Feeling disconnected from spouse

I’m feeling very conflicted about the future of my marriage and could use some advice...

 

We’ve been together for almost 8 years, and married for 4. The first 4-5 years were great! We were so happy, and were always moving forward and making plans for the future. There were stressful things we dealt with, loss of family members, illnesses, etc, but we were able to work through them together.

 

Less than a year after being married, things started to change. My husband has severe anxiety, and although it was something I was able to tolerate in the past, I was slowly starting to lose my patience due to the symptoms of his anxiety becoming worse, and his inability, or unwillingness, to work on it.

 

For the past 3-4 years, I have been feeling incredibly lonely, and unhappy. Due to his anxiety, he avoids going in the car with me and often avoids going out altogether. If I want to do something outside of the house (movies, vacations, events) he would either make up excuses to get out of going, tell me to go with someone else, or if he did give in and decide to go, we would have to take separate cars. We have argued over this exact issue so many times, usually ending in me crying and not wanting to go to whatever event it was cause I was too upset, and he would promise to try harder to become more comfortable with going out together, but I would see no significant change.

 

As the years have gone by, I have gotten used to not doing things together and often make plans assuming he isn’t going. And over time it’s become harder and harder to imagine a future with children with him because I don’t think he can handle it since he hasn’t worked on his anxiety issues at all. And despite me actually voicing my concerns about this, he still didn’t act upon it. And so resentment and disconnect has grown between us.

 

Recently we began couples therapy and i finally broke down and explained that I was unhappy and was really not confident in our relationship and our future anymore. He was hurt and acted surprised, which annoyed me because I had been telling him this for years! He has since been making an effort, but it’s starting to feel like too little too late. He’s such a good person, and I do love him so much and can’t imagine us not being together, but I it feels less like romantic love and more like friendship love at this point.

 

I want to try to make things work, but I don’t know how to check back in after being checked out for so long. And I’m also stressed because I really want to have children, and since I am 36 I feel like the window is closing and if this relationship does not improve then I will have to start over with someone new, and the thought of that is so sad and overwhelming.

I'm confused about the car thing. Will he get in the car with you if he drives? I just need some clarity on that one.

 

You have invested almost 8 years of your life with this man that's not time you just throw away without really being 100% sure you are out.

 

Does he have a job? How is your love life? The fact that he is willing to go to therapy is really good, it means he wants so salvage what you have and he wouldn't be going if he didn't love you.

 

Please don't feel like your window to have kids is closing. My sister in law was 40 when she had her first child and 45 when she had her second. You have plenty of time. Work on your marriage and try to see if you can find that spark again. I honestly hope you do because the grass is not always greener on the other side!

Well, I think you should probably end the relationship now so you can find someone to start a family with. I think it's too late for criticism, but I would say that if you knew your husband had severe anxiety issues, why were you arguing with him and crying? It's like arguing with a crippled person about why aren't they walking. Walk, damn you, walk! You weren't going to cure him by yelling at him. Anxiety is a handicap just like being crippled and you should have figured out other things he could do. Maybe you could have taken an Uber to the movies or a restaurant, depending upon what his transportation issue is. I didn't go on vacation for 9 years because I had a severely epileptic dog and I let my wife go off on vacations with her friends. I didn't argue with her about going off on vacation. I knew being with her friends was important. You certainly could have gone off on vacation with your friends and do other things on your own. Of course, by arguing with him, he shut down and then you shut down and you got to the place you are now.

 

So certainly, he should have sought help for his anxiety, but it seems you didn't help him much. So end it now and move on.

For many, if not most men, the "paper" changes everything. It's trophy won, I can let my hair down.

You laying it all out there is the first step. It should push him out of the neglect stage.

 

Your new feelings are typical.

Don't let them sway you from your goals with him.

Sorry to hear this. It doesn't sound like anxiety or some illness you can fix or treat. He seemed to navigate all the other issues and works and has friends and acted normal during dating, no? It sounds like complacency and laziness.

