Long distance boyfriend and porn

I'm in a long distance relationship and I'm aware of my boyfriend watching porn when he needs to get off. I originally had a lot of problems with the idea but after him explaining why he uses it, I can start to accept the fact a bit. We had some serious talks about this topic several times and I really don't want to talk about the same thing again. I'm afraid that as much as it's bothering me, if I bring this up again he will get tired of me and eventually will break up with me.

I also noticed that the reason why I felt bad about him watching porn is because I was always insecure about my own sexual attractiveness. I've never thought someone would think I'm sexy because my body type isn't close to what the media shows. However, even after realizing my insecurities and my boyfriend reassuring that porn means nothing to him, I still feel bad about myself because he doesn't feel comfortable jerking off to me doing sexy video calls.

Sometimes I do some crazy video chats to keep things spicy but he will never touch himself when I'm on the cam. He told me that it feels wrong to him because he's already been with me in person and it feels too weird to jerk off to me on video chat like I'm some kind of a cam girl. I asked him wouldn't he find my live video chat more hotter than random porn since he's clearly attracted to me but he said my video chat and porn is two completely different things that can't be compared to each other. I kind of get where he's coming from but at the same time I can't stop myself but to think that maybe I'm not attractive or sexy enough for him to actually do it. I'm not sure if the way I view this topic is wrong or not. I've always thought it's normal to masturbate to your partner's sexy video chat, especially if the partner is already doing it. We don't have any problems when we are actually together in person. I only start to get worried about this when I'm away from him.

I'm working on my insecurities and starting to accept that porn is just visual help for a lot of guys. I don't want to keep feel bad about myself but I also don't want to talk about this with him again. I'm worried that since I already talked about this a lot, he might be already tired of me and feels disconnected with me. Everything else is going great so I really don't want something like this to ruin the relationship. I want to know some general opinions of my situation and advice on how I can improve my self confidence with my body. Thank you.

He is right, in that watching porn on his own and masturbating with you live over webcam are different. It has nothing to do with how attractive he thinks you are. Some people are simply not comfortable engaging in sexual activity that way, and he's telling you that he is one of those people. Please don't take that a sign that you're not sexy enough.

He will likely continue to watch porn, yes. It's good that he's been honest with you about it and has been open to discussing it with you. You are correct, though, that if you continue to bring this up it will eventually wear on him. You don't have to be okay with porn, but if that's the case, you need to find a different guy since you know your boyfriend does and will keep watching.

Since you know sexy video chats aren't his thing, have you talked to him about other ways to keep things spicy between you? Trying to get him to go along with it when he just doesn't enjoy it won't do anything to soothe your insecurity; it's going to make it worse and just awkward all around. Talk about other options. Ask him what he would love to see or try. Also, you say you are working on your insecurity - in what ways? What are some concrete steps you are taking to help you feel better about yourself in general?

Well, I think everything your boyfriend told you about porn is true for guys (and some girls). That's the way I feel about it. Also, I wouldn't want to do it via web cam either. I'd feel strange doing it on camera.

I think you're thinking about it too much. The girls in the videos are fantasy, but having a real girl is much more exciting, better, and totally different.

If you want to feel better about yourself, you can certainly exercise more and lose some weight. But guys don't fall out of love because of some extra weight. There's usually deeper problems than just that. And I'm sure your boyfriend loves you just the way you are.

Think of porn as a tool to him to orgasm. It's not in any way an emotional attachment, it's simply a bodily function. Those women on the videos are nothing to him and he does not care about them.

He does care about you though and he respects you, therefore, he wants your love making to be decent and good and not cheap. It's why he feels the way he feels.

You are not less than the videos, in fact, you are far more. He wants something real with you, and not cheap and quick as the videos are. The orgasms he has with the videos are merely a release to help him either sleep better or for stress. It simply is a bodily function.

But with you, it is love and touching and emotions and meaningful to him, so he wants it to be special and not downgraded.

Make sense?

How long have you been dating? How did it become long distance? How often do you see each other? Agree you need to stop to badgering him about it. You asked, he answered. LDRs are hard and feeling disconnected can happen.

While you are away from him, work on a self confidence program. Get in shape, improve your diet and fitness programs. Get a new updated look, hair, clothes etc. Also take classes or courses you enjoy. Don't focus on being a porn or webcam star. Focus on your overall well being, health, fitness and self confidence in real life.

he's already been with me in person. We don't have any problems when we are actually together in person. I'm worried that since I already talked about this a lot, he might be already tired of me and feels disconnected with me.

Can I ask how old you both are?

Generally speaking, there seems to be a point (post 30ish) where most people (men and women) go from thinking of porn as some deeply problematic vice akin to infidelity to accepting that it's simply something a lot of people (men especially) look at to get off. I think it's kind of connected to the nonsensical fantasy that being in a relationship means we're suddenly only attracted to one person.

Your boyfriend has expressed what porn means to him—nothing, really, save a little sexual release. He's been honest and respectful. He doesn't want to feel shamed for looking at porn, and nor should he. That's good stuff, and kind of needs to be the end of the discussion, especially if you find him caring, present, and sexually interested in you when you're together. If porn is simply something you can't tolerate and feel comfortable with at this point in your life, then you need to be dating someone else and make sure that's something that's understood from the outset.

