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Am I overreacting


sadconflict

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Hello,

 

I am starting this thread as I am trying to find a way to deal with my problem.

 

A little back story. I have been with my fiancée for about 5 years now ( engaged for 1 ). We have a very pleasant relationship, with the ups and downs , but in overall really good.

Recently , my fiancée wanted to get a tattoo on her foot. I obviously didn't think it was a big deal . She wanted to write some spiritual, life motivating quote.

 

She has been looking to get this tattoo for a few months now but couldn't find the right design. Now fiancée has a friend ( she knows him before we met) that is a tattoo artist.

I don't really like the guy but recently he opened a tattoo shop around the area so she decided to have her tattoo there. I wasn't super excited about the idea (he is very cocky and rude)

but she told me to go with her.

 

Long story short, we arrived at the tattoo place and she was on the process of having the tattoo. I was looking around the place when suddenly I heard uncontrollable laughter from the studio where my

fiancee was having the tattoo. I walked inside and I saw him holding my fiancees feet (both) with one arm and was tickling her feet(my fiancee is very ticklish). The weirdest of all was that my fiancee didn't look like

she wasn't enjoying but rather embracing the laughter. I felt very awkward and sick!!! I wanted to storm and break that guys neck ( I could probably do it in one hand) . He stopped as soon as a walked in and they both felt

embraced ( particularly him...I would say a little scared too). My fiancee acted like it was no big deal . Later in the day I felt sick ...I kept having the image in my head.

 

I decided to talk to my fiancee about it and explain to her that this has bothered me a lot!. She was really surprised that bothered me so much and said "he was just tickling my feet" . I continued and reversed the roles and told her, what if I have done the same to another girl. I could tell that She didn't like that. She accepted it but I think that she still thinks it wasn't a big deal...I think she liked it and that kills me!!

 

Please, can anyone give me an advice ? Am I overreacting? Has anyone else had a similar experience with a partner? I think that kind of tickling/behaviour is really crossing boundaries.

 

I really love her whilst she is very good and serious...never done anything like this before!

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Wow. With all the problems in the world and with all the problems you can have in a relationship, this bothers you? Having your girlfriend's feet tickled? The guy's been holding her foot for probably a half hour while he tattooed it, but tickling her feet bothered you? It's probably something he does to get his client's pain to go away for a brief minute. Get over it! What are you going to do when you experience a real crisis?

 

Do you have jealousy issues? What else have you two argued about? You've only described the relationship as "very pleasant." Your girlfriend probably won't like hearing that you describe it as "pleasant."

 

Anyways, stop overreacting and being overly possessive. It wasn't a big deal and deal with it.

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Hello DanZee,

 

Thank you for taking the time to reply to me.

 

Firstly, I did not come to this forum with the impression that I was right...I came for advice because I am confused whilst I am willing to see my error.

No, we argue for random things , we both love each other...in fact , I would say that she is more of the jealous in the relationship.

 

I am not possessive at all.

 

I'm trying to find out based on other peoples views and experiences why it bothered me so much.

 

Holding both her feet and tickling her like that?? I really don't think he does it to everyone...I thought it was inappropriate...have you ever seen a tattoo artist tickling his

female clients feet?? It's called professionalism . You simply don't engage like to that level with your client.

 

Any how what bothered me most, was her reaction as she appeared to have fun with it...and knowing her to be super ticklish...I found it strange...and it bothered me a lot .

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You're entitled to feel upset about the situation.

 

Posting it under infidelity like you caught her with her legs propped open is a bit much.

 

I think that's the difference. You can find her actions inappropriate and speak with her about it, I don't think it's a good idea to treat her as if she cheated though.

 

As to the reason you feel this way, you know yourself more than we do, I'd guess insecurity, but I wasn't there so I don't know how inappropriate it actually was.

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You had a moment of jealousy which is normal. The situation is over with now, you've talked to her about your feelings and I'm sure she will think twice before allowing that sort of thing again now that she knows You DO think it's a big deal.

 

I appreciate that you have replied to this. Yourself, being a female, can give a reality from a different angle.

