Choosing Adoption

Little bit of background. I've been pregnant twice and lost both babies, the second pregnancy messed with my head because the father took it really bad. He dropped off the face of the planet after the miscarriage, and that's when I needed him. I forgave him for what he did because I suspect I know where his reaction stemmed from.

Now I'm in a much better place with a man who I care about and cares about me. I mentioned in a previous post about being resentful because he has a child, while I adore them both I have a void. He and I have discussed what would happen if I got pregnant and I am confident that he would stand by me. That being said he is clear that he doesn't want another child.

I've been denying my true self by saying that I am ok if I don't have children. I decided to stop feeling bad that he doesn't want a baby and resenting them because it's not their fault. So I'm going to start the adoption process, I want to be a mom and know I'd make a great one. I hope my partner is supportive, and I know he will be.

Any advice out there from people who have navigated this path would be appreciated.

Why would you choose adoption instead of the two of you having your own biological child? Are there health issues?

That being said, it's admirable that you want to adopt a child whose birth parents are unable to care for him/her.

He doesn't want to have children. I would be doing this by myself. He is my boyfriend and we are committed but I accept that he doesn't want another child and I can't keep denying that I do. We do not live together and I'm not sure what role he will play. Right now I am just starting the process in my mind and have to do research (I have looked at adoption in the past, but don't know the complete ins and outs). Ultimately this could be the end of our relationship, and while that's sad it was never meant to be if that's the case.

Sorry to hear this. You are with the wrong guy if you want a family and his is complete. If you start the adoption process unilaterally expect to be a single mother. He has his own kids, is clear he doesn't want anymore and probably won't adopt any more.

he is clear that he doesn't want another child. I'm going to start the adoption process.

That's one of the most irresponsible decisions I've ever read. Better option: Find a guy who wants a or another kid.

You don't make YOLO decisions when it comes to being responsible for another human being's life. "My guy doesn't want another kid, so I'm gonna adopt and hope he supports me." What in the actual hell? Single parenthood should be something that happens, not something you should be needlessly all but guaranteeing.

It's also an absolutely atrocious position to put a partner you proclaim to love into. You'd be making him choose between supporting you and a child he's made clear he doesn't want or watch someone he cares about become a single mother. What amounts to emotional blackmail is bad enough on its own. Involving an innocent child in it makes it that much worse.

Why don't you just put all your love into his daughter and more or less adopt her? Because you know he doesn't want another child. And you've written in the past that you were doing things to try to drive him away. Is this another way to push him away even more? It sounds like you just want to sabotage the relationship.

That's one of the most irresponsible decisions I've ever read. Better option: Find a guy who wants a or another kid.

 

You don't make YOLO decisions when it comes to being responsible for another human being's life. "My guy doesn't want another kid, so I'm gonna adopt and hope he supports me." What in the actual hell? Single parenthood should be something that happens, not something you should be needlessly all but guaranteeing.

 

It's also an absolutely atrocious position to put a partner you proclaim to love into. You'd be making him choose between supporting you and a child he's made clear he doesn't want or watch someone he cares about become a single mother. What amounts to emotional blackmail is bad enough on its own. Involving an innocent child in it makes it that much worse.

This is an ongoing conversation, he's know that I want to be a mom. This isn't emotional blackmail. This is me saying that I was accepting not being a mom and I decided to change my opinion and circumstance. I know that he will support me as a friend if he decides that a relationship with an additional child is not right for him.

There are plenty of single parents that make it work. I have a good job and a support network.

I would make sure that your choice - to be a single mother -and involved with a man who does not want to father a child you have -would be in the best interests of the child -put aside your "void" or your need to be a mother. I know and know of women who are single mothers by choice (and in your case at least you would not be bringing a child into the world who would be born without a father, but adopting a child who is already here). I wonder too if the person evaluating you for suitability to adopt would be concerned about your romantic situation since he doesn't want a child - do you ever plan on living with him? Being involved with his children? Imagine how he would treat your child as compared to his children if you all were a family unit? If you truly want to adopt I would first end things with this guy and either stay on your own or find someone who wants to be a father to your child.

And I would not get involved with your boyfriend's kids -they likely will get attached to you and it seems that this relationship can't sustain if you have such different goals.

Have you ever been worked up or seen a fertility specialist? Why are you jumping to this on a whim?

I do love her, but she has her parents. If we break up he can choose to not let me see her, which I don't think he would do.

