Why is he bashing me like this?

Hi everybody. Here I am again. As some of you may know, I am in the middle of a divorce after nearly 29 years. My son has been helping his father to make the house realtor ready for selling it so they talk. Today, my son was helping me figure out a Retirement Spending Worksheet. While doing this, he mentioned that my soon-to-be-ex told him that I treated him like an ATM machine. I cannot describe how hurt and shocked I was to be accused of such a thing. I have never been extravagant in any way. In fact, quite the opposite because I never took the fact that he makes a really good living for granted. I was, IMO, always careful not to indulge in conspicuous consumption. Yes, I treated myself at times, but never in an excessive manner. I am trying my best to cope with the divorce (which I didn't want) but this put me over the edge. I am so very upset and insulted to be so wrongly accused. And the worse part is that he he brainwashing my son with this false info. I am the first one to admit if I am wrong but I never ever regarded him as an ATM! I had the utmost respect for him despite all his flaws. And my son seems to be on his side which hurts me deeply because it's not true at all!!! How could be say such a thing? And, how could my son possibly believe him? How should I handle this?

Because he is a jerk. Just be loving to your son . Don’t make comments about your ex-husband to your son at all. Your son will figure him out soon enough .

What exactly happened that causes you to believe that your son is being influenced and is critical of you?

It's very likely your soon to be ex will say bad things about you to relieve his own guilt.

You take the high road, don't react and know that your son is watching how the two of handle your own ends.

You can't let what he says effect you this way.

It is a choice.

Look. . if he was great guy you'd still be married to him.

Not to minimize your feelings but the comment is insignificant in the scheme of things.

You get to choose how much impact or value it has. It is a choice.

I'd shrug it off and ignore it.

Your truth is all that matters. Believe in yourself first. The rest is all noise.

Because he is a jerk. Just be loving to your son . Don’t make comments about your ex-husband to your son at all. Your son will figure him out soon enough .

I sincerely hope my son does. It's just not right for him to discredit me like this. Yes, I agree , he is a jerk.

What exactly happened that causes you to believe that your son is being influenced and is critical of you?

 

It's very likely your soon to be ex will say bad things about you to relieve his own guilt.

You take the high road, don't react and know that your son is watching how the two of handle your own ends.

 

You can't let what he says effect you this way.

It is a choice.

 

Look. . if he was great guy you'd still be married to him.

Not to minimize your feelings but the comment is insignificant in the scheme of things.

You get to choose how much impact or value it has. It is a choice.

I'd shrug it off and ignore it.

Your truth is all that matters. Believe in yourself first. The rest is all noise.

Because I told my son that my lawyer informed me that I am entitled to a monthly "maintenance fee" (based on the number of years that we were married and his salary). My STBX is being very fair and honest because we are splitting all assets in half but when I told my son about the maintenance fee he said that I was being greedy. And that I wanted to squeeze more money out of him. That certainly was not my intention. That's when he said that I treated his father like an ATM. How dare he (my STBX) say that? What a horrible lie and what an awful thing to say about me.

It's just that I get the impression that my son believes him (and seems to agree with him) when he tells him things that are not true i.e. that I was not affectionate and who knows what else. You are right: if he was a great guy I'd still be married to him. I took off my rose-coloured glasses recently and now I realise how verbally and emotionally abusive he was, how controlling (his way or the highway) and how very chauvinistic. I spoke to his mother, his sister, my brother and his wife and a few friends about the divorce and they all said that he is a very difficult person to live with. I knew that but still loved him unconditionally. I am not trying to make myself look good but I completely agree with them. He is VERY difficult to deal with him. Live and learn, I guess. Thank you for your sound feedback, reinventmyself. You make so much sense.

I think you need to dispose yourself of the fact that he is “ very honest and fair.” He isn’t .

I would stop talking to his family about him. Whether you think so or not, they are most likely passing whatever you say along to him.

Don’t discuss the details of your divorce with your kids . There is nothing worse for kids even adult kids . I lived through 3 divorces. Twice as a kid and once as an adult. As an adult both my parents use me as their sounding board and my brother too. All it did was mess us up. Any counsellor or psychologist ,anybody to do with mental health would tell you never involve your kids even as adults .

