Is it ever appropriate to ask your BF who he is texting?

This isn't a crisis or anything, but I was hoping to get your opinions.

Things are generally going very well with my bf. Our social lives are very integrated. We spend most nights together and our social lives are very integrated. He never "disappears" and seems to be generally very available.

It's not at all my style at all to grill him or to ask a lot of questions or express suspicion of any kind. And he generally hasn't given me reason to do so. He is for the most part pro-actively open with me. He is very social, and knows a LOT of people both personally and professionally, but I'm invited to pretty much everything he does these days.

The other day we were in the car together and he seemed somewhat concerned about sending a text. I don't ever purposely look at his texts, but I happened to see out of the corner of my eye, and I noticed the text he was sending was on the long side. I couldn't make out who it was to with 100% certainty but it SEEMED to be to a girl's name... one that I didn't recognize as someone he'd be texting in that way. It's probably fine, and I have never really acted like the jealous type with him, but it just kinda freaked me out a tiny bit. I've observed similar things just a very small handful of times before (where I've kind of just spotted a name that didn't quite make sense, and he didn't volunteer any info about who he was texting -- and I didn't ask).

What's normal in this kind of situation? Is there ever a respectful or appropriate to ask who he's texting or is it none of my business? I'm generally okay not knowing, and I'm fine respecting his privacy and not acting on it... but it does give me a slight nagging feeling.

Additional information that might be relevant to the situation: As some of you know, we live in the same city, but he spends about 15 - 20% of his time on the opposite coast of the country for work. I've been with him there and have an open invitation to go with him anytime he goes (on his dime), but I don't know all of his friends there etc. He also does have a very long history of being very social, and being friends with a group of people with many social/professional connections. So although I feel quite involved in his current/active friends pool, I'm sure there are many past or outer-ring people that I don't know as much about...

If he's spending that much time on the opposite coast for work, perhaps the texting is work related (seems a logical conclusion). If you're a committed, exclusive couple who is currently sleeping together then IMHO it wouldn't be inappropriate to say "Who the heck are you texting that monologue to" said with a grin.

Just ask if you want. I wouldn't care, but then again I'm the type that wouldn't be bothered if my bf had lunch or hung out wi5h a female friend. You seem pretty anxious and insecure...? Guys texting females shouldn't instantly be something you get uneasy about.

Did you ask him who it was? You've said this guy is in the entertainment industry in LA and that he meets with a ton of people as part of his work. In fact, when you flew out there with him, you barely even saw him in the couple of days there because he had nothing but meetings. So people are probably texting him all day and night. And it would make sense that he might have to send a long text to explain something complicated about work. If he was cheating on you, the text to a girlfriend would be very brief.

But I would ask you what are you really feeling about the relationship? You've been asking for a lot of advice during the last 10 months after you got back together with your boyfriend after a 4 months break when he was dating a younger girl. Are you feeling insecure? Are you getting cold feet about the relationship? Has there been any talk of moving in together? Or are you stuck as the perpetual girlfriend? Are you worried that time is running out for you? I mean, let's get to the real problem.

Just ask if you want. I wouldn't care, but then again I'm the type that wouldn't be bothered if my bf had lunch or hung out wi5h a female friend. You seem pretty anxious and insecure...? Guys texting females shouldn't instantly be something you get uneasy about.

Oh he has many female friends and has lunch, dinner and does all sorts of activities with them with and without me. And I’m fine with that.

I have male friends that I’m close with too, and he generally doesn’t have an issue with that (he’s expressed jealousy/concern a few times but only when I’ve been hanging out with people he doesn’t know).

I guess what was weird is this that I know a lot about most of his life, and I know most of his friends really well. But it seems like there are some I just don’t know anything about at all. And, yeah, as I mentioned he spends a significant amount of time on the other coast and there is just no way I could know as much about his social life there as I do here. Even here, there are plenty of females in his extended social circle... I never really ask what their history is or where they came from or how they know each other (it would be too invasive, and I generally don’t really care or want to know).

But it seems like there are some I just don’t know anything about at all.

Maybe he's posting someone his advice here on ENA.

The answer to this - and just about everything else, IMO, is moderation.

