How do you go about figuring out what your "type" is or what you're looking for?

I'm having a conversation with a friend who is stating that his dating experience in his 30s has been positive because it allowed him to more deliberately focus and "choose" the type or sort of person he wants to be with. I personally think he's just _lucky_ he found someone he liked who liked him back. I strongly suspect that in most instances many of us _settle_ and compromise.

However this friend is stressing that people should not compromise. In order to compromise though a person must kind of know what they want in a partner. I find this to be difficult. In my mind it requires a lot of social interaction with a variety of people in order to know what you like or connect with. This requires a lot of dating. Dating, for some of us, requires a lot of effort and time.

How did you go about deciding on the type of person you want to be with? How did you reach conclusions on qualities you want in a partner? Personally for me I've just wanted someone nice, somewhat healthy physically, tolerates my creative work, and likes me back. I've never had more requirements past that point.

I agree with you, the more people you get to know, and some that you date, will help you learn what you like and dont like in a person. I like kind, intelligent, clever, funny, honest, genuine people. I wouldn't want someone with a bunch of bad habits or bad debt, wont work, drinks too much or is into drugs.

You have to kiss a lot of toads to find your prince!

I agree with you, the more people you get to know, and some that you date, will help you learn what you like and dont like in a person. I like kind, intelligent, clever, funny, honest, genuine people. I wouldn't want someone with a bunch of bad habits or bad debt, wont work, drinks too much or is into drugs.

 

You have to kiss a lot of toads to find your prince!

Yeah, that makes sense. Would you say that people who are able to date more are better able to find the right "type" of person through that experience? I recall being in my early 20s and around people who claimed they knew of their "type" which seemed ignorant. Do you think a person should know their type when they enter their late 30s?

I don't think it necessarily requires a lot of dating to know what you want. I feel like if you are very in tune with yourself, with not just who you are now, but who you strongly envision yourself being in the future (aside from the small things that will inevitably change over time), you can figure out the type of person who would be compatible with you. For example, everyone can say "I want someone kind, funny, and who understands me and my needs"; but not everyone really knows what their "needs" are at the core other than "treat me well" if they don't really know who they are yet. Everything boils down to being able to pinpoint who you are, and giving space for change as well.

For my husband and I: "where I fail, he thrives. Where I flourish, he calls upon me". We're a good balance because I can pinpoint all of faults and strengths, and know that he is not only what I "need" but he knows that I am everything that would build him up instead of hindering him in any way

It's good to have a must-have list and a dealbreaker list and to cut off anybody as soon as you see they don't meet your wish list and possess dealbreakers. You can see when someone makes you a priority in your life, so that's one thing to look for. You should both match in how much time you like to spend together. There is no right or wrong, just what's right for you. You also have to match in major life goals, otherwise, it'll never work. Other than that, if you're content more often than frustrated or upset, you'll know you're on the right path.

I don't think it necessarily requires a lot of dating to know what you want. I feel like if you are very in tune with yourself, with not just who you are now, but who you strongly envision yourself being in the future (aside from the small things that will inevitably change over time), you can figure out the type of person who would be compatible with you. For example, everyone can say "I want someone kind, funny, and who understands me and my needs"; but not everyone really knows what their "needs" are at the core other than "treat me well" if they don't really know who they are yet. Everything boils down to being able to pinpoint who you are, and giving space for change as well.

For my husband and I: "where I fail, he thrives. Where I flourish, he calls upon me". We're a good balance because I can pinpoint all of faults and strengths, and know that he is not only what I "need" but he knows that I am everything that would build him up instead of hindering him in any way

If it doesn't require a lot of dating then it sounds like it requires lot of observation? I imagine people who _feel_ like they know their type early on maybe observed relationships early in life that help them draw a conclusion.

I don't think I know my type beyond some broad precepts but I also suspect people make too strong of assumptions about their type as well.

I'd skip the 'type' nonsense and focus on what kind of relationship I want to have. I'd identify my dealbreakers, (such as drug use, separated but still married, or habitual complaining). Then work backwards from that. If you want to find a committed relationship, screen out people who don't know what they want, want something casual, want only friendship, or who've recently broken up or are still angry with an ex.

Trying to nail down a type makes no sense. Demographics are for marketers trying to peddle a product to the masses, not for individuals who are trying to find a good match with people who find you attractive enough to want to date you.

I agree. I am surprised by people who have a type. That's partly why I'm surprised by my suspicion that some women may compartmentalize me as a "type" whatever it may be. I'm not offended. Just fascinated and surprised.

Maybe to a certain extent I do ask myself, "Should I find out what my type is? How do I do that?" For much of my dating life I've had a very modest list of needs. My ex told me I had very low expectations and should demand more. That may or may not fall under this "type" discussion.

Physical type? Pointless.

Skill sets/interests/values/personality- relevant.

Watching my choices by going on 1 to 2 dates - rarely more - helped me see that I mesh best with certain skills/interests/values. That combination might be my "type" and because its based on substance, its useful.

Physical type? Pointless.

 

Skill sets/interests/values/personality- relevant.