 

Is he having affairs? Is he hoping you do your own thing so he has a lot of time alone? What's up with separate cars? Is there somewhere else he wants to go or needs time in his car alone to make calls?

 

It sounds like he checked out as soon as you were married. You could continue, but adding children to this will further the divide, and your loneliness and despair even more.

Less than a year after being married, things started to change. He was hurt and acted surprised, which annoyed me because I had been telling him this for years

Your husband needs professional help and treatment.

Thanks for all the advice so far.

 

The car thing has always been an issue. He does not like going in the car with anyone, and will make up any excuse to get out of having to drive with someone else. On the rare occasion that he has driven somewhere with me, he has the be the one driving, so Uber would not work for us. Part of the reason that he refuses to drive is that once his anxiety is triggered, it goes straight to his stomach and he has to use the bathroom. I explained that I could be patient as he worked through this, but that I wouldn’t bring children into this relationship while this was still an issue. And at that point we were still going out and doing things, even if we were taking our own cars, so sitting back and allowing him the time to work on it at his own pace seemed reasonable at that time.

 

It seemed like once we were married, he completely stopped making an effort to push himself to go in the car together, or to even go out together at all. He promised to work on it by seeing a therapist and seeing a dr for the stomach issues, and would go a few times but then wouldn’t keep up with it. I guess what makes me sad is that he is able to hold down a full time job, and he does go out with his friends sometimes, although not that often anymore. So I know he can push through it if he feels like he has to, I just don’t know why he doesnt feel like he has to with me. And our love life hasn’t been that great for a while now. For the last year, possibly longer, we are only intimate about once a month. He still wants it, but I just don’t have the desire anymore. I think that after feeling emotionally disconnected for so long, I just became turned off to it. He yelled at me about it before and will get angry if he tries to initiate and I say im not in the mood. But I’ve explained that if I’m not in the mood and go along with it anyway, that it is both unfulfilling for me and physically uncomfortable.

 

It makes me sad and a little angry that all the times over the years that I’ve told him I wasn’t happy and wasn’t confident in our future did not prompt him to make changes. Why did he have to wait until I said that Ive checked out and feel like we’re roommates to finally make an effort??? In my mind, it should have been clear to him years ago that these issues needed to be addressed. Now he’s asking what I need him to do to, but I don’t even know what it will take at this point to make me feel connected again. I feel like either he’ll make changes that I can see, and I’ll start to feel connected again, or he’ll let me down when I need him to be there for me and/or go somewhere with me, and it’ll be the last straw. I feel like I have no control over this and just have to wait and see what happens.

I'm still a bit confused about the car thing.

 

You say he refuses to drive once his anxiety is triggered, yet he holds down a full time job. But he won't take other modes of transportation. How does he get to work?

 

You say you're in marriage counseling. Has he seen a therapist privately? A psychiatrist? Has he been diagnosed with anxiety, or is that what he says he has? There are treatments and medications that can help, but he has to be properly diagnosed.

Unfortunately it sounds like he's gaslighting you so he can do whatever he wants and simply avoid whatever you want to do. It sounds like he's having affairs.

It seemed like once we were married, he completely stopped making an effort to push himself to go in the car together, or to even go out together at all.

 

he is able to hold down a full time job, and he does go out with his friends sometimes.

 

For the last year, possibly longer, we are only intimate about once a month.

I'd say it's ultimatum time: Either he gets himself into therapy and on the proper medication that will ease his anxiety and he starts being a partner or you leave.

 

He has you locked down in a partnerless marriage that restricts you from enjoying everything that a pair should be enjoying together and due to your vows, stops you from enjoying everything a single person could be enjoying.

 

Do NOT enable him a moment longer to be the apathetic, disinterested and uninvolved man that he has become. If you stay with him and allow this separate life then you are, in fact, allowing him to never have to deal with his crap.