Don’t discuss the details of your divorce with your kids . There is nothing worse for kids even adult kids . I lived through 3 divorces. Twice as a kid and once as an adult. As an adult both my parents use me as their sounding board and my brother too. All it did was mess us up. Any counsellor or psychologist ,anybody to do with mental health would tell you never involve your kids even as adults .

Exactly right. Your Son does not need to be involved with any of this!

I think you need to dispose yourself of the fact that he is “ very honest and fair.” He isn’t .

Yes, I am seeing that now.

Exactly right. Your Son does not need to be involved with any of this!

I am not discussing it with them anymore, although I did to some degree at first. But I was just stating facts which they already knew. I stopped. HE is the one who is apparently discussing it with my son who goes to the house to help him get the house ready for selling and to work out. I will tell my son when he visits me that I don't want to hear anything about what his father said or did as soon as he comes in. I didn't ask him today; he just told me after he said I was being greedy. That's when he said that his father told him I treated him like an ATM.

I am not discussing it with them anymore, although I did to some degree at first. But I was just stating facts which they already knew. I stopped. HE is the one who is apparently discussing it with my son who goes to the house to help him get the house ready for selling and to work out. I will tell my son when he visits me that I don't want to hear anything about what his father said or did as soon as he comes in. I didn't ask him today; he just told me after he said I was being greedy. That's when he said that his father told him I treated him like an ATM.

You can not stop he does you can only stop what you do .

I would stop talking to his family about him. Whether you think so or not, they are most likely passing whatever you say along to him.

Actually, boltnrun, his mother and sister are the ones who are telling me that he is controlling, and it's his way or the highway, etc. I am agreeing with them because it's the truth. I never ever complained about him to anyone but they know what he's all about, as do other some other people. In fact, his mother has told me numerous times during our marriage that I "deserve a medal for putting up with him". I'm not bad-mouthing him; he's doing it to me, apparently. I will tell my son that I don't want to hear anything he has to say about his father when he comes to visit me. I don't need to hear his BS and his lies. I won't stoop down to his level.

Actually, boltnrun, his mother and sister are the ones who are telling me that he is controlling, and it's his way or the highway, etc. I am agreeing with them because it's the truth. I never ever complained about him to anyone but they know what he's all about, as do other some other people. In fact, his mother has told me numerous times during our marriage that I "deserve a medal for putting up with him". I'm not bad-mouthing him; he's doing it to me, apparently. I will tell my son that I don't want to hear anything he has to say about his father when he comes to visit me. I don't need to hear his BS and his lies. I won't stoop down to his level.

I can tell you from personal experience, how you view the conversation and how they report it to him are most likely completely different. You "agree" with what they say and somehow it gets translated into "Goddess says you're controlling and that it's your way or the highway". They'll just leave out the part where they said those things first.

I'm sorry, but no matter how much you think THEY think he's at fault, he's still their family member. So, I'd be very careful unless you want to hear even more of his second hand BS.

I get while sorting this out its tempting to get others to weigh in on it to validate your experience.

In the end it doesn't matter. What matters is you know your truth. Others will have theirs.

My ex's family sided with me and said similar things. But when all is said and done they are his family and whether they agree with him or not, they will stand beside him because that's what a family does.

They are always very kind when they see me but ultimately I had to distance myself because it's his family, not mine.

Lean on your family and friends. Your son will thank you for not bringing him into the mix.

I think what you hear from others about what your husband is saying should be taken with a grain of salt.

Who knows if what you are hearing about your ex husband (and what he is allegedly saying) is the actual truth. A situation like this can be compared to a game of telephone - Messages are passed from one person to the next and can become distorted once they reach your ears.

Plus, can people can interpret what others say differently, and what is being told to you may not be what your ex husband intended (that's if he said anything at all).

For example, when I was younger, and living with roommates in university, I'd be having a discussion with one of my friend's/roommates. I would then overhear my friend talking to another roommate later on, and she would say, "Well, Milly told me......", and what my friend said to my roommate is not at all what I had said or intended. My friend's tone and the way in which she would pass along what I said made me uncomfortable as I didn't think her delivery in terms of what I had told her was accurate. I would then find myself having to listen at times during their discussions to ensure nothing was misconstrued as I was laying in bed trying to have a nap after a long day of classes & work.

That said, I would be careful of believing everything that you hear. Your husband may have said something that was misinterpreted by your son, etc.

