Wife cancelled Christmas with my family

Hi folks. Would love some perspective from the community about something my wife did recently. It’s a really long story, but my wife dislikes my family and doesn’t enjoy spending time with them. They’re intense people, overwhelming, often negative, provide a lot of unsolicited advice, and a bit toxic at times. They can also be fun, kind, loving and very supportive. It’s very confusing. She’s never felt the kind side of them, and resents them for the way they have behaved towards us during our 6 year relationship and 4 year marriage. Over the years we’ve had to set firm boundaries, reduce visits and limit the number of hours we spend together when we see them. We live 4 hours apart my flight so we only see each other 2-3 times a year, and at my wife’s request, not on the holidays. Earlier this year we welcomed our first child. He is amazing and the light of our lives. I had hoped that his arrival would soften family relationships and heal things. My wife and I haven’t stayed under the same roof with my parents and sister for years. This was by design because it gave us distance. We just bought a house a month ago so we decided to invite them to stay with us for a few days. They flew in for a long weekend. Things went fine at first, but then devolved a bit. I had asked my mom to only bring a few gifts and toys for her grandson. Instead, she brings 2 suitcases filled with things. Angered by that, I tell her to leave one in the garage. My mother then proceeds to open up the second bag in the middle of our living room. Much to my disappointment there are far more than a few things. Way more than my wife and I were ok with. I was disappointed and mortified. I felt disrespected. And instead of speaking up sternly in the moment, I got soft and let her keep showing the gifts and pretended to like them. This really pissed my wife off because she felt as though my moms gesture was terrible, and my going along with it and expecting her to as well was a severe betrayal. Later that evening she tells me how disappointed she is in me. That she can’t trust me. She then tells me that the Xmas visit later this year to see them would have to be cancelled. Keep in mind that we are meeting my family at a resort in another state. All flights and hotels are already booked. She then proceeds to cancel our flights and hotel without asking me, and informs me about what she did. I am floored, and devastated. She now expects me to tell them that we’re not going to see them. She didn’t seem to think about their feelings and the money they have already invested. Am I wrong to think that this is a step way too far. The punishment doesn’t fit the crime. I feel like she didn’t want to go anyway and just needed an excuse to pull the trigger. Needless to say I don’t want to give the news to my family. They will be devastated and it will severely damage our already fragile relationship we’ve worked hard to make better. Why is she doing this? I know we’ve had our relationship challenges, but this feels downright cruel and insensitive to my parents who are in their 70’s and might not get to see their grandson that many more times. What do I do? I don’t want to tell my parents that we fought and my wife cancelled the trip. I also don’t want to lie and say a ‘work thing’ came up and we can’t come. None of these options are very good and this is not the outcome I wanted. I just don’t know what to do.

Too many gifts are the cause for a family rift? I don't get it.

Yes, I agree that your wife's reaction is a bit extreme. She has used your parents' last visit as the excuse she needed not to go to your family Christmas get together which I'm sure she was already dreading. Can you compromise and go for a shorter time? Are you both from the same ethnic background, do you have the same values when it comes to family, how is her relationship with her parents?

Also, did you honestly think your mother was ever going to listen to you? Both my mom and my mother in law don't listen to me. They think they know best! I'm lucky that I also live far away so I suck it up the short time they are visiting. Would it have been so hard to say thanks mom you shouldn't have done all this and then when she left you could have just got rid of all the toys/gifts? You have a baby and that baby will be non the wiser.

I've been married for 15 years and although I am not a fan of my inlaws I'm lucky that I don't have to see them often and I keep the visits short. I do this because family is important. Tell your wife to find some compassion for your parents and your family. They sound annoying like most family's are but they don't sound malicious.

Good luck. She sounds like hard work.

Well, I think what your wife did has more to do with the disrespect she has felt over the past 6 years with your parents than this current incident. I just think it was the last straw for her. You yourself said she has NEVER seen their good side. In 6 years. So this isn't about presents. She has just had enough of your parents. And she was in no mood for a Christmas holiday with them.

Now, I must admit that when I visit my wife's in-laws I try to grin and bear with it, but fortunately, my wife doesn't like her parents too much, so visits are short, albeit unpleasant.

But I think you should get your parents to apologize to your wife. This would probably be the only thing that will patch things up with her. And tell them if they want to see their grandchild in the future, they should be pleasant and do what the wife wants. She's angry at you too because you didn't back her up. So you should apologize to her too.

"Way more than my wife and I were ok with. I was disappointed and mortified."

- You BOTH love making mountains out of molehills!

PS, For more responses, use paragraphs.

You need to stand by and stand up for your wife and family. Your wife did the right thing cancelling the trip. She needs her sanity to focus on your newborn. She doesn't need your family's toxicity or your siding with them against her. She gave it a chance letting them visit to see your child and all of you blew it.