 

I doubt very much he's having affairs. He's just to anxious to socialize and he needs his own car so he can flee should he feel engulfed or overwhelmed. He needs therapy and proper medication to ease his anxiety and to learn tools in how to cope.

I'm still a bit confused about the car thing.

 

You say he refuses to drive once his anxiety is triggered, yet he holds down a full time job. But he won't take other modes of transportation. How does he get to work?

 

You say you're in marriage counseling. Has he seen a therapist privately? A psychiatrist? Has he been diagnosed with anxiety, or is that what he says he has? There are treatments and medications that can help, but he has to be properly diagnosed.

 

He will drive in is own car by himself. It’s having to drive with someone else that triggers anxiety.

 

He had been to a therapist on and off over the years. He was prescribed medication for anxiety, but would convince himself that he was having side effects and stop taking it. He currently is not on anything, but does have a prescription for a prn. He said he will start seeing a therapist again now, but hasn’t scheduled anything yet

I'd say it's ultimatum time: Either he gets himself into therapy and on the proper medication that will ease his anxiety and he starts being a partner or you leave.

 

He has you locked down in a partnerless marriage that restricts you from enjoying everything that a pair should be enjoying together and due to your vows, stops you from enjoying everything a single person could be enjoying.

 

Do NOT enable him a moment longer to be the apathetic, disinterested and uninvolved man that he has become. If you stay with him and allow this separate life then you are, in fact, allowing him to never have to deal with his crap.

 

I doubt very much he's having affairs. He's just to anxious to socialize and he needs his own car so he can flee should he feel engulfed or overwhelmed. He needs therapy and proper medication to ease his anxiety and to learn tools in how to cope.

 

You hit the nail on the head with this!

 

ItÂ’s like I have to make plans without him, as if I am a single/unattached person, but also need to be respectful of my marriage. IÂ’ve missed out on several trips and events due to this, because I felt it would be awkward to go without him. And I also have social anxiety that I am trying to work through, but my issues have always taken a back seat to his. And I know that just sitting around the house and not going out is only adding to my own anxiety. I have been trying to push myself to go out more, but I feel like I’m moving forward without him.

 

I know he isnÂ’t having an affair because he really only leaves the house to go to work. And you are 100% correct on why he needs to have if own car if he goes somewhere; in case he needs to escape.

 

He was on medication for anxiety once, but decided he didnÂ’t like it and went off. He wasnÂ’t on it long enough for me to notice a change. And he was more recently prescribed something, but took it once and decided it made him feel weird.

You hit the nail on the head with this!

 

ItÂ’s like I have to make plans without him, as if I am a single/unattached person, but also need to be respectful of my marriage. IÂ’ve missed out on several trips and events due to this, because I felt it would be awkward to go without him. And I also have social anxiety that I am trying to work through, but my issues have always taken a back seat to his. And I know that just sitting around the house and not going out is only adding to my own anxiety. I have been trying to push myself to go out more, but I feel like I’m moving forward without him.

 

I know he isnÂ’t having an affair because he really only leaves the house to go to work. And you are 100% correct on why he needs to have if own car if he goes somewhere; in case he needs to escape.

 

He was on medication for anxiety once, but decided he didnÂ’t like it and went off. He wasnÂ’t on it long enough for me to notice a change. And he was more recently prescribed something, but took it once and decided it made him feel weird.

 

It looks like he needs to go back to his doctor and tell his doctor that what he's been trying isn't working for him. He probably needs something mild (like Oxazepam) or a lesser strength of what he's already tried.

 

There are also support groups and / or group therapy (that is less expensive then personal therapy) that will help him with strategies to overcome and/or ride out his panic attacks.

 

I would be giving him a time line to get his **** together and get himself suitably medicated and in group or personal therapy again so that he can become the partner that a married man should be and if he doesn't get proactive, then I'd stop enabling him not to have to do a thing and I'd leave him to his hermit-esk like existence.

