Still struggling to let go six months later

In February, I came out of an eight month relationship with a girl who meant an awful lot to me. It's been six months now, and I'm still in the rut of trying to move past this and be happy while still getting dragged down (I reached my absolute lowest point yesterday).

This isn't for lack of trying as I've tried numerous different things to get myself out of this mess. Writing songs and getting back into writing music, online therapy (that one turned out to be a bit of a bust since I wasn't told anything that I couldn't have been told for free by someone without a fancy certificate), and even going on a couple of dates with other people (with mixed results). No matter what I've tried, I always end up back in this state of despair. I feel that I'm becoming jaded towards the notion of love and relationships, and that it's just something I'll have to do without.

I understand why the relationship had to end, and that it was for the best, but I can't help but find myself thinking 'what if things were different?'. After all, the only issues we had were on my part and I wasn't able to fix them (she felt I was holding back out of fear of upsetting/offending her, and I wasn't able to have back and forth teasing with her as I couldn't always tell if she was joking due to my Asperger's), therefore I have no one to blame for this mess other than myself.

Is this just what my future will be? Forever stuck in this rut of temporary happiness followed by intense grief and lament over a past that's now long gone? Will I just be stuck trying to recreate what we had with someone else without the issues that lead to its downfall? But what if I do eventually move on, and then find someone else only for them to not stick around as well? There's only so much I can take, and right now I feel I'm at my absolute lowest when I thought I was getting better. Should I just accept that I'm better off alone? How do you even let go?

Sorry you're hurting.

It's important to understand that what you're feeling right now is totally normal. Strange as it sounds, if you can accept that—rather than fighting it, judging it, viewing your pain as a personal failure—you may find yourself feeling differently sooner than you know. You are healing. And growing. It's not easy, I know, but it's a valuable time.

Similarly, I'd challenge yourself to start thinking about the relationship in more nuanced terms. It is simply not your fault that it's over. It's not hers. Relationships are mysterious that way: they simply work until they don't. Sometimes people are perfectly compatible for only a weekend, or for eight months, or for eight years. And then...they're not. Yeah, it's important to reflect on what you could have done differently, so next time around you're more aware, but at a certain point those thoughts need to soften. You let go of this chapter so you can be present for the next one.

Sorry you're hurting.

 

It's important to understand that what you're feeling right now is totally normal. Strange as it sounds, if you can accept that—rather than fighting it, judging it, viewing your pain as a personal failure—you may find yourself feeling differently sooner than you know. You are healing. And growing. It's not easy, I know, but it's a valuable time.

 

Similarly, I'd challenge yourself to start thinking about the relationship in more nuanced terms. It is simply not your fault that it's over. It's not hers. Relationships are mysterious that way: they simply work until they don't. Sometimes people are perfectly compatible for only a weekend, or for eight months, or for eight years. And then...they're not. Yeah, it's important to reflect on what you could have done differently, so next time around you're more aware, but at a certain point those thoughts need to soften. You let go of this chapter so you can be present for the next one.

I'm trying, I used my music as an outlet to express my emotions on the issue (resulting in an EP which I'm really proud of and excited to release next week) and thought that getting back into doing music would get me to a point where I would be over it, but I guess that just turned out to be a momentary distraction from my issues. I don't know, I guess I thought I'd be long over this by now, but I'm still here while she's happier and better off without me.

You just have to keep doing what you're doing. There's no quick fix. Keep distracting yourself with your music and your work. And make sure to get out in the sun, walk about, hang out with friends and family, and try to do things you like to do. And over time, it will hurt less.

There are a lot of days I still think about my ex and wonder to varying degrees "what if?" and we broke up last November (went NC end of December). I also know that the relationship ending was for the best, but I can't help but still feel sad and jaded about dating as well. Realize your thoughts and feelings are totally normal, as long as they are not consuming your whole life and happiness. Grief doesn't have a set time line and isn't linear. Be patient with yourself and keep putting yourself out there.

You just have to keep doing what you're doing. There's no quick fix. Keep distracting yourself with your music and your work. And make sure to get out in the sun, walk about, hang out with friends and family, and try to do things you like to do. And over time, it will hurt less.

