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Thread: Do I call him again today?

  1. #1
    Member FrozenMoon's Avatar
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    Do I call him again today?

    Hello!

    I have a silly little question. Nothing too urgent, but still something I'd like to have some other perspectives / tips and tricks for.. Currently I really can't decide on what to do.

    So-- starting at the beginning, there's this guy that I've been heavily attracted to for a year now. I always thought he was way out of my league, so I never dared approach him. Effectively, this means we never talked, and I knew absolutely nothing about him.

    But then came last Sunday. We were both working at the same festival, and I took all day gathering my courage and finally decided to reach out to him in the evening, asking if he'd like to meet up somewhere so we could chat. I honestly couldn't believe what was happening when he replied that yes, he'd love to!
    We ended up talking on one of the terraces until 3 am. There were a few brief points in the conversation where I felt one of these dreaded silences approaching, but luckily either him or me would pick it up with something new in time. All in all, it went really well! He suggested meeting up again the next day and I happily agreed.

    Then on Monday, late afternoon, the festival ended. I saw him once more before leaving and we discussed meeting up again outside of the festival. Due to busy schedules this week, this was and is currently still set at next week Friday.

    Now, here comes the difficult part -- the 1,5 weeks in between.

    We've texted a little, nothing forced or too much. Then Wednesday, he suggested we could call in the evening. I was eager to hear his voice, so I agreed, and the phone call went great! We chatted, shared stories, laughed. Ended up talking until midnight without any silences whatsoever.

    Happy and confident with how well we'd hit it off, we decided to call again yesterday. We were both home really late that day and admittedly, I was pretty tired. I expected a conversation like the one on Wednesday -- but soon enough, it was evident that this one wouldn't go nearly as well.
    We still talked, still filled the silence, but the conversation as a whole felt much less natural, and there were a couple of pauses now. I could tell we both really wanted to talk, but had no idea what to talk about. It felt like the progress we had made in the first phone call was completely set back.

    Yesterday's call has admittedly made me a little nervous. Worries started crossing my mind. What if we talk too much now, and we might not have much left to say when we meet again in person? I'm thinking it might be best to hold off on conversing too much until then. What if this causes our meeting to be awkward? What if it all goes wrong?
    But on the other hand, he did say I could message him if I wished to call again today, and we've been sending at least one message daily up until now. I feel like suddenly pausing communication now would give off the wrong impression. Especially after yesterday.

    So I'm thinking.. Should I call him again tonight, to replace the memory of our most recent conversation with a new and better one, hopefully more like last Wednesday? Or should I not call him, save conversation topics for later, but risk him thinking last night's call made me lose interest or confidence? What if I do call him again, but the conversation goes even worse than yesterday?

    I feel stupid for getting so hung up on a small detail like this, haha. But I really don't want to ruin this chance that the universe by some miracle has granted me. So all in all..

    What would you do?

    (And for those of you who have experienced this situation themselves; how often do things like these happen? How 'bad' exactly is a poor phone conversation in the big picture? What are your methods to keep them going, or am I simply worrying too much? Thanks in advance!)

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Hold off. Let some time and interest accumulate and don't saturate this with calls and texts.

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    There is nothing wrong with silence. When you keep trying to fill it quickly, you are not thinking and you end up saying things that are unimportant and uninteresting, which is when a conversation really goes downhill. Relax. Say what you feel. You never run out of topics to talk about. And remember it takes two. If you are having to carry the whole conversation then he's the one who can't keep up. Slow it down, speak deliberately and with more depth and see if he jumps to that level to meet you.

  4. #4
    Member FrozenMoon's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Amalia13
    There is nothing wrong with silence. When you keep trying to fill it quickly, you are not thinking and you end up saying things that are unimportant and uninteresting, which is when a conversation really goes downhill.
    Yeah.. this is exactly what I'm afraid happened yesterday. There were too many words with too little meaning, just to fill up the silence.
    I should keep this in mind next time we speak, to better control my part of the conversation. I hope I didn't already give off a bad impression..

    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    Hold off. Let some time and interest accumulate and don't saturate this with calls and texts.
    Ah.. Alright. I really don't want him to lose interest, so perhaps that's the best way to go about this. Then, I'll restrain from calling him today.
    I'm still a little worried, though -- won't he think I'm backing off if I'm suddenly quiet now?

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member Annia's Avatar
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    I'd wait a bit until you meet in person. Give it some time. If you talk so much on the phone and text so much you'll saturate it and end up with not so much to talk about.

    Just some light texting and then setting a time and place for the meeting in person and save all the big and deep conversation to in person moments.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member charity's Avatar
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    I had an ex that was very funny. When we were first dating and phoning each other if there was a silence he'd 'Oh there it is, my worst fear..the silence! This is what I've been dreading'. It used to make me laugh and it was nice seeing his vulnerabilities. Don't put so much pressure on yourself, he's probably as nervous as you are.

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    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    I'm going to address a different statement you made about him being way out of your league. Change your thinking about that, or you're going to sabotage what could end up being a beautiful experience. Read some articles on how having low self esteem isn't good for relationships. Think of yourself as the treasure, and that a person has to treat you right or you will kick them to the curb. If you go into this thinking that you can't believe he's agreed to grace you with his presence, your thoughts and behavior will likely spell the end, since confidence is the biggest attractor of all.