 

Don't enable him to be who he is by staying there and pandering to him. He needs to do something and when he starts to put in effort to be a good husband again, it's more likely that you will get back your emotional connection to him and him to you for that matter.

It looks like he needs to go back to his doctor and tell his doctor that what he's been trying isn't working for him. He probably needs something mild (like Oxazepam) or a lesser strength of what he's already tried.

 

There are also support groups and / or group therapy (that is less expensive then personal therapy) that will help him with strategies to overcome and/or ride out his panic attacks.

 

I would be giving him a time line to get his **** together and get himself suitably medicated and in group or personal therapy again so that he can become the partner that a married man should be and if he doesn't get proactive, then I'd stop enabling him not to have to do a thing and I'd leave him to his hermit-esk like existence.

 

Don't enable him to be who he is by staying there and pandering to him. He needs to do something and when he starts to put in effort to be a good husband again, it's more likely that you will get back your emotional connection to him and him to you for that matter.

 

Thanks for understanding, and for the advice!

I guess I just need to wait and see what heÂ’s willing to do to make things work, and I need to have a timeline in mind for how much longer I can wait for things to change.

 

I do agree that my enabling, and making excuses for him, has just allowed him to continue to let his anxiety control our relationship. I thought that giving him space and time to work on it would help him get through it without being nagged or pressured, but it seems to have just given him a free pass to not address his issues. I cannot continue to require so little of him.

Why did he have to wait until I said that Ive checked out and feel like we’re roommates to finally make an effort???

 

Same reason it took you this long to say that.

 

You get to decide whether you'll nurse resentments or take action to either invest or go.

 

If you want to invest, then consider private therapy to work through your resentments and insist that he get private treatment for his anxiety and physical issues.

 

If he won't do that, then he basically makes your decision FOR you.

 

Another checklist item for me would be to meet with an attorney to learn my options should I choose to separate. What would be the steps for each option, what would be the risks, and what would be the most likely financial outcomes for each choice?

 

Then you'll have that information in your pocket so you won't feel pressured to make decisions based on emotional outcomes alone.

Thanks for understanding, and for the advice!

I guess I just need to wait and see what heÂ’s willing to do to make things work,

I'd be telling him what he needs to do for me to stay.

and I need to have a timeline in mind for how much longer I can wait for things to change.

Yes, agreed.

 

I do agree that my enabling, and making excuses for him, has just allowed him to continue to let his anxiety control our relationship. I thought that giving him space and time to work on it would help him get through it without being nagged or pressured, but it seems to have just given him a free pass to not address his issues. I cannot continue to require so little of him.

No, you can't. You're not happy and after discussing with him, in private wherein he just didn't listen and/or believe you and then in therapy where he was shocked into having to believe. So now he knows, make sure he has a time line and start getting your separation ducks in a row if he doesn't meet the timeline to get himself the help he needs... and continue on until he's making positive changes and can stick to that change.

It would be best to make private and confidential appointments with a therapist for yourself and an attorney. You can't just wait around hoping for change in this prison you call a marriage.

 

Perhaps a therapist can help guide you and bring insight to this. Why live an empty resentful life? Just because he has an illness doesn't mean you need to stay out of guilt or martyrdom. People leave hoarders, alcoholics and other untenable situations all the time. A therapist can help you overcome your guilt.

 

Don't make the mistake of repeated ultimatums and waiting around for a miraculous cure with no relapses. Don't worry about fixing him, changing him or start policing him to go to therapy take medication etc. That is the typical path partners of alcoholics take. They police, they beg, they suffer, etc etc. But it's really they who need to change. It will never work. The only person who you can change here is you.

It would be best to make private and confidential appointments with a therapist for yourself and an attorney. You can't just wait around hoping for change in this prison you call a marriage.