If my partner started asking me who I am texting every time I pick up my phone - that would get annoying real fast. I mean... you absolutely have to trust your partner and it does come across as a little insecure.

But - at the same time - if it’s really eating at you, you don’t have to hold it in. Of course you can ask from time to time who he is texting! Heck! I’ll do it to colleagues if they are ignoring me to text... lol! A simple “What’s going on? Who are you texting?” is a perfectly reasonable question if they are taking time and attention away from you while in your presence.

Moderation. If you are asking more than say... once a month or something, you are probably asking too much and you should start to question whether you are feeling insecure and why.

I mean, over the course of 4+ years, I'm sure I've asked a few times. If it's reflexive curiosity, I'd say it's pretty harmless. My lady's walked through the door and I've lip-asked who she's talking to. It was a matter of curiosity rather than insecurity. I wouldn't care if it whether she mentioned a woman or a man's name. And I think that's how you need to think of it. If you're asking to ask, I don't see the harm. If you're asking because him happening to be sending a text to someone of the opposite sex has you insecure, I might stop, think, and try to handle your insecurities internally rather than unfairly putting it on him to provide you assurance over something anyone should be able to do.

I don't think you got over the fact he was still hanging out with that girl he was involved with in the past. The trust isn't fully there is it.

Did you ask him who it was? You've said this guy is in the entertainment industry in LA and that he meets with a ton of people as part of his work. In fact, when you flew out there with him, you barely even saw him in the couple of days there because he had nothing but meetings. So people are probably texting him all day and night. And it would make sense that he might have to send a long text to explain something complicated about work. If he was cheating on you, the text to a girlfriend would be very brief.

 

But I would ask you what are you really feeling about the relationship? You've been asking for a lot of advice during the last 10 months after you got back together with your boyfriend after a 4 months break when he was dating a younger girl. Are you feeling insecure? Are you getting cold feet about the relationship? Has there been any talk of moving in together? Or are you stuck as the perpetual girlfriend? Are you worried that time is running out for you? I mean, let's get to the real problem.

Many good points, DanZee. Thank you. I think part of the reason I'm asking for a lot of advice is because: (a) I'm generally quite happy in this relationship and don't want to mess it up. (b) I haven't had a history of super healthy/satisfying relationships in the past ... and so I truly don't always know what is "normal".

In terms of him dating the girl while we were broken up... it's not my favorite thing to think about, but I don't have any actual concerns about her. In some ways, the fact that he got back together with me without hesitation as soon as I reappeared in his life (despite the fact that this younger girl really, really liked him) made me feel that his feelings for me were substantial...that he really missed me when I left... that there was/is something he values about me specifically and that I'm not just easily replaced by any pretty face who likes him. (BTW, not that it's so important, but I'm also 9 years younger than my BF.... so technically I'm "younger" too -- she was just even much younger than that).

In terms of "moving things forward" with him... Yes. This might be at play. It's something I think about. I've never been "goal oriented" or "blatantly marriage focused" in my relationships, but at this point in my life I do think about those things more than I used to. Here is what I can tell you.

Historically one issue for us has been this: In discussions we've had, he has strongly expressed that in his experience it's always the woman who moves things forward in the relationship. Who says what it is that she wants in the relationship, what her relationship goals are, etc. I've never done this -- with him or anybody. In my experience it's always been the guy who pushes things forward.

In terms of things actually moving forward?: -He's made it clear that: We are in an exclusive, committed relationship, and that's what he wants. That he wants our relationship to be "serious and for the long term". -He's made some general references to him wanting me to "basically move in", have all of my stuff at his house, etc. I haven't acted on any of this. Maybe a month or so ago we got into some unrelated argument about something else (I can't remember what; it didn't seem very significant) and he said something along the lines of this (I'm forgetting his precise words here, but this is the idea...): Maybe the real issue is that we don't have any kind of real status or haven't talked about a clear path here. (I mean we have an official status of exclusive boyfriend/girlfriend; that's not what he was talking about). His suggestion was that we talk about this stuff in a separate conversation. I never initiated re-visiting the conversation.... but I'm feeling like I should, and that he is open or interested in talking about even more serious things. I've met his parents and family a few times before, but a few weeks ago, I spent some more serious time with them and it went really well. This past weekend, I finally took the plunge and brought him to meet, basically my entire family -- for an entire weekend. (I've only ever introduced my family to one other guy in my life, so this was a major, major deal for me). He was great with them and made a huge effort. I unfortunately haven't heard back from them yet, which is a bit disappointing for me (but that's for another post).

