Anyone smart enough to explain this?

Hey,

I've experienced something that left me totally puzzled (and in pain too) recently. A little background: we've been together for almost 7 years, saying it's been on and off relationship is not an exaggeration but my view was that we learnt and definitely made progress. The last couple of months were really good in my opinion. We made some plans. She was kissing, telling me she appreciates how much I care, telling she loves me. She was meeting my son (from older relationship) on regular basis and they were doing good (it wasn't always easy in the past). Even our parents met and started spending time together which was nice. We got a beautiful old car she'd always dreamt of and she bought a new house in a district we both fell in love with - the house we chose together. There was a hope that we'd live there together although we were a little afraid, too so we didn't commit to it.

I used to spend my summers with my son at the sea in a camper which used to be painful for her in the past (she never really liked going there and it was uncomfortable for my boy too). So this year I shortened my stay to one month during which we met at least four times, spending couple of days some place else, having good time. I really wanted her to feel that I care. Recently we had one argument during a party - I drank too much perhaps, felt she didn't give me enough attention that night. I said I was sorry. She seemed to be ok with it on the next day.

Last week we were supposed to meet and spend couple of days in a beautiful hotel. She came to the town, the surroundings were amazing and so was the weather. I couldn't wait to see her but the first minute I saw her I felt something wasn't quite right. We had some prosecco and talked. She said she wanted to break up. Said she didn't feel it anymore. Began blaming me being away, not caring enough. Brought back painful memories from as far as five years ago, the memories I was sure were long gone. She had a long list of what I did wrong, some things were valid and I acknowledged trying to explain my motivation, most of them ridiculous, though. She even dared to claim that I said something incorrect a while ago while it was her saying it and I was able to prove it. Then she said she started thinking about her ex all of a sudden. Let me add that she broke with him some 15 years ago. I was devastated. It was so unexpected. The night was very painful. I couldn't believe this was happening and asked her to re-think her decision. Offered to give her couple of weeks of no- or very limited contact to not interfere with whatever she was going through. She agreed. I wanted to leave first thing in the morning. Then even more unexpected happened. She said we should stay and spend the days we planned in that place. I said ok, why not.

The next five days were amazing. We had such a good time. Admired the nature, talked about issues without any hostile feelings. She said I'm amazing, one of a kind, reviewed old pictures of me in her phone. We laughed, kissed, touched, had great sex. She left home and I promised to live up to my word of not contacting her with the exception of her birthday (which we both agreed on). She said she was sorry for what happened on that first night but confirmed she needs time. It's been three days of no-contact now and I'm devastated. The pain is unbearable sometimes, nights are utter horror but for some reason I want to feel it. I don't know where it's leading me. I'm afraid I may not be able to take a risk of getting through it again once the pain is over. On the other hand I love her very so it's possible that I'm thinking this way to protect myself. Totally confused. If anyone has the slightest idea of what's going on here please share your thoughts. Was this just a very bizarre break-up, fake-up or have we gone crazy?

Thanks

It sounds like you have a lot of insight into what happened from the drinking, to the on/off, to being away too much, etc. It sounds like she's in a place now where she wants a stable future.

Thanks for your input. Why this is happening when we seemed to stabilize remains a mystery to me, though. Will probably try even harder to make her feel I can give it (unless she comes to the conclusion she needs to move on)

Should I stick to no contact? It's usually the recommended strategy after a breakup but... was it a breakup?! I don't want her to feel I don't care.

What stood out the most here to me was that in the midst of all of this, she's suddenly thinking of an ex from 15 years ago.

It sounds like he's back in her orbit. Is that a possibility?

It sounds like the on/off dynamic has simply taken a toll—on both of you. For all the connection you have, there's a lot of history, a lot of pain, and more instability than stability.

The thing about getting back together with someone is that you really have to be able to let go of the past, whether you were apart for a week or a decade. And also, weird as it may sound, you have to kind of let go of the future too. You want to be good in the present, and let it expand, which is how healthy relationships work: the present just kind of...becomes the future, rather than something to tolerate en route to rainbows and roses (or, in your case, an old car and cute house).

She clearly has a lot of resentment. It comes up in big waves, detaching her from the present. That sucks. But it's not your fault, or hers—it's your history, and maybe one you just can't quite reconcile with together. When you offer space, when you remove the label, the big hopes of future everything, she calms down—hence the hanging, the laughing, the great sex. With the high stakes removed, you can enjoy yourselves again. But the stakes are still there, and always will me—too much history to pretend otherwise.

So give her some real space right now. But equally important: take this space for you too. Think. Feel. Don't sit around waiting for some epiphany on her part—that will just keep the same pressure around that's already putting too much weight on this whole thing. Reflect, ruminate.

If you guys are going to make this work it's because you both want it, and are both able to let go of the past. Therapy can help with that, and sounds like a must to sort through this baggage. But that's a long haul, a hard haul, and if it's not one she's up for you can't force it.

