Dating issues

So me and this girl have been on a few dates and I really like her. Anyway she made me really mad recently because i asked her if she wanted to go longboarding with me. Well we we get there she refuses to get on the board because “I’m not gonna make a damn fool of myself”. Anyway this pissed me off because for one I was really excited to go longboarding with her. Two she said yes to going longboarding with me but refused to get on the board. Three I drove 30m to go in this date with her. Anyway about 30m into the date she still refused to get on the board. I said screw this and loaded up the boards and took her home. She said Sorry over text, but I am not having that if you’re gonna do something like that than call me and say sorry. Use your voice and say it. So she refuses to call me because she doesn’t see the point in it. So idk what to do from here. I’ve kinda made an ultimatum that I won’t take her house or hangout with her until she decides to call me and say sorry. She has yet to call me. So what do you think? Am I being to rough or do I need to stick with this? If she doesn’t call then I’m probably just gonna move awn. But what should I do in this Situation?

How old are you? You sound like a spoiled child having a tantrum!

People are allowed to change their minds and they are allowed to become fearful. You should have patience with it and if you truly like them, you should be caring, not a mad bull with steam coming out of his ears!

You need to calm down and treat people better than this. You also need to move on, you've treated this girl bad enough already.

ps: learn what the word gentle means and try to be more of that

I would take this as a sign that this isn't the right woman for you. If she didn't want to go long boarding, then why did she say yes? Did she explicitly say yes to going long boarding? Did she only agree to watch you longboard or did she agree to try herself? If she can't communicate that she doesn't want to go long boarding or she doesn't want to give it a try, then I don't think she's right for you.

Well, since this was kind of a date, you should have suggested an alternative activity. Maybe just sit by the water and cuddle. Maybe take a kayak or a rowboat out. She just wanted to be with you and not go longboarding. You've probably blown your chance. Anyone can change their mind, and on a date, you've got to be able to turn on a dime and change your plans. You should call her and apologize to her for being an idiot and ask her if she would like to go out again.

Yes, you are being too rough, OP.

If you're going to pout and turn this into a deal-breaker, go for it. But I think you're over-reacting. The girl wanted to be with you; she apparently changed her mind and was uncomfortable getting on the board and you threw a hissy fit and decided to take it as a personal insult. Has she ever even ridden a longboard before?

If I were her, I wouldn't want to see you again if you were going to get on your high horse about this.

EDIT: Is this is same girl you described as your soulmate just a couple weeks ago? https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=552840 With due respect, I think you'd benefit from learning some emotional-regulation techniques. You seem to swing from one extreme to the other, from all-in to all-out.

As you may have noticed, taking on a mean parent role with another adult only makes you both miserable. So skip that and figure out your priorities. When your priority is focused on an activity, schedule that with someone who enjoys it as much as you do. When your priority is focused on building a good relationship with a new date, then keep your focus and don't get lost in the stuff that doesn't 'have to' matter.

You've demo'd to this date that you're inflexible and cruel. If she doesn't see the point in speaking with you again, then she has a point.

We all live and learn.

Dude, it's time to check yourself big time here.

I mean no disrespect, but if I was this woman's friend I'd be telling her to steer clear of you. She really had nothing to apologize for, which actually may be why her apology bothered you. You are the one who acted like a petulant child, and you're probably posting here because the true part of you (beneath your inflamed ego) knows you kind of messed up.

Learn to listen to people, to accept what they say, and to apologize to them when you overreact. Either that or, I don't know, specify in your dating profile that serious longboarding is a must.

I do get where you are coming from, actually.

It sounds like you wanted to go longboarding and so you invited her to join you.

She thought you were inviting her on a date and longboarding was the activity.

If the focus was the longboarding and she was the secondary thought, I could see how you would be so annoyed. Of course it’s annoying to get excited about doing something and then they only bail when you are there. In your mind, you drove all the way there for that activity and she left you hanging. At the very least, she should have told you that she was inexperienced, or might not be into it but she’ll watch you, etc.

