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Confused - what do I do?


sguk18

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Good evening all, this is my first time posting on a forum but my head is all over the place at the moment.

 

I've been talking to this girl at work now for the past two months. There was always attraction there as we were very flirty and enjoy each other's company.

 

4 weeks ago we went up a notch in getting to know each other. We joked about being each other's stalker and would make light of this in messages. After that, we were constantly messaging for at least two weeks. Things were looking up, she would call me most nights. We would never reveal how we felt about each other and it was a constant decline to comment thing when it was about each other. Her friend who is a lot older, she hangs around with a fair bit. This girl added me to a group chat with her after I had spoke to this friend a few times in person and on the phone. So I knew of her quite well if we talk about the present moment.

 

as things blossomed, she would go hot and cold on me. One minute she was all affection and talk, the next she would be quiet. Subconsciously this was a test. I messaged her asking if i said anything to upset her? Being as we had spoke about me going to the gym and she would jokingly ask if i had been staring at girls. Which obviously human nature is to stare. This was my case. I also said that one time I will make her jealous if i have to. Probably not the best move. She said not to be silly and everything was fine. She said she goes quiet with everyone when her head is all over the place. So I decided to test her one day by not greeting her with my usual good morning message. Much to my thoughts, she messaged me around mid day asking why I hadn't messaged good morning. So I said I had been busy at work which wasn't far from the truth but I personally think you need time apart from contact to gain your own thoughts and make the heart fonder. Whenever i go anywhere she will ask who i am ,with? At times I will be honest and at other times I will keep quiet about it...

 

So Tuesday this week came.... I hadn't been able to stop thinking about her and I was slowly falling for her. My ploy to make her jealous had faded and instead I wanted to nurture her. So we spoke on the phone about honesty and I said I liked her and wanted to get to know her better in person rather than messaging. So we met up around midnight and her friend came.... she seems to be the instigator for the girl.... she will only meet up with me if she is present as she's quite nervous... at work she is confident... out of work she is shy towards me. At first she was very very quiet. Didn't say a word. So she got in my car and we spoke. She said about when I didn't message her good morning and how she had been thinking about me. Then we spoke about going out. I had previously agreed with this girl we would start off as friends as it's what we are both comfortable doing.... rather than jumping into bed straight away. We prefer to get to know each other first. So the friend so about how good friendships can blossom into amazing relationships.... and how someone messaging a girl good morning and good night every day showed they cared. This girl remained quiet as she is shy as I mentioned. The friend also asked if there was chemistry between us. She nodded and so did I. Then I got her one to one as the friend wanted to give us space. I said to her you obviously care as you wouldn't be here tonight? Especially after our confusing phone call previously that night. She agreed. We spoke about things in general. All seemed positive but as I know she can be an overthinker, I said we can hang out tomorrow night with no expectations.... Just as friends... She also said she wants me to message more and ring her every night. She said her only objection was my psycho sister who she didn't like as she caused trouble for her before at work. Also, my sister had been going out with her friend previously for some time before. So we parted ways and messaged each other good night...

 

Following morning, I was off work and she was at work. I message her as often as I could... I rang her that night and she was fairly short on the phone as she was tired... she said she would let me know about going out but didn't in the end... again I don't think she will go anywhere without her friend.... Instead, she put pics on the group chat of her out on her own saying she needed thinking space for herself. Her and her friend also said about my beard making me look homeless... and I heard her say as the signal cut out if she was with me she would tell me to cut it off. She didn't realise I could hear so I said to her about this and cut my beard off down the phone. I was gonna get rid of it the following morning for work anyhow.

 

Thursday came and a week before we said about going to the beach when I finished work.... and her friend would come.... on the phone the night before, where she was short she said she wouldn't be going know and instead was busy. So I didn't message her all day, apart from the usual good morning message. The time came and she asked where I was? I said you said we weren't going now. She asked where I was and I told her I was out of town. She seemed a little bothered as she just put bye. A few weeks ago she asked where I was and when I said I was busy, she just put bye hence why I asked her at the time if I had upset her. So I stuck to my guns to show I wasn't a doormat. It got to about 9pm and I asked her where she was. She was at the beach. So with no further ado I went down there to surprise her. When I got there, the friend was there again as planned. I spoke more to her than the girl. We acknowledged each other but again she was very quiet. We spoke about getting our wires mixed and things were ok.

