Strange, counterintuitive aspect of a break up

I am dealing with the end of an eight year relationship. For some weeks I have been very curious to find out what dating is like at this point in my life. I have been eager to move on. However others around me are expressing caution. I am of two minds. One is expressing caution as well.

With that said something about this process feels so deeply odd. Here is my strained metaphor:

I am in a hole. I am at a loss, sitting in this hole. I want to climb out. I want to replace this sense of loss by climbing out of the hole. Despite this natural desire to climb out... I'm supposed to sit here, wait, and heal? I don't disagree. It just feels so counterintuitive and I am surprised by that. I have to sit in this hole for some period of time when I'd rather just leave.

That's an interesting way to put it. Grieving. Wanting to get away from that grief, and yet, too much escape and not being with it delays and compounds the pain.

It's true - it can feel counterintuitive to sit with pain. Human instinct is to run from pain/ the unpleasant, move towards pleasure.

Grieving is a learned skill. I'm still working on it too. Taking time to pay attention to oneself and what hurts, to care for oneself, to process, to feel. There's balance somewhere to be found. Grieving isn't about denying ourselves after all. It's like an act of caring for oneself.

Another analogy. It's like I'm quarantining myself from others.

I used to agree with the idea of not dating for a long time until you heal but I’ve seen quite a few successful relationships come to my exes instantly after we broke up that I don’t give it as much credit.

I am in a hole. I am at a loss, sitting in this hole. I want to climb out. I want to replace this sense of loss by climbing out of the hole. Despite this natural desire to climb out... I'm supposed to sit here, wait, and heal? I don't disagree. It just feels so counterintuitive and I am surprised by that. I have to sit in this hole for some period of time when I'd rather just leave.

No, that happens. It's sort of like learned helplessness. The story of Mohini the tiger describes that situation quite well (minus break-ups/relationships). Mohini lived in a small 12x12 enclosure in a zoo for most of her life. She spent most of her days pacing back and forth in her cage. At some point, the zoo was able to create a larger, more natural habitat for her, where she could roam over acres of land. However, when they transferred her to her new enclosure, she just paced back and forth in a small area of the enclosure for the rest of her life! Her captivity had become her habit, and a large part of her life.

The good news is, you are a human being and are capable of recognizing and understanding these things. It's up to you if you want to roam, where you want to roam, and when. A couple extra paces every day, and you will eventually free yourself of your dilemma.

I'm supposed to sit here, wait, and heal?

Well, everyone is different. There are some threads here on ENA that discuss rebound relationships. As soon as a relationship ends, boom, they've got another gf/bf on their arm. Or they chat up an ex and, bam, instant relationship. It's usually the person who doesn't see it coming and gets dumped that sits around crying and moping and wondering what happened. Those people quite often need to heal. If you're the person who bailed out first, normally those folks usually just can't wait to date again.

So the advice to wait a year and heal is for the person who has been dumped and is inconsolable.

But if you're in a rebound relationship, a lot of times they don't work out because people try to recapture what they had with the previous relationship way too quickly. And when that honeymoon period of 3-6 months is over, people ask themselves if they were crazy for dating that person. But a rebound can be a transitional relationship into another long-term relationship..

Anyways, if you feel you're ready, hey, get out there and start asking people out. Everyone's mileage varies.

Another analogy might be that the hole is in you and it's important to fill it with more you and not someone else.

That said, you don't "have" to do anything that's the best bit about being single, if you want to hit up dating then do it! but I think it would be a healthy mindset to just look for some connection/fun/test the waters and be skeptical about starting something committed and long term.

After 8 years it's usually going to take some time to figure yourself out again, learn some lessons about what you want from a different relationship and feel strong in yourself without needing anyone else to validate you.

How long have you been healing for?

Another analogy might be that the hole is in you and it's important to fill it with more you and not someone else.

 

That said, you don't "have" to do anything that's the best bit about being single, if you want to hit up dating then do it! but I think it would be a healthy mindset to just look for some connection/fun/test the waters and be skeptical about starting something committed and long term.

 

After 8 years it's usually going to take some time to figure yourself out again, learn some lessons about what you want from a different relationship and feel strong in yourself without needing anyone else to validate you.

 

How long have you been healing for?

I'm definitely not looking for anything too committed only because I know it would risky. However I do aspire to find another serious relationship. My hesitation is whether I should bother with "connection/fun/test[ing]". This eight year relationship ended only about a month ago. I know that's very fresh. Part of the story is that my ex, who left me, was rather distant with me for several months. It felt lonely even being around her.

learn some lessons about what you want from a different relationship and feel strong in yourself without needing anyone else to validate you.

 

How long have you been healing for?

This is certainly what I'm sitting and wondering about. Quite honestly, the lesson I needed to learn I learned years ago--it's risky dating someone with clinical depression. However there may be more I need to learn. I suppose some more reflection will show me that. Not sure.

That's an interesting way to put it. Grieving. Wanting to get away from that grief, and yet, too much escape and not being with it delays and compounds the pain.