If the focus was on the girl and long boarding was the activity, you are WAY overreacting. You owe HER an apology for freaking out like that and throwing a tantrum and going home.

It sounds like there was a miscommunication here. In her mind, she said yes to a date (how sweet). In your mind, she said yes to an activity and it was NOT a date, I guess.

It’s up to you, but this doesn’t sound like this miscommunication should be a dealbreaker. But if you want to keep dating her, I do think YOU should apologize.

Unfortunately she's not the right girl for you. It sounds like she didn't know enough about it and when you got there she got scared or intimidated. Not sure how planning dates that only you enjoy or being a butthead is helping your dating chances. It sounds like she's done with the nonsense and incompatibility and it's over.

Next time ask a girl what she would like to to instead of planning something for yourself to show off, then expecting her to apologize to you that she changed her mind after getting there and "giving her ultimatums". Dating requires some maturity.

i asked her if she wanted to go longboarding with me. Well we we get there she refuses to get on the board because “I’m not gonna make a damn fool of myself”. Anyway this pissed me off because for one I was really excited to go longboarding She said Sorry over text. but I am not having that. I’ve kinda made an ultimatum that I won’t take her house or hangout with her until she decides to call me and say sorry.

If I were her I would have blocked you! You are in the wrong! Sorry but you need to keep your anger over silly things in check.

If I were her, I'd never speak with you again. You owe her an apology for being a complete a hole. You basically pitched a childish tantrum over the fact that she got there and realized that this activity is not for her. I mean if you act like that, you are going to have a lot of relationship problems. There was no reason for you to be so selfish, you could have done your longboarding and just let her watch. There was no reason for you to pressure her to participate once she said no thanks and worse, pitch such a vicious tantrum about it. Going forward, better grow some empathy, understanding, and flexibility because your current attitude will wreck other parts of your life too in the future, not just romantic relationships.

Also, if sharing an activity is so critical to you that you totally lose your sh$t if she doesn't, then I suggest that you only date ladies who are already doing it.

You are letting your ego run your life. You took her fear as a personal affront to you instead of being understanding that she was afraid of trying it.

If you like to do active outdoor stuff and she isn't that type of person then you probably aren't a good fit. Also if she is one of those people that care more what people think of them then having fun and trying new things then she probably isn't for you either.

Making demands and ultimatums will get you nowhere. Even if they do comply they will be doing it because you made them, not because they truly wanted to.

Yes she should have never agreed to the date if she wasn't going to even try but people change their minds, it happens so get over it.

Lost

It's a part of daily life to be upset or disappointed with people. You have to pick your battles, however, and learn when to speak up and when to hold your tongue. This goes for friends, also. For an example, my friend, through her actions, made us miss the first twenty minutes of a concert. I didn't say anything negative to her and tried to enjoy the rest of the concert. For one thing, bringing it up would ruin both of our experiences for the rest of the evening. For another thing, preserving the good feelings of our friendship was worth more than a bad beginning to the evening. Basically, I just decided it was the last concert I'd attend with her, but I'd still invite her to do other things that weren't time critical.

There's a saying: When you make plans, God laughs at you. Always be ready to alter them if need be and think outside of the box. As another poster said, you could have still enjoyed your time at the beach in other ways. Instead, you showed her your bad traits. If her self esteem was a little higher, she wouldn't have apologized. She would've thought: I'm glad he's showing me who he really is so early on so I didn't waste my time with more dates.

Moving forward, think about how you'd like to be treated in any given situation, and act that way yourself. You can never go wrong treating someone how you'd like to be treated.

If I were the OP, I would have felt trapped. What OP's date did was unbelievably rude... Sounds like he put a lot of effort into what was a creative date idea. She went with it until the effort was all done and then said no in a rude way. What an ahole.

However, OP subsequently overreacted instead of finishing out the date and then not seeing her again. I don't think you're going to get anywhere with aggressive demands for her to apologize. I think you just leave it be and let her fade.

