. He has hurt me way too many times , and I donít trust him. He is a terrible communicator and he is a pathological liar. We have 2 kids and he is always saying I need to stay because of our family. Iím not happy and I feel lonely because I donít feel any love towards him. He says trust can be rebuild but not after you break my trust so many times. I want to leave him. Just scary figuring out life by myself .

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    Platinum Member shellyf62's Avatar
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    You can do it. It wont be easy, but life alone after being with a cheater is amazing! What he is doing is emotional cheating whiich is just as bad as phyically cheating.

    My ex cheated & I divorced him. I raised 2 small children alone, but my life has been amazing without the stress & worry of him.

    Do you have family that can help you?

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    Not really. Iím in school finishing up my degree and Iím just worried about supporting my kids financially.

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    Sometimes I feel as if heís not that bad now, but I canít get over the past and the numerous lies and embarrassment he caused me. I will never trust him again and there is no relationship without trust and communication.

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    You don't need to stay because of your family. That's the reason why you actually need to leave. He is not a very good role model for your kids. He may be able to hide the truth from them now while they are still young but when they get older they will see him for what he really is. He has a problem. He will always go back to his old ways no matter what. He can't help it because that's how he is conditioned. The only way he will change is through therapy and that could take years for it to start working on him.

    I think you can say you have done all you can in the 12 years of your marriage. You gave him many chances to change.

    Leave him.

    Best of luck.

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    I did, and he just kept doing the same things over and over. Those were no mistakes, you made a choice to do those things and did not regard my feelings despite how hurtful you knew I felt. He thinks it was not physical so it was not that bad. it was worst. Seeing you tell another woman ď good morning beautiful ď when you never told me that hurts more that you physically being with someone. Introducing me to cowokers and later found out you were trying to have sex with them is embarrassing. He said he never went through with any physical act because it was just a chase and it made him feel like he could get another woman to agree to sleep with him but he turned it down if they agree. How immature!!

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    He also like to act like he is the perfect husband when people are around. He is attractive so people like him and he carries himself well but he has major issues and I donít want to remain unhappy by putting up a fascade that he is the perfect husband because he is farrrr from that. He has improved but I still donít have any feelings for him anymore. He had depleted all the love I had. I can forgive but will never forget and itís hard to love someone after so many hurt.

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    Platinum Member shellyf62's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Kidzzie
    I did, and he just kept doing the same things over and over. Those were no mistakes, you made a choice to do those things and did not regard my feelings despite how hurtful you knew I felt. He thinks it was not physical so it was not that bad. it was worst. Seeing you tell another woman ď good morning beautiful ď when you never told me that hurts more that you physically being with someone. Introducing me to cowokers and later found out you were trying to have sex with them is embarrassing. He said he never went through with any physical act because it was just a chase and it made him feel like he could get another woman to agree to sleep with him but he turned it down if they agree. How immature!!
    I understand completely how you feel. My ex was "playing around" with past co-workers before I caught him in the affair. He invited them and their spouses to our home for bbqs. It is so humiliating that I still feel sick about it after 20yrs.

    You really need to leave. Organise help with friends, go & see a lawyer. Most give you a free first consultation to give you some ideas of what you need to do.

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    Well, have you ever caught him actually cheating?

    I mean, a lot of women don't like porn, but 96% of men (an actual number) watch porn on at least a monthly basis. It doesn't mean he's cheating. It's a relief valve. People will tell you it keeps men from cheating. And also psychiatrists will tell you that flirting is a relief valve. It dispels sexual tension. It's not always an invitation to cheating.

    Anyways, n many ways, a marriage is isolating. You just don't get to talk to women anymore. I know, I can tell you I miss talking to women. Talking to guys can get boring.

    So from my point of view, I don't see your husband doing anything wrong. I mean, do you have other things that's wrong with your marriage besides these two things?

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    Platinum Member shellyf62's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by DanZee
    Well, have you ever caught him actually cheating?

    I mean, a lot of women don't like porn, but 96% of men (an actual number) watch porn on at least a monthly basis. It doesn't mean he's cheating. It's a relief valve. People will tell you it keeps men from cheating. And also psychiatrists will tell you that flirting is a relief valve. It dispels sexual tension. It's not always an invitation to cheating.

    Anyways, n many ways, a marriage is isolating. You just don't get to talk to women anymore. I know, I can tell you I miss talking to women. Talking to guys can get boring.

    So from my point of view, I don't see your husband doing anything wrong. I mean, do you have other things that's wrong with your marriage besides these two things?
    This a joke right?????

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