House Disagreements.

Before I go on, I need to give you an update on my boyfriend's past. He is 39, and his only other 'real' relationship was in his early 20's. He's dated here and there, but never committed.

 

We recently bought a house last October and it's really tested our relationship. Obviously we come from two different families: I grew up in a house with rules and boundaries, and he grew up in a home where his parents gave in to everything. I also grew up in a home where it was always decorated and clutter free, he came from a home where his parents are pack rats and probably have had the same decorations since the 80's.

 

So, here's the situation. My boyfriend is very close to his family. He told me from the beginning he wanted a picture drawn of his parents and hang it up in the house. I'm totally okay with it, as long as it flows with the rest of the room. Well, he proceeded to tell me he wanted it poster size and the focal point. I didn't say anything, held my tongue but I'm quite sure my face said otherwise. I told him, why not an 8x10 , and we can put it on this space we have empty so we can put photos of our family there and I can also have a wedding photo of my grandparents displayed. He didn't say anything. I honestly do not want a poster sized picture of his parents in the living room, especially on a wall I intended to leave blank. We live in a small house, and can't afford to have stuff up every where- it'll make the space smaller.

 

His argument will probably be, "I've always wanted my own house." The thing is, when he was looking for houses off and on, he was still single. Now I'm in the picture and I'm not sure if he understands that it's no longer just him.

 

I dont want to assume he picked up on my vibes last night, but I also don't know how to tell him I'm not okay with it. I'm not telling him no he can't have a picture, but it at least needs to done tastefully. It sounds so ridiculous, but because he's so close to his parents, he will get offended.

How long have you been dating? How long did you live together before buying a house. Did you know he and his parents were hoarders? It tends to run in families. A poster sized photo of someone's parents in the living room is a little creepy.

 

Put NO pictures of family up there. Your folks, grandparents, etc. This way you can't haggle about the photo he wants. Pick you battles and decide who is in charge of decorating and who is in charge of this or that. It sounds like some adjusting is in order and part of that is errands, chores, finances and living space.

 

Tastes vary. However you bought a house with him for whatever reason and the attitude of "his home was a superfund site and mine was the palace at Versailles" is never going to work as an argument. You'll have to compromise because people usually perceive what they are used to as comfortable and "home".

You two really need to learn to sit down and talk and discuss any and all issues. You are assuming how he will react, what type of negative comments may come from him etc., yet you havent had a big talk! Start there, when you are both calm and relaxed and discuss this. There's no way around it. A compromise should be possible.

Does he have an office or man cave where he could put it?

 

I think the bigger picture here is that he may lack relationship skills, such as compromise (but he may not be aware of that). If he comes up with the phrase "I always wanted a place of my own ", then he is not thinking in terms of the two of you as a couple - just himself.

 

It is great that he loves and honors his parents, but a poster sized picture is just plain weird.

 

I wonder if there are videos on picture placement in a room. I recently bought a frame, and a paper that came with it showed possible groupings or configurations for a series of pictures for artful display. Perhaps you could show him a few options and you could choose one configuration together.

 

How long were you dating before you bought a house together? Do you have future plans for marriage and children?

What's rough is that he's told you this from the beginning. I'm not sure why he tells you he wants a painting of his family, and in your head, you picture it as an 8x10 framed photo. I think anyone would reasonably assume that guy fully intended to have a big ass portrait of his fam up there. Now that's not saying I'd want something like that hanging up. Sounds incredibly tacky or outdated, depending on how much you draw a distinction there. Love my family to death, but we're a few years past 1750. I'll consider them for real estate inside my wallet maybe. But I'd also have given the idea a hard "no" from the beginning. Plenty of ways to honor the club.

 

Unfortunately, this is something you're just gonna have to sit down and hash out, trying to achieve some kind of middle ground. While I tend to lament many situations people feel call for "compromise," this situation is the real deal.

 

Also, is the house both of yours in actual name?

These reactions have been said and done before by him- no assumptions unfortunately. I have to tread slowly with him, especially anything family related.