If I were the OP, I would have felt trapped. What OP's date did was unbelievably rude... Sounds like he put a lot of effort into what was a creative date idea. She went with it until the effort was all done and then said no in a rude way. What an ahole.

 

However, OP subsequently overreacted instead of finishing out the date and then not seeing her again. I don't think you're going to get anywhere with aggressive demands for her to apologize. I think you just leave it be and let her fade.

Like someone else said, if the focus is on the activity then by all means be upset, next time go with your friends. If the point is to date the activity rarely matters. Part of being an adult is being flexible. She got there saw what it was and didn't want to do it. That was the time to reasses. If anyone man or woman thinks a date should do something they are uncomfortable with simply to please them, which is what he expected, they need to get over themselves.

Dating should be fun. And yes, that does include trying new things. I've tried all kinds of different things on dates and I always try to keep an open mind, BUT, my focus is still on my date, not the activity.

Like someone else said, if the focus is on the activity then by all means be upset, next time go with your friends. If the point is to date the activity rarely matters. Part of being an adult is being flexible. She got there saw what it was and didn't want to do it. That was the time to reasses. If anyone man or woman thinks a date should do something they are uncomfortable with simply to please them, which is what he expected, they need to get over themselves.

 

Dating should be fun. And yes, that does include trying new things. I've tried all kinds of different things on dates and I always try to keep an open mind, BUT, my focus is still on my date, not the activity.

"umm, no, I'm not making a fool of myself."

Because I'm presuming that even if the effort was made by OP, if the date said "you know, [OP], I'm kind of reluctant/scared to try this now that I'm here. Is there any way we could do XYZ while we're here... Maybe I could watch you do it too?" OP wouldn't have been as upset.

Beyond the activity vs. date dichotomy, I think OP's date was aloof and inconsiderate of OP, and that's why he's mad. Other than that though, OP clearly overreacted with the apology demand.

I would have said, "Umm, are you sure? You seemed excited about it before. I guess we can do something else, what did you have in mind?" And then if the date went poor from that point on, that might have ended the relationship to-be.

Hmm, I suppose this is based upon how the OP wrote it. Don't you think OP put in a lot of effort for the date? With that in mind, don't you think that the way the date broke the news was rather rude?

 

"umm, no, I'm not making a fool of myself."

 

Because I'm presuming that even if the effort was made by OP, if the date said "you know, [OP], I'm kind of reluctant/scared to try this now that I'm here. Is there any way we could do XYZ while we're here... Maybe I could watch you do it too?" OP wouldn't have been as upset.

 

Beyond the activity vs. date dichotomy, I think OP's date was aloof and inconsiderate of OP, and that's why he's mad. Other than that though, OP clearly overreacted with the apology demand.

 

I would have said, "Umm, are you sure? You seemed excited about it before. I guess we can do something else, what did you have in mind?" And then if the date went poor from that point on, that might have ended the relationship to-be.

The only "big" effort OP put into this is drive 30m, which is really nothing much and sorry, doesn't count as some major effort. I'd be more understanding if the spend hundreds on tickets or something and then she just suddenly balked and walked away.

Being kind of an adventurous daredevil myself, all I can say is this - you simply can't demand for people to engage in what you do. Period. Even if they like the idea in theory and think they would like to try it, it's really not that uncommon for people to see the reality of it and get scared. As for admitting directly that they are too afraid, quite frankly very few people are that bold. Most will simply make round about excuses. For most people, admitting that they are afraid is too embarrassing on top of already feeling bad about themselves for saying they'd do something and then backing out. This is really where a little empathy goes a long way and where compromising as simply as "listen, I'm going to go do x rounds of this, why don't you chill here and watch or whatever" goes a long ways.

Hmm, I suppose this is based upon how the OP wrote it. Don't you think OP put in a lot of effort for the date? With that in mind, don't you think that the way the date broke the news was rather rude?

 

"umm, no, I'm not making a fool of myself."

 

Because I'm presuming that even if the effort was made by OP, if the date said "you know, [OP], I'm kind of reluctant/scared to try this now that I'm here. Is there any way we could do XYZ while we're here... Maybe I could watch you do it too?" OP wouldn't have been as upset.