Anyway, that's the info I can give you...

I don't think you got over the fact he was still hanging out with that girl he was involved with in the past. The trust isn't fully there is it.

Thanks for your response. He wasn't hanging out with that girl after he and I actually got back together. That's not an issue.

Maybe a small issue is: As you described, a year and a half ago, I did separate from him. He started seeing the new girl VERY quickly after that. He had (by his own admission) known her "as a friend" before he and I stopped seeing each other the first time around. I have no reason to think that anything happened between them before he and I split up. (And note also, that that first time around when we were seeing each other, we weren't in an exclusive relationship with each other and had never discussed anything like that). But the reality remains that, by nature of his lifestyle/industry yes, he knows and will continue to know and meet attractive women in professional and social contexts even while he is dating me. It's inevitable, and I accept it. And because I don't keep crazy close tabs on him while he's away, etc, I probably don't know about all of them (I certainly never knew about her; although he and I weren't nearly as close or as serious when we split up for a few months a year and a half ago). But I guess I'd like to minimize risks without driving him (or MYSELF) crazy.

The answer to this - and just about everything else, IMO, is moderation.

 

If my partner started asking me who I am texting every time I pick up my phone - that would get annoying real fast. I mean... you absolutely have to trust your partner and it does come across as a little insecure.

 

But - at the same time - if it’s really eating at you, you don’t have to hold it in. Of course you can ask from time to time who he is texting! Heck! I’ll do it to colleagues if they are ignoring me to text... lol! A simple “What’s going on? Who are you texting?” is a perfectly reasonable question if they are taking time and attention away from you while in your presence.

 

Moderation. If you are asking more than say... once a month or something, you are probably asking too much and you should start to question whether you are feeling insecure and why.

Thank you very much. Yes, I've never asked him anything like this -- not even once. So it's helpful to know that it's generally considered okay to do it every once in awhile. I've had such weird relationships in the past, that I sometimes struggle to know what's normal.

In the past I've found myself in situations where I'm either too overbearing and ask too many questions.... or I've swung the other way (as I've done a bit in this relationship, and a few others) and I'm too detached and ask absolutely no questions at ALL. As you say, maybe it's best for me to find something in moderation -- some middle ground.

I mean, over the course of 4+ years, I'm sure I've asked a few times. If it's reflexive curiosity, I'd say it's pretty harmless. My lady's walked through the door and I've lip-asked who she's talking to. It was a matter of curiosity rather than insecurity. I wouldn't care if it whether she mentioned a woman or a man's name. And I think that's how you need to think of it. If you're asking to ask, I don't see the harm. If you're asking because him happening to be sending a text to someone of the opposite sex has you insecure, I might stop, think, and try to handle your insecurities internally rather than unfairly putting it on him to provide you assurance over something anyone should be able to do.

I get what you are saying, j.man, and this is precisely the reason why I basically NEVER ask him ANYTHING that he doesn't volunteer to me on his own. (And why I didn't ask him about this).

I guess I'm just trying to gauge if I've gone too far in that extreme ... and if perhaps there is an acceptable middle ground. And, if that's the case, where exactly it lies.

Maybe he's posting someone his advice here on ENA.

Hahaha (except no, it was a text message, lol)

From all your posts I can sense that, despite you saying it's not so, you don't feel secure in this relationship.

It's important to find out why that is. I presume it's due to your previous breakup and the younger woman he dated and continued to see as "friends" even after you reconciled. But it's clear you are not comfortable.

Thing is if you were just asking to ask, you would have asked and you wouldn't be asking here. I somewhat disagree with communicating your insecurities for the sake of it. There does come a point you should be handling your own insecurities without relying on your partner to placate them.

What's normal in this kind of situation? Is there ever a respectful or appropriate to ask who he's texting or is it none of my business? I'm generally okay not knowing, and I'm fine respecting his privacy and not acting on it... but it does give me a slight nagging feeling.