 

Later on that night in the group chat, she posted a photo of her drinking and there was a male leg. The friend was asking if it was me as if she knew it wasn't? I obviously done my best not to get jealous. Instead I showed that I didn't care by just ignoring it. Off and on she had been posting in the group full well knowing I would see about her fit hair dresser etc. Again I chose to ignore. Then today there was a message on the group and she's off work for a few days. She posted a pic of where she was going on holiday and the friend said I hope you have a lovely time with who you're going with etc. The holiday was booked at 3am so it was very sporadic. Again, she chose to comment these things on the group so I could see, rather than indirectly message her friend. She said about the travel companion and I joked about it saying was she going with the hairy leg guy or her crazed stalker who she fobbed off a couple of weeks ago. She said don't miss me too much, and I said I wouldn't at all. Her friend posted a pic saying true love, don't tell anyone, true happiness, dont tell anyone and live your life. She then added I'm so happy for you after 6 months and all the s who tried to mess it up for you.

 

I then directly messaged her asking if everything was ok again and I was confused. She said I haven't upset her and I'm her friend plus her signal isn't great when driving. She also said she was boarding the boat and would message me as often as she could. Of course, directly to me she didn't say she was with anyone and last week she said she was looking at holidays by herself. Even though in the group her friend had been saying she had a travel companion (trying to hint it was another guy) I said I will miss her. And she said she thought I wouldn't miss her after I joked I wouldn't. I said this previously to show her I can cope without her when she goes away and I'm my own man with plenty of friends and family to do stuff. Deep down I'm a wreck without her. But to her face, I portray the alpha male. She asked why I was confused? I said it was because how she was talkative to me at work and through message but in person out of work and on the phone she was really quiet. She didn't acknowledge the question and moved onto something else. I really care about her and if she is quiet and sensitive but goes hot and cold on me, I want her to be honest with me so I can do the same. I want to protect her and hopefully progress this relationship. Now it's Friday night and I'm sat here thinking of her while messaging other girls to meet up to get her back for making me jealous on the group chat. She said to me previously she was a very jealous type. So I plan to meet up with some girls who I know well and post pics of us. I really don't want to play games but I think we are both guilty of this.

 

Previously I messaged her friend and we were talking about this girl as she brought the topic up. I said I liked her and she is a nice girl. Also said she is as crazy as me which for me is a first to find someone like that. She replied saying good with a smiley face.

 

Going back to the holiday subject, she put a status up saying she was waiting at the ferry port but she didn't tag anyone in it. Even though her friend said we would find out who she was with if she put a status up. She chose not to and last week like I say she said she would be looking to go on holiday on her own.

 

I'm so confused and also hurting. I really want to be with her but also work things out. If anyone can advise me in what to do better and how to deal with this situation, please help. I haven't told her I'm hurting but secretly I am. She's always been misunderstood just like myself but we get each other. Any opinions now matter how harsh they may be will also be of benefit. Sorry for the long winded essay but I need advice on what to do.

 

Best Regards

 

PS. Just to add to this, she has just messaged me out of the blue asking what would people do without her? I have chosen not to reply let alone show I have read it, all the while she is talking to her friend in the group to get my attention rather than directly messaging her. I've also seen she posted a pic of her bed for the night on the group chat and her friend said you sure that's enough room for 2 people? The girl instantly put ooops wrong chat. Since writing this post, I think I'm better off without her.

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She's just wasting your time. A lot of women just don't know how to say no to people. So she just goes along with you because she can't say no. But on the other hand, she can't say yes either.

 

Of course, I'm trying to find the part of your story where you asked her out on a date, a real date. You met up with her at midnight. You made plans to meet her at the beach. Hmm. Those aren't real dates. You know, dinner. A movie. Spending a little money on her?

 

And then, of course, you're hinting that she has a boyfriend since she seems to be traveling with another guy.

 

I don't know exactly what's going on. Maybe you've been hurt in the past and you're hesitant to date her. She might have another boyfriend. You both spend too much time on group chats.

 

I think you need to move on and find another girl that you can date in real life and not have to play games with each other.

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I am getting the impression that she is not mature enough to date anyone seriously, OP.

 

She plays games, won't see you one-to-one without a friend in tow as a buffer, dances around the topic of actually getting to know you, will barely speak to you when you see her outside of work, and expects you to call her every night? And these "I'm going to make you jealous!" games are so high school. Don't go that route. You both rely on these group chats to pretend not to care about the other. It's all so silly. How old are you both?