 

Perhaps a therapist can help guide you and bring insight to this. Why live an empty resentful life? Just because he has an illness doesn't mean you need to stay out of guilt or martyrdom. People leave hoarders, alcoholics and other untenable situations all the time. A therapist can help you overcome your guilt.

 

Don't make the mistake of repeated ultimatums and waiting around for a miraculous cure with no relapses. Don't worry about fixing him, changing him or start policing him to go to therapy take medication etc. That is the typical path partners of alcoholics take. They police, they beg, they suffer, etc etc. But it's really they who need to change. It will never work. The only person who you can change here is you.

 

Totally agree with this but only after she sees if he means what he says about getting his own help. According to the Op, he only actually realized that his illness was a problem so now he knows and out of the spirit of their vows, (in sickness and in health) she needs to give him the chance to do what he now realizes he has to do to keep her.

 

I agree that her own personal therapy will help her with not allowing him to cross boundaries and help her with any codependent issues.

Yes, I think I will seek out a therapist on my own. I did see a therapist for the first time for individual therapy about 2 months ago, but didn’t feel a good connection with her and would like to find someone new.

 

As for my husband, he has yet to set up an appointment with any doctor; mental or physical. Instead he has become over the top affectionate and attentive. He has been calling and texting a lot throughout the day, endless compliments, trying to hold hands, kiss, and touch all the time, and following me around the house while I cook, clean, or get ready for work. And I see that he’s trying, and I want to be open to it, but something about this is just very annoying to me. Yes, I did feel very lonely and ignored in the past, but the solution to that isn’t to smother me! I’m finding myself pulling back even more cause this just isn’t helping me feel connected again. I’m still not sure what it is that I need to feel better about things, but this is not it. Now right now, at least.

"I’m finding myself pulling back even more cause this just isn’t helping me feel connected again."

- Again, very normal for you to feel like this.

 

"I’m still not sure what it is that I need to feel better about things,.."

- Time, and more importantly, understanding.

 

A marriage is like a see-saw. It should be going up and down but sometimes one gets stuck holding the other in the air.

Many times force (fight, threat, affair etc.), jolts it back into movement, but the reverse occurs. (False empowerment)

 

Understanding this and allowing the new marriage to be born is a good thing.

Most times, you end up in a great marriage.

 

Great husbands a made, not found.

Let him manage his own health, appointments, therapy, etc. No one, except a judge, has the right to implore anyone to get any sort of treatment, so get off that track and stop asking. Instead seek your own therapy to guide, advise and help you navigate this.

 

It sounds like he doesn't know what normal looks like and he's overcompensating or exaggerating so he can go back to how it was. Tell him he's smothering you, then he can relax and go back to how it was before..

As for my husband, he has yet to set up an appointment with any doctor; mental or physical. Instead he has become over the top affectionate and attentive. He has been calling and texting a lot throughout the day, endless compliments, trying to hold hands, kiss, and touch all the time, and following me around the house while I cook, clean, or get ready for work. something about this is just very annoying to me.

Maybe it's a phobia he as around driving with others. Has it intensified since loosing family members in addition to making a commitment to you? (It may be the risk has increased exponentially in his eyes.) What about traveling separately and meeting at the destination, at least for starters, as a way to collaborate over a solution? Is he open to getting help?

Alexie, I'm so sorry that you're going through this. This must be incredibly hard, rethinking the future you had thought you would have. I just want to say that the window is not closing for you to have children. It's like, a really big slowly closing window that has just started to inch closed but it has years to go yet before it's really closing.

 

Have you two talked about having a family together, seriously? If he is going to be a father he needs to take control of his anxiety issues and find a way to manage them better. Others have said as much so far in this thread and I echo their sentiments that this is something you can support him in, but ultimately he has to do the most work on himself and take action.

 

I am wondering: what if you suggested to him a timeline and some specific actions for him and consequences? Like, suggesting that you will have to take a break from him and seriously consider moving out unless he commits to therapy and hard work on managing this anxiety. It might mean therapy and possibly medication for him for the rest of his life. How does he feel about that? How do you feel about that? Him smothering you with attention seems like a bandaide on this or a quick fix to placate you but you are recognizing that that will not solve the underlying problem.

