Boyfriend dumped me

Been with my boyfriend around 7 months, and im his first ever girlfriend and i was single for a long time so was new to being back into a realtionship.

I have been extremeley jealous and insecure in this realtionship due to being hurt in the past i just didnt want it to happen again, so would ask to look through his phone, noticed he liked girls pics so asked him to stop, ended up blocking girls off his social media who i knew he found pretty, i also saw searches with girls names who he said he was just looking at coz he is “a guy” but thats it (no messages sent at all) i threw a drink over him one night because he was speaking to a girl and made him say sorry , he also is very socialable and likes to drink and does cocaine as well but only on the weekends (no addiction) this causes issues as i dont do it and want him to stop but he is 33 and he isnt going to change - and it causes issues where i become paranoid that he does it more than he says he does - also i work with him for the same company and he has got a new manager who is single and also likes to drink and do cocaine, ive noticed they have started going pub really often for a pint and i get upset because i think they are looking for girls.

Me and my boyfriend keep arguing and he says we dont have a healthy realtionship we have tried but again we argued earlier in the week and i snapped but im so used to making up after but this time he said he wasnt happy anymore and im too demanding / controlling and that he doesnt see us being together anymore and he just needs to bite the bullet and do it otherwise we will only finish at a later date anyway and it will be much worse - now i did agree with some of these points and realise i do have a temper problem and jealousy issues but i feel like he wants to be single - he goes to me i dnt want to be single but i want my freedom and you not screwing at me everytime

This weekend i have been so sad we have broken up before but we always make up but this time he hasnt contacted me at all , he was even crying when we was ending it i just want him back - we booked a holiday in 3 weeks and i asked him what is happening and he said he would now take his friend??? Im like wow did u have this planned

I cant stop crying, i dont want to harrass him so i havent messaged but i miss him and want him back, he is kind hearted but i do think he is easily mislead which annoys me, but i will give him the “freedom” he now wants, i have realised i need to work on myself even if it is too late but im so sad its the end i dont knowif this can be saved? Any advice?

Sorry to hear this. Don't contact him. Pull back and regroup.

This was an awful, unhealthy, toxic relationship. Neither of you is in a place to be a good partner to anyone. You with your jealous, controlling and abusive behavior and him with his drug issues.

What is there to "save"?

No, I don't think it's a good idea to try to reconcile. Instead, I recommend you seek therapy to find out why you're attracted to drug addicts and how you can stop letting your past ruin your present. Also how to stop your abusive behaviors.

People come into our lives for A Reason, A Season or a Lifetime. Clearly this man came into your life for A Reason which was to teach you that you have issues that you need to overcome (jealousy, low self-esteem and trust issues) before you're going to be able to form a long lasting, functional and happy relationship.

Forget him now but don't forget the lesson. He was honest enough to tell you he is leaving because of those issues so now its your job to get yourself to the point that you are the best you that you can be before you start dating again.

Does your workplace have a benefit plan that will cover your expenses for therapy? Can your family doctor refer you to someone to help you to be the confident and self-assured woman of independence that is in all of us gals. When you release that woman in you, you'll find a good guy with an edge that doesn't need to do cocaine on weekends and who will show you that he values you.

Well, I agree, it's not a healthy relationship. And you are too controlling and demanding. He was just talking to a girl and you poured a drink on him? And you go through his phone? And you admit to being angry and jealous. And how many times have you broken up with him? If you do that enough times, any boyfriend is going to finally say, that's it! I'm done.

On the other hand, his red flags are that he's never had a girlfriend before (are you sure about that?) and he's drinking and doing coke. You don't want to admit it, but him nipping out to the pub with his buddy is probably not to find girls but to do more drinking and coke.

This is the logical time to just put an end to the relationship. Don't bother messaging him. Be civil to him at work, but admit to yourself that the relationship is over.

Yea the realtionship is probably but i am just incredibly sad its just done, and we had a holiday and everything

Yes i have alot of issues i need to work on but he “aloud me” to get away with it that i just kept on going mad and angry just knowing it would be an argument and then we would make up

Yeh the cocaine habit really annoys me and is always said he would try and stop but ever since this manager has come he just always wants to hang out with him going to the pub and yes it probably is for that reason but his manager is always checking out girls at work and looking at them, just makes me sad he is comftable enough to do this when im in the room and im his girlfriend, but he says i dont ever respond to it

I think i probably have to accept it is over but i dont want to be single, i enjoyed his company but i did always doubt it as he was never my type

Yea he has been honest and said the reason why we have broken up is due to my behaviour but i feel like he didnt do much to help me change my feelings about it, even tho its not his job but he could change

I hate him sometimes but then like him, i think changing the holiday with his mate is incredibly hurtful, and i regret always being so naggy at him i wish things were different :-(

Yes he has never had a girlfriend before ir is known he doesnt have girlfriends

No, this very likely can't be saved. And heaven knows why you would want it to. It sounds like a craptacular relationship.