And, like some of the others have mentioned, you know the truth. You know that you were careful with finances and that you did not use your ex as an ATM. Therefore, try and let this hearsay roll off your back. Lastly, like someone has already mentioned, you can choose how to react in these situations. Allowing this information to get to you is a waste of energy. If you choose to not let it affect you negatively, you'll be amazed at how much better you will feel.

I can tell you from personal experience, how you view the conversation and how they report it to him are most likely completely different. You "agree" with what they say and somehow it gets translated into "Goddess says you're controlling and that it's your way or the highway". They'll just leave out the part where they said those things first.

 

I'm sorry, but no matter how much you think THEY think he's at fault, he's still their family member. So, I'd be very careful unless you want to hear even more of his second hand BS.

I agree, they are his family but, unfortunately, he doesn't respect them either. He's particularly rude and disrespecful toward his sister. They are not close by any stretch of the imagination. The sad thing is that both of my parents are deceased. I have one brother and his family, my MIL and his sister and her family. No aunts, no uncles, no cousins here (a few in Europe though). The only friends I have are the spouses of the people that my STBX works with. I do have my precious sons who are my world. I just feel so alone. My MIL and his sister called me after hearing about the divorce and told me that they want me in their lives. If they wanted to cut all ties, this would have been the perfect opportunity. Yet, they chose to keep me, unlike their son/brother who threw me away.

I think what you hear from others about what your husband is saying should be taken with a grain of salt.

 

Who knows if what you are hearing about your ex husband (and what he is allegedly saying) is the actual truth. A situation like this can be compared to a game of telephone - Messages are passed from one person to the next and can become distorted once they reach your ears.

 

Plus, can people can interpret what others say differently, and what is being told to you may not be what your ex husband intended (that's if he said anything at all).

 

For example, when I was younger, and living with roommates in university, I'd be having a discussion with one of my friend's/roommates. I would then overhear my friend talking to another roommate later on, and she would say, "Well, Milly told me......", and what my friend said to my roommate is not at all what I had said or intended. My friend's tone and the way in which she would pass along what I said made me uncomfortable as I didn't think her delivery in terms of what I had told her was accurate. I would then find myself having to listen at times during their discussions to ensure nothing was misconstrued as I was laying in bed trying to have a nap after a long day of classes & work.

 

That said, I would be careful of believing everything that you hear. Your husband may have said something that was misinterpreted by your son, etc.

 

And, like some of the others have mentioned, you know the truth. You know that you were careful with finances and that you did not use your ex as an ATM. Therefore, try and let this hearsay roll off your back. Lastly, like someone has already mentioned, you can choose how to react in these situations. Allowing this information to get to you is a waste of energy. If you choose to not let it affect you negatively, you'll be amazed at how much better you will feel.

I do understand what you are saying but, he told my son; my son told me. That's not too many people. I think it's pretty clear about his saying that I treated him like an ATM. How else can one interpret that any other way? It's just so very insulting and extremely hurtful. But, that just goes to show me his true colours. How could he possible think that? That is so warped. I can guarantee you that I was careful with finances and my efforts meant nothing to him. You're so right when you said that allowing this info to get to me is a waste of energy. Still, hearing something like that is mind blowing and a gross exaggeration. I was just shocked but I'll get over it. I have to...

Yes, I know the truth but will my son/sons ever see that? He is making me sound like some sort of horrible monster. I just hope that in the future my sons will realise the truth one day and see me as the kind, giving, compassionate and loving person that I am. I hope I don't sound narcissistic but I am a good person with sound morals and values. And, I am not a liar, nor do I exaggerate.

I see my dad for the p....k he is. Most likely your kids will too.

But how he had the wool pulled over your eyes this long.... that he was some kind of nice superstar I don’t understand.

I see my dad for the p....k he is. Most likely your kids will too.

 

But how he had the wool pulled over your eyes this long.... that he was some kind of nice superstar I don’t understand.

Oh, dear Seraphin, I hope they do. All I want is for them to see/know the truth, not exaggerated lies. I guess deep in my heart, I did realise what he was all about and his insecurities and dreadful personality but I felt sorry/bad (not sure if these are the right words). According to him, his parents put him in the back burner, and I wanted to show him how highly I thought of him. I admired him. I respected him, IMO. He was wholeheartedly my best friend and I loved him unconditionally. I idolised him. Don't mean to sound mushy, but I accepted him for who and what he was. I truly thought the world of him. He disregarded all my efforts to please him, both emotionally and physically. I gave him my heart and soul but it was apparently not reciprocated. To learn that he said this about me just totally stunned me. I don't deserve that abuse.

