Don’t get along with sister in law

My husband’s sister in law is pretty awful. She’s hurt my feelings numerous times (I have a feeling she does it on purpose) and then she gets mad at me for being mad at her and then doesn’t invite me to things (baby showers, etc.). I don’t understand how she can knowingly do something to hurt my feelings and then be mad that my feelings are hurt. But, that’s what she does. Anyways, I don’t like the person I am becoming. I secretly wish bad things to happen to her. Like I wish her sweet husband would divorce her because she is so mean to him. And when she got a new beautiful house (for free from her in laws) I constantly thought about how she doesn’t deserve it. And when I found out she was pregnant again, I wasn’t happy for her. I can’t stop obsessing over the fact that all of these wonderful things keep happening to her when she doesn’t deserve them because she treats people awful. I’d also like to add that she treats other family members awful also. So it’s not just me. How do I stop thinking these awful thoughts? I want to stop thinking about her but I can’t. Every time something good happens to her, I cringe. I stalk her Facebook and roll my eyes at every picture she posts. And then roll my eyes some more as I read the comments. I guess it just bothers me that her Facebook friends obviously don’t know the same person I know. Give me some advice please!!!!

Unfortunately it sounds like you are envious of her. Clearly you could avoid her as much as possible and certainly unfriend and unfollow her on social media and/or limit what you see, what she can see. Only therapy can tap into to roots of your real unhappiness and whatever voids you feel are in your life. How is your relationship with your husband and your other in-laws?

How do I stop thinking these awful thoughts? I want to stop thinking about her but I can’t. Every time something good happens to her, I cringe. I stalk her Facebook and roll my eyes at every picture she posts.

There is a clue. Unfriend her. Quit obsessing over toxic people and focus on the positive people in your life. You’ll be much happier.

Well...you aren't going to like the advice, but I think you need to be first honest with yourself that a lot of what you are feeling is simply jealousy more than anything.

As for how to get over it, stop engaging with her so much. Her life is literally none of your business. Delete your FB account and start focusing on YOUR life and what you have instead of what others are doing in an imaginary world known as FB. In general when it comes to in-laws, keep it civil, but arm's length. There is no law that you and her need to be pals, that you need to be invited to her life and what she does and so no. None. Make YOUR OWN life great and you won't have to be jealous of what others have. While you are so busy stalking her on FB, you are turning your back on your life and not making it wonderful. Time to focus on what matters - you, your life, your husband, your marriage, your personal happiness and it sure as heck won't come from your in-laws.

There is a clue. Unfriend her. Quit obsessing over toxic people and focus on the positive people in your life. You’ll be much happier.

Absolutely agree, unfriend her on facebook. That's the first step.

My SIL is a PITA in a different way, and I just avoid her like the plague. She lies and has all sorts of nasty habits. I havent seen her in a good 20 years and dont plan to start. I dont answer the phone if she calls. You need to have as little to do with your own PITA as is humanly possible.

Also, you do sound jealous, so you may want to examine that possibility.

Just ignore her. Stop looking at her on Facebook. Stop obsessing about her. Concentrate on your marriage and your husband. Read up on Emily Post's rules for polite society. There's ways you can convey your annoyance with your sister-in-law. When people ask you why you were at a baby shower, you can answer that the invitation must have been lost in the mail. There are other snappy answers you can give that won't be interpreted as throwing shade on your SIL.

And by the way, I meant to say “husband’s sister” not “husband’s sister in law”

Absolutely agree, unfriend her on facebook. That's the first step.

 

My SIL is a PITA in a different way, and I just avoid her like the plague. She lies and has all sorts of nasty habits. I havent seen her in a good 20 years and dont plan to start. I dont answer the phone if she calls. You need to have as little to do with your own PITA as is humanly possible.

 

Also, you do sound jealous, so you may want to examine that possibility.

I understand what you are saying but it’s just hard because my husband obviously wants his sister in his life when I have no desire to be near her. He gets mad when she treats me badly but won’t say anything to her about it. He just talks about it behind her back and in person acts like nothing is wrong.

Perhaps I am jealous in some ways- like that she’s never had to work for anything and her dad spoils her and pays her bills- but I don’t know if it’s really jealousy or if it’s more that I’m annoyed. And the fact that she acts like her life is hard when she has an easier life than anyone I know. That kind of stuff annoys me.

Your husband should have your back. I would be upset that he is not standing up for you. Terrible.

Stay away from her unless it is a large group of family.

Stop engaging and stalking! Stop giving her do much power.

