Every freaking morning

Every morning I wake up with the terror of being alone. It is so isolating that I would prefer to navigate the micro drama of the abusive relationship. If he called me right now, I’d break down and run to him.

Those feelings are basically normal.

Being alone was something I had a very, very hard time with. In the past it drove me back into new or recycled old toxic dynamics, just because I couldn't stand being alone with me and my thoughts.

You have to ride those feelings out, though - And get help healthily coping with them. I guarantee that it will be worth it. A friend and I hung out a couple nights ago, and she asked me some things about my past. It felt weird for the words, the experiences to roll off my tongue. Everything that I did, the ways I thought have changed tremendously. It almost felt like I was telling someone else's story.

It helped me to write out the bad things that happened when I felt like the weight of loneliness was going to crush me. I didn't know myself, lost myself...Whatever you want to call it. And yes, that's really freaking scary.

I read your other thread and see you have just started therapy and an anti-depressant. I'm really glad you are getting some help.

You'll have good moments, bad days. Eventually you will have good days and bad moments. It's going to take time. I came to ENA over 8 years ago. I don't come on here much anymore, but I can say that I got a lot of support in different ways from the folks here. At times there were things I didn't want to hear, or simply things I disagreed with and still do. But it supplemented the help I was getting on the outside. You might want to start a journal on here. You can make one where it's only for you to read, one people can read but not respond to or one that they can.

Your thread prompted me to look at my old private journal, the one I made when I was pregnant and wrote in until I went through my divorce, when my child was 1.

I was so angry. Had so much dysfunction with the people around me. Since I improved the relationship I have with MYSELF, it has spilled over into every other area. I don't have the strained relationship with my mom anymore, or the drama with friends.

The last time I wrote in there was over 4 years ago, right after my divorce was finalized. It's sobering to see how much weight I was carrying. It doesn't hurt me to look back on the way it might have 2 years ago. I'm not trying to paint myself as some huge success story, but I really did straighten out myself and my life - I can relate to your feelings. And I never could see the light in the darkness. But now that's mostly my life. You can do this.

People often commit petty crimes again so they can go back into to prison because they can't handle the outside world. They are used to what they have become accustomed to.

Every morning I wake up with the terror of being alone.If he called me right now, I’d break down and run to him.

Are you in therapy, Berkarn. The healthy and confident person who is happy in their own skin is in there hiding and you would do well to get the help you need to release that person from the darkness. You first need to love you before you'll be able to love someone worth being with.

You can do it.

I find it helpful to consider the times that test my courage to be growth periods that I'll thank myself for later. I try to trust that my highest intelligence is looking out for me, and I get to decide whether I'll come out the other side of this with more confidence and less fear than before I went through it.

Consider contacting one of the domestic violence hotlines on the Internet for a referral to a counselor and/or a support group near you. It helps to meet people who've been through similar experiences and can help you to navigate your way through the toughest times.

Head high, and write more if it helps.