I tried to rise above it, but it's simply too hard. Hearing that broke my heart even more that it already is. My goodness, what an idiot I am. I wonder what is wrong with me at times.

Why did your son tell you this? Get a certified financial planner and a CPA, you'll need them throughout the divorce and in the future anyway.

Do not rely on kids as a new surrogate spouse. Biggest mistake that anyone can make. Do not force kids to take "sides". They are neutral and trying to cope with the crossfire imposed on them by both of you. They have the right to continue to love both parents as they see fit. Remember it's your divorce, not theirs.

Please finally see a therapist to navigate all these inevitable issues. Depend on your attorney and financial consultants for these issues and your therapist for the emotional issues. Don't drag your kids into this or start depending on them.

he mentioned that my soon-to-be-ex told him that I treated him like an ATM machine. my son seems to be on his side which hurts me deeply.

Why did your son tell you this? Get a certified financial planner and a CPA, you'll need them throughout the divorce and in the future anyway.

 

Do not rely on kids as a new surrogate spouse. Biggest mistake that anyone can make. Do not force kids to take "sides". They are neutral and trying to cope with the crossfire imposed on them by both of you. They have the right to continue to love both parents as they see fit. Remember it's your divorce, not theirs.

 

Please finally see a therapist to navigate all these inevitable issues. Depend on your attorney and financial consultants for these issues and your therapist for the emotional issues. Don't drag your kids into this or start depending on them.

I do have a certified financial planner. He's the one who sent me the form to fill out. I don't know the cost of certain things like auto insurance, phone charges, etc because I haven't paid bills in 30 years although I offered various times to do them during the marriage. Because my son pays all his own bills, he has a better idea than I do regarding expenses. That simple. The financial adviser needs this info so he can figure out my costs and manage my assets. STBX and I are splitting assets equally but I happened to mention that, by law, I am entitled to a monthly maintenance fee which I am not getting, as previously agreed as per my STBX's request. It was at that point that my son accused me of being greedy, followed by telling me that his father told him that I treated him like an ATM. His father is telling my son these things, not me. I will tell my son to not tell me anything that his father says about me from now on. It's just very sad that my STBX is making me sound like a greedy monster of sorts, especially since it's not true. It';s just not fair. I don't want my son to see me in such a negative way.

I am definitely not hinting or asking my sons to take sides. I am not that stupid. Also, it was my attorney who advised me that I am entitled to the monthly maintenance fee in addition to the splitting of assets. STBX had a fit when my lawyer notified his lawyer that she was going to represent me. I did agree to not contest the agreement but, if I was supposedly entitled to this fee, why not? I feel it was not greed at all. That said, I was compelled to dismiss my lawyer because it would have turned messy. Today, I am going to sign the divorce papers and be done with it. I just want it to be over. I need to start healing and hopefully find peace and happiness.

Well ,you just got hosed when you dismissed your lawyer . That is what he wanted you to do . You need a bigger support circle than your sons and his mom and sister. You need a life . Time to go out there and make friends and get something to do .

Well ,you just got hosed when you dismissed your lawyer . That is what he wanted you to do . You need a bigger support circle than your sons and his mom and sister. You need a life . Time to go out there and make friends and get something to do .

I know that. After all, he is a controlling person. That is just a fact. I am too beaten down to argue. Like I said to Wiseman2, I need for this to be over so I can move on. I don't want it hanging over my head. I am quite sure that I will be OK without the monthly maintenance fee. I plan to make new friends but not just yet. I am too distraught right now. I need a little more time to function as a normal human being.

You really need a therapist and someone beside your sons to help you. Your legal mistakes are making it "messy". It's already very messy and not following appropriate legal advice will make it messier and messier. It's unrealistic to think divorce will be easy emotionally financially or on any other level, including the dynamic change in relationships with kids..

So will dragging your sons into being your surrogate husband because you "haven't paid bills in 30 years", it's unfair to them and lazy on your part. So of course they are starting to resent you and starting to see their father's perspective a bit more. You are steering them there.

I did agree to not contest the agreement I was compelled to dismiss my lawyer because it would have turned messy. Today, I am going to sign the divorce papers and be done with it.