This really pissed my wife off because she felt as though my moms gesture was terrible, and my going along with it and expecting her to as well was a severe betrayal.She then proceeds to cancel our flights and hotel without asking me, and informs me about what she did.

Well, I think what your wife did has more to do with the disrespect she has felt over the past 6 years with your parents than this current incident. I just think it was the last straw for her. You yourself said she has NEVER seen their good side. In 6 years. So this isn't about presents. She has just had enough of your parents. And she was in no mood for a Christmas holiday with them.

 

Now, I must admit that when I visit my wife's in-laws I try to grin and bear with it, but fortunately, my wife doesn't like her parents too much, so visits are short, albeit unpleasant.

 

But I think you should get your parents to apologize to your wife. This would probably be the only thing that will patch things up with her. And tell them if they want to see their grandchild in the future, they should be pleasant and do what the wife wants. She's angry at you too because you didn't back her up. So you should apologize to her too.

I agree with you that he should apologize to his wife for not sticking up for her. But to get his parents who are over 70 to apologize for years of disrespect is a bit late don't you think? What are they going to say now? Sorry we bought your newborn too many presents. That just doesn't sound right. Just build a bridge and get over it. Forgive them and move on. Life is too short.

You need to stand by and stand up for your wife and family. Your wife did the right thing cancelling the trip. She needs her sanity to focus on your newborn. She doesn't need your family's toxicity or your siding with them against her. She gave it a chance letting them visit to see your child and all of you blew it.

Yes, he needs to stand by his wife but come on. They live so far away! Can't she tolerate them a couple times a year? Aren't the holidays all about forgiveness and love? She got pissed and honestly it sounds like she acted very irrationally. She didn't even talk to him before she canceled the trip. That's just not cool.

I literally can’t stand my in-laws with a passion and they have rejected me or just barely tolerated me for 30 years . My husband LOOOOOOOVES his family and was raised being disrespected and like a second class citizen and sees this as normal. When I came along and said WTH he learned that this was not OK but his interactions with his family never changed . He was terrified his family would reject him in a lifelong grudge which they have done to other people .

I don’t deny my husband his family and I don’t deny them or haven’t denied them their grand child within reason . My son is their only grandchild and will forever be their only grandchild . Although now my son is an adult and can decide who he’s going to see. They are now in their later 80s and my mother-in-law has cancer and my father-in-law has Parkinson’s with dementia . They live 3 1/2 hours away but we make the effort to go every couple of months or sometimes every month .

I can understand your wife’s point of view though I die a little more every time I have to interact with these people . It is very hard to know that what you say ,think or feel doesn’t matter one damn to people who are supposed to care about you .

Lol, not in a toxic family and situations like this where they have no boundaries and are obnoxious house guests. And where her husband acted like a complete wimp. It's not all about hallmark happy families and gifts. Healthy people have boundaries and respect their spouses especially when there is a newborn.

Aren't the holidays all about forgiveness and love?

Reading your previous threads her reaction and actions are from the accumulation of everything.

You have said yourself, your parents and older sister treat her badly. They have never treated her with kindness and don’t respect her. The gifts that your mom brought could have been easily over looked if they had treated your wife with love before now. Instead your wife took the gifts as a slap in the face, can’t blame her.

She should have told you what she planned to do but I don’t blame her.

I looked for your other threads in order to get a better picture of her issues with them, but could not find specific examples.

There is this general statement from a year ago (Wife won't talk to my family):

They can be very intense, opinionated, and controlling.

Sounds like your wife and your family are similar in this respect.

Frankly, I think the whole thing is ridiculous. Being angry because your parents bought their grandson TOO many gifts? You do realise that she doesn't get to see him very often and therefore is trying to make up for lost time, right? I think your wife behaved horribly to be honest and she took out her immaturity on you.

If you enable your wife to be that controlling then you will be making a huge mistake. You must find a way to discuss this with her and explain to her how very, very hurt they will be and it will all be over them being too generous. How awful of her.

Frankly, I think the whole thing is ridiculous. Being angry because your parents bought their grandson TOO many gifts? You do realise that she doesn't get to see him very often and therefore is trying to make up for lost time, right? I think your wife behaved horribly to be honest and she took out her immaturity on you.

 

If you enable your wife to be that controlling then you will be making a huge mistake. You must find a way to discuss this with her and explain to her how very, very hurt they will be and it will all be over them being too generous. How awful of her.

So your saying his parents and sister treating his wife horribly from the start is ok? She should just get over it.

My parents would have never seen their grandchild until they knew how to treat my wife with kindness and respect. No one has ever treated my wife like you have allowed your family too treat yours.