I mean, how does she treat you badly other than not inviting you to her social affairs? It's one thing if she's calling you fat to your face and your husband is just shrugging his shoulders. It's another thing if he's simply not treating you like his daughter by running to her like, "Hey, you better invite her to x!"

By all accounts it seems like you don't enjoy her much anyway. Perhaps for good reason. Consider it a burden lifted if you don't have to suffer her at a party or shower.

I mean, how does she treat you badly other than not inviting you to her social affairs? It's one thing if she's calling you fat to your face and he's just shrugging his shoulders. It's another thing if he's not treating you like his daughter by running to her and demanding she include you.

She tried to bring my husband’s ex back into his life and then she got mad at me for being mad at her so she told me not to come to her baby shower

She tried to bring my husband’s ex back into his life

ETA: I guess I just don't get it. Even if she was just being petty, your husband's still a grown man capable of asserting your marriage's boundaries. Why not let it just roll off your shoulders? And why would you want to go to her shower if you're at such odds? You're not friends, and from the looks of it, you're likely never going to be. Keep your social lives separate where and when you can.

i would unfollow her on facebook/twitter/whatever. Probably not "defriend" just because I wouldn't want to cause more drama. Definitely stop looking at her posts. Life is not a zero-sum game and you don't know what is really going on in her life. Just because she is having good things happen to her doesn't mean that there are fewer good things for you. Focus on yourself and your situation, forget her and minimize your contact with her. Easy to do if she is not inviting you to events.

Give me some advice please!!!!Give me some advice please!!!!

Decide once and for all if you want this silly drama or not. If not, don't do anything that feeds the drama, that keeps it alive. Thoughts, actions, anything that feeds the drama, turn away from them. Check in with yourself when you are choosing, does it feel at all like drama? That's your test. If it even hints of drama, let it go and choose something different. It may not come naturally at first, but you are training your brain to choose a different path. Do it. It will feel much better in the long run. Enlist your inner cheerleader and coach to keep you focused and energized.

Perhaps I am jealous in some ways- like that she’s never had to work for anything and her dad spoils her and pays her bills- but I don’t know if it’s really jealousy or if it’s more that I’m annoyed. And the fact that she acts like her life is hard when she has an easier life than anyone I know. That kind of stuff annoys me.

But how does any of that force you to stalk her Facebook, read the comments and roll your eyes?

Why is it necessary for you to do this?

Do you feel superior to her?

I understand what you are saying but it’s just hard because my husband obviously wants his sister in his life when I have no desire to be near her. He gets mad when she treats me badly but won’t say anything to her about it. He just talks about it behind her back and in person acts like nothing is wrong.

My husband knows what a pain his sister is and I have told him I dont care to be around her and I wont answer the phone if she calls. He wont say anything to her. It's your husband's job to deal with his relatives, not yours, and it's your job to take care of yourself. If he wants to see her, he can visit her on his own, without you, and he can call her or she can call him, and you stay out of the conversation. There's ways around annoying people but often you have to be the one to figure out a plan and then stick to it in order to have a peaceful life. My husband said he wants to go visit his sister (she lives 3-4 hours from us) and I said - have a nice time, drive carefully. He knows I'm not going with him.

Perhaps I am jealous in some ways- like that she’s never had to work for anything and her dad spoils her and pays her bills- but I don’t know if it’s really jealousy or if it’s more that I’m annoyed. And the fact that she acts like her life is hard when she has an easier life than anyone I know. That kind of stuff annoys me.

As long as you let her get to you, you will remain annoyed and unhappy. There's always people who have things handed to them, who have more money or whatever than I do, but so what? I dont give a rat's butt what someone else has. Life is what you make it so stop giving her the power to bring you down!

i would unfollow her on facebook/twitter/whatever. Probably not "defriend" just because I wouldn't want to cause more drama. Definitely stop looking at her posts. Life is not a zero-sum game and you don't know what is really going on in her life. Just because she is having good things happen to her doesn't mean that there are fewer good things for you. Focus on yourself and your situation, forget her and minimize your contact with her. Easy to do if she is not inviting you to events.

You can block people on facebook and yet remain "friends," tho why anyone would do that is beyond me. Blocking her means you dont see her posts anymore. Surely that would help the situation.

Nobody who habitually mistreats other people is happy. It's a vicious cycle: misery comes out sideways in miserable treatment of others, and then the misery is compounded.

It doesn't matter how much of a happy face this woman puts on, and it doesn't matter how many good things happen to her: she can't escape her own misery. She demonstrates this every time she mistreats someone else.

