Dilemma!!

I need advise.. I have been married now for 12 years. Quick back story : we got married very quickly after we ran into each other after few years. We knew each other from college but we’re just friends. During our first 3 months of being married I found out that he was watching porn, and was having inappropriate conversation with a girl. I confronted him and he of course became defensive. We manage to get pass that, I found out that he was talking to another girl from our church who was also married. I found numerous flirtation convo with different women over the years, and he would apologize and vow never to do it again. He lies about everything and I cannot trust him. He kept repeating this same pattern with flirting with different females, coworkers or who ever. I found so many inappropriate text message and I had enough and told him I wanted a divorce, he cried and said he loves me and doesn’t know why he keeps doing those things to me. I told him he needed to delete all social media and delete his females friends because he obviously have no self control. Found out after a year that he had a secret Twitter and I found him complimenting a random girl on there. I seriously cannot trust this man. His words means nothing to me and when I bring up divorce he gets mad and profess that he is now a changed man and he had grown up. The thing is It doesn’t matter because I no longer feel anything ( love ) for him. He has hurt me way too many times , and I don’t trust him. He is a terrible communicator and he is a pathological liar. We have 2 kids and he is always saying I need to stay because of our family. I’m not happy and I feel lonely because I don’t feel any love towards him. He says trust can be rebuild but not after you break my trust so many times. I want to leave him. Just scary figuring out life by myself .

You can do it. It wont be easy, but life alone after being with a cheater is amazing! What he is doing is emotional cheating whiich is just as bad as phyically cheating.

My ex cheated & I divorced him. I raised 2 small children alone, but my life has been amazing without the stress & worry of him.

Do you have family that can help you?

Not really. I’m in school finishing up my degree and I’m just worried about supporting my kids financially.

Sometimes I feel as if he’s not that bad now, but I can’t get over the past and the numerous lies and embarrassment he caused me. I will never trust him again and there is no relationship without trust and communication.

You don't need to stay because of your family. That's the reason why you actually need to leave. He is not a very good role model for your kids. He may be able to hide the truth from them now while they are still young but when they get older they will see him for what he really is. He has a problem. He will always go back to his old ways no matter what. He can't help it because that's how he is conditioned. The only way he will change is through therapy and that could take years for it to start working on him.

I think you can say you have done all you can in the 12 years of your marriage. You gave him many chances to change.

Leave him.

Best of luck.

I did, and he just kept doing the same things over and over. Those were no mistakes, you made a choice to do those things and did not regard my feelings despite how hurtful you knew I felt. He thinks it was not physical so it was not that bad. it was worst. Seeing you tell another woman “ good morning beautiful “ when you never told me that hurts more that you physically being with someone. Introducing me to cowokers and later found out you were trying to have sex with them is embarrassing. He said he never went through with any physical act because it was just a chase and it made him feel like he could get another woman to agree to sleep with him but he turned it down if they agree. How immature!!

He also like to act like he is the perfect husband when people are around. He is attractive so people like him and he carries himself well but he has major issues and I don’t want to remain unhappy by putting up a fascade that he is the perfect husband because he is farrrr from that. He has improved but I still don’t have any feelings for him anymore. He had depleted all the love I had. I can forgive but will never forget and it’s hard to love someone after so many hurt.

I did, and he just kept doing the same things over and over. Those were no mistakes, you made a choice to do those things and did not regard my feelings despite how hurtful you knew I felt. He thinks it was not physical so it was not that bad. it was worst. Seeing you tell another woman “ good morning beautiful “ when you never told me that hurts more that you physically being with someone. Introducing me to cowokers and later found out you were trying to have sex with them is embarrassing. He said he never went through with any physical act because it was just a chase and it made him feel like he could get another woman to agree to sleep with him but he turned it down if they agree. How immature!!

I understand completely how you feel. My ex was "playing around" with past co-workers before I caught him in the affair. He invited them and their spouses to our home for bbqs. It is so humiliating that I still feel sick about it after 20yrs.

You really need to leave. Organise help with friends, go & see a lawyer. Most give you a free first consultation to give you some ideas of what you need to do.

Well, have you ever caught him actually cheating?

I mean, a lot of women don't like porn, but 96% of men (an actual number) watch porn on at least a monthly basis. It doesn't mean he's cheating. It's a relief valve. People will tell you it keeps men from cheating. And also psychiatrists will tell you that flirting is a relief valve. It dispels sexual tension. It's not always an invitation to cheating.

Anyways, n many ways, a marriage is isolating. You just don't get to talk to women anymore. I know, I can tell you I miss talking to women. Talking to guys can get boring.