That's exactly what I've been trying to do for six months. Whenever I feel like I've moved on or that I'm better, I always seem to end up back in the pit of despair and blaming myself. While my music did provide that outlet, there's only so many songs you can write about a failed relationship and honestly, I feel that I've written all that I can about it; anything else would just feel like I'm beating a dead horse. I guess what's set off this latest relapse is me unexpectedly finding out through the grapevine that she's now seeing someone else while I'm still here trying to move past this all.

Ah, so you know where it's coming from. This is where you have to take a deep breath, and just give yourself a minute to feel some feelings. Plain and simple, it always sucks when we hear an ex is seeing someone else, whatever the circumstances of the breakup.

I'm 10 months out of a breakup I know had to happen, feeling good after many painful months of solitude and soul-searching, and currently seeing someone who is amazing. That said, if I heard my ex was seeing someone I'd feel some feelings. So, yeah, this is normal.

One thing to consider, though. You talk about writing songs as a way of moving on, but something like that can also be the opposite: a way of holding on, clinging to the pain, still trying to control a story and narrative that's ended. I'm also a creative person—I make my living doing my version of your song writing—so I can relate to this. It's a good step, sure, for processing, but it's also important to get to the others as well.

That you feel you've written all you can, and are frustrated by that, is kind of like saying you're frustrated that you don't feel all the crazy pain that you did. In other words, you may be letting go more than you think. It's time to enter the non-glamorous, non-romantic stage of healing, where you just kind of shrug and go: it is what it is. Time to live my own life. Only so much blood (or songs) to be drawn from a stone, you know?

Oh, here's some advice that weirdly you don't see being given often on here but which is actually the subtext of so much of these threads...

Start reading/listening to what others are going through. Open your heart, offer whatever kindness and advice you can give. You'll likely find yourself giving people the advice you're not quite yet willing to take yourself, but in giving it a little subconscious shift happens. You'll detach from your own drama, view it with some more distance and perspective, and find yourself less controlled by it. And, before you know it, you'll start taking your own advice, because it'll just kind of feel ridiculous not to.

Ah, so you know where it's coming from. This is where you have to take a deep breath, and just give yourself a minute to feel some feelings. Plain and simple, it always sucks when we hear an ex is seeing someone else, whatever the circumstances of the breakup.

 

I'm 10 months out of a breakup I know had to happen, feeling good after many painful months of solitude and soul-searching, and currently seeing someone who is amazing. That said, if I heard my ex was seeing someone I'd feel some feelings. So, yeah, this is normal.

 

One thing to consider, though. You talk about writing songs as a way of moving on, but something like that can also be the opposite: a way of holding on, clinging to the pain, still trying to control a story and narrative that's ended. I'm also a creative person—I make my living doing my version of your song writing—so I can relate to this. It's a good step, sure, for processing, but it's also important to get to the others as well.

 

That you feel you've written all you can, and are frustrated by that, is kind of like saying you're frustrated that you don't feel all the crazy pain that you did. In other words, you may be letting go more than you think. It's time to enter the non-glamorous, non-romantic stage of healing, where you just kind of shrug and go: it is what it is. Time to live my own life. Only so much blood (or songs) to be drawn from a stone, you know?

It's not that I don't feel the pain anymore, because that certainly isn't the case, it's that I feel there's only so much I can say about what I went through. The songs were an attempt to create something productive out of this mess, mainly covering my emotions and asking questions (leading to the conclusion that I'm to blame and I'm probably meant for solitude) only for the last song to cover how I felt I was on the way to getting better and finished with asking questions I'm never going to get the answers to (which I've pretty much contradicted big time as here I am back where I started). It's just incredibly rare for me to encounter someone I genuinely like, and she was the first person I was with who I actually wanted to be with as opposed to my short lived 'relationships' of my late teens which were mainly either for the sake of being with someone or because of friends talking me into being with someone. I just feel like it's going to be a long time until someone like that comes along again, if they even exist at all.

