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Long Distance Boyfriend being distant after fight


QT314

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Hi, I know this is probably one of the most common questions and there's millions of answers all over the internet, but I would still like some advice since every story is different, so let me start with saying your help/advice would be much appreciated.

 

Little backstory:

My boyfriend(27yo) and I (24yo) are both gamer/nerds and we met through friends from our online gaming. We've been dating for 5months now, and he came visit me in early July.

This is both our first online relationship, and I think started out right with him "asking me out", our first date was movie together (online with face cam, we both dolled up and all), then we continue to have date night on the weekends and it's always a blast. So we decided to be exclusive around 2 months in, and during Mother's Day he decided to tell his parents that he's dating me, and soon after we planned his first visit in July.

 

 

 

I would like start off and say that I admit the argument is 90% my fault.

 

We're very similar yet very different. (eg. we're both gamers but we play completely different game, usually not be interested in each other's games with few exceptions.)

We both are very open and honest, both mature and logical in terms of handle issues, both not interested in playing dating games, both have similar view of the world etc, most importantly we both see potential in this relationship and would love it to work out, yet where we are at in life is very different.

 

My boyfriend had been through a rough long term relationship (they've been together since highschool, almost got married after highschool, broke up, got back together, and eventually he's done, broke up and been single for last 2 years), so he's definitely taking one step at a time, and he warned me that he's more private and will take quite a bit of time to trust, to open up and depend on his lover again.

He's the type that's super chill and laid back, focus on present moments of the relationships/life.He's content with life now since he feels like he done what he wanted, and whatever happen happens.(Which is also exactly why I like him and find him inspiring since it's a mindset I want myself to have)

 

While I'm haven't been through any long-term relationship, since I hardly find people interesting and attractive, still all puppy eyes and having unrealistic expectations.

Also the last year of my life is an absolute mess, I'm perfectionist that tent to overthink everything and get insecure, yet lazy to put in the effort so I'm a little torn and 100% trying to work on myself. I met my boyfriend just as I'm working through my issues, and all the sudden I completely switched gears and focus on the relationship instead of myself, and that's where all the problem comes in.

 

After 3months where the infatuation start slowing down, I started overthinking things, trying to fix what's not broken. With time I just become this person that pick out smallest thing and turned it into relationship ending catastrophe, I become very insecure about myself, wondering if he's happy with me, does he love me as much as I like him? (We haven't said I love you yet, also he doesn't use words to show affection, which makes it harder in LDR)

In July when he's here with me, we had tons of fun together, waking up next to each other and having the day together feels so natural, but also lots of quiet moment like we'll be in a restaurant or long car ride completely silence, I'm usually chatty with friends, but enjoy just being comfortable and quiet around my lover, yet my insecurities was kicking off so hard that I thought maybe we aren't meant to be blah blah.

Once he's gone, I become even more a handful, just always feel so sad and think this isn't working that isn't working, almost once a week I'll find something and he needs to spend half a day to talk me through it.

It doesn't exactly help that we found a game that both of us enjoy to play, and we hardly talk except necessarily call-outs cause we talk about our days and stuff via text throughout the day already, and seeing him having fun with our friends, way more chatty and laughing makes me feel like worse. (He keep re-ensuring that he's happy and always had fun with me)

 

We had our first real fight on 2 nights ago, all because we were texting each other 20mins before our date night, and he's so tired that he passed out and slept through his alarm. He woke up an hour late, apologized immediately and was pretty mad at himself, usually I've no problem with it and will still try to get together. But mentally I've been intoxicating myself for months, so I blew up on him, he apologized more and I blew up even more.

Then it just turned into this full blown argument, he told me that he's walking on eggshells with me, and walled himself off a little since every little thing just turned into this huge headache, also he feels like I'm dangling our relationship on a thread since I'll say something like "If you think blah blah...I don't think we'll work" implying things are either my way or the highway (I see where he's coming from, while that's not my intention at all)

He also think that I thought he's alien that he's content with life in his 20s, considering I've so much issues I want to work through, want to try new things to find new passions etc (I told him I don't since my mother is the very same way)

Either way, I'm adult enough to understand it's my inner issues causing all these problem, so I apologized to him.

 

After that, he's been distant with me, no more calling me "babe" or cute nicknames, no more morning/night text, no more talking about how our day went etc, the only text we exchange now is something he'll share with a friend.

I feel absolute dreadful, but understand he needs space, and I need to work on myself, so I'm not messaging him unless he talks to me, and I went out with my friends doing my own thing and eventually felt a lot better.