I wonder how would you feel or react if that had happened to you. Perhaps I am overreacting.

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I presume you meant to type "embarrassed"...

"He stopped as soon as a walked in and they both felt

embraced"

 

This is not infidelity.

 

I hope you're not going to get jealous every time she enjoys some kind of interaction with a man who's not you.

 

Thank you for the correction . Indeed, what I meant was embarrassed and not embraced.

 

Well, I see your point...however , I don't class that as "some kind of interaction". Allow yourself to be in my shies for a moment. Seeing your partner in that situation that I have described . How would you feel?

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I wouldn't label this as "infidelity," however I would question why he felt comfortable enough to tickle her feet.

 

In short, I'd call it "inappropriate."

 

Thank you for your reply.

 

I totally agree with you. I was sad and frustrated and I didn't pay attention which section I chose to post to.

 

He felt comfortable cause he is the entitled pr*ck kind of guy. You know, the ones that have a couple of drinks in a bar and get on every girls face .

 

I don't really care about him. It's the way my partner reacted to that bothered me.

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Either he's creepy/unprofessional or you witnessed a level of familiarity you were previously unaware of.

 

Are you getting married soon?

 

Thank you for your reply. The plan is for next year.

 

She is not close friends with him, that I know. Hence is why I was shocked.

 

But either way...what sort of friend does that? Holding both her feet with one arm and tickling them non stop.

I agree about the creepy.

 

My partner has been overly tactile with me since the "incident" . Perhaps because I am distant (not on purpose). Or maybe she realised she was unconsidered of my feelings.

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My guess she was most likely relieved when you broke it up.

 

Move on.

 

You think so? She didn't look as if she was trying to escape or something. I know her well, she can faint from laughter if she gets tickled there.

 

Now I'm wondering whether you're right and he was forcing it...that makes me even more angry now.

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Buddy, let's just take a breath here. I mean that literally: inhale, exhale...inhale, exhale...

 

I get that it wasn't a fun thing to walk in on—bummer, that. But your didn't catch her in an orgy. That she asked you to come along is reason enough to trust that she has no ill intentions here.

 

You say Mr. Tattoo is a cocky dude. Kind makes sense that a Cocky Tattoo Dude might tickle a client's feet to put them at ease. And getting a tattoo is vulnerable, kind of intimate, and painful—so, hey, maybe your fiancé was okay with a dumb little giggle moment.

 

You say you're not possessive, not jealous, but your reaction here strikes me as a bit of both of those things. Maybe just chalk it up to an unfortunate 30 seconds of your life (a rating of .00003 on the unfortunate scale), have a roll in the hay with the lady, and move forward?

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Buddy, let's just take a breath here. I mean that literally: inhale, exhale...inhale, exhale...

 

I get that it wasn't a fun thing to walk in on—bummer, that. But your didn't catch her in an orgy. That she asked you to come along is reason enough to trust that she has no ill intentions here.

 

You say Mr. Tattoo is a cocky dude. Kind makes sense that a Cocky Tattoo Dude might tickle a client's feet to put them at ease. And getting a tattoo is vulnerable, kind of intimate, and painful—so, hey, maybe your fiancé was okay with a dumb little giggle moment.

 

You say you're not possessive, not jealous, but your reaction here strikes me as a bit of both of those things. Maybe just chalk it up to an unfortunate 30 seconds of your life (a rating of .00003 on the unfortunate scale), have a roll in the hay with the lady, and move forward?

 

Hi bluecastle,

 

I appreciate your point of view. Believe it or not I am not the jealous or possessive kind of guy.

Like I have mentioned before, it is my partner that gets kind of jealous as I get a lot of attention from

women. I also work with a lot of women , some of them very attractive , although I have never even thought

of infidelity , both for me or my partner.

 

I wan't to redefine something here. I don't think she was going to cheat, or want to cheat...or even like the dude. Although I am bothered by the whole thing, I do wan't to figure things about myself too.

