I might have found my soulmate love during a quarter life crisis. Have I?

Hello there.

 

I'm going to try and be as short as possible, but it will be a long story. Might be confusing also, I'm not a native english speaker and it's really late now :)

First of all, I'm a 24 year old guy from Central Europe from a disfunctional family and all that, life has never been easy. During my university years I found love and worked on that relationship for 3 years, we've lived together for 16 months, but something felt REALLY out of place, and I abandoned that life completely, moved back to my parents to revitalize myself. I found myself in a quarter life crisis, I do not really know which way to go from now on, I slowly lost interest in all my hobbies. I mean, I still care for them, but I cannot really enjoy them for more than half an hour. I feel kind of lost.

 

In February, I met a girl online, let's call her Alex. We started messaging, and oh, she totally grabbed my attention. Mind you, I'm REALLY picky. She's intelligent, beautiful, athletic, loves all the stuff that I love, has an active life, she loves being altruistic, everything seems to be in place, and here's the catch. She's 17 and lives pretty far from me. I didn't even know how old she were until she told me in the third or fourth mail. (Here I have to clarify that in our country it's legal :) ) And in that mail, she also told me she's in an open relationship, and I didn't really care about that, meh, a bed-buddy can't really be a rival in this case, I thought.

In May, we played some games online together and used voice chat, hah, how stunned we were about each other's voice. Those few nights felt so honest. I started feeling something about her and myself that I've only felt about my very best friends before... That I can be ME, no facade and masks, and she seemed to feel the same.

There was a music festival about a month ago. She nagged me for a few days to go and meet there. I didn't really want to go as it was expensive and the music they played did not grab my interest as much that I would pay for it. Actually, two days before the festival I gave in, and met her there. You know, I'm the anxious type, if I like someone as much as I like her, I usually get frozen in place and act like a total loser, but then it wasn't the case. Time flew, and before I could realise it, we were all over each other in her tent, and yeah, stuff happened. I was and still am quite shocked how amazing that day was.

The next night when we were about it again, she stopped me, and we started talking. I asked her what was wrong.

First she mentioned our distance, and after, she told me about her open relationship.

 

Alex was (and might still be) "together" with a guy about my age. And that guy has an official, or how to say it politely, girlfriend. And the guy was about to leave the town he and Alex have met in, and she was already feeling the emotional distance growing between them. Believe me, I had my greatest facepalm of my life, when I heard this. How could I just not ask for further details in the beginning, I can't say. If I had known this, I would've never ever texted her back besides a good-bye message. We were both shaken by our emotions, both of us turned on the waterworks, not the loud choking kind, but the gentle.

Then I told her, that it would be O.K. for me to just consider this a one-night-stand and be with it, that's all, if she hadn't, how could I say this... adress my whole self? Not just parts of me, but my whole body, soul, mind, heart, everything that I have, she somehow managed to touch. And that is something only two people have managed this far; my best friends (well, excluding the body part, as they both are guys as well). She told me the exact same thing, and that she really doesn't know what to do. I said, hey, you don't have to decide it right now, I can wait, I understand how sudden this is for you. But I'm not going to wait for eternity. She accepted, we hugged and went to vent a little, apart from each other. I got really drunk afterwards, but the two concerts took my drunkenness away by the time I got back to the tent. I was going to go for another round with my newfly found drinking buddies, but when I went back to the tent for something, she was already there waiting for me. She grabbed my hand and pulled me inside wanting me to sleep (and just sleep) with her right at that time. I didn't really want to force anything, I laid down spooning with her, and asked: "would you rather want me to disappear?" And what a determinate answer I got! "maybe rather not".

That was enough for me to lose all my doubts about wanting to be with her. The next 3 days we were mainly together. It was strange, sometimes she acted like she was my girlfriend and sometimes she kept her distance strictly. Couldn't really read her emotions. She always flushed and was always smiling when I looked in her eyes, I felt her wanting to be close to me, we played on the beach, sat there admiring the ducks' simpleness and beauty, feeling free and happy about the little children running forth and back enjoying the moment, etc. Other times she just kept standing in the way of situations where anything romantic could develop. Now I can tell almost 100% surely, that I couldn't read her because she still didn't know what she wanted. And I can understand that.

After the festival we returned to our 2-3 days response frequency, and we're still like that, but it's getting hard on me. More on this later.