But, honestly, that's a rare thing in this day and age. A lot of people look at porn. A lot of people fantasize about bartenders, celebrities, old flames, people they meet at a party, whether they're in a healthy relationship or not. To make pretending otherwise a requirement of a relationship is a sure bet toward putting an expiration date on the relationship.

It sounds like you understand what the bigger issues here is, which is your own self-esteem and self-confidence. If you're not comfortable in your own skin, you'll always be on something of a seesaw inside a relationship: feeling "good" when you're getting attention, "bad" when you're not, and obsessing about outside stimuli (porn, other women at bars, etc.) that really isn't a verdict on you. As another asked: What, exactly, are you doing to improve this stuff? Being that your relationship is long distance, you can use that time apart to dig into yourself, love yourself, and, in a way, get off on yourself. When that stuff starts to gel you won't care as much about how others, your boyfriend included, are getting off in their spare time.

How are you working on your insecurities?

If you are unhappy with your body type, have you tried to make change through exercise ?

We are both in early 20s and we've been dating for 6 months now. We see each other about once a month. He still wants me to talk to him about it if it's bothering me but I'm afraid that I already I over did it and he's sick of me. I also don't see the point of keep talking about this with him if we both know that he won't stop watching porn or suddenly feels comfortable masturbating to me on cam.

After I realized I have some serious insecurities when it comes to sexual attractiveness, I made a list of what made me think that way. I wrote down why I started to think I'm not sexy and if it was outside influence or something that I told myself. It turns out that half of the thoughts were from my family and the other half was from myself. My mum always made a joke about how my breasts are so small and I can't find clothings that fits me properly because I'm so thin. I know she meant no harm but hearing that for a long period of time made me feel ashamed of my own body and think badly about it. Something like breast size cannot be controlled but I started to eat more and exercise to improve my metabolism and overall mentality. I also started to purchase clothings that I couldn't before and honestly it feels liberating to let myself wear whatever I want to wear instead of continuously saying that I'm not enough.

I generally don't feel insecure about anything else than sexual things. I usually feel confident about my career, hobbies, family, and who I am as a person. I just want to get over this fast so my boyfriend don't get sick of me.

I doubt he has any respect for porn stars and doesn't want you to remind him of one.

But, can you clarify something? Is he watching pre-recorded cams, or live ones he is interacting with? If the latter, I don't think that's right.

Would you feel comfortable masturbating in front of him?

Do you both live at home? What created the distance? Are either of you away at school or for work? Only a therapist can help you with self and body image issues and obsessions.

Perhaps a relationship, particularly a long distance one, is not a good idea right now until you understand your issues and stop blaming parents or bfs.

Only therapy can help you with this issue. Keep in mind early intervention can address a potential eating disorder, body dysmorphic disorder, self esteem issues, etc. This didn't start with him or porn or webcams/cyber sex. And it won't end with anyone else until you address it with a professional.

We are both in early 20s and we've been dating for 6 months now. We see each other about once a month.

ItÂ’s live video chat like facetime. He usually has his cam off if things get spicy because he doesnÂ’t want to see his own face staring at the phone.

IÂ’m not saying that I blame my mum or bf for having body insecurity. IÂ’m aware that I always had this before I was with him and itÂ’s also me who started to shame my own body. It would be ideal if I could get a professional help but I canÂ’t really afford that kinda of service right now. So until I save enough money to see a professional, IÂ’m here to get some general opinions and outsidersÂ’ view on my situation since I canÂ’t really look at it objectively. Thank you everyone for leaving a comment, it helps me to stay positive and work on myself instead of focusing on one issue.

We are both in early 20s and we've been dating for 6 months now. We see each other about once a month. He still wants me to talk to him about it if it's bothering me but I'm afraid that I already I over did it and he's sick of me. I also don't see the point of keep talking about this with him if we both know that he won't stop watching porn or suddenly feels comfortable masturbating to me on cam.

I’m just going to cut to the chase despite what others have said: a LDR is not for you. It’s time to re-evaluate this relationship and see if it’s truly meeting yours and his needs for it to thrive.

Take porn out of the equation and you got insecurities. Having any kind of insecurity will not help a LDR last. You have to feel super secure about yourself and the relationship for it to be successful. So he beats off to porn, but he can also fap to a photo of a classmate, a friend from social media, etc. He maybe attracted to another woman - maybe someone in passing - other than you, even though he will never act upon those impulses and cheat on you. You already mentioned that you are not only insecure about porn, but your body image in general. And honestly, being in a LDR will not help raise that confidence. You also need more physical intimacy as much as he does. And I’m sorry, but video chatting together sexually may even be too awkward for him because you’ve policed his masturbation habit and SHAMED him for it (and therefore doesn’t want the eye contact).

Your insecurities are your problem, not his. This is something you need to work through or this relationship will not last. And talking about his porno watching frequently is not helping you.