    Each person has a type they normally go for, and maybe you're his type. Chemistry is biological and nothing one can control. Obviously he felt that, or he wouldn't be putting in the effort he's putting in now. Also, one's personality can make a person uglier or more attractive than they actually are. Attractive people with boring or acidic personalities are going to have few prospects. Average looking people with a joy of life are going to lure people left and right.

    As for the call, trust your gut that the call probably won't go well. I'd send him a text to let him know you're looking forward to seeing him on Friday. He won't question your interest if you make the text warm and genuine like: I'm so glad we got to know each other better with that long talk at the festival. Really looking forward to to seeing you again on Friday.

  9. #8
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    Originally Posted by FrozenMoon

    .... won't he think I'm backing off if I'm suddenly quiet now?
    Would YOU think he's *backing off* if *he* becomes quiet? It's not all on you to stay in touch.

    That said, you have a date scheduled, this is good!

    Don't be afraid to introduce some distance/space in between - space is good, it allows you both to wonder about each other which increases attraction and interest.

    So many women mistakenly believe if they're not in constant touch, the guy will forget about them.. That has not been my experience, a bit of distance resulted in them becoming more interested!

    Even my boyfriend now and I give each plenty of space. Even while vacaying together, we gave each other space!

    It works wonders to keep things alive and exciting, prevents things from becoming mundane, same ole same ole, routine, which I personally abhor.

    So my advice would be to give calling/texting a rest. Focus on keeping busy (mentally and physically) with your own interests, less over-thinking.

    Let him wonder about you and miss you.

    IF he "forgets" about you, he was never all that into you in the first place.
    Last edited by katrina1980; 08-11-2018 at 01:53 PM.

  10. #9
    Gold Member smackie9's Avatar
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    Up the ante. Why not snapchat him a nice selfie with you in a cute dress smiling? A picture is worth a thousand words.

  11. #10
    Member FrozenMoon's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Andrina
    I'm going to address a different statement you made about him being way out of your league. Change your thinking about that, or you're going to sabotage what could end up being a beautiful experience. Read some articles on how having low self esteem isn't good for relationships. Think of yourself as the treasure, and that a person has to treat you right or you will kick them to the curb. If you go into this thinking that you can't believe he's agreed to grace you with his presence, your thoughts and behavior will likely spell the end, since confidence is the biggest attractor of all.

    Each person has a type they normally go for, and maybe you're his type. Chemistry is biological and nothing one can control. Obviously he felt that, or he wouldn't be putting in the effort he's putting in now. Also, one's personality can make a person uglier or more attractive than they actually are. Attractive people with boring or acidic personalities are going to have few prospects. Average looking people with a joy of life are going to lure people left and right.

    As for the call, trust your gut that the call probably won't go well. I'd send him a text to let him know you're looking forward to seeing him on Friday. He won't question your interest if you make the text warm and genuine like: I'm so glad we got to know each other better with that long talk at the festival. Really looking forward to to seeing you again on Friday.
    Ah -- yeah, you're right!
    Every now and then, I've been having these thoughts telling me this is too good to be true and there has to be a catch. So far, I've been pushing these thoughts away to the best of my ability, although I have wondered if letting my guard down like that is the right thing to do.
    But of course, what you're saying about his efforts and everyone having a type is very true; I should be confident knowing there's a good reason we got to this point at all. Who knows, he might be thinking the exact same things I am! Haha.

    Thank you for addressing this!

    Originally Posted by katrina1980
    Would YOU think he's *backing off* if *he* becomes quiet? It's not all on you to stay in touch.
    That said, you have a date scheduled, this is good!
    Don't be afraid to introduce some distance/space in between - space is good, it allows you both to wonder about each other which increases attraction and interest.
    So many women mistakenly believe if they're not in constant touch, the guy will forget about them.. That has not been my experience, a bit of distance resulted in them becoming more interested!
    Even my boyfriend now and I give each plenty of space. Even while vacaying together, we gave each other space!
    It works wonders to keep things alive and exciting, prevents things from becoming mundane, same ole same ole, routine, which I personally abhor.
    So my advice would be to give calling/texting a rest. Focus on keeping busy (mentally and physically) with your own interests, less over-thinking.
    Let him wonder about you and miss you.
    IF he "forgets" about you, he was never all that into you in the first place.
    I think you've got a point!

    I ended up not calling or texting at all yesterday. He was the first to send me a message again late in the evening. I replied, he replied again (which I didn't notice until just now!) and about an hour ago my lack of response apparently had him worried, as he sent a new follow-up with additional explanation. Guess I was on his mind after all!

    I think I'm not going to initiate any contact until Friday. I'll reply when he asks something, but I'm going to save everything else for in person conversation. Fingers crossed!

    Originally Posted by charity
    I had an ex that was very funny. When we were first dating and phoning each other if there was a silence he'd 'Oh there it is, my worst fear..the silence! This is what I've been dreading'. It used to make me laugh and it was nice seeing his vulnerabilities. Don't put so much pressure on yourself, he's probably as nervous as you are.
    Haha, that's interesting! I've heard multiple people say that making jokes about the silences is a much better technique than trying to hopelessly cover them.
    It does help to understand that he's effectively in the same position; if we both want this to work then I think that, at the end of the day, these silences shouldn't even matter all that much. (..But oh boy, are they still intimidating. :P)

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