So from my point of view, I don't see your husband doing anything wrong. I mean, do you have other things that's wrong with your marriage besides these two things?

Well, have you ever caught him actually cheating?

 

I mean, a lot of women don't like porn, but 96% of men (an actual number) watch porn on at least a monthly basis. It doesn't mean he's cheating. It's a relief valve. People will tell you it keeps men from cheating. And also psychiatrists will tell you that flirting is a relief valve. It dispels sexual tension. It's not always an invitation to cheating.

 

Anyways, n many ways, a marriage is isolating. You just don't get to talk to women anymore. I know, I can tell you I miss talking to women. Talking to guys can get boring.

 

So from my point of view, I don't see your husband doing anything wrong. I mean, do you have other things that's wrong with your marriage besides these two things?

This a joke right?????

Not really. I’m in school finishing up my degree and I’m just worried about supporting my kids financially.

Love stories like this and people who lack any semblance of integrity or conviction.

Well, have you ever caught him actually cheating?

 

I mean, a lot of women don't like porn, but 96% of men (an actual number) watch porn on at least a monthly basis. It doesn't mean he's cheating. It's a relief valve. People will tell you it keeps men from cheating. And also psychiatrists will tell you that flirting is a relief valve. It dispels sexual tension. It's not always an invitation to cheating.

 

Anyways, n many ways, a marriage is isolating. You just don't get to talk to women anymore. I know, I can tell you I miss talking to women. Talking to guys can get boring.

 

So from my point of view, I don't see your husband doing anything wrong. I mean, do you have other things that's wrong with your marriage besides these two things?

DanZee, the OP already stated that he has been caught several times having inappropriate conversations with other women. He even told her he was trying to get the other woman to agree to sleep with him, even if he was not planning to act on it. (And I don't necessarily believe that part).

So this is not just having harmless women friends to talk with because he is lonely- this is having emotional affairs - beyond the boundaries of a healthy relationship.

To make things worse, he has repeatedly lied about it and hid the evidence. Because he knows it is wrong.

Kidzzie, this behavior is not going to stop. Im sure he is contrite when he is caught. But your husband has a problem that is not going to go away. It is best for you to leave this marriage to protect yourself and your children.

I'm so sorry you are going through this. You will heal in time. And I think you will feel relief, because you won't have to spend mental energy wondering when you will find the next one, and the next, and the next...

No worries. You'll get your degree, find a job, get financial security, and serve the papers. Why not? If there wasn't an advantage to it, you wouldn't have been putting him on a leash ever since you found things out the first time around and holding out like you're a cop with 17 years under your belt. My guess is there's no prenup in the equation. You'll get your pension. Have a happy life.

 

Love stories like this and people who lack any semblance of integrity or conviction.

???

This does not even make sense to me. Not sure what point you are trying to make.

Except that the OP needs to find strength within herself to let go, because it is the same story over and over.

Kidzzie, I wish you strength and inner resolve. You and your kids deserve better.

???

This does not even make sense to me. Not sure what point you are trying to make.

 

Except that the OP needs to find strength within herself to let go, because it is the same story over and over.

 

Kidzzie, I wish you strength and inner resolve. You and your kids deserve better.

???

This does not even make sense to me. Not sure what point you are trying to make.

 

Except that the OP needs to find strength within herself to let go, because it is the same story over and over.

 

Kidzzie, I wish you strength and inner resolve. You and your kids deserve better.

Yeah, that didn't make sense to me, either.

Takes an ounce of brain power.

I guess...

He even told her he was trying to get the other woman to agree to sleep with him

This post was added while I was writing my response. I did not see it until after I posted. She did not say this in her original post. She only said he was flirting with girls and watching porn. So I take my response back.

But I'll say some guys want to feel macho. I can't justify him trying to see if he could get girls to sleep with him if he admitted that. And some married guys do get lonely for female company. Him actually admitting that he was trying to get girls to sleep with him should have been the lead piece of information.