 

I really wish to leave my parental home again now and I have a few options. Going abroad, the capital city, and after the festival I took the town where Alex lives into consideration. She seemed to be glad about it, but would not tell me straight-on her opinion. I still have to work for months before I could move away from here, so I have time to think.

Now, I don't know if it was just a burst of flames from her side, or something more serious could develop. I don't want to ask her yet, I might easily scare her off.

A strange thing to be added: I feel like I love her not with my heart, but with my whole self. There is no pink\purple mist, no butterflies in my stomach, and the feeling is way gentler than what I'm used to. This relationship took months to develop, and all my previous girlfriends were my girlfriends after a week of acquaintenance or so. This whole situation feels like something I've already encountered countless times but in an entirely new costume I can't recognize. If it was sooooo easy and yet so difficult. When you want to say something and you can't remember the word(s) and it feels like it's on the tip of your tongue.

Apart from this, I actually feel pretty damn confused and some nights devastated even. And hell, it does surprise me every day, as I've met death first and second hand many times, dealt with many really-really difficult stuff, I managed to leave a girl whom I loved dearly because it was the right thing to do, and I always held high, and now... Now THIS beats me.

 

The story might be a mess, I lost half of my progress due to a browser error and had to re-write it, but I hope you guys will get the hang of it.

So I really am curious about your opinions about this. Is there any good in trying to get closer to Alex? Am I being too patient, not needy enough? Am I giving too much control to her, losing my masculinity? Am I... overthinking?

Gosh, I feel like I was a teen again.

Alex was (and might still be) "together" with a guy about my age. And that guy has an official, or how to say it politely, girlfriend. And the guy was about to leave the town he and Alex have met in, and she was already feeling the emotional distance growing between them.

You call it an "open relationship" but was it really just her helping a guy with a girlfriend to cheat? Either way, she is the side piece and she's upset that he's leaving town with his primary partner? Yea.. she's really ready to be in a serious relationship with you... (sarcasm).

 

I think, due to your romantic nature (as shown in your writing style) and your deep infatuation (not love) of this girl, you're ignoring the obvious.

Is there any good in trying to get closer to Alex? Am I being too patient, not needy enough? Am I giving too much control to her, losing my masculinity? Am I... overthinking?

Gosh, I feel like I was a teen again.

 

No, I feel like you should date other women. Don't over invest, she is looking for something casual and fun, she said she is in an open relationship. Also she's 17, probably wants to date around and many women this age are curious about relationships and men in general.

Yeah, it may be time to set everyone in this scenario free and just follow your heart and play the field.

The term "open relationship" comes from her. I don't really know what to think of it, as all I know about the two of them is written above in my post. But yes, I get what you mean. It's crystal clear that I want it to happen now, and I know that it wouldn't work as of yet, so my question regarding this thought is: Do you think that if I wait, I will have a chance?

 

I think I know what you mean, but please ellaborate the obvious.

No, I feel like you should date other women. Don't over invest, she is looking for something casual and fun, she said she is in an open relationship. Also she's 17, probably wants to date around and many women this age are curious about relationships and men in general.

 

I actually try and not to focus too much on her, I keep my eyes open. My problem about this is that she and my previous girlfriends set the bar so high, that I've become extremely picky, maybe even unhealthly picky. Thanks for the reply, though!

Do you think that if I wait, I will have a chance?

My question to you is why do you think that someone that willinging helps a man to cheat would be a good partner to pursue?

 

You are barking up the tree of a woman that doesn't give a flying you know what about others and is only concerned with herself and instant gratification. Unless you are also non-monogamous, I suggest you pursue someone who is more compatible in the relationship boundary department. You are only setting yourself up to having your own relationship with her "opening up" if you don't.

 

She is the type that would use you as a human bandaid in order to get over the man she actually wants... that being her cheating sex partner currently and anyone else that peaks her interest after she has gotten you hooked on her. She's 17 for goodness sakes and isn't going to suddenly go monogamous for you. She's not emotionally mature enough to form anything of substance with you or anyone else. Some at that age are, she's not one of them.

Yeah, it may be time to set everyone in this scenario free and just follow your heart and play the field.

 

Well, my heart tells me I should be patient and when I have the opportunity, go and try it. But I'll remember what you said and try to loosen my grip on it.

My question to you is why do you think that someone that willinging helps a man to cheat would be a good partner to pursue?

 

Hell if I know!