 

Watching my choices by going on 1 to 2 dates - rarely more - helped me see that I mesh best with certain skills/interests/values. That combination might be my "type" and because its based on substance, its useful.

I think I'm still trying to pinpoint what those qualities are but yes, those are important qualities.

I think I'm still trying to pinpoint what those qualities are but yes, those are important qualities.

For me: i dated a lot, gave myself permission to decline for any reason whatsoever, and focused on the idea that we all have equal value, so that rejection or acceptance is a neutral event.

My preferences relate to my family background, interests, energy level, and goals It helps to see and accept how those things influence who you are today

Also, research suggests a basic trait to search for within yourself and in a partner, and that is: a similar world view. Specifically, some people see the world as fundamentally threatening, others as welcoming. Find someone with a similar perspective as your own.

Re that statement threatening/welcoming: its important to understand it as so all encompassing that no words are exactly accurate. Try not to parse the words, and to focus instead on the concept. Is the world your playground with fun adventures right outside your door? Is your home a retreat from its barbs and arrows? That might be a good place to start.

For me: i dated a lot, gave myself permission to decline for any reason whatsoever, and focused on the idea that we all have equal value, so that rejection or acceptance is a neutral event.

 

My preferences relate to my family background, interests, energy level, and goals It helps to see and accept how those things influence who you are today

I think this isn't too controversial of a statement but I believe women are better able to date OFTEN rather than men. I think many men are not able to obtain as many dates. This dynamic allows women to better filter through men and essentially find the type of partner they want. I believe that's awesome. I would do the same... if I could. I'm sure not every man relates to me but I sort of feel obligated to... take what I can get. If I pass a woman's filter, that sort of means a lot.

This is why I am not sure what qualities I seek.

I think this isn't too controversial of a statement but I believe women are better able to date OFTEN rather than men. I think many men are not able to obtain as many dates. This dynamic allows women to better filter through men and essentially find the type of partner they want. I believe that's awesome. I would do the same... if I could. I'm sure not every man relates to me but I sort of feel obligated to... take what I can get. If I pass a woman's filter, that sort of means a lot.

 

This is why I am not sure what qualities I seek.

Well... women date men, if they are heterosexual, so it would seem the opportunities are similar unless a few guys are going on most of the dates?

Anyhow- getting through anyone's filter is the beginning of a learning journey. The point is to learn about yourself so accepting some dates, or pursuing some dates you might otherwise overlook, may be helpful for you.

Well... women date men, if they are heterosexual, so it would seem the opportunities are similar unless a few guys are going on most of the dates?

 

Anyhow- getting through anyone's filter is the beginning of a learning journey. The point is to learn about yourself so accepting some dates, or pursuing some dates you might otherwise overlook, may be helpful for you.

At least when it comes to heterosexual online dating, women get MANY annoying responses. These don't count as "dates" but allows/forces women to filter through lots of men--especially shady men. When I was on a dating site in my 20s I got like 5/6 messages over the span of 6 months.

I am definitely accepting and pursuing dates whether or not now is the time. I hope to have more.

At least when it comes to heterosexual online dating, women get MANY annoying responses. These don't count as "dates" but allows/forces women to filter through lots of men--especially shady men. When I was on a dating site in my 20s I got like 5/6 messages over the span of 6 months.

 

I am definitely accepting and pursuing dates whether or not now is the time. I hope to have more.

This gender gap.is often debated -- i don't think it exists but I understand why it seems to exist. Rather than debate it here I offer this:

Lets say there is a gap... are you interested in changing your orientation or gender? No? Then accept what is and find your peace with it. Ramp up your social life, those same skills and interactions help too - maybe moreso.

This gender gap.is often debated -- i don't think it exists but I understand why it seems to exist. Rather than debate it here I offer this:

 

Lets say there is a gap... are you interested in changing your orientation or gender? No? Then accept what is and find your peace with it. Ramp up your social life, those same skills and interactions help too - maybe moreso.

I'm accepting it. I do like to debate it because I think there's a false understanding about how difficult it is for some men to date. I even believe it is a problem of patriarchy that has made some men hyper aggressive, creating this atmosphere where women are overwhelmed with shadiness, unwanted attention, and too many messages through dating sites. Either way I accept it but I do wish I had the benefit of dating more in order to say to myself, "This is what I want" as opposed to, "This is what I'll settle for".

Socializing does help and I will continue to improve that.

I think you are confusing "type" with "compatibility".

A person can have a "type" which generally includes superficial qualities like such as brown hair vs. blonde hair, or short vs. tall, or lanky vs. muscular etc. What you described in your post (just looking for a woman who tolerates your creative side and 'likes you back'), is a type....and the type is ANY type. This is the definition of settling. Just because someone likes you doesn't mean you are compatible.

What you want to focus on is finding someone who is compatible which means deciding what your values are in a relationship and in life. Deciding what your deal breakers are - what you will and won't compromise on.

For example, one of my deal breakers before I met my husband is that I would not be with a smoker. I am asthmatic and I hate it and think it's a disgusting habit. It wouldn't matter how attracted I was to a guy, if he smoked, I would immediately walk away.