Agree. This sounds like she has tolerated this and her husband's passive condoning and this was just the last straw. Perhaps being a new mother has given her new priorities and the strength to finally take things in her own hands to secure her sanity for motherhood and not allow herself to be frazzled when she has better places to invest energy than tolerating this toxic bunch.

Reading your previous threads her reaction and actions are from the accumulation of everything. You have said yourself, your parents and older sister treat her badly.

OMG - your wife reactions to presents was so incredibly crazy and rude. When you get gifts you don't want, say thanks, and when they leave, you hide them or give them away.

You barely see each other, so she's buying gifts to compensate on the time she won't get to see her grandkid.

Fighting over too many gifts? That makes no sense. At all.

Her reaction was an accumulation of what has built up

She rightfully set a boundary and didn't see or talk to your family for quite awhile. It was a VERY big step for her to allow your family to come for a visit to your home. She set one parameter of this visit - that they don't go overboard and you did not enforce it. You could have said "mom dad i know you will probably bring the baby something --- THIS is what the baby could actually use... (diapers, gc to a store for formula, savings bond whatever)...)

Some people say "its only gifts" but with dysfunctional people - gifts have very thick strings. There are times when you smile and accept a gift that is inappropriate or you can't use and just tuck it away. But there are gifts where people consistently hammer you about if they don't see little precious wearing "their" outfit in a picture or don't see the toy in pictures, etc, or keep tabs on them. An aunt gave me a top once (it was vintage, was hers when she was much younger) and every time that i saw her or talked to her asked how it was doing,was i caring for it properly, etc, if the colors were staying and usually snooped around for it when she was visiting-- after awhile i gave it BACK to her because i was sick of her asking about "her" top. It was not enough to tell her how much i like it and wear it for special occasions. Gifts can literally be the start of a war. Also, gifts can mean that the giver can guilt you about them

Also, too, when you have a little one, you get overwhelmed with everyone giving teddy bears and toys when you really need diapers (and lots of them), special formula if they are allergic to your milk, onesies, etc. or an item that they need at the next stage that (people pitching in for the high chair the baby doesn't need right now, but they will and is a larger purchase). It creates a problem for the parents when they cannot return things to get what they need, and have a roomfull of things they cannot use.

you can also be seen as strongarming a parenting choice -- if the parent does not want their toddler to have electronic toys, or something, and you buy them a Nintendo, etc.

Anyway --i have dealt with overbearing relatives and you could have USED this opportunity to be thankful that your wife eased up and could have been firmer with your parents.

I also think it may not have been on the gifts per se, but your demeanor the whole visit. Did you throw your wife under the bus at any time? Did you side with your parents at every turn? I think more happened then simply them just bringing too many gifts

Fighting over too many gifts? That makes no sense. At all.

Agreed!

I find it petty and immature. I see her arbitrary cancellation without discussion with her husband as a straw that broke this marriage's back. It will only be down hill from here on out unless she can swallow her stubborn streak and vindictiveness.

There may be a history of bad blood between them but to carry it to this point over grandparents spoiling their grand child that is too young to even notice is beyond a dysfunctional need to control.

Things have gone from bad to worse over the last week. The visit from my family ended with my mom angrily storming out of our house because my wife didn’t feel like joining for a family photo (I supported my wife of course - she was in her pj’s and didn’t want to be in the photo). I asked my family to leave the house when this happened. While outside, my mom remained angry and complained about how my wife didn’t talk to her the whole weekend stating, “why doesn’t she want to be part of the family!” It’s nuts that she thinks that screaming about how she wants to be closer to someone will make that happen. After they left, my Mom sent me a few more angry and manipulative texts about this whole situation. I calmly replied that she needed to stop otherwise there would be consequences. I’ve ignored her messages since and blocked all further messages from my family. I know they are my problem to deal with, but I need a mental break from them right now so I can focus on my wife, baby, and job.

After reflecting on the past weekend, my wife first decided that she would be taking an indefinite break from my family, and communicate with them again when she felt comfortable to do so. Understandably this would require real change on my moms part. At the very least, an agreement to be decent. She texted this directly to them - and called out my mom on her behavior. I was proud of this and supported her sending the text. We also wrote an email together re-outlining our boundaries and being clear with my family that they will need to change their behavior going forward and also sincerely apologize to my wife.

We didn’t end up sending this email. When my wife picked me up from work the next day she looked stressed. I asked her how she was doing. My wife then informed me she has decided that she is going completely “no contact” with my family forever. I repeat, forever. No only that, she unilaterally made the decision that my family will never see our 6 month old son again either. She also told me that if I can’t support this decision we should talk about getting a divorce. To be clear, I don’t want a divorce! I’m madly in love with her and love our life together! Our only point of contention in our relationship is about my family, and their sometimes toxic boundary stepping behavior towards us. She would agree with this characterization. I know that I can protect us from any undesirable behavior but my wife no longer believes me. She says there’s no way I could stop all of it. She says that after 6 years she’s done giving me chances. How do I show her that I’m worthy of another?