Apart from this side of her, she seems to be the human being I've been looking for so long, and that might have blinded me. But yeah, it's not something that should be excluded from the picture. I get it. Thank you for your time! Your words actually did force me out of my stubborn lines of thought a bit.

Hell if I know!

Apart from this side of her, she seems to be the human being I've been looking for so long, and that might have blinded me. But yeah, it's not something that should be excluded from the picture. I get it. Thank you for your time! Your words actually did force me out of my stubborn lines of thought a bit.

Well, you can do better I'm sure not to mention that she's not even local and by continuing to interact with her cyberly, you're not doing your emotional health any good. Do the fade and set your sites on someone with whom you can get to know in person and be able to nurture a relationship of substance with.

 

Wishing you well.

I actually try and not to focus too much on her, I keep my eyes open. My problem about this is that she and my previous girlfriends set the bar so high, that I've become extremely picky, maybe even unhealthly picky. Thanks for the reply, though!

 

OP you say you are picky but you completely seem to ignore some glaring red flags about her values... she is willing to be some guy’s side piece and also sleep with you on the side... your pickiness doesn’t extend to who a person is on the inside then just who they are on the outside?

 

I would say this isn’t about being “picky” but more that you aren’t ready for a real relationship with someone that is ready for one with you.... this girl (she is still a child yes) is someone that isn’t available emotionally or physically and if you are expecting her to be at some point you will be disappointed.

Sounds like she's only in an "open relationship" with the guy because he's cheating with her on his official girlfriend. A part of her is already invested in that situation or she wouldn't have stuck around for so long. She's not really available for the taking, not in the way that someone like you would want. She has emotional dysfunction and self-esteem issues if she's okay being someone's affair partner.

 

I can't help but wonder--when you say you're picky--is that in reference to what she looks like? I can't imagine that you would be so bowled over by her if there wasn't the wow factor, because logically she has made some poor choices and has strung you along in this waiting game so that you're now not really available emotionally for a healthy woman to walk into your life.

In answer to your original question - NO, you haven't found your soulmate.

 

What you have found is a high level of infatuation with a very pretty kid who's too young to know who she is yet. It wouldn't be appropriate to try and have a meaningful relationship with someone this young, even if it would be legal, as she's still a teenager with a lot of growing up to do.

 

She's incapable of being anyone's soulmate!

I can't help but wonder--when you say you're picky--is that in reference to what she looks like? I can't imagine that you would be so bowled over by her if there wasn't the wow factor, because logically she has made some poor choices and has strung you along in this waiting game so that you're now not really available emotionally for a healthy woman to walk into your life.

 

She looks good, yes, but not even close to my wow-level, so to say. It's not about that. By my bar being set high I meant I want every good part of my previous relationships and romantic interests in the next one, for example: My ex girlfriend of 3 years was so damn caring, so cute, she wanted to do almost everything together, willing (but unfortunately unable) to change for the better for the sake of our relationship. Alex a few days ago took a homeless person she met by chance on the streets to a fast food restaurant. I can talk with her about everything, our talks always are constructive even if we disagree on something. She managed to convince me to move out of my comfort zone (e.g. play football, eh, I hate that), and that is a rare thing, furthermore I actually enjoyed it with her. Trying to summarize: After I've experienced something good in my relationships or found something valuable in the other person, I can't settle with someone who misses any of these traits.

Sure, in this case, Alex misses the loyalty and commitment I need, but unfortunately I found this out after I've fallen for her (or what to say, after I got infatuated with her).

OP you say you are picky but you completely seem to ignore some glaring red flags about her values... she is willing to be some guy’s side piece and also sleep with you on the side... your pickiness doesn’t extend to who a person is on the inside then just who they are on the outside?

 

I would say this isn’t about being “picky” but more that you aren’t ready for a real relationship with someone that is ready for one with you.... this girl (she is still a child yes) is someone that isn’t available emotionally or physically and if you are expecting her to be at some point you will be disappointed.

 

My conflict comes from what you've written. Until the moment I learnt what kind of open relationship she's having, everything, and I say, everything was ok. I was even wondering about how could have I found anyone this cool. And then those red flags came, and I fail to put these things together.

I really might not be ready. In the last few nights, I gave some thoughts to my prev. relationship. I may have swept the necessary but painful stages of recovering under the carpet, and the whole thing with Alex could have easly dragged it out, pushing me into this maelstrom.

I noted what you wrote, I'm not going to wait much longer. Thanks!