I need advise.. I have been married now for 12 years. Quick back story : we got married very quickly after we ran into each other after few years. We knew each other from college but we’re just friends. During our first 3 months of being married I found out that he was watching porn, and was having inappropriate conversation with a girl. I confronted him and he of course became defensive. We manage to get pass that, I found out that he was talking to another girl from our church who was also married. I found numerous flirtation convo with different women over the years, and he would apologize and vow never to do it again. He lies about everything and I cannot trust him. He kept repeating this same pattern with flirting with different females, coworkers or who ever. I found so many inappropriate text message and I had enough and told him I wanted a divorce, he cried and said he loves me and doesn’t know why he keeps doing those things to me. I told him he needed to delete all social media and delete his females friends because he obviously have no self control. Found out after a year that he had a secret Twitter and I found him complimenting a random girl on there. I seriously cannot trust this man. His words means nothing to me and when I bring up divorce he gets mad and profess that he is now a changed man and he had grown up. The thing is It doesn’t matter because I no longer feel anything ( love ) for him. He has hurt me way too many times , and I don’t trust him. He is a terrible communicator and he is a pathological liar. We have 2 kids and he is always saying I need to stay because of our family. I’m not happy and I feel lonely because I don’t feel any love towards him. He says trust can be rebuild but not after you break my trust so many times. I want to leave him. Just scary figuring out life by myself .

You think staying in a unhealthy marriage is good for your kids?

Your kids see more then you think.

Sorry you are in this situation but divorce your cheating husband. Do not discuss it with him.

Talk with an attorney and get all your questions answered.

Get everything lined up before you have him served.

Stand your ground. Tell him flat out that his own actions have killed the live you had for him.

Inform your kids of what is happening and why. Age appropriate of course.

You have done nothing wrong except stay with a cheater for far to long.

I have caught him talking to other women about sleeping with them. He claims he never sctually went through with it. Lying and being dishonest is in my opinion deceptive. I don’t trust him. Living my life having to worry about a grown man and his flirtatious ways is exhausting. If you can’t respect your marriage then you shouldn’t be in one. What relationship can function without trust, communication, and love. That’s a deal breaker.

How would he like it if I flirt with 100’s of guys, stating I wanted to sleep with them?

His big thing now is that I need to let go of the past because he has changed and is doing the right thing. Th last flirting was about a year ago with the social media chat and 2 other females he was flirting with. If he was changed those would not have happened. Even if he has changed it won’t negate how I feel because of 10 plus years of going through this with him and him repeating the same offenses numerous times, lying, of course lack communication. We have tried counseling but he reverts to doing what he does best and he doesn’t change. I told him he needs counseling for himself because he has a problem.

Don't threaten divorce. He already knows they are empty threats and all he has to do is produce some crocodile tears, lay low and open other accounts, etc. He doesn't want you to divorce because it's much cheaper and easier for him to cheat, not because he's concerned about you.

A nanny, child support, alimony, dividing all the assets, etc would cut into his skirt chasing budget. How can he chase women if he has his kids on weekends or has to cook or live in a crappy little apartment or sell his car and drive a minivan or beater? You are helping him cheat everyday.

He knows by now you'll put up with anything and just keep repeating the cycle with him and banging your head against the wall time and time again.

He also knows you are terrified of being alone because you are so dependent on him.

You don't want to leave him and he knows it. All you can do is privately and confidentially make appointments with an attorney and a therapist so you can get some facts, advice and get your ducks in a row and understand your options.

-He lies about everything and I cannot trust him.

-He kept repeating this same pattern with flirting with different females, coworkers or who ever.

-I had enough and told him I wanted a divorce

-I seriously cannot trust this man

-when I bring up divorce he gets mad.

-I don’t trust him.

-he is a pathological liar.

-We have 2 kids

-he is always saying I need to stay because of our family.

Just scary figuring out life by myself .

If he needs to understand, let him know if he was perfection from this day forward, it wouldn't matter. When a woman is done, she's plain done, and he's killed all the love you ever had for him.

If it makes you feel better to finish your degree and then get a job because of that degree before divorcing, set your sights on that while living with him, but begin the separation process. Don't be intimate with him. Sleep in a separate room if possible. Take his name off of your credit cards if possible.Take your name off of his credit cards. Take his name off of your bank account. Have a preliminary talk with a lawyer.

In many states, know that after 10 years of marriage, you are entitled to half of his retirement savings at the point of the divorce (not afterwards), and you're entitled to half of his pension at the point that he retires. Even if you're divorced, at the point of retirement, you can collect his higher retirement rate without it affecting him.

After the divorce, concentrate on yourself and help your kids adjust to their new life. A better life awaits you when all of your efforts come to fruition. I made it happen for me. I divorced my first husband for different reasons than yours, but it was for the best and now I'm living the life I'm supposed to be living. Take care.

Thank you! This is all so humiliating to me. I never wanted to get married and then divorced. Life goes on and I will be okay in the long run.

That's very normal. Nobody does. But now you are at a crossroads and need to decide if lying and affairs are something you can live with or if being a single parent for a while is something you can live with.

Thank you! This is all so humiliating to me. I never wanted to get married and then divorced. Life goes on and I will be okay in the long run.