I hear you, buddy. It might be a long time, it might be tomorrow. That's the reality, the dice roll of it all, and the only way we can cope with it, really, is by accepting that fact. We do things to augment the pain, the loneliness: writing songs, hanging with friends, savoring a good meal, pushing ourselves to try new things—whatever. Somewhere in all that we get secure again, comfortable whether we're alone or partnered up, and the irony is that it's often once we're comfortable being alone again that we're able to connect with someone on the deep level.

I don't say any of this from some mountaintop of wisdom. I was in your shoes not long ago, and so much of what I was doing felt forced. Creative projects. Adventurous trips around the world. Stopping and smelling flowers. The works. Meanwhile, inside was just a sadness, a longing, a sense of rejection and fear for what was on the horizon. But somehow, somewhere, I found I was actually just, like, enjoying myself again. Living. Learning. Being. Didn't mean that sadness went away—it's still there as I write this—but it softened, didn't dominate me.

You'll get there. Just really try to be compassionate with yourself. Take the love you felt for her and turn it back toward you. No blame, no replaying everything and looking for the three spots where you sunk the ship. That's just not how these things happen. They just...do. And they suck. Once you kind of accept that, the way you know grass is green and skies are blue, it won't have quite the same weight.

I've always enjoyed your posts BlueCastle*. Beautiful.

Carus*

I've always enjoyed your posts BlueCastle*. Beautiful.

Carus*

I agree, this whole thread has some great advice. All I can do is explain what worked for me in the past.

Start thinking about you, only you, and your future as much as possible. Write a song about everything you want in your next relationship... how she smells looks etc. Get out of the past and looking back.

Have you worked on what you feel you needed to work on? Any issues?

I've got some codependency issues... it takes me 8 months to a year to get over a relationship. It's normal to feel what you're feeling. The timeline is different for everyone.

I'm guessing she's not on a pedestal since you've been here for a bit. If she is knock her off of it. Her crap stunk and she wasn't perfect. Remind yourself of things that pissed you off that she did.

Most importantly worry about yourself and love yourself. Know you're good enough and the relationship didn't fail because of one person. That's not how it works.

I can say for a fact it does help to read other posts and give advice here. I'm going through a separation and probably a divorce with my first wife who I also work with. No kids involved. Its raw right now and I'm a mess.

Other people have it way worse than that. You've got this, and I bet in a month or two you'll be damn near ready to conquer the world.

I agree, this whole thread has some great advice. All I can do is explain what worked for me in the past.

 

Start thinking about you, only you, and your future as much as possible. Write a song about everything you want in your next relationship... how she smells looks etc. Get out of the past and looking back.

 

Have you worked on what you feel you needed to work on? Any issues?

 

I've got some codependency issues... it takes me 8 months to a year to get over a relationship. It's normal to feel what you're feeling. The timeline is different for everyone.

 

I'm guessing she's not on a pedestal since you've been here for a bit. If she is knock her off of it. Her crap stunk and she wasn't perfect. Remind yourself of things that pissed you off that she did.

 

Most importantly worry about yourself and love yourself. Know you're good enough and the relationship didn't fail because of one person. That's not how it works.

 

I can say for a fact it does help to read other posts and give advice here. I'm going through a separation and probably a divorce with my first wife who I also work with. No kids involved. Its raw right now and I'm a mess.

 

Other people have it way worse than that. You've got this, and I bet in a month or two you'll be damn near ready to conquer the world.

For the first point, the music I write is within the realms of Melodic Hardcore, a genre where the music and songs are relatively pessimistic and introspective, so a song about that wouldn't really work for what I'm going through. I'm writing songs about different topics though, so that's a plus side.

I'm not sure, I think maybe I just need to be more assertive and not be overly nice (which I'm like with pretty much everyone). I also have a tendency to worry myself when I get involved with someone since I'm not used to having people show me interest, yet alone if there's mutual interest, and I've grown to expect things to fall apart. Apart from those, I can't think of anything else that I need to work on.

I'm already feeling a bit better about this, I still get a bit sad from time to time, but it's not an overwhelming sadness that engulfs everything I do. She wasn't able to see my worth to it's full extent (while she appreciated me, clearly it wasn't enough since we're no longer together), but that's her loss, and one day I may meet someone who does appreciate me to the full extent and then I'll be thankful for having had to go through all this.