 

Ask her out properly for a date (without the friend's involvement whatsoever) or drop the idea and move on. The way you have both been approaching this is counterproductive and fear-based, but if you want to finally know what her deal is, you are going to have to take a chance and ask her out. If you get a vague or coy or otherwise juvenile reply, forget about her.

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Wow, what an eventful night! So I messaged the friend to meet up with me and managed to persuade her while the girl is away. We met up and I had what I wanted to find out in the back of my mind but I wasn't going to ask any questions... instead she started coming out with it as she felt bad. She said the girl messages me for validation so she gets a buzz and she constantly needs this. She also thinks I would run after her at any given point. I have only done this once. She also thinks I message her too much which is not the case as she constantly calls and messages me. I knocked her ideas on the idea after 1 day of it. Now tonight, it turns out she is on holiday with my co worker and I know exactly what he is like. He is only interested in one night stands etc. Now she is messaging me practically begging for validation about her looks, her personality and saying how upset she is and she wants to come home. I've completely ignored her being as she has been playing with me at times. She pretended to be drunk on messages to me but I didn't believe it. So her friend put the co workers name on the group chat and put oops wrong chat. And then the friend messages me laughing about it. I feel the power has shifted and I know what is what now. If she is serious about me, she will have to get down and grovel. I will not be used as an emotional pillow. Now I know the truth, I wouldn't know what to say back to her questions about her looks etc as I wouldn't want to give her validation like she so craves.... and by the way, she has no idea me and her friend met up.... and the co worker has said she's not a good woman. Truth always comes out! Now I shall just ignore her and initiate from time to time.... but I'm not getting involved with her unless she begs me. She's a nice girl but she doesn't even realise her games and how many people she hurts all the time. She isn't getting her drug from me now and she is clucking.... ;-)

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Why bother at all? Why be in her fan club and in the friendzone? Aren't there girls you can date outside of work who are interested in you?

 

 

I'm a sucker for punishment 😈 I'm not the biggest fan of dating websites because for some reason I don't get any attention. I'm a good looking guy but maybe it's how I come across? Work for me is a social gathering and a pay cheque... I'm looking to sort this though as I step up to management in the coming future. Just need to find the right girl for me and go clubbing more I guess...

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Now I shall just ignore her and initiate from time to time.... but I'm not getting involved with her unless she begs me.

 

You realize how immature this is, don't you?

 

Just forget her and move on. Playing silly power games is childish and won't land you a decent girl. Just out of curiosity, how old are you and this girl?

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You realize how immature this is, don't you?

 

Just forget her and move on. Playing silly power games is childish and won't land you a decent girl. Just out of curiosity, how old are you and this girl?

 

Both 25... she doesn't even realise she's playing the games half the time and pretending to be drunk over messenger.... when really she's sober.... what is all that about? I've only stooped to her level, probably not the best thing to do. I'll keep my distance.

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Break up with her and get on some dating apps. Why not have fun meeting girls rather than trying to decipher all this bs?

 

I can't help who I like 😉 You're probably right though. I haven't spoke to her for a couple of days because she lost her phone abroad.

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Why do you like her? Is she super hot or something?

 

And if you do truly like her, why would you want her to beg and grovel?

 

I like her because put all that aside, she's funny, can't pronounce her words right sometimes, we get on like a house on fire from time time, we are both as crazy as each other, she's mysterious, she has beautiful eyes which she could never change and I love her long hair...

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She sounds insanely immature for a 25-year-old, OP.

 

Remember that if you decide to pursue her. It will be like dating a teenager.

 

I will wait and see when she's back... but even then, I shall stand in the background. Plus seek out other women to keep options open... what will be will be...

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She returned last night and things didn't work out for her abroad. First thing she does? Rings me.... But the magic inside also returned... I will keep things cool and take this slowly as well as cutting out the immaturity.

 

You know that's not a good thing, right?

 

You've just learned she sees you as Fall-Back Boy, my friend.

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You know that's not a good thing, right?

 

You've just learned she sees you as Fall-Back Boy, my friend.

 

You could say that but she was seeing the other guy for w while which I didn't know. When things didn't work out for her and I told her I was serious, things changed. She's been making all the effort today.

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