I think it's fine to ask, especially if you don't feel right about something.

Normal is acting in your own interest. Abnormal is assuming that you're a mental defective just because you're worried about something. Trust your gut and give yourself some credit. Put yourself first. If he can't handle it, maybe he's not the right guy for you.

Wouldn't you rather have a partner who made you feel supported, and not crazy?

OP, this thread taken together with your others indicates you still feel quite insecure in this relationship.

Instead of wondering if it's okay for you (or him) to do XYZ, start tackling the underlying issue, which is the lack of confidence you have in your partnership. You don't entirely trust him, which is not necessarily a deal-breaker just yet, but it's evident that you're motivated to ask a lot of these questions because you're wary of his behaviour when he's not around you.

Unless and until you two are able to get to a place where you have faith that he's behaving in such a way that honors your relationship, these issues will continue to creep up and drive you crazy.

Unless he's doing it while driving, during dinner or all the time, assume it's a friend or business associate.

but he spends about 15 - 20% of his time on the opposite coast of the country for work.

Unless he's doing it while driving, during dinner or all the time, assume it's a friend or business associate.

He actually WAS doing it while driving (I know... not good).

OP, this thread taken together with your others indicates you still feel quite insecure in this relationship.

 

Instead of wondering if it's okay for you (or him) to do XYZ, start tackling the underlying issue, which is the lack of confidence you have in your partnership. You don't entirely trust him, which is not necessarily a deal-breaker just yet, but it's evident that you're motivated to ask a lot of these questions because you're wary of his behaviour when he's not around you.

 

Unless and until you two are able to get to a place where you have faith that he's behaving in such a way that honors your relationship, these issues will continue to creep up and drive you crazy.

Thanks, MissCanuck. Yes, I think you are right. For some reason I'm still insecure in this relationship, and I can't quite put my finger on why, or what to do about it.

There are a few factors: I find myself a lot more restrained than I was in previous relationships. Maybe because he's older (older than me, and older than any guy I've ever dated)? Or he has a certain amount of authority I'm not used to? Also, the beginning years of our relationship were just so strange. We were not officially committed to each other for a very long time and never really spoke about things. I think this was as much because of me as it was him, but it gets hard to parse everything out so far after the fact. We developed strange patterns and were somewhat closed and distant to each other for a very long time. It took us a very long time to actually become close. Maybe because he himself doesn't seem as open and extroverted about his thoughts and feelings as guys I've dated in the past. He stresses that I should feel 100% comfortable being open with him, etc. but I don't feel that I am. I also, perhaps because we for so long led closed off and separate lives while seeing each other for so long, sometimes have this sense that he might have this capacity to have facets of his life I know nothing about. During the past year he hasn't given me any reason to think that this is the case, but it's just this vague feeling that is there sometimes.

It's like we're always on our "best behavior" with each other and I'm never entirely, entirely sure what's going on beneath the polite and agreeable surface. The nice thing is that the relationship is much less volatile than any I've had in the past. I'm afraid to mess that up. But at the same time I agree that my ongoing insecurities about this, manifested in different ways, have been a consistent in my posts here.

The thing is, I really am generally happy, but I can't deny that I have some nagging insecurities and concerns.

This you could say something about if you are a passenger in anyone's car who does this. Does he usually text and drive? Or did this particular text seem this urgent?

He actually WAS doing it while driving (I know... not good).

This you could say something about if you are a passenger in anyone's car who does this. Does he usually text and drive? Or did this particular text seem this urgent?

I totally should have said something right then. It's not unheard of him to text and drive, though he doesn't make a habit of it... Something did seem slightly different about this text.

Hey, I think you're on the right track. It's okay to ask out of genuine concern, as long as you aren't doing it out of insecurity or lack of trust. Why don't you ask him like you asked us?

"Hey boyfriend, I noticed you look concerned when you were sending a text in the car the other day, do you mind if I ask what that was about? And is everything okay?"

He actually WAS doing it while driving

Ah, that's different. I think it's appropriate to say something like "Hey, must be an emergency of some sort. Pull over and I'll drive so you can text." Not only is it "not good", it is dangerous.