 

This is a new feeling for me...I have never felt this before. I have never, ever been jealous ...never knew what it feels like. Perhaps is the reason why I might be overreacting a little.

 

"You say Mr. Tattoo is a cocky dude. Kind makes sense that a Cocky Tattoo Dude might tickle a client's feet to put them at ease. And getting a tattoo is vulnerable, kind of intimate, and painful—so, hey, maybe your fiancé was okay with a dumb little giggle moment."

 

I don't think that tattoo artist have the tendency of tickling their female clients feet..I have never heard that method before...especially at that level .

It wasn't just a giggle...she was laughing her head off whilst he kept going having secured both her feet with his one arm.

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You need to calm the heck down. You say you aren't possessive or jealous, but this? This is possessive as hell. They weren't kissing or having sex, he tickled her feet for crying out loud. I tickle my two year old. Tickling is not an act of intimacy unless it involves a feather, lingerie, and a heck of a lot of lube.

 

Tattoos are painful and they can be stressful. I passed out the first time I got a tattoo DURING that tattoo (apparently that's fairly common). He could have been trying to break the ice and get her comfortable in a way he knew would work. You call call that unprofessional if you want, but you aren't in his business and if the action was not considered inappropriate by her, then I don't see anything wrong with it.

 

For me, I hate my feet being touched so I wouldn't be getting a tattoo there to begin with. I especially hate my feet being tickled so that would never be something I would agree to, but clearly she did or he wouldn't have done it.

 

She isn't your property and if you have a problem with HER boundaries you need to take it up with her (though frankly you are probably going to come off as a jealous controlling boyfriend so that one is on you if you do)

 

Good luck.

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You need to calm the heck down. You say you aren't possessive or jealous, but this? This is possessive as hell. They weren't kissing or having sex, he tickled her feet for crying out loud. I tickle my two year old. Tickling is not an act of intimacy unless it involves a feather, lingerie, and a heck of a lot of lube.

 

Tattoos are painful and they can be stressful. I passed out the first time I got a tattoo DURING that tattoo (apparently that's fairly common). He could have been trying to break the ice and get her comfortable in a way he knew would work. You call call that unprofessional if you want, but you aren't in his business and if the action was not considered inappropriate by her, then I don't see anything wrong with it.

 

For me, I hate my feet being touched so I wouldn't be getting a tattoo there to begin with. I especially hate my feet being tickled so that would never be something I would agree to, but clearly she did or he wouldn't have done it.

 

She isn't your property and if you have a problem with HER boundaries you need to take it up with her (though frankly you are probably going to come off as a jealous controlling boyfriend so that one is on you if you do)

 

Good luck.

 

Thank you for your reply...although I feel you're being unfair. Any guy would be bothered by it. I take it that you haven't read my previous replies and chose to be one dimensional about how I come across as a "jealous and controlling partner."

 

Like I said before, I have never, ever felt jealous before in my life...its a new feeling. Unlike my partner which she can be pretty jealous. Please, try to have some empathy as opposed to an emotional, (almost angry) reply.

 

I recommend you read my previous reply as I feel you come across bias and influenced by your own experiences/views....you're not being neutral or helpful but rather judgemental .

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Hello,

 

I am starting this thread as I am trying to find a way to deal with my problem.

 

A little back story. I have been with my fiancée for about 5 years now ( engaged for 1 ). We have a very pleasant relationship, with the ups and downs , but in overall really good.

Recently , my fiancée wanted to get a tattoo on her foot. I obviously didn't think it was a big deal . She wanted to write some spiritual, life motivating quote.

 

She has been looking to get this tattoo for a few months now but couldn't find the right design. Now fiancée has a friend ( she knows him before we met) that is a tattoo artist.

I don't really like the guy but recently he opened a tattoo shop around the area so she decided to have her tattoo there. I wasn't super excited about the idea (he is very cocky and rude)

but she told me to go with her.