 

Beyond the activity vs. date dichotomy, I think OP's date was aloof and inconsiderate of OP, and that's why he's mad. Other than that though, OP clearly overreacted with the apology demand.

 

I would have said, "Umm, are you sure? You seemed excited about it before. I guess we can do something else, what did you have in mind?" And then if the date went poor from that point on, that might have ended the relationship to-be.

Neither acted ideally. I agree.

I think we also agree that the night could have been salvaged. To me that's the crux of the whole situation. The night could have been saved and two adults would have done as much.

That's why I always say, handle your sh*t, and heal before you subject others to your issues. Dating isn't therapy.

Well, all of you are right that I overreacted. There is a bit more to the story that is kind of what made me mad. She said something earlier that had reminded me of something my ex said to me when we were about to break up. Although the girl I was with didn’t mean it in a bad way, when my ex said it, it was a bad thing. The premis of that was that my ex said I let her boss me around. Now there is a lot more to why this got on my nerves involving some family issues. That’s the main reason I acted like that. I didn’t consider how scared she must have been and I’m dumb for not seeing it. I see now I should apologize for it.

I think the thing that made me so mad was that the date could have been salvaged, but instead of realizing it was my fault I just kind of blamed it on her. She ended up calling me though. She said sorry and although I was mad at the time she kind of snapped me out of it. I didn’t really realize any of this till now and as soon as I get the chance I’m going to apologize to her.

Perhaps if you are on such a hair-trigger, you're not ready to date. Don't let your ex continue to dictate your behavior and ruin your future happiness.

So you basically got angry at this girl for something an ex did, then you got angry because she got scared about long boarding then you badgered her to apologize and to apologize the way YOU thought it should be.

I really think you should let dating sit for a while and look at your temper. That seriously needs to be addressed.

So you basically got angry at this girl for something an ex did, then you got angry because she got scared about long boarding then you badgered her to apologize and to apologize the way YOU thought it should be.

 

I really think you should let dating sit for a while and look at your temper. That seriously needs to be addressed.

I agree. You are standing in your own way, OP.

What my ex said didn’t dictate my behavior in anyway. What I was trying to say with that. Basically my home life is like this. I have a very rich father who remarried a gold digger. She basically runs his life runs his house and controlles his money. My ex told me that I was like my dad and didn’t stand up for myself enough. So when (other girl)she said that I let her boss me around I switched modes and have had this initiative to not be like my dad. In other words I was to focused on not letting her boss me around that it blinded me to the fact that she was scared and didn’t want to longboard. In other words your right due to certain life issues I’m facing right now. It’s probably a good idea I don’t date. But the truth is this girl knows a lot of this and understands that I’ve got a lot of going awn. That’s why I think she’s my soulmate because she helps me be better with all the things im bad at all the issues in my life. But not just that she does have low confidence and that’s what I bring to the table for her. I have more confidence than anyone I know.

I really don't think she's your soulmate at all - you had a few dates, the last date went down in flames. It just sounds like you two are not a good match. You shouldn't be having big fights so early on, especially not the first few dates. I would just let this one go and in the future, be more flexible with date plans.

Well, all of you are right that I overreacted. There is a bit more to the story that is kind of what made me mad. She said something earlier that had reminded me of something my ex said to me when we were about to break up. Although the girl I was with didn’t mean it in a bad way, when my ex said it, it was a bad thing. The premis of that was that my ex said I let her boss me around. Now there is a lot more to why this got on my nerves involving some family issues. That’s the main reason I acted like that. I didn’t consider how scared she must have been and I’m dumb for not seeing it. I see now I should apologize for it.

 

I think the thing that made me so mad was that the date could have been salvaged, but instead of realizing it was my fault I just kind of blamed it on her. She ended up calling me though. She said sorry and although I was mad at the time she kind of snapped me out of it. I didn’t really realize any of this till now and as soon as I get the chance I’m going to apologize to her.

Good for you.