In reply to DanZee, I am very insecure about my relationship. Everyone is reading what I put out, but relationships are much more complex. The sabotaging, he knows where it comes from and he helps me through it.

Wiseman, he and I have discussed that we came into each other's lives for a reason and we got each other through a rough time. So maybe he's not the person for me and that is something we will discuss.

This is not something I've just thought about it's something that Ive considered over many years

This is not something I've just thought about it's something that Ive considered over many years

So then why did you get involved with someone who doesn't want more children?

Because after my last miscarriage I accepted that I wasn't going to be a mom. Human emotions are complex, I made a decision to be with him. As time passed I realized that being a mother was very important to me. He has known this, and he continued the relationship as well.

Because after my last miscarriage I accepted that I wasn't going to be a mom. Human emotions are complex, I made a decision to be with him. As time passed I realized that being a mother was very important to me. He has known this, and he continued the relationship as well.

No, it's not that human emotions are complex it's that you are not clear on what you want. If you really wanted to be a mom you would not be with someone who didn't want a child with you and if you've been considering adoption for as long as you claim then "as time passed . . .being a mother was very important to me' makes no sense. Someone who spends years considering adoption obviously places huge importance on being a parent. It doesn't matter if he's continued the relationship -and he likely would because it won't change for him -he doesn't plan on being a father to a child you may have or adopt. He doesn't have to do anything. But you do -you would be bringing a child into your world who is not wanted by your partner and who sees his children being very much wanted.

It's not about the complexity of human emotions -it's about you using your head to decide what your priorities, values and goals are. Don't make the emotional excuse because you can't make that excuse as a parent either -i.e. "oh sorry i screamed at you for not getting your shoes on -I was feeling emotional, emotions are complex" or "sorry [boyfriend] is ignoring you again - I love him and I love you. Emotions are complex so just deal with it."

So if after your last miscarriage (sorry for your losses!) you accepted that you weren't going to be a mom then of course you can't also say that you've considered adoption for many years. You stopped considering it, then became attracted to this guy -and got involved -and made that your priority over being a parent. As a parent who became one later in life I can tell you that in my strong opinion if being a parent isn't your top priority -meaning acting in the best interests of the child - then don't do it. Sounds like you want your emotional attachment to this guy to take priority right now. That's fine, then shelve your plans for being a parent and choose him instead. Don't subject an innocent child to this complex mess.

No, it's not that human emotions are complex it's that you are not clear on what you want. If you really wanted to be a mom you would not be with someone who didn't want a child with you and if you've been considering adoption for as long as you claim then "as time passed . . .being a mother was very important to me' makes no sense. Someone who spends years considering adoption obviously places huge importance on being a parent. It doesn't matter if he's continued the relationship -and he likely would because it won't change for him -he doesn't plan on being a father to a child you may have or adopt. He doesn't have to do anything. But you do -you would be bringing a child into your world who is not wanted by your partner and who sees his children being very much wanted.

 

It's not about the complexity of human emotions -it's about you using your head to decide what your priorities, values and goals are. Don't make the emotional excuse because you can't make that excuse as a parent either -i.e. "oh sorry i screamed at you for not getting your shoes on -I was feeling emotional, emotions are complex" or "sorry [boyfriend] is ignoring you again - I love him and I love you. Emotions are complex so just deal with it."

 

So if after your last miscarriage (sorry for your losses!) you accepted that you weren't going to be a mom then of course you can't also say that you've considered adoption for many years. You stopped considering it, then became attracted to this guy -and got involved -and made that your priority over being a parent. As a parent who became one later in life I can tell you that in my strong opinion if being a parent isn't your top priority -meaning acting in the best interests of the child - then don't do it. Sounds like you want your emotional attachment to this guy to take priority right now. That's fine, then shelve your plans for being a parent and choose him instead. Don't subject an innocent child to this complex mess.

I'm not naive to the fact that I need to figure this process out before hand. The adoption process is not so quick that I will have this situation figured out in a day. And yes we are complex, while you may not agree I believe that to be true. I don't regret getting involved with him because we love each other and I believe we will be in each lives no matter what. I would not conceive of bringing a child into this mess, it would be an ongoing process and I would make sure that everything is sorted before bringing a child into this.

So let's say you do adopt.

You will not be bringing the child around your partner? Or you would, how would you introduce him, as your boyfriend but not the child's father or father figure? What happens when mothering duties interfere with time spent with your partner (and trust me, as you probably know they will)? You'll have to explain to your partner that your child is #1 and you will fit him in when you are able. I would hate to find your partner starting to resent the child.