You need to get a grip on your anger and extreme insecurity. You are engaging in some very childish and abusive behaviour. Yes, abusive. It is not okay to throw your drink on someone, ever. Can you imagine if a man had done the same thing to you? It is demeaning, humiliating and nasty. Please, do look into getting help and why you gave yourself permission to behave like this. Your conduct was unacceptable and you need to make some serious changes if you want to find happiness someday.

However, he doesn't sound like a grand prize either. 33 and never once had a girlfriend? Why is that? It sounds like he's using cocaine regularly enough to be problematic as well. Also, you have broken up before but "always" got back together - girl, multiple break-ups are the sign of a relationship that's dead. Changing the holiday to go with his friend was actually the smart choice. You two are broken up and going together anyway would be a terrible idea.

It's over. And thank goodness for that. This wasn't a healthy situation for either of you, and you need to learn to recognize dysfunction when you see it. Concentrate on working on your problems now, so you choose better men in the future and conduct yourself in a healthy and productive way.

"craptacular" I shall be stealing that one, MC.

Tbh i dont know why he hasnt, there is obviously an issue there. - his friends said he was always the nice guy that never got the girl. He is asian and i guess not omg amazing looking but hey i thought he was cute (im white and abit taller than him)

Yeh maybe it is a smart choice to take his friend, but still hurts - i wont be able to handle seeing the pics

I wont be able to afford therapy, but i think its something i need to do, the throwing a drink over him was uncalled for but i had been drinking myself NOT that it is an excuse.

I am actually a nice girl with a good heart it comes across that im bad but it came from not wanting to be hurt and me liking him.

You need a different class of people and friends and most of all dates/bfs.

Different class of people and friends?

Tbh i dont know why he hasnt, there is obviously an issue there. - his friends said he was always the nice guy that never got the girl. He is asian and i guess not omg amazing looking but hey i thought he was cute (im white and abit taller than him)

 

Yeh maybe it is a smart choice to take his friend, but still hurts - i wont be able to handle seeing the pics

 

I wont be able to afford therapy, but i think its something i need to do, the throwing a drink over him was uncalled for but i had been drinking myself NOT that it is an excuse.

 

I am actually a nice girl with a good heart it comes across that im bad but it came from not wanting to be hurt and me liking him.

No more buts, girl. It's time to get real with yourself and your behaviour. When you stop making excuses, you will start being able to really deal with some obvious anger and self-esteem problems.

I thought your story sounded familiar, so I went back and looked at your previous posts. This has been a mess from the beginning. If you cannot afford therapy, go to your local library or online and look for some free resources about dealing with anger management and insecurity. You really do need it, as was suggested to you in your last thread too.

This guy was never going to be the one for you. There have been problems from get-go. But, you will benefit tremendously if you take time off from dating and work on yourself. Stop blaming the guy (or men in general, as in your last thread) and start taking some accountability for your own thought patterns and behaviour. It will help you make better choices and not pursue men who are not dating material.

Yea he has been honest and said the reason why we have broken up is due to my behaviour but i feel like he didnt do much to help me change my feelings about it, even tho its not his job but he could change

Time to take control of your emotions so that you can maturely handle any insecurities that pop up in your romantic relationships. Once YOU have changed, you'll be able to quickly dump guys that need to be fixed or need to change in order to make you happy... instead you'll only want to stay with a man that doesn't need to change because he is just the guy you need as he is.

Hanging on to an awful relationship because you don't want to be single is a terrible excuse.

Yes i have realised this, thank u everyone

Hi Sarah, sorry you're hurting, break ups suck, no way of getting around that.

I read your story and my thoughts are that because you always took for granted you would get back together, you were never inclined to explore (within yourself) your extremely unhealthy and dysfunctional way of interacting and managing your emotions. Some called it abuse but I wouldn't go that far, but yes it was very unhealthy and toxic to your relationship.

