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Ok, so I recently posted something about my current situation. To summarise, I've been dating my partner for 2 years, it's a long distance relationship but one that so far was working really well and I could (and can still) imagine a future with her. Recently I met a girl in a bar, we talked and spent the night dancing. I felt guilty about it because I felt really attracted to her and it made me ask myself lots of questions about my current relationship and whether I'm ready for commitment (I'm only turning 23), even though we didn't kiss or anything (we were just "tight"). Also, by the way, we weren't drunk.

 

Now here's the thing. I can't stop thinking about that girl. Some people suggested it was merely sexual attraction because I mostly mentioned dancing together promiscuously. But no. It's not, I know it, and I want to ask you for some advice about this. When we left each other, I refused to give her my details because of my commitment to my current partner, but then I sorely regretted it and I keep thinking about seeing her again.

How do I know it's not just sexual lust? Because when I think about her, I don't think about sex. As simple as that. I'm just constantly day-dreaming about continuing the conversation we had started. The idea of never seeing her again makes me absurdly sad. I'm DYING to talk to her again. I MISS her. I feel like I want to know everything about her. I keep trying to convince myself it's a terrible idea but this desire keeps coming back.

 

Now here's my question... Do you think it's ok for me to just talk to her over a coffee even though I'm currently in a relationship or is that basically cheating? I think I still love my partner and right now I can't see myself breaking up with her but at the same time my curiosity for that other girl and my desire to have a conversation with her is so strong it makes me restless... what do I do?

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It seems you want your cake and eat it too. Why can't you see this as a clear indication that you are not ready to settle down and the long distance is wreaking havoc with your hormones.

 

You know you're going to meet her and try to eventually have sex with her. so this sounds more like a rhetorical question to assuage any guilt you have. Why string the hometown "good girl" along?

The idea of never seeing her again makes me absurdly sad. I'm DYING to talk to her again. I MISS her. Do you think it's ok for me to just talk to her over a coffee even though I'm currently in a relationship or is that basically cheating? I think I still love my partner and right now
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No, it's not okay to meet her. You know that.

 

You indicated in your last thread that you also deliberately avoided telling this other girl that are not single. If your desire is so strong that you are considering playing with fire like this, I would strongly caution you to think long and hard about whether it's time to end your relationship.

 

I don't fault you for being curious about others, as you are still quite young, but don't start exploring those options while you are another girl's boyfriend. It's not right. Don't be That Guy.

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I am really tired of people knowing that they will be cheating but going ahead and acting innocent and asking the question. Yes, taking her out to test the waters would be cheating -- and it is really a low-life move because you are keeping your girlfriend around just in case this new thing doesn't work out. You are clearly over your girlfriend and all obsessed with this new chick -- that is fine. Break up with your girlfriend then pursue this new girl. Don't be a slimebag.

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One girlfriend at a time. You will be tempting fate and sending mixed signals if you go after this girl while being in a relationship. It wouldn't take much for you two to wind up in bed together. Don't start a relationship with a new girl while you have a girlfriend. It's just an infatuation. Try to control yourself.

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Maybe you should break up with your current partner. I don't think you're really in love with her..

 

I am in a LDR and if my fiancé was acting like you do, I would be already gone. What you want to do is cheating. Think twice before hurting someone.

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You would knowingly be cheating if you further interact with this other girl.

 

Start putting your energy into your girlfriend or she will start feeling like an option to you instead of a priority, then there goes your happy, trusting relationship. She doesn't deserve that.

 

Seriously, stop obsessing right now or you will ruin what you have.

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Maybe you should break up with your current partner. I don't think you're really in love with her..

 

I am in a LDR and if my fiancé was acting like you do, I would be already gone. What you want to do is cheating. Think twice before hurting someone.

 

Acting like I do?

I'm confused and asking for advice on a forum, how is that acting?

All I've done so far is danced with another girl, and I told my partner about it.

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Acting like I do?