Are you thinking of going forward with this with the full understanding that it may very well spell the end of your relationship with this man?

So let's say you do adopt.

 

You will not be bringing the child around your partner? Or you would, how would you introduce him, as your boyfriend but not the child's father or father figure? What happens when mothering duties interfere with time spent with your partner (and trust me, as you probably know they will)? You'll have to explain to your partner that your child is #1 and you will fit him in when you are able. I would hate to find your partner starting to resent the child.

 

Are you thinking of going forward with this with the full understanding that it may very well spell the end of your relationship with this man?

I stated in a previous post that I accept that it may be the end of a romantic relationship. We already have to coordinate schedules due to his child. His daughter is his number one priority and I accept that because we have it balanced, he would recognize the same for any other parent

This is an ongoing conversation, he's know that I want to be a mom. This isn't emotional blackmail. This is me saying that I was accepting not being a mom and I decided to change my opinion and circumstance. I know that he will support me as a friend if he decides that a relationship with an additional child is not right for him.

 

There are plenty of single parents that make it work.

You saying you're not accepting not being a mom anymore would be you leaving him and finding someone who shares a pretty damn fundamental life goal. If you weren't trying to play the dirtiest game of emotional chess, you wouldn't be making him choose between accepting responsibility for a kid he doesn't want or watching the woman he cares about becoming a single mother. You would be taking responsibility, not forcing hands.

Any kid you adopt as things are would face two realities: having a single parent or having one who likely, at best, would tolerate him/her, or worse, resent him/her. That not quite "great mom" tier decision making.

I appreciate the input and at this point I will no longer be able to respond further. I respect everyone who has responded. I realized from the beginning that I have an uphill battle which I will continue to navigate with my partner. Thank you...

I stated in a previous post that I accept that it may be the end of a romantic relationship. We already have to coordinate schedules due to his child. His daughter is his number one priority and I accept that because we have it balanced, he would recognize the same for any other parent

Now it sounds Freudian. His daughter is number one in his life and now you want a child that will be number one in your life.

But I think a lot of this has to do with your biological clock ticking down. You're already looking the fear of being childless in the face.

I think you have to make a decision, do you want a child or a boyfriend? It doesn't sound like you can have both.

I appreciate the input and at this point I will no longer be able to respond further. I respect everyone who has responded. I realized from the beginning that I have an uphill battle which I will continue to navigate with my partner. Thank you...

If you do choose to apply for adoption, you will face a lot more inquiry than anything here. And you can't really say ' I will not be responding anymore' - not if you want to be seriously considered .

Of course you don't have to continue the discussion here. I do wonder why this response though.

My husband and I tried for adoption 18 years ago. He was harangued so much with questions and hard pushing on issues so much so he quit the process. Be very sure this is what you want.

This is all hypothetical. Any competent social worker will see you are trying to fill a void and are in no position to adopt a child. So there's really no point in giving advice on that decision. The odds of it happening are slim.

I think you should slow down, stop being manic and trying to find completion in someone else including a baby and heal from your experiences. You've been through a lot.

The cruelest thing you can do to a child is give them the responsibility of fixing you. The cruelest.

I appreciate the input and at this point I will no longer be able to respond further. I respect everyone who has responded. I realized from the beginning that I have an uphill battle which I will continue to navigate with my partner. Thank you...

You can't navigate it with your partner because there is nothing to navigate with him. He will let you know if he changes his mind and wants to father a child of yours. He is not your partner when it comes to parenting -he is just your boyfriend and has his own chidlren. He's been honest with you that he doesn't' want that. Trying to "navigate" or "convince" him isn't fair to him or the child you may have or adopt. Be honest with yourself since he's been honest with you -and a child deserves your self-honesty too.

This makes zero sense to me. You want a child of your own, but your partner doesn't. You say that you're aware your relationship may end if you adopt and you're fine with it. So if that's the case, why not just end the relationship and find a partner who wants kids with you? It makes no sense to me... You say your partner would support you emotionally even after a breakup, because you two are friends. So wouldn't that same thing apply if you find a more suitable partner?

Look, I was raised by a single mother, because my dad died in a crash when I was young. My mother did everything she could and I have the utmost respect for her, but in no way would I ever volunteer a child into that situation knowing how tough it is. You can't be mother and father at once, even if you think you have the means financially and a strong network of support. It has been proven that children need both parents to give them optimal conditions to thrive.