 

This turnout to be a slap in the face, make me realized I'm so focus in the relationship that's obsessive, and it's wrong to stem all my happiness from the relationship, creating so much pressure for him that's sucking the life out of our relationship. Also I see that all these overthinking/insecurities make me give out that "my way or highway" vibe, since I always want to talk about feelings with him, and want him to be lovey dovey with me, or else I'll create massive headache for him. (And I think it really kicked where it hurts too, since he told me his previous lovers complaint that he seems to don't care enough, which I don't see since I understand he speaks a different love language, but he definitely puts in effort, and me creating stress/problems make him feel like I don't appreciate his effort)

 

It's still a learning process for me, and I get that we both need some time and space, but how much time is reasonable?

Or, I should just let him have however long he needs, wait for him to reach out to me, try to just keep things light (like not bother by him not wanting to hangout), and just work on myself?

Is there any good advice on how to work on myself?

Can we actually fix things and have us close and happy again?

If he does start to be closer with me, aside from apologizing, what kind of talk we should have with each other?

 

 

Sorry for the long post and tons of questions, it's the first time I've been an argument like this, and would love this relationship to work out.

Thank you.

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You may not like the answer but you need to stop Internet dating and find a real boyfriend where you live. Nobody has ever written into ENotAlone saying how great their Internet relationship has been. Instead it is always a frustrating experience. You don't really know what the other person is thinking. You can't touch them. You can't be with them. You're missing 90% of what a relationship is about. And, unfortunately, Internet dating attracts a lot of people who are hiding from having a real relationship. And it also attracts a lot of people with personal issues such as autism, depression, anxiety and others.

 

So you need to call it quits. Stop contacting each other and move on. You need to have someone sitting in the same room as you are and not being hundreds of miles away on FaceTime.

 

You don't give a lot of information about your friend, possibly because you really don't know much about him. He may be just leading you along or dating other people online. It happens a lot and it may be generating some of your insecurities. Also a lot of Internet breakups happen once people actually meet each other, and that also may figure into this as well.

 

Once you're out of this relationship, then you will have time to work on yourself. Go out with friends. Meet up with family members. Get out in the sun. Lie on a beach and go out an have some fun. Use the time you would have spent talking to this boy to enjoy yourself. And you might find someone you can actually be with in person. But give up on this Internet fantasy. It's crumbling all around you.

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You may not like the answer but you need to stop Internet dating and find a real boyfriend where you live. Nobody has ever written into ENotAlone saying how great their Internet relationship has been. Instead it is always a frustrating experience. You don't really know what the other person is thinking. You can't touch them. You can't be with them. You're missing 90% of what a relationship is about. And, unfortunately, Internet dating attracts a lot of people who are hiding from having a real relationship. And it also attracts a lot of people with personal issues such as autism, depression, anxiety and others.

 

So you need to call it quits. Stop contacting each other and move on. You need to have someone sitting in the same room as you are and not being hundreds of miles away on FaceTime.

 

You don't give a lot of information about your friend, possibly because you really don't know much about him. He may be just leading you along or dating other people online. It happens a lot and it may be generating some of your insecurities. Also a lot of Internet breakups happen once people actually meet each other, and that also may figure into this as well.

 

Once you're out of this relationship, then you will have time to work on yourself. Go out with friends. Meet up with family members. Get out in the sun. Lie on a beach and go out an have some fun. Use the time you would have spent talking to this boy to enjoy yourself. And you might find someone you can actually be with in person. But give up on this Internet fantasy. It's crumbling all around you.

 

 

 

Thanks for your quick reply DanZee.

I absolutely see where you're coming from, obviously LDR/internet relationship is hard and everyone thought they would make it.

I'm still young and exploring what I want in life, and without a doubt slightly depressed (been to doctors and stuff for that) and have been through a few internet relationships and real life relationships.

 

My previous real life relationships fell apart and kicked up a lot of my insecurities, somehow I'll sense that they're walling me out, I would just cry and think I'm less than perfect and stress them out more. (One of them turnsout to still have feelings for an ex, and the other just wasn't feeling it but not having the balls to end things). While online relationship I would spent time with these guys, but like you said I hardly truly know them, or it's all talk no meeting up.