Does he have an office or man cave where he could put it?

 

I think the bigger picture here is that he may lack relationship skills, such as compromise (but he may not be aware of that). If he comes up with the phrase "I always wanted a place of my own ", then he is not thinking in terms of the two of you as a couple - just himself.

 

It is great that he loves and honors his parents, but a poster sized picture is just plain weird.

 

I wonder if there are videos on picture placement in a room. I recently bought a frame, and a paper that came with it showed possible groupings or configurations for a series of pictures for artful display. Perhaps you could show him a few options and you could choose one configuration together.

 

How long were you dating before you bought a house together? Do you have future plans for marriage and children?

 

Yes, compromise is definitely an issue. His parents have given him everything he has ever wanted, he even admits he's spoiled. And, it's hard to communicate with someone who always gets what he wants from his parents. We've been together a little over two years, and it's our first time living together. We've already worked out some kinks...he used to be on the phone with his family while we were eating dinner. I told him I felt that it was rude, as dinner is the only time we can actually talk and catch up without the tv interrupting or even doing daily house chores. Marriage and children have been discussed, but definitely not rushing into anything.

Wouldn't hang in my house. The garage would be more appropriate.

 

If you knew all of this about him, why would you think you could be compatible living together?

Is your name on the house, or is it just under his name?

 

You are in a relationship - but you are expecting him to change. I don't think your relationship will be successful in the long run.

 

You should feel free to be able to voice your opinion without fear of repercussion. I'm not sure why you are continuing in this relationship, if you don't feel comfortable voicing your opinion.

It sounds like both of you thought the other one would "change". Or at least acquiesce to the other's wishes.

 

Did you not discuss these things before you signed the mortgage docs?

A house, chores and costs associated with it won't change a 39 year old mama's boy.

Yes, what's interesting is that you both don't want a reasonably sized photo of the two of You in the living area and instead are arguing about all sorts of pictures of parents and grandparents, etc.

 

It seems you are both overly attached to your parents/families and haven't made the transition to being a couple who owns a house together.

A house, chores and costs associated with it won't change a 39 year old mama's boy.

We recently bought a house last October and it's really tested our relationship.

 

This is a pretty expensive way to test a relationship. I'd consider this investment to be (at least) as much about the relationship as about the decor.

 

Most 'stuff' is temporary. If my partner wanted a poster sized picture of his parents to grace our shared walls I'd negotiate using practicality as my friend. I'd sound enthusiastic about creating a family wall for multiple pics and invite him to find additional photos he loves to add to it. Then I'd lay all of our photos out on the floor for US to plan the gallery wall.

 

From there I would be able to discuss two things: proportion to all other images along with the caveat that we must learn how large we can upsize any given photo before distortion will ruin the image.

 

So poster size may not even be feasible unless the original image is very large and clear for scanning OR it's stored digitally at a very high resolution. I'd tell partner that if the printing company estimates a size that's too small for his liking, we can compensate by setting it into a large and beautiful mat and frame to give it prominence.

 

I'd use matting and framing to add color and balance to the overall gallery, and I'd turn it into something I can live with if it makes partner happy.

His parents have given him everything he has ever wanted,

Maybe subconsciously he feels he owes them and honouring them with a 'Hall of Presidents' type portrait will do the trick?

 

Seems you're at a loggerhead about the issue and in my experience when a mutual decision can't be made, then a compromise is in order. Can you come up with something that will satisfy his need to Idolize them while keeping it classy and relevant?

 

If you're taking a vote, I'd not want anything like that of my in-laws (or my outlaws) hanging in my home either.

Just as a point of practicality, and I don't what your finances are like... has he any idea how much it would cost to commission a picture like this?

 

He's talking about an original piece of artwork, right? You may find he goes off the idea once he realises...

 

However, that's a side issue - a much bigger one is the difficulty you both seem to have with compromise in the face of widely differing views about what you want your house to be like. Perhaps a sit-down discussion before any decor is added might help, but you'd both need to be prepared to meet the other halfway.