 

Long story short, we arrived at the tattoo place and she was on the process of having the tattoo. I was looking around the place when suddenly I heard uncontrollable laughter from the studio where my

fiancee was having the tattoo. I walked inside and I saw him holding my fiancees feet (both) with one arm and was tickling her feet(my fiancee is very ticklish). The weirdest of all was that my fiancee didn't look like

she wasn't enjoying but rather embracing the laughter. I felt very awkward and sick!!! I wanted to storm and break that guys neck ( I could probably do it in one hand) . He stopped as soon as a walked in and they both felt

embraced ( particularly him...I would say a little scared too). My fiancee acted like it was no big deal . Later in the day I felt sick ...I kept having the image in my head.

 

I decided to talk to my fiancee about it and explain to her that this has bothered me a lot!. She was really surprised that bothered me so much and said "he was just tickling my feet" . I continued and reversed the roles and told her, what if I have done the same to another girl. I could tell that She didn't like that. She accepted it but I think that she still thinks it wasn't a big deal...I think she liked it and that kills me!!

 

Please, can anyone give me an advice ? Am I overreacting? Has anyone else had a similar experience with a partner? I think that kind of tickling/behaviour is really crossing boundaries.

 

I really love her whilst she is very good and serious...never done anything like this before!

 

Unlike most of the people that have replied, kind of see your point. It would also bother me.

 

But I read all your replies and you mentioned that you get a lot of attention from other women.

Have you thought about what sort of effect has that on your partner? Could this be maybe some sort of

a reminder that she also gets attention from men...maybe she did it subconsciously.

I'm not gonna get in the conclusion that you're possessive ...but you should definitely try to rationalise.

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It didn't feel good, she understood, it was an isolated situation, and its all over now.

 

It didn't feel good, but that doesn't make it infidelity of the WRONG sort. It was a boundary crossed, yes. He crossed it. She went with it. Sorry for my language - but that's complicated to understand. He may have been reducing tension before starting with the needle. She too was likely uncomfortable and a bit nervous and awkward- her instincts were off.

 

Avoid labeling it, and let it go. You know she has no interest in being with someone else.

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You're assuming I haven't read the rest of the thread. I have, and the more I read, the more jealous and possessive you sound. No, "anyone" would not be bothered by this. My husband wouldn't give a single thought to a tattoo artist tickling my feet unless I was bothered by it myself or it violated my boundaries.

 

Regardless, it's not up to him to decide what I'm comfortable with and and not comfortable with. As long as I'm not violating the boundaries of our relationship which frankly if you see tickling as cheating then you need to find someone whose definition of the term is as ridiculous as yours.

 

This bothered you. YOU. Not her. You need to make peace with it because this is your problem, not hers. She did nothing wrong. And if you insist on seeing it as cheating, you should probably break up with her and spare her the drama. Whether you think you are or not, you are sounding like a pretty jealous boyfriend.

 

You can continue to label anyone who disagrees with you as judgemental, or you could aknowledge the idea that maybe the problem is you.

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You're assuming I haven't read the rest of the thread. I have, and the more I read, the more jealous and possessive you sound. No, "anyone" would not be bothered by this. My husband wouldn't give a single thought to a tattoo artist tickling my feet unless I was bothered by it myself or it violated my boundaries.

 

Regardless, it's not up to him to decide what I'm comfortable with and and not comfortable with. As long as I'm not violating the boundaries of our relationship which frankly if you see tickling as cheating then you need to find someone whose definition of the term is as ridiculous as yours.

 

This bothered you. YOU. Not her. You need to make peace with it because this is your problem, not hers. She did nothing wrong. And if you insist on seeing it as cheating, you should probably break up with her and spare her the drama. Whether you think you are or not, you are sounding like a pretty jealous boyfriend.

 

You can continue to label anyone who disagrees with you as judgemental, or you could aknowledge the idea that maybe the problem is you.

 

I have to admit that you where a little judgemental. I mean you didn't simply disagree.

Also, you confirming what he said about personal experiences as you compare your relationship with his. Your boundaries might be different from other people. You do fail to empathise and you go straight on attack mode. Although I don't see exactly how this was a big issue for him...I try to understand his point. I personally don't think you're helping. This forum is about support, not bashing each other.

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