I also would not be with a man who identified as right wing, showed any signs of racism, homophobia, or intolerance of any kind. Those are life values to me and they are important. I would not date a man who was irresponsible with money or who didn't have a job and had no interest in finding a job (being unemployed is fine as long as you are actively trying to find work but sitting on your butt is not). I would not date a man who didn't have a driver's license, who didn't know how to keep his own house (cook, clean etc.) and who couldn't support himself.

That might sound like a lot, but someone who possesses those things shows they are compatible with me. And my husband had those qualities. He also shared my interests, hobbies, and goals in life. THAT is compatibility and yeah you might have to look inwards to decide what matters to you and what doesn't.

"Type" can be broken. For example, I never used to be attracted to men who were excessively tall because I am very short and tall men would intimidate me. However, my husband is very tall. I went against my normal "type" because he and I were very compatible.

You want to find out what you need out of a relationship beyond just simply "she likes me back and tolerates me".

At least when it comes to heterosexual online dating, women get MANY annoying responses. These don't count as "dates" but allows/forces women to filter through lots of men--especially shady men. When I was on a dating site in my 20s I got like 5/6 messages over the span of 6 months.

 

I am definitely accepting and pursuing dates whether or not now is the time. I hope to have more.

Women also get hit on so aggressively that they often feel unsafe and/or disgusted by the MANY MANY perverted and offensive messages they get sent. I know so many of my friends who have quit online dating because of the countless disrespect, harassment and photos of male genitalia they are sent on a constant basis. It wears you down and destroys your soul. Women don't send out messages online because they are too busy fending off men who don't know how basic kindness works.

Women also get hit on so aggressively that they often feel unsafe and/or disgusted by the MANY MANY perverted and offensive messages they get sent. I know so many of my friends who have quit online dating because of the countless disrespect, harassment and photos of male genitalia they are sent on a constant basis. It wears you down and destroys your soul. Women don't send out messages online because they are too busy fending off men who don't know how basic kindness works.

That's exactly what I'm acknowledging. In my opinion that is why some guys are not able to get many dates. In a sense I'm willing to blame the hyper aggressive men.

Re "getting dates", in terms of desirable opportunity I would bet its more similar than different.

Whether its different or same, i assure you every one of us has reasons to succeed and to stumble. Comparisons are misleading because we don't have the facts about other people. We tend to assume they are better off, when often, they aren't. I will never forget meeting a kind woman who is stunning to look at and pleasant company and who married into a billionaire family. I always thought how lucky! But her health issues are just awful; hidden from view, but painful and recurrent. Always assume you don't know the whole story. Therefore, do your own thing and know that it is good enough.

I agree. I am surprised by people who have a type. That's partly why I'm surprised by my suspicion that some women may compartmentalize me as a "type" whatever it may be. I'm not offended. Just fascinated and surprised.

 

Maybe to a certain extent I do ask myself, "Should I find out what my type is? How do I do that?" For much of my dating life I've had a very modest list of needs. My ex told me I had very low expectations and should demand more. That may or may not fall under this "type" discussion.

Leave the type garbage to the 12 year olds and focus on whoever attracts you and is attracted to you. We're each unique individuals, and attempts to classify people are as productive as navel gazing.

I'd rather call it "standards" than type.

Standards are very important in my opinion when it comes to dating. Few years ago, I was only 19 and I NEVER established any standards when it comes to dating because I was desperate to be in a relationship. In the end? I ended up dating 2 awful men. One of them didn't care for me throughout the relationship. It was because I didn't establish or had any standards before. Standards are like the foundation or basis on who is the right person you want to spend your life with. Somewhat, it's kinda like a checklist on your potential partner. I finally established a standard after failed relationships because I do not want to end up being on the same boat again.

I'd rather call it "standards" than type.

 

Standards are very important in my opinion when it comes to dating. Few years ago, I was only 19 and I NEVER established any standards when it comes to dating because I was desperate to be in a relationship. In the end? I ended up dating 2 awful men. One of them didn't care for me throughout the relationship. It was because I didn't establish or had any standards before. Standards are like the foundation or basis on who is the right person you want to spend your life with. Somewhat, it's kinda like a checklist on your potential partner. I finally established a standard after failed relationships because I do not want to end up being on the same boat again.

This is a great point. Having standards starts with yourself and works backwards. What kind of relationship do you want to have? What qualities in another person are important to you? What are your dealbreakers?

This is a great point. Having standards starts with yourself and works backwards. What kind of relationship do you want to have? What qualities in another person are important to you? What are your dealbreakers?

I think the problem on using the word "type" is it lays more of the physical attraction rather than the actual relationship you want to be with. I remember back when I was a teen I always use the word "type" and I would describe my types as tall, good looking, charming etc.

With standards it's really different. It's more of a serious side. When people ask me what are my standards on a potential partner, I always answer "someone who's responsible, understanding, and wants to spend his whole life with me"

So yeah, I hope my understanding of those two words are correct based on my experiences.