My dad very suddenly passed away last week

Last Sunday, 6 days ago, my Dad really unexpectedly passed away. He was 67, he had never been properly sick a day in his life. He woke up on Sunday morning feeling sweaty and breathless. He was supposed to go golfing with his best friend who’s a retired GP, when he arrived in his house his friend checked with blood pressure and heart rate which were completely normal. He was concerned he might have angina, he gave him a letter and told him to go to A&E to get checked out. My dad was so unconcerned about this that he drove himself to A&E. Once he got there he started deteriorating very quickly, he became extremely breathless, they popped him on oxygen, put him up on the bed and connected him to monitors and then went into cardiac arrest. They shocked him 3 times and performed CPR on him for 35 mins but sadly it wasn’t to be.

The nurse assured us he had been in no pain and was not scared and that she was with him the whole time reassuring him. They’re not sure what exactly happened, the consultant cardiologist doesn’t seem to think it was a heart attack. They carried out a post mortem on Tuesday but it apparently takes 3 - 6 months for the results to come back.

Since his death it’s been a bit of a whirlwind. Both my brothers were in different countries and had to fly home. My eldest brother had his first baby 12 weeks ago, Dad was due to fly over to Boston with my step mum at the end of August to see him. Everyone is devastated that he didn’t get to meet him as my dad adores babies and was so excited to see him. I have 4 step siblings who saw my dad as their dad and who are beyond devastated. My step mum is gone into a complete state of shock, I genuinely am not sure how she’s going to cope.. he was her total world, she doesn’t really have any friends or anything.

Although I can’t stop thinking about everything and there’s a constant air of sadness, I also don’t really feel as devastated as I expected myself to... like Iv cried a bit but it’s small bursts of crying and they don’t last longer than a minute. I feel so guilty, even when we were bury him and everyone else around me was in floods of tears I couldn’t cry.. it just wouldn’t come out! And I’m usually someone who cries at the drop of a hat!! I guess I just want to know if anyone else has gone through a family member passing so suddenly and if they experienced a similar reaction?

I am so very sorry for your loss. Please don’t put expectations on your grief. You are probably in shock and everyone expresses grief differently in different stages. ❤️

I'm very sorry for your dad. But at least it was quick.

Crying is not the measure of grief. The deepest shocks sometimes produce the least amount of tears. Mourn him and honor him.

I'm so sorry for your loss. (((Hugs)))

I’m so sorry.

Don’t be too hard on yourself about your reaction. Grief is a process, not a fleeting emotion. Everyone handles it differently, and that’s generally understood by all.

I'm sorry of your loss. Sometimes grief comes in waves. My own dad died when I was a child, but sometimes I would feel the grief years later when I realized he wouldn't see me graduate, wouldn't see me on a special day he'd be proud, etc.... I think everything happened so quickly so it's natural that it hasn't sunk in just yet. It might hit you later on (like if you see a movie you think he would have enjoyed). It's ok, there is no one right way to grieve. Just hang in there.

My heart goes out to you, and I'm sorry for your loss.

I guess I just want to know if anyone else has gone through a family member passing so suddenly and if they experienced a similar reaction?

Yes. I think shock calmed me, and just as you've taken an inventory of the impacts on your family members, so did I. But rather than feeling guilty, I believed that it was important for me to handle myself well for all of them.

I had been daddy's girl, and I knew that everyone likely expected me to fall apart. I think my calmness helped each of them to react as honestly as they wanted to, and I was able to be helpful to the people I love.

My grief took a natural course over time, and the one thing that helped me during my most difficult times was knowing that I helped my loved ones and that my Dad was proud of me.

Head high, and allow yourself to move through this time however you see fit.

Holding you and your family in my thoughts.

Thank you so much everyone for your lovely words! It’s all started to feel a little more real in the past day or 2 but I definitely don’t think it’s hit me properly yet. His death was so sudden, it’s like a thief stole him in the night with absolutely no warning. What brings me a little bit of comfort though is knowing he wasn’t in any pain and that it happened quickly. However he was still far too young to die in the way that he did and at 29 I feel far too young to be without my dad. I just keep thinking of all the things he won’t be here for.. he’ll never meet the person I’ll marry, or my children, walk me down the aisle, or even be here for my 30th birthday.. and he was so excited to do something big for it. I feel robbed and angry.

I’m so sorry for everyone else in here who has lost a parent, I hope you’re all coping as well as is possible. Xxx

I am sorry for the loss of your father's presence. Consider the many ways he remains with you and will -- knowing that helped me through my parents' deaths. I did not cry much at either occasion, but certain times I suddenly let go of grief with big sobs. In the shower, when telling a funny memory... its okay. Also I got enormous headaches-- when the first parent passed, I was holding it all in and my pain found a physical way to express itself

There is no one way. Try to give loved ones latitude to be a little awkward, feel the love around you (or find it), and find ways to celebrate the connections your father created.

However he was still far too young to die in the way that he did and at 29 I feel far too young to be without my dad. I just keep thinking of all the things he won’t be here for.. he’ll never meet the person I’ll marry, or my children, walk me down the aisle, or even be here for my 30th birthday.. and he was so excited to do something big for it. I feel robbed and angry.

I get this, and I was the same age when my Dad died. Given that I don't subscribe to any fixed religious dogma, I find it helpful to make room for the idea that my Dad and other loved ones who've passed are now with me at all times in ways that they could not be while in their bodies. So I talk to them all the time. I ask for help when I need it. I share my successes with them and include them on special days.

We don't know what we don't know, so for all I know, my Dad may have needed to pass when he did in order to gift me certain energies and strengths as a legacy, He may have decided that he could benefit all of us more from another dimension.

I don't claim to 'know' this stuff, but I choose to believe such wonderful assumptions simply because I see no value in feeling robbed and I'd rather build myself UP with positive beliefs about 'graduating' to a better place. It helps me to look forward to seeing Dad someday as he helps me transition to where he is when it's my time. Meanwhile, I've decided to keep him with me, and this helps me avoid hurting my own stomach lining and putting a downer on my optimism.

I've found it useful to ask myself when facing any challenge: do I want to make this harder or easier? We all get to pick what works for us to make us stronger and our lives better rather than adopting self destructive ideas that only make the future tougher when it's tough enough already.

Head high, and big (((HUG))).

Thank you so much everyone for your lovely words! It’s all started to feel a little more real in the past day or 2 but I definitely don’t think it’s hit me properly yet. His death was so sudden, it’s like a thief stole him in the night with absolutely no warning. What brings me a little bit of comfort though is knowing he wasn’t in any pain and that it happened quickly. However he was still far too young to die in the way that he did and at 29 I feel far too young to be without my dad. I just keep thinking of all the things he won’t be here for.. he’ll never meet the person I’ll marry, or my children, walk me down the aisle, or even be here for my 30th birthday.. and he was so excited to do something big for it. I feel robbed and angry.

 

I’m so sorry for everyone else in here who has lost a parent, I hope you’re all coping as well as is possible. Xxx

My friend's dad died of sudden cardiac arrest when she was 28 and she was there and I believe didn't know CPR. They were very close. I hear this is so difficult for you, such a loss, your sharing brought back that memory from many years ago. I cannot even imagine and I am so sorry for your and your family's loss. I wish you healing and that you treat yourself with care and grieve however it makes sense and works for you. And I hope you have the real life support you need as well. All of that and more.