So was he, but he's not the one posting so not gonna address his behavior.

Anyway, so now he has dumped you, for good, doesn't want to go back. This was your "rock bottom" and it's been my experience that people often need to reach this rock bottom before truly acknowledging how toxic their behavior was and to make efforts to change.

My ex was a drug addict, cocaine and meth. I was blinded to it, until the end, when our RL turned toxic and he admitted.

I walked out! Broke up with him, we were even engaged to be married in Hawaii the following year.

My walking out was HIS rock bottom and he sought help, went into rehab, and is now doing really well!! Last I heard.

It's too late for us but my point is that people rarely acknowledge a serious issue, until they're forced to, by either their SO walking away for good, or some other rock bottom.

Now is the time to acknowledge your issues (which you're doing which is good) and make efforts to resolve so you will make better choices and be a better partner in your NEXT relationship.

It's all a journey, learning, growing, evolving.

Good luck moving forward and remember time heals!

Most relationships are not in isolation. You met him somewhere right? And there's a lot of drugs and drinking going around? You would never have met him if you weren't where he was or with people like him.

Different class of people and friends?

Most relationships are not in isolation. You met him somewhere right? And there's a lot of drugs and drinking going around? You would never have met him if you weren't where he was or with people like him.

She said they work together.

But, as I recall, they started as a drunken work party hookup.

He needed to change his drug habit, but he didn't need to change talking to members of the opposite sex in public in order to make you feel secure. Your insecurities and jealous behavior are your sole responsibility and unfortunately unless you get a grip on them, you will not be able to be a part of a healthy relationship with anyone in the future. I do think this relationship is done. If by some chance he did come back around, it would signify that he also has bigger issues he needs to work on outside of the drugs in order to tolerate such abuse.

OK the way I see this is you weren't right for him, and he wasn't right for you. It didn't work out because, he didn't have experience with relationships, so he doesn't know boundaries and that's a problem, plus he doesn't know how to be a good BF. He's always been single, did whatever he wanted and that is all he has ever known. You on the other hand, need someone who is experienced with relationships, and understands that boundaries need to be agreed upon with good communication and understanding for each others needs. It was doomed from the start.

Unfortunately this was bad experience for him, and it will be a long time before he will ever try again. You got too cray cray and he ran. On the positive side, you see what needs to be worked on....your insecurities, and making better choices when the next guy comes around.

Yes we worked together that is how we met but got together at after work drinks which yeh i guess a drunken thing

Yes it probably was doomed from the start, but he chased me and really wanted to get to know me which made me give it a shot and now look

No he hadnt ever had a girlfriend but is that an excuse though, i havent had really a long term partner before and i think i would know boundries etc but yeh i dont know if he will ever really want to settle down he just loves his company and his freedom

I guess my “rock bottom” is this and i so realise i need to change i will learn how ro do that and also start looking for another job as working in the same room as him is way too much.

We have broke up so many times before and i would block him and delete him from social media and he always came running back to me and in a way i love the attention it brang as it confirmed to me he liked me (i know)

He also listens to his friends and manager far to much - i think whatever they say has a massive influence over him and i hate that - sure we all ask advice but when he paid for our holiday apprantley all his friends were like why did u do that for? (They all pay half and half)

Also his cocaine habit has him suffering panic attacks the next day, its not good and he is in a bad way but this doesnt seem to stop him his mental heath is being affected and he also gambles abit and even got into 6grand debt because of it which he said he is now trying to change - but is anyone perfect??

Wow, you really ended your post with that?

No, no one is "perfect ". But how low are you willing to go just to avoid being single?

Well no one is perfect ?? Lol

Ive taken everyones comments on board and fully agree to them i have pushed him away due to my crazyness however he could never really be the man i wanted - even when he dumped me he went to the pub drinking with his manager!! Says it all doesnt it

And since then he has been working overtime (he has NEVER done that) this new boss has some control over him now and all he wants to do is hang out and go pub with him even when he had a gf - and his manager was like why dont u bring her out with her but he was like no he didnt want too (says my behaviour when im drunk is to much and embarrasing)

Im just so fed up

If you are willing to flush your standards right down the toilet by dating guys of this low caliber and refuse to take any accountability for your own awful behavior (because you are still full of excuses and "but...!"-statements) you will suffer exactly the same problems in future relationships.

That fed up feeling? That will be a constant theme for you unless you focus on making some changes for yourself and your relationship and interpersonal skills.