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Thread: Getting in my own head

  1. #1
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    Getting in my own head

    So I am very excited. I matched with this new guy on bumble. We go to the same school, but have never met.

    We hit it off talking for a few days. He was very friendly, open, and enthusiastic. He made comments to me about how refreshing it was to meet someone who likes to talk and get to know someone. I agreed and said how I liked that he put effort into it too.

    He asked me deep questions and light ones like my favorite color. Really seemed into getting to know me and was extra pleased with my answers.

    He then mentions how he will have to come see me at school. I work as a student on one of the offices. He comes to see me on Monday and takes me out for lunch. He's cute, smart, and all around my type. We hit it off. He opens doors for me. The car over and over. He pays. He was a gentleman. Literally thought this guy was my dream guy. He compliments me, but not in a sexual way.
    In a nice way.

    He mentions he is a Mormon. And adheres to some of the rules and teachings but not all. On the way home however, he brings up something weird, and it shocked me.

    He was in good shape. Extremely good shape. I'm a bit curvy, but not huge. But I have some meat on me. He called me cute amd stuff and didn't seem to mind my look.

    I'm super self conscious about men being turned off by me, because I've never been super thin in my life. My worst fear is a guy leaving me for the bit of fat.

    So he brings up his family. His older sister has three children. He tells me how his mother is really overweight and heavy. I picture 600 pounds, but he says she is 250. He says things like he thinks it is gross and ge is distgusted by her eating habits and how his older sister is the same and it stems from their mother and she is going to pass it to her kids and how terrible that was. He saya things almost like how fat people are lesser people or not good people and that they should work out and there is no excuse for it and they need to have self control.

    I sat there shocked. He was talking like he was disgusted by his own mother. I mention to him how hos his sister birthed three babies and it does a lot to your body. He says he doesn't know about thst stuff and whst it does. He says how his sister was hot in high school, but now she is fat.

    He mentions things about how he could never be with someone who was fat and he would support them in their weight loss journey but could never date them or go long term if they had bad eating habits.

    I was truly floored. My father is obese. He isn't less of a person. He is an amazing man. Peope love my dad.

    I then almost wanted to cry. He sounded so ignorant and this was my worsr fear.

    He again though seemed like he liked what I looked like so I was confused. When we went out to eat too, he ordered like two meals and I picked at my one. Talk about fat. He ate soooo much.

    Everything was perfect about him except that. It was shocking.

    I brushed it off. He was venting about his family. If he doesn't like me wholeheartedly, he isn't the one for me.

    But then things got weirder. We continued talking throughout the day. A bit of flirting. He was really sweet. We kept talking about going on adventures and travelling,. I've talked to guys about this early on, but figure we won't travel together for months and months until we are more serious. Thats normal.

    This guy isn't pushy or too sexual. He tells me he isn't after that.

    But then asks me if I want to go away on a short road trip in a two weeks. Jaw drops. At first I go along with it. It'll be fun. But then I think about it and tell my friends and mom and they think I am crazy. He's a stranger. He acts as if this is no big deal and he's done this before.

    He then makes these weird comments about me being his "friend"

    "Will you be my friend? 😉"

    I ask him what kind of friend he is looking for. He ssys someone to travel with and maybe more down the road.

    What the heck does that mean?

    I inquire more and he says he hopes he didn't give me the wrong impression with anythjng he said. And he is looking for more.

    I then honestly tell him how maybe we csn see how things go and hold off a while on the weekend away. Just so I know he isnt some crazed killer.

    He says he totally understands and he would want me to be fully comfortable going with him.

    A few minutes later after some more texting he then inquires about a later date asking if duch and such date is okay. He only pushed it back a month, two weeks from the date I said no to.

    I thought this was so weird. I again ask that we see how things go.

    Be then says how he will be playing the patient game.

    Weird response.

    But then we go back to chatting and he seems fine. He wants to cook me dinner. We have plans for that on Friday night.

    He mentions how I should come visit him again at school on my break. I do today. We chat the whole time and he seems into me a lot.

    He texted me after saying he was so happy I stopped by and that I looked exceptionally beautiful today.

    I did look extra good. I tried real hard. I had on a tighter outfit too. He had to have sen some of my bit of weight. Still didn't scare him off.

    We are texting tonight and he mentions friday. Still deciding if his place or mine. He mentions how he doesnt mind his, but there will be many others there. He has roommates and they have girlfriends.

    I mention his birthday. He says he doesnt want to celebrate really. He says we will celebrate on mine like crazy to make up for it. I remind him my bitthday is in March. He then says something about how we'll see how long this goes and if untol then, then we will do something big. Kind of weird. One minute you want a weekend away, the next you don't know if it'll go to march.

    He sometimes asks me interesting questions. I think they have to do with being mormon. Because he seems very pleased with my answers. Like overly relieved. He asked if I had any tattoos. I say no. He adks if my parents were still together. I say yes. He's over the moon at this. He asks if I believe in god. I mean he met the right woman. I'm kind of a goody two shoes.

    I find myself censoring a bit. I'm trying to pace things, but in the process feel like I am not my true fun self. I'm holding back. Paranoid. I'm in my head not sure how he feels. If he'll up and run away at my weight. If he is looking for a friend or girlfriend.

    He also talks a lot. A huge amount. He told me he was forward. He is.