I'm confused and asking for advice on a forum, how is that acting?

All I've done so far is danced with another girl, and I told my partner about it.

 

And continued to obsess over her, try to come up with ways to see her again. You didn't just dance, you've made it perfectly clear that you believe you connected with her on a deeper level, which was inappropriate. And now you continue to push the issue in wanting to see her again.

 

Try to play innocent all you want. You are not being faithful and you're not being a decent boyfriend at all.

 

How would you feel if your girlfriend were putting this much thought into another guy? A good guy, that wouldn't do her wrong?

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And continued to obsess over her, try to come up with ways to see her again. You didn't just dance, you've made it perfectly clear that you believe you connected with her on a deeper level, which was inappropriate. And now you continue to push the issue in wanting to see her again.

 

Try to play innocent all you want. You are not being faithful and you're not being a decent boyfriend at all.

 

How would you feel if your girlfriend were putting this much thought into another guy? A good guy, that wouldn't do her wrong?

 

I'm obviously not in control of what I feel for other people. I would never blame my girlfriend for thinking about someone else, or even obsessing over someone else, since it's not anyone's fault. I'd be sad about it perhaps, but wouldn't think she's doing something wrong.

Same for connecting with someone on a deeper level... how am I responsible for that? It just clicked with that girl after a casual conversation. I didn't decide I wanted to connect with her.

I'm also not playing innocent at all, which is precisely the reason why I told my girlfriend what happened and we've been discussing the status of our relationship.

I'm just trying to come to terms with my emotions and seeing that girl in itself may be a bad idea but it is not clear to me whether this is cheating in itself from the moment I do not clearly intend to try to seduce her but just want to talk to her and be in a better position to assess my feelings.

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Excellent. Then talk about an open relationship so you can ditch the LDR headaches and both explore uncontrollable feelings. 🥂

I would never blame my girlfriend for thinking about someone else, or even obsessing over someone else, since it's not anyone's fault.
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You are only 23 and already restless with your relationship. I think it's time to gracefully end that relationship before pursuing this woman. Just know the grass isn't always greener. It's easy to fantasize about someone when you don't really know them and compare them to a woman who you've seen in a variety of real life, less-than-romantic situations.

 

That being said, I have somewhat of an unconventional belief system so I do feel that two people can meet at first sight and have intense feelings/an intense connection with each other that supersedes the situation at hand. Given your age, I feel like you are bound to come across these temptations again and it might just be best to let your current girl go and explore what else is out there. Your girlfriend deserves more than "I think I love her" after 2 years.

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I'm obviously not in control of what I feel for other people. I would never blame my girlfriend for thinking about someone else, or even obsessing over someone else, since it's not anyone's fault. I'd be sad about it perhaps, but wouldn't think she's doing something wrong.

Same for connecting with someone on a deeper level... how am I responsible for that? It just clicked with that girl after a casual conversation. I didn't decide I wanted to connect with her.

I'm also not playing innocent at all, which is precisely the reason why I told my girlfriend what happened and we've been discussing the status of our relationship.

I'm just trying to come to terms with my emotions and seeing that girl in itself may be a bad idea but it is not clear to me whether this is cheating in itself from the moment I do not clearly intend to try to seduce her but just want to talk to her and be in a better position to assess my feelings.

 

Tell your girlfriend you want to meet with this other girl. Ask her if she would consider that cheating. Really, your girlfriend's definition of cheating is what matters here. Not ours.

 

You know this is inappropriate. Thinking about another girl is not wrong - but hiding your relationship status from her to give the impression that you're single and coming up with a plan to meet her is. When you are in a relationship, common sense and respect for your partner would suggest that you don't go and talk to another girl to assess your feelings. When you're trying to rationalize doing so, you know your relationship is likely coming to its end.

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You can control how you feel, and until you figure that out, you're not ready for a serious relationship. If people couldn't control how they felt, then no one would ever stay married.

