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Thread: At this point I donít know what to do

  1. #1

    At this point I donít know what to do

    So Iíve been dating this guy for almost a year. When we just started taking I learn about his social anxiety which I didnít have a problem with. Three to four months into the relationship I met all his family and we basically moved in with each other. My family will invite him over and heíll always have an excuse to why he canít make it. At this point I know I told him I wouldnít put it and he can do it whenever heís ready, but thatís now like our main issue. We fight a lot about it because my family is important to me and I feel like Iím not getting the respect Iím giving him..... what should I do????
    Ohh I bought tickets to a concert and a comedy show with my family and ohh heís showing up not to meet my family but because of all the strangers Iíll be around...

  2. #2
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    Why did you move in so early into the relationship? It's generally not wise to do this, because you don't know the person well enough to commit like that. You are seeing this now.

    In any case, if you don't actually accept who he is (and I wouldn't blame you for finding this difficult to deal with) then it's time for you to end it. You knew he suffered social anxiety going into this, and you can see it is a problem for the relationship. If he's not getting any help, I would bow out gracefully.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    You may be close to your family and socialize with them all the time but expecting a bf/gf do do the same is not realistic or fair. Invitations are not subpoenas a so don't turn it into that.

    Relax. If he wants to join you, great, if not go yourself enjoy your family and let him have his own space. Especially since you "practically moved in together after 3-4 mos". Way too much way too soon.

    In the future if you try this you will create a huge in-law hatred situation. Never force people on each other. Stop fighting, you need to respect his desire to not spend this much time with your family. He's not stopping you from going so relax and reconsider that many people are not attached at the hip with their families.
    Originally Posted by sherika
    My family will invite him over and heíll always have an excuse to why he canít make it. We fight a lot about it because my family is important to me and I feel like Iím not getting the respect Iím giving him.

  4. #4
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    You moved in with a stranger. You should have waited at least a year.

    What happens with friends? Has he sought help?

    Something has to change, or this will not work.

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  6. #5
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    I was in a long term relationship with someone that had major social anxiety issues and it did get in the way of the relationship, unfortunately you either have to be very patient with them, and i mean VERY patient, or move on without them which is what i did. I did find that not pushing them to do anything they don't want to do helped, make sure he knows how important it is to you that he meets your family, if he cares about you enough he'll make a big effort to put his social anxiety aside.

  7. #6
    I think moving in wasnít the right way of saying it I still have my own place. We just spend majority of the time at his.

  8. #7
    Gold Member Coldarmy13's Avatar
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    Enough people have brought up moving in together far too fast. That isnít always damning but is a risk.

    My advice is to decide whether itís a dealbreaker and go from there. Though, the more pressure that he feels you put on him to be with your family, the less he will want to do it. If you stick with him, Iíd give him all the space in the world regarding your family, thatís what may help open him up to it.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    What you see in the present, expect it for the future. Best not to hope for different behavior and stick around to see if it MIGHT happen. Expect he won't attend a birthday party for you hosted by your family. Expect he won't go with you to your parents house on Christmas day for brunch and opening presents. You will live a compartmentalized life.

    If that's a dealbreaker to you, tell him it is and why. If he cares, he will get the the psychiatric care he needs to be able to socialize properly. If he doesn't care enough, he will choose to continue on with his way of isolating himself to his own detriment. If he doesn't care enough, why would you stay?

  10. #9
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    OK, even the framing of what is going on is in your own mindset, not his.

    To you, he is insulting you and your family by not participating in each and every family moment because you enjoy them so much, as does your family. In addition, you are convinced that he must have social anxiety since how could he not enjoy family gatherings as much as you do.

    Try wearing his shoes for a moment.

    Maybe he just does not get recharged by the interactions as you do.

    For one, there is no way he is as connected to all of them as you are. And that is in both directions, btw. Your family cannot possibly that into him as much as you were at one point.

    Secondly, maybe he has other interests besides family gatherings.

    It doesn't mean he is anxious in social settings.

  11. #10
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    "What happens with friends? Has he sought help?"

    You didn't answer these questions?

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