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Thread: Why is he bashing me like this?

  1. #1
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    Why is he bashing me like this?

    Hi everybody. Here I am again. As some of you may know, I am in the middle of a divorce after nearly 29 years. My son has been helping his father to make the house realtor ready for selling it so they talk. Today, my son was helping me figure out a Retirement Spending Worksheet. While doing this, he mentioned that my soon-to-be-ex told him that I treated him like an ATM machine. I cannot describe how hurt and shocked I was to be accused of such a thing. I have never been extravagant in any way. In fact, quite the opposite because I never took the fact that he makes a really good living for granted. I was, IMO, always careful not to indulge in conspicuous consumption. Yes, I treated myself at times, but never in an excessive manner. I am trying my best to cope with the divorce (which I didn't want) but this put me over the edge. I am so very upset and insulted to be so wrongly accused. And the worse part is that he he brainwashing my son with this false info. I am the first one to admit if I am wrong but I never ever regarded him as an ATM! I had the utmost respect for him despite all his flaws. And my son seems to be on his side which hurts me deeply because it's not true at all!!! How could be say such a thing? And, how could my son possibly believe him? How should I handle this?

  2. #2
    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    Because he is a jerk. Just be loving to your son . Donít make comments about your ex-husband to your son at all. Your son will figure him out soon enough .

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    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    What exactly happened that causes you to believe that your son is being influenced and is critical of you?

    It's very likely your soon to be ex will say bad things about you to relieve his own guilt.
    You take the high road, don't react and know that your son is watching how the two of handle your own ends.

    You can't let what he says effect you this way.
    It is a choice.

    Look. . if he was great guy you'd still be married to him.
    Not to minimize your feelings but the comment is insignificant in the scheme of things.
    You get to choose how much impact or value it has. It is a choice.
    I'd shrug it off and ignore it.
    Your truth is all that matters. Believe in yourself first. The rest is all noise.

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    Originally Posted by ~Seraphim ~
    Because he is a jerk. Just be loving to your son . Donít make comments about your ex-husband to your son at all. Your son will figure him out soon enough .
    I sincerely hope my son does. It's just not right for him to discredit me like this. Yes, I agree , he is a jerk.

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    Originally Posted by reinventmyself
    What exactly happened that causes you to believe that your son is being influenced and is critical of you?

    It's very likely your soon to be ex will say bad things about you to relieve his own guilt.
    You take the high road, don't react and know that your son is watching how the two of handle your own ends.

    You can't let what he says effect you this way.
    It is a choice.

    Look. . if he was great guy you'd still be married to him.
    Not to minimize your feelings but the comment is insignificant in the scheme of things.
    You get to choose how much impact or value it has. It is a choice.
    I'd shrug it off and ignore it.
    Your truth is all that matters. Believe in yourself first. The rest is all noise.
    Because I told my son that my lawyer informed me that I am entitled to a monthly "maintenance fee" (based on the number of years that we were married and his salary). My STBX is being very fair and honest because we are splitting all assets in half but when I told my son about the maintenance fee he said that I was being greedy. And that I wanted to squeeze more money out of him. That certainly was not my intention. That's when he said that I treated his father like an ATM. How dare he (my STBX) say that? What a horrible lie and what an awful thing to say about me.

    It's just that I get the impression that my son believes him (and seems to agree with him) when he tells him things that are not true i.e. that I was not affectionate and who knows what else. You are right: if he was a great guy I'd still be married to him. I took off my rose-coloured glasses recently and now I realise how verbally and emotionally abusive he was, how controlling (his way or the highway) and how very chauvinistic. I spoke to his mother, his sister, my brother and his wife and a few friends about the divorce and they all said that he is a very difficult person to live with. I knew that but still loved him unconditionally. I am not trying to make myself look good but I completely agree with them. He is VERY difficult to deal with him. Live and learn, I guess. Thank you for your sound feedback, reinventmyself. You make so much sense.

  7. #6
    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    I think you need to dispose yourself of the fact that he is ď very honest and fair.Ē He isnít .

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    I would stop talking to his family about him. Whether you think so or not, they are most likely passing whatever you say along to him.

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    Donít discuss the details of your divorce with your kids . There is nothing worse for kids even adult kids . I lived through 3 divorces. Twice as a kid and once as an adult. As an adult both my parents use me as their sounding board and my brother too. All it did was mess us up. Any counsellor or psychologist ,anybody to do with mental health would tell you never involve your kids even as adults .

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    Originally Posted by ~Seraphim ~
    Donít discuss the details of your divorce with your kids . There is nothing worse for kids even adult kids . I lived through 3 divorces. Twice as a kid and once as an adult. As an adult both my parents use me as their sounding board and my brother too. All it did was mess us up. Any counsellor or psychologist ,anybody to do with mental health would tell you never involve your kids even as adults .
    Exactly right. Your Son does not need to be involved with any of this!

  11. #10
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    Originally Posted by ~Seraphim ~
    I think you need to dispose yourself of the fact that he is ď very honest and fair.Ē He isnít .
    Yes, I am seeing that now.

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