I’m completely devastated. I’ve never felt so down in my life. I feel like my entire world is shattered. This prolonged family estrangement is eating me up inside. I fully accept my role in this. I know that a lot of this is my fault, and where I need to step up, and also where I don’t have control over things (like my family). I don’t feel like I’m in the middle of things trying to mediate. I’m on my wife’s side and I want to fix things with her and be a team again. I tried talking to my wife about this and she keeps repeatedly saying, “I’m never seeing your family again and neither is your son!”. When she says this she says it with a level of anger and seriousness I’ve never seen before. Things get really heated when this topic comes up and she has even gone as far as saying that in the event of a divorce she will fight for sole custody and do everything in her power to prevent my parents and sister from seeing our son. She says she will aim to paint them as unstable and abusive. During these conversations she has called me a motherer, a , a , and a coward. She has screamed these words while pointing a finger in my face and marching me around the living room.

I know she is deeply upset with me and them. I know she feels betrayed and alone. I know she feels like she can’t trust me. I agree with all her reasons. But, I also believe in myself. I believe in my strength. I don’t agree that this is the only way forward. How do I turn things around? I just want to make things right. I want to more deeply understand her feelings. I want to show her I truly understand where she is coming from and how she feels. I do believe that I understand the feelings driving this decision right now, but also I feel like we should be able to talk about this. I’m desperate for some kind of compromise here. I agree with my wife’s characterization of my family, but I really believe that if my wife and I could connect, we could figure out how to be a team again and face anything. I’d give anything for another chance at proving I can protect her, and by extension, our son, because this moment represents the life or death of our relationship. I would be vigilant about boundaries and unleash severe consequences on my family if things went south. Things like leaving immediately, 6 months no contact with grandchild, etc.

I think my wife is worried about retaliation from my mother since she finally stood up for herself and told her how she feels this time. We’ve been through this before. The pattern is the same. My mom loses her cool, and we all stay estranged for a while. When we see each other again my parents keep their distance. My hope is that if we keep showing real consequences we will establish clear behavioral expectations over time. I desperately want my son to know his grandparents, aunt and cousin. This past weekend they did treat him with love and kindness (not so much us) My wife believes they are ‘baiting’ him and this kindness will change in the future. It pains me to imagine a future where my 70+ aged parents never get to see him again.

But, that’s not where my wife is on the subject. I don’t know what to do. My stomach turns in knots and I feel so helpless thinking about this. I can’t stop thinking about how I can fix this! I love my wife and son and I don’t ever want to ever get divorced. It’s also devastating for me to accept her position that my son will never see his grandparents ever again.

I’ll do anything to show we that I am strong and want to become even stronger. I texted my family and sternly told them that their behavior was totally unacceptable, and that I won’t be communicating with them until I’m comfortable. I blocked them on my phone. I plan on focusing on my family for the next few months and blocking out negativity. I plan to get stronger mentally and physically. Step things up in therapy, and exercise like a mad man. I plan to show my wife that my heart and loyalties are exclusively with her and my son. I’ll do this with the utmost sincerity. She has deserved this version of me for many years. It’s time for me to really step up! I just hope and pray my wife can see my strength and trust me again.

Personally, I think your wife is also unstable, unfortunately.

She also told me that if I can’t support this decision we should talk about getting a divorce. To be clear, I don’t want a divorce! I’m madly in love with her and love our life together!

I suggest you tell her that her arbitrary way isn't going to be satisfactory for both of you so you've come up with a compromise wherein you will see your parents with your son and she doesn't have to attend. Unless you are totally in agreement with HER decision then do nothing but let her rule the way she is.

I just hope and pray you don't let her manipulate you the way she is trying to do. Y'all need family counselling and workable boundaries towards your parents that you BOTH can agree and be satisfied with. Making you pick between your family and her isn't right.

she keeps repeatedly saying, “I’m never seeing your family again and neither is your son!”.

Personally, I think your wife is also unstable, unfortunately.

Agree ^^^

It's amazing how much your wife is like your mother.

They both communicate by screaming and they both bully you to try to force you to do things their way.

Are you aware that you married your mom, in essence?

My brother did the same thing, married a woman who was very much like our mother. They even physically resembled one another. And each thought the other was completely unreasonable and WRONG about just about everything. It was almost amusing to watch them, essentially mirror images of one another. And they didn't even see it.

Marriage counseling, STAT.

I have to echo these two ladies and say you married a copy of your mom.