    He openly shares hos opinion. This intimidates me, so I feel more passive and shy. When with others, I am not. I just want to be me. He thinks I am cute and smart so far as he seems impressed with me. I guess my worst fear besides me turning someone off with my weight, is someone getting bored of me.

    I'm in my head already. He's very attractive and opinionated and it scares me to be my open self.

  2. #2
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    When you say you two "talk", do you really mean text?

    You write a lot about how you're basically worried he won't like you and whether he might bothered by your weight.

    The questions you REALLY should be asking are if YOU like HIM.

    This seems to be a theme with you...overly worried about whether or not these guys like you instead of deciding if you like them.

  3. #3
    Bronze Member DissyLu's Avatar
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    He's building up a fantasy about you and soon that fantasy will crash and burn once he gets enough of you

    Probably after sex he'll bail

    Him inviting you to a vacation or road trip (whatever it was) after one date is a red flag. It means it's not you who he finds special, it's having someone, anyone for him to use and maybe grow tired of. Don't feel flattered or special. You're neither to him. You're a warm body in his bed, across the dinner table, in the passenger seat of his car.

    The whole fat comments he makes were disturbing considering you said you have a few extra pounds on you...what was he thinking??? I think he'd 'put up with that' for a short while, then he'd take off leaving you heartbroken.

    He doesn't sound right in the head. He's taking things way too fast and berating overweight people (including his own mom!) in front of his date who also has a few extra pounds on her. That's nuts.

    You're best bet is to realize there are MANY fish in the sea and to not get tangled up with one who will most likely hurt you down the line. I strongly recommend you walk away from him (today) and find someone who is happy to accept you for who you are. If you do not heed my advice, you'll wish you had.

    I wish you the very best of luck. You deserve better than this

  4. #4
    Bronze Member DissyLu's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by boltnrun
    When you say you two "talk", do you really mean text?

    You write a lot about how you're basically worried he won't like you and whether he might bothered by your weight.

    The questions you REALLY should be asking are if YOU like HIM.

    This seems to be a theme with you...overly worried about whether or not these guys like you instead of deciding if you like them.
    Very true bolt

    OP, he seems like a douche. Yuck. What is there to like about him. Just because he's 'attractive' doesn't mean he's a catch

    I'd be unbelievably turned off by him and end things right then and there

    Just because someone likes you doesn't mean you need to like them back, especially when they behave like this guy does

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  6. #5
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    Wow. You must tell him now that you've decided to move on. What you are reporting has overtones of emotional abuse and (believe it or not) mind control. I suspect he's using techniques on you he might have learned during his two years of Mormon missionary work. It's also similar to the techniques abusers use.

    Tell me if he was following these 4 basic tenets:

    "...(he) assesses your weaknesses and strengths, looking for insecurities, needs and the things you value. His actions and his words will then convey four important messages to you.

    1. I like who you are
    2. I am just like you
    3. Your secrets are safe with me
    4. I am the perfect friend, partner, companion, loverů for you!"

    [Register to see the link]

    It sounds like he hit all four mind control techniques with you. He's trying to control and dominate you. He's rolling over you with his constant talking and already is getting you to back down and not give your own opinions. Asking you if you will be his friend is something that cults use to recruit people. He is getting you to believe that you are his friend and is reinforcing it. He's trying to drag you to an end-game, whether it's getting you into bed or trying to convert you to Mormonism, or something more.

    I have nothing against Mormons. All of the Mormons I've met are wonderful people. Our former governor Mitt Romney is a Mormon. I've been to Temple Square in Salt Lake City. I have a Mormon Bible and have read parts of it. But I think this particular guy is using some of their techniques for whatever he has in mind. Get away from him. Make sure you're not alone with him.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member melancholy123's Avatar
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    This guy is whacked, you would be smart to stop seeing him and talking to him NOW. I agree he's grooming you for something, whether it's to get you in bed or get you into his church. He's too bizarre and he's got you afraid to say the things you are thinking. That's a big red flag.

    There's lots of guys in this world you dont need people like him who are off balance. The insulting comments about his mother and sister are outrageous. You seem to think you have a few too many pounds, and maybe you do, maybe it's all in your head, but he is not seeing them, or if he is, it's all part of his "plan" with you, whatever that may be.

    Wake up, smell the coffee, tell him you are moving on.

  8. #7
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    OP, you don't sound as though you really like him that much.

    You're stressing about whether he will look beyond your extra pounds and like you, but you don't say many positive things about him. To be honest, much of what you have said about him would put me right off too. He's too much, too soon.

    Your gut is talking to you.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member Jibralta's Avatar
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    I agree with others that he does seem to be grooming you. He may not be a psychopath or a cult leader, but it does seem to indicate that he's self centered and self interested. Not good traits in a partner. I would keep him at arm's length for a long time before seriously considering a relationship with him. You are afraid of scaring him off, but that's exactly what you should risk doing. See how long he sticks around when you speak your mind or eat a full meal. See what he's really made of.

  10. #9
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    OP,

    Ugh..sorry, no. No no and no. That's all I have to say. I'll refrain from voicing my opinion re: Mormons. I'll just say this bloke sounds awful and I'd just tell him to get lost and find someone else to impose his religious 'values' onto.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    I don't think we need to go down the wild assumption path (grooming for a cult! mind games! Mormon black magic!) to get to the root of things here.

    YOU are not super into this guy. You WANT to be, because, hey, who doesn't want to be