 

It's true - it can feel counterintuitive to sit with pain. Human instinct is to run from pain/ the unpleasant, move towards pleasure.

 

Grieving is a learned skill. I'm still working on it too. Taking time to pay attention to oneself and what hurts, to care for oneself, to process, to feel. There's balance somewhere to be found. Grieving isn't about denying ourselves after all. It's like an act of caring for oneself.

I do wonder if I've grieved enough. I've certainly cried a number of times so far.

I'm sorry about your break up. Eight years and only one month since the break up, that's quite an adjustment.

Was your ex partner depressed often in your relationship ? Do you think that experience may have an impact on your feelings now? I'm sorry to hear you felt lonely even while with her.

I'm sorry about your break up. Eight years and only one month since the break up, that's quite an adjustment.

 

Was your ex partner depressed often in your relationship ? Do you think that experience may have an impact on your feelings now? I'm sorry to hear you felt lonely even while with her.

She was depressed throughout most days, yes. It has had an impact on how I feel now. I had considered leaving the relationship long ago but felt I should stick through it as she got better and because our life was difficult and it felt necessary to stick with each other through the challenges. But yes. I would sit around while she seemed uninterested in interacting with me. She would just be lost in her depression. That's part of the reason I feel ready to move on.

Well....I don't think there are any real set rules or right and wrong way about going about healing after the break up. It really depends on your individual personality and how you handle things. In addition to that, no break up is the same, so that's a factor too. Some break ups, you really are ready to move on and have been for a long time and so it's OK to go ahead and date and move on. Other break ups take their emotional toll and you might find that you just aren't feeling it for months or even a year or so before you are finally ready for something real with someone new.

Sometimes you do have to get out and test the waters and simply see how you feel about it. Maybe it's fun and you realize that you are totally open and ready. Maybe you realize that you are just rebounding, plugging a hole and shouldn't treat your dates like therapy sessions. Maybe you realize that even if it is fun, you are emotionally closed off, not really present, not really open to get involved, it just feels weird or wrong. If you take responsibility for yourself and your actions, then you aren't going to hurt mentally healthy people by going out on a date or two with them to figure this out. They aren't that invested in you at that point either. It really comes down to testing the waters and then being honest with yourself where you are at and whether you should continue with dating or put more energy into yourself, aka building friendships, engaging in hobbies, doing things that maybe you neglected or didn't do while in the relationship.

Noting wrong with getting in shape, updating your look with new clothes, haircut, etc. Then getting a good profile and pics up on dating apps. You can just browse and reflect.

When you are ready, you can start messaging women and going for a low key coffee. It's not jumping into anything, but it's getting out of the "monk" hole. As long as you are straight forward no harm, no foul.

Despite this natural desire to climb out... I'm supposed to sit here, wait, and heal?

Well....I don't think there are any real set rules or right and wrong way about going about healing after the break up. It really depends on your individual personality and how you handle things. In addition to that, no break up is the same, so that's a factor too. Some break ups, you really are ready to move on and have been for a long time and so it's OK to go ahead and date and move on. Other break ups take their emotional toll and you might find that you just aren't feeling it for months or even a year or so before you are finally ready for something real with someone new.

 

Sometimes you do have to get out and test the waters and simply see how you feel about it. Maybe it's fun and you realize that you are totally open and ready. Maybe you realize that you are just rebounding, plugging a hole and shouldn't treat your dates like therapy sessions. Maybe you realize that even if it is fun, you are emotionally closed off, not really present, not really open to get involved, it just feels weird or wrong. If you take responsibility for yourself and your actions, then you aren't going to hurt mentally healthy people by going out on a date or two with them to figure this out. They aren't that invested in you at that point either. It really comes down to testing the waters and then being honest with yourself where you are at and whether you should continue with dating or put more energy into yourself, aka building friendships, engaging in hobbies, doing things that maybe you neglected or didn't do while in the relationship.

I think your last paragraph is summing up where I think I am. I've mostly heard opinions from people suggesting I can not and should not date. However I feel A BIT ready to do so. I did go on three dates over the weekend (an unusual amount) and it was a great experience. It helped realize whether I'm ready to date or not. I realize that... I almost am. The dates were positive and the women I met were great. One of them made it clear a day later that she is not romantically interested in me. Which was a shame because I was very interested in her. This soft rejection (that's my term for it) was perfectly polite but allowed me to have a realization: I am up for positive dates but I can not handle any more rejection right now. After this fresh break up, with my ex leaving me, I can not deal with more rejection so I think I have to put dating on pause until I'm emotionally ready.

That was nice to learn. Probably.

Yeah, I want to believe I'm almost ready for dating and I want to believe my heart is in the right place too. Mostly in the right place. I just need to let these wounds heal so that... I can handle future rejections.