So while you may be jealous of her, the fact is, she's jealous of you. That's why she stirred the pot with husband's ex, and that's why she's generally unpleasant with you. You either have the kind of relationship she secretly knows she can't have, or her brother has changed his treatment of her since he took up with you, or she's otherwise jealous of something else about you, but she would not be so hostile toward you--even if you are not her favorite person--unless she was otherwise lacking something in her life or herself that you possess.

I would take the above at face value and play a mental trick with myself. I'd decide that obsessing over this woman works against you instead of in your favor--as evidenced by all the good things that keep happening to this woman while you're focused on minding HER business instead of your own. I'd turn that ship around by deciding to be superstitious. I'd stop bringing her 'luck' with my attention, and I'd focus instead on learning my own strength, resilience, interests and passion for living.

That's your revenge. The happier you can become with your OWN life, uhm... the happier you will become. AND, you can trust that if anything lousy happens to whutsurname, you'll be certain to hear about it outside of the scope of social media. I'd unplug from that. I'd avoid posting my own nonsense, because it's all about posing. Do you want to pursue a genuinely happy and authentic focus, or do you want to pose for other posers and make yourself miserable for zero payoff?

You get to decide your own focus. Choose wisely, and head high.

In what capacity?

 

ETA: I guess I just don't get it. Even if she was just being petty, your husband's still a grown man capable of asserting your marriage's boundaries. Why not let it just roll off your shoulders? And why would you want to go to her shower if you're at such odds? You're not friends, and from the looks of it, you're likely never going to be. Keep your social lives separate where and when you can.

I don’t particularly care about the shower. I think you are missing the point here... the problem I have with that is that she is the one doing hurtful things and then is mad at me for being hurt... does that make sense? She has no reason to be mad at me- I’m the one that should be mad.

i would unfollow her on facebook/twitter/whatever. Probably not "defriend" just because I wouldn't want to cause more drama. Definitely stop looking at her posts. Life is not a zero-sum game and you don't know what is really going on in her life. Just because she is having good things happen to her doesn't mean that there are fewer good things for you. Focus on yourself and your situation, forget her and minimize your contact with her. Easy to do if she is not inviting you to events.

To be honest, I already defriended her but I look her up on my husband’s Facebook. She also always posts “kindness” quotes and it’s rather ironic because she is not kind and anyone that knows her well knows that she’s not kind

Nobody who habitually mistreats other people is happy. It's a vicious cycle: misery comes out sideways in miserable treatment of others, and then the misery is compounded.

 

It doesn't matter how much of a happy face this woman puts on, and it doesn't matter how many good things happen to her: she can't escape her own misery. She demonstrates this every time she mistreats someone else.

 

So while you may be jealous of her, the fact is, she's jealous of you. That's why she stirred the pot with husband's ex, and that's why she's generally unpleasant with you. You either have the kind of relationship she secretly knows she can't have, or her brother has changed his treatment of her since he took up with you, or she's otherwise jealous of something else about you, but she would not be so hostile toward you--even if you are not her favorite person--unless she was otherwise lacking something in her life or herself that you possess.

 

I would take the above at face value and play a mental trick with myself. I'd decide that obsessing over this woman works against you instead of in your favor--as evidenced by all the good things that keep happening to this woman while you're focused on minding HER business instead of your own. I'd turn that ship around by deciding to be superstitious. I'd stop bringing her 'luck' with my attention, and I'd focus instead on learning my own strength, resilience, interests and passion for living.

 

That's your revenge. The happier you can become with your OWN life, uhm... the happier you will become. AND, you can trust that if anything lousy happens to whutsurname, you'll be certain to hear about it outside of the scope of social media. I'd unplug from that. I'd avoid posting my own nonsense, because it's all about posing. Do you want to pursue a genuinely happy and authentic focus, or do you want to pose for other posers and make yourself miserable for zero payoff?

 

You get to decide your own focus. Choose wisely, and head high.

You made some valid points here... I wish I could just stop thinking about it and never think about it again

You're missing the point. She can only get a rise out of you if you allow it. You need to ignore her and stop letting her get to you.

Why on earth would you go to the lengths of seeing her posts on FB by going on your husbands FB? YOU need to shut it off, let it go, move on.

Stop reacting to her, stop letting her upset you. Just stop.

Don't even give her your time of day or your thoughts. It's not worth it and you're wasting your energy on it. You're essentially becoming her prisoner by stalking her and giving a crap so much on what she is doing or saying.

You seriously need to turn it off and stop looking and caring. Only you can allow yourself to stop reacting to her.

Why are you stalking her on Facebook? Honestly, you have better things to do with your time than wasting precious energy on someone who treats you bad.

Edited to add: I agree with SherrySher. :)