 

Also, I know that sometimes people with mental instabilities will have ups and downs, relapses. They may make great progress only to slide back into old habits again. It doesn't mean they can't have families and careers and the whole full life package that others have. It does make things more unpredictable with regard to major life plans.

Maybe it's a phobia he as around driving with others. Has it intensified since loosing family members in addition to making a commitment to you? (It may be the risk has increased exponentially in his eyes.) What about traveling separately and meeting at the destination, at least for starters, as a way to collaborate over a solution? Is he open to getting help?

 

I think it is possible that losing family and getting married could have caused his anxiety to increase. But I have told him several times over the years that I felt this anxiety was getting worse and that I was having a harder time dealing with it, but he would always get mad and insist he was getting better. He’d say that he was mentally getting stronger, and feeling that he was getting over his issues, but I’d argue that if he’s not making progress that I can see, that it looks and feels like we’re moving backwards, not forwards.

 

If we do go somewhere, the few times that we do, we will take separate cars and meet at the destination. And I’ve allowed this to go on for our entire relationship and it’s getting old. I thought it was good to give him time to work through it without being pressured or nagged, but now it feels like I’ve just enabled him.

Alexie, I'm so sorry that you're going through this. This must be incredibly hard, rethinking the future you had thought you would have. I just want to say that the window is not closing for you to have children. It's like, a really big slowly closing window that has just started to inch closed but it has years to go yet before it's really closing.

 

Have you two talked about having a family together, seriously? If he is going to be a father he needs to take control of his anxiety issues and find a way to manage them better. Others have said as much so far in this thread and I echo their sentiments that this is something you can support him in, but ultimately he has to do the most work on himself and take action.

 

I am wondering: what if you suggested to him a timeline and some specific actions for him and consequences? Like, suggesting that you will have to take a break from him and seriously consider moving out unless he commits to therapy and hard work on managing this anxiety. It might mean therapy and possibly medication for him for the rest of his life. How does he feel about that? How do you feel about that? Him smothering you with attention seems like a bandaide on this or a quick fix to placate you but you are recognizing that that will not solve the underlying problem.

 

Also, I know that sometimes people with mental instabilities will have ups and downs, relapses. They may make great progress only to slide back into old habits again. It doesn't mean they can't have families and careers and the whole full life package that others have. It does make things more unpredictable with regard to major life plans.

 

Earlier in our relationship we spoke about buying a house and starting a family, but that was during the first 2-3 years, not recently. For the past few years I’ve told him several times that i will not start a family with him if he doesn’t get a handle on his issues. I won’t bring children into this situation. And I’ve also told him that it really scares me that it’s just us and our one bedroom apartment right now and that seems to be too much for him to handle, so how could we ever add the stress of a house and kids to this relationship. I feel like he hasn’t taken what I’ve said seriously and I’ve just continued to live with these concerns for years, which led to resentment and detachment...

 

I haven’t brought up a timeline yet. He asked if I had one during a recent argument, but it made me so sad to think of putting an expiration date on the marriage. I also feel like if I say 6 months, but then I’m not open to his efforts over that time that it’s not really fair.

 

Things have just been strange between us recently. I went on vacation for a week with family, and he chose to exclude himself, as he does every year. Usually he enjoys the time home without me, and I spend the trip feeling sad and missing him. But this year I felt like I needed the break from him, and he spent the whole trip calling and texting me, telling me how much he missed me and loved me, making me feel bad if I didn’t respond quickly enough. And instead of it making me feel loved or reconnected, it just annoyed me. I guess maybe it makes me mad that it took this long for him to start caring, or that it took things deteriorating this much? I want to be open to working on things, but I feel like I have a huge wall up now and I don’t know if I can let him back in.