That's also why I see potential my current relationship, as much as I've my insecurities, in time I learn to trust him and because we actually made plan about meeting up(and we did), also we talked about relocating in the future if things go well. (We planned to have me fly over and spend 2-3 weeks together during Christmas, meeting his parents and friends and all that, since it's his birthday and my family is half way across the world so we usually don't get together)

 

I guess I didn't think it's related to the argument that's why I didn't provide much information about him. All our friends (old friends and any new ones we met) thinks that he's an awesome guy, he's private about his personal life and very independent, friends that known him for years all said that he's very faithful and try his hardest for the relationship, and were really happy that he met me and I made him so happy.(They know it's serious if he tells them he's dating someone) Like I said, he's also content with life, when I asked him about his dreams or thought about getting marry one day, he said he just want to be happy, and he would want a stress-less and supportive marriage.

He's been working in the same small company for years (his boss might give him a promotion soon, which he didn't tell anyone yet but me), he moved a lot when he's young which lead him to give up on speed-skating, so now he's just happy to stay at home play games with his friends, every weekend he would drive to see his parents, and occasionally he would drive hours to meet up with his friends to play music. He also gives me plenty of freedom doing whatever (no controlling/jealous boyfriend woohoo!), and considering how he always comfort me when I create issues, I really learn to trust him and fall for him, and truly think any woman would be lucky to have him.

 

 

In the end of the day, I think it's me that's not fair to him because I need so much inner work considering I was in a slump for ages and taking my time to build up my confident and be happy with myself again.

Either way, all I'm trying to say is that I think we have lots of potential, and would love to give this my very best, if the stress/fight really break us, then I'm sure we'll be mature enough to break it off. (At least he would be)

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Long distance relationships basically suck. I have been in several and they stated by meeting in person while I was traveling and then we carried on. I had one overseas and another just another state away. I was even in one where the person was just a few hours away - but we couldn't see each other during the week and sometimes not on the weekend either. Each relationship ended up being enormously frustrating and painful (after what you said - the initial period). The other poster is correct. There is no substitute for being in person and being able to see a person's face (not on a screen) and touch their hand. You sound like a bright young lady and have a lot to offer the world. Get outside. Ration yourself away from living in a virtual world. There is a real world outside your door with real people who need you in their lives and you need them. I bet a lot of that depression will dissipate when you have some actual in person human company. Wishing you all the best!

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This is why relationships that are primarily online rarely work out well, OP. They eventually lose their novelty and just cannot compete with dating someone you can spend much more time with in person. Watching a movie together on FaceTieme is not the same as meeting your partner to go to the cinema or cuddle up on the sofa with Netflix, and most will quickly tire of the former.

 

I think he tried, but is losing interest. This is likely a combination of your insecurity and the fact that you almost never see each other in person. It is exhausting to constantly soothe and reassure someone, but when you add in the fact that this is essentially a cyber relationship, it likely doesn't have the legs to last. I know you don't want to hear that, but it's already falling apart and it's barely off the ground. That is not a good sign. I would work on your insecurities anyway, but I think you are going to find that your inner work will serve you better in a future relationship that is conducted offline.

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Maybe you're a bit emotionally unavailable. That's common in people who choose partners who live far away and resort to long distance relationships from the get go. (Not talking about the relationships that start with both in the same area and then by some reason there's a period of long distance with concrete plans of getting back to the same area in a definite period of time). It might be a way of dealing with your insecurities.

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  • 2 weeks later...

First - Long Distance Relationships can work. I was in one for 14month, then I moved half around the world and we are now together for over 20years. Always depends on how important it is for you.

You can sit in the same room with someone but that doesn't mean you have a working relationship. Distance is one factor but not the only one in a relationship.

 

From what you wrote I see two issues (and it sounds like you know that already):

 

- you need to be more self sufficient and not "need" the other one to make you happy. That is not his job. You need to love yourself first before anyone else will love you the way you are. That will also take away your insecurities and fears which seemed to be the root of your problems and fights. So first make sure you are happy with yourself just the way you are. Make sure you do stuff that makes you happy and not put that as a burden on your partner. "You have to make me happy" is the quickest way to kill any relationship, long distance or not.

 

- You need to communicate better. What stops you from telling him what you wrote in the post? That you know that the fight is mainly your fault and the reason behind it? You insecurities and catastrophizing? Being the great guy you described him as he might actually be a great help for you to get passt this and grow your personality to a much more secure, confident and content level. Give him a chance by being honest.

 

So I don't agree with the idea to "give it up and find someone close to you" because you will create the same situation with someone else, as I think the cause is you being unhappy with yourself and feeling insecure, even though you don't have any reason to.

 

Wishing you all the best!

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