 

You are accountable for yourself and your thoughts. You will have moments of attraction toward others but then you let it pass. You're CHOOSING to put further effort and energy into it. That is your choice. So you are choosing not to be committed to your girlfriend. You're choosing to explore this other option.

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I'm obviously not in control of what I feel for other people. I would never blame my girlfriend for thinking about someone else, or even obsessing over someone else, since it's not anyone's fault. I'd be sad about it perhaps, but wouldn't think she's doing something wrong.

Same for connecting with someone on a deeper level... how am I responsible for that? It just clicked with that girl after a casual conversation. I didn't decide I wanted to connect with her.

I'm also not playing innocent at all, which is precisely the reason why I told my girlfriend what happened and we've been discussing the status of our relationship.

I'm just trying to come to terms with my emotions and seeing that girl in itself may be a bad idea but it is not clear to me whether this is cheating in itself from the moment I do not clearly intend to try to seduce her but just want to talk to her and be in a better position to assess my feelings.

 

Bullcrap. Every instance presents a choice, and you can choose to see where something goes or walk away at any moment. While you were clicking with this other girl, you could have talked about your girlfriend and how much you like her, the great thing you have going, and it would have shut the whole thing down right away. If you are already into this girl, talking to her more is going to make your feelings grow. The best way to assess your feelings is to back off - not to pursue. If you back off for a while, and still feel like you want to pursue, then you have had time and space to rationally come to a conclusion. If you start with pursuing, you are making your choice at that point.

 

Pulling a difficult u-turn is not as bad as driving past 3 "road closed" signs and then going off a cliff.

 

Most affairs begin with these kind of wishy washy "well I have to see how I feel" things. If people were more aware of their own behaviors and drivers, they wouldn't get themselves into these kinds of situations so often. Be mindful. Humans are supposed to have evolved to the point where they can act opposed to their base lizard brain emotions.

 

I don't personally care what you do - just understand the decisions you are making and why. And if you really are into pursuing the new girl, and your girlfriend is not into the open thing, you are going to have to be a man and say goodbye.

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Basically you want to meet this other girl and see if you can trade up from your current gf.

 

If you want to do this right then leave ALL outside forces, desires and dreams out of it and decide if you want to stay in your current relationship. Don't make it a choice between 2 women, make it what is best for both you and your gf.

 

If you decide to end the relationship for the right reasons then spend some time alone deciding if you should be in a relationship at all at this point in your life. Then follow that path.

 

Swinging from one girl to the next is not the right way to go about this.

 

I am sure your gf is hit on all the time and she has managed not to grind on any guys on the dance floor while apart from you. What you did should give you some food for thought...

 

Lost

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Dude, it's obvious to everyone that you want to meet with this new girl to see if the spark you're imagining is real. The only way to continue a relationship with the girl you just met without crossing moral boundaries would be to end your current relationship first.

 

As someone who has experienced firsthand what it's like when a long-term partner grooms your replacement while they are still half-heartedly with you, please don't continue down your current path. None of your thought process would be happening if you really loved and cared about your current partner. Let her go, so she doesn't have to deal with the even worse pain you're about to inflict upon her.

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I think I still love my partner and right now I can't see myself breaking up with her but at the same time my curiosity for that other girl and my desire to have a conversation with her is so strong it makes me restless... what do I do?

 

Key word here is “think”. You either love her or you don’t.

 

In my opinion when you have to think about it, you don’t.

 

You’re young there’s no shame in exploring other options just don’t string your girlfriend along for it.

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Hey williamlook,

 

As I was reading your post, it made me think about the difference between a LDR and dating locally. It is so much easier to forge a connection with someone when you can hang out regularly face to face. I think that the dilution of your LDR and the compelling nature of this new girl is due to the fact that LDRs are hard to maintain and often not all that successful.

 

The fact that you are kind of obsessing about a girl you spent time with locally makes me think that you should end the LDR, because it is not a great way to be in a relationship.

 

Cheers,

Chai :-)

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