I think your last paragraph is summing up where I think I am. I've mostly heard opinions from people suggesting I can not and should not date. However I feel A BIT ready to do so. I did go on three dates over the weekend (an unusual amount) and it was a great experience. It helped realize whether I'm ready to date or not. I realize that... I almost am. The dates were positive and the women I met were great. One of them made it clear a day later that she is not romantically interested in me. Which was a shame because I was very interested in her. This soft rejection (that's my term for it) was perfectly polite but allowed me to have a realization: I am up for positive dates but I can not handle any more rejection right now. After this fresh break up, with my ex leaving me, I can not deal with more rejection so I think I have to put dating on pause until I'm emotionally ready.

 

That was nice to learn. Probably.

 

Yeah, I want to believe I'm almost ready for dating and I want to believe my heart is in the right place too. Mostly in the right place. I just need to let these wounds heal so that... I can handle future rejections.

So that's actually pretty good. I think that after being with someone for so many years, part of your struggle is just getting used to being single. It does take some time, but there is a certain freedom that comes with it that maybe you should embrace more. Like get out and socialize, pursue hobbies, sports, etc. Don't isolate yourself, but rather embrace the fact that you can do as you please without having to answer to anyone else.

Sounds to me like what you are feeling is more along the lines of this being single thing feels strange and I don't know quite what to do with it, so I quickly want to go back to what's familiar.....but....you know....take a deep breath and embrace the change at least for awhile and have some fun with it.

So that's actually pretty good. I think that after being with someone for so many years, part of your struggle is just getting used to being single. It does take some time, but there is a certain freedom that comes with it that maybe you should embrace more. Like get out and socialize, pursue hobbies, sports, etc. Don't isolate yourself, but rather embrace the fact that you can do as you please without having to answer to anyone else.

 

Sounds to me like what you are feeling is more along the lines of this being single thing feels strange and I don't know quite what to do with it, so I quickly want to go back to what's familiar.....but....you know....take a deep breath and embrace the change at least for awhile and have some fun with it.

Not quite. I was very single in my eight year relationship. We unfortunately were not able to spend as much time together as I would've liked due to our lives and her depression. I actually have not had a close relationship with someone in a few years despite the fact I was in a relationship. It's possible I should still embrace being single but I definitely miss intimacy with someone which has been absent from me life for some time.

It’s all a matter of personal preference this dating stuff... there is no question that it is a distraction from your grief but it sounds like you are aware of it then have some fun as a single person!

I would throw out there that you may not attract the person you want yet...many women tend to avoid guys that are dealing with recent breakups because they are either looking to go on and on about their ex or they are looking to use us as a distraction and we are not interested in either of those things.

I would say don’t have any expectations and go into this looking to just have fun and meet some new people... a little validation doesn’t hurt either :)

Not quite. I was very single in my eight year relationship. We unfortunately were not able to spend as much time together as I would've liked due to our lives and her depression. I actually have not had a close relationship with someone in a few years despite the fact I was in a relationship. It's possible I should still embrace being single but I definitely miss intimacy with someone which has been absent from me life for some time.

No doubt, but you were still in a relationship, still accountable to each other, still hoping, still trying to work things through, etc. Even when a lot was missing and things weren't good, you are still liable to miss the relationship. It's normal really. It does take some time to get past that and work that out of your system. Like your sensitivity to rejection now makes even more sense because you probably felt rejected for a long time before the actual break up from the sounds of it. It may not even have been conscious, but... So yeah, embrace the singledom and make a point of having some fun and not worrying about trying to connect. Instead of looking at it as a hole you want to climb out of, which just creates a sense of despair, look at it as a vacation from relationship worries. I know it's such a cliche, but when you are fully past all that, you will just connect with a new person and dating will feel right. At any rate, you know now that you are desirable and can get dates, so no worries in that department. Just have to do some emotional spring cleaning.

No doubt, but you were still in a relationship, still accountable to each other, still hoping, still trying to work things through, etc. Even when a lot was missing and things weren't good, you are still liable to miss the relationship. It's normal really. It does take some time to get past that and work that out of your system. Like your sensitivity to rejection now makes even more sense because you probably felt rejected for a long time before the actual break up from the sounds of it. It may not even have been conscious, but... So yeah, embrace the singledom and make a point of having some fun and not worrying about trying to connect. Instead of looking at it as a hole you want to climb out of, which just creates a sense of despair, look at it as a vacation from relationship worries. I know it's such a cliche, but when you are fully past all that, you will just connect with a new person and dating will feel right. At any rate, you know now that you are desirable and can get dates, so no worries in that department. Just have to do some emotional spring cleaning.

Thank you so much. It sounds like you really understand. Thanks.

In general it is good to grieve, heal, and improve before the next relationship. Here is a good test to see if you're ready. What would happen if your ex showed up at your door? How would you react?

My viewpoint on it is this... if you could handle that situation you are ready. If you can't you're broken, and you'll probably attract someone that you won't be in a healthy relationship with.

If you've ever been a rebound and then dumped I don't think you would do this.

With that said everyone is different and there are people who can check out while inside a relationship and move on quicker than some.

I would still advise getting to where you were before your last relationship or better. Make sure you are happy with yourself and not using someone else for happiness.

If you want to date proceed with caution. Make it clear that is exactly what you're doing to the other person and take things extremely slow if you find a potential partner.