What stood out the most here to me was that in the midst of all of this, she's suddenly thinking of an ex from 15 years ago.

 

It sounds like he's back in her orbit. Is that a possibility?

Also: yes, this.

Not a great sign if he's back in orbit, for obvious reasons. But not a great sign regardless, in that it shows she's having a lot of trouble just being present. She's searching for stability, and it's not uncommon to idealize a past relationship during those moments. She's flailing a bit, in other words, and sadly it's not for you to stop that. She will, or she won't, and if you try to be the guiding hand she'll just be annoyed.

Thank you so much. Very valuable feedback.

On again, off again relationships never work because one or both of you don't care enough to stay together and pull out all the stops to make it work. History often repeats itself. Since she's the one bailing now, I'm going to guess that she's the one who keeps exiting and you're the one who keeps letting the boomerang return.

As the saying goes, when the past comes calling, don't answer. It has nothing new to say. Obviously, your belief that you've each learned and progressed after every break up has cemented the relationship is wrong. Stop this broken cycle for good. This time, stay no contact forever and block her number and erase her from social media. Yes, you love her, but it takes more than love to have a successful relationship. With time and distance, one day you will meet the woman who is right for you and think, "Oh, this is how it's supposed to be!" Take care.

When you're on and off with someone its natures way of telling you that you're with the wrong person.

Yeah, it's not that you had too much to drink one time and had an argument. You have to look at your relationship's entire history. Why has it been off and on all this time? What are you doing? What is she doing? What are the issues involved? Is someone dealing with depression or anxiety issues?

I just read through some of your previous posts, and this is almost an exact replay of what happened in 2016 and 2015. (In 2014, you broke up with her.) It's just history repeating itself, and you really shouldn't be confused about it by now. But you do need to address what is wrong in the relationship. Are you arguing? Who wants who to do what? You said she is thinking of her ex, but you mentioned you tried to get back with your ex.

I just fear you're not addressing what's really wrong. What is the bigger issue? Does she want you to propose and you haven't? Is she still pining for her ex 15 years later? You've got to think about why the two of you keep splitting apart and then get back together. And whether you want to keep doing this.

Thank you very much DanZee for spending your time analyzing my case (including the history of my forum activity). I greatly appreciate. You're amazing.

I've been thinking about a lot about underlying issues. Taking long exhaustive walks these days and meditating seems to reveal something which I don't know is the core issue but at least it's something new I haven't been fully aware of. I realized I may be more in the past than she is, actually. I realized my attitude is very controlling and manipulative. I know this is what's killing us. This includes outbursts of jealousy, expressing intellectual superiority, fighting over little things to prove my dominance, problems with controlling anger (not too extreme but anyway). The reason may be the combination of my narcissist mother, my early unhappy love trauma, the rebound relationship she once had and, last but not least, my personality traits. No matter what the cause is I honestly realized what I've been doing was trying to avoid the pain by all means. Think such label can be attached to my entire life. I've never been able to accept that she had the right to leave and as a result I'm suffocating her in this relationship. I've never been able to give her space when she asked. Whenever she was bailing I was coming up with tricks, getting our friends involved hoping they'd convince her, inventing subtle manipulations, creating heart-breaking romantic descriptions of how big my love was... always been too good at writing (not in English though). She told me many times that whenever a crisis comes I tend to escape to some safe location. When I asked what she meant she found it difficult to describe, though. I did not understand that until now. She told me that the progress in our relationship was clocked by fear (of loosing her). Damn, she's been through a lot of pain.

Maybe that's because I'm feeling way stronger now (used to suffer from depression in the past) that I decided to live with the pain of the break-up this time. I won't try to avoid it anymore. Will give her all the space she needs. I don't know where it's gonna lead me but it makes me feel stronger and I view it as a win-win situation. It makes the pain bearable. Not less severe but bearable. I may either come to terms with the fact she's gone for good or accept her as an independent person who can leave anytime which hopefully can have some positive aspect on our relationship.

Addressing your thoughts - no, I don't think she's into that guys she was with 15 years ago. Just my feeling, of course but I'm pretty convinced.

Speaking about her wanting me to propose. She's always been against (even saying that her previous partner chased her out when he did it) but I'm not sure she's quite honest (or could have grown up). Actually, I think she wants that but is too afraid to reveal it. She views herself as an independent person (she's an artist) that doesn't see any value in it. From my side, I've always felt reluctant to do it (including my previous relationship, even when our beautiful boy was born). This doesn't really fit into this avoiding-the-pain manipulative picture. All in all getting married could become pretty powerful tool for controlling her. I don't know. I feel it's got something to do with my depressive personality, immaturity and the inability to accept the evanescence. Have I always wanted to keep the options open? This is the good topic to think over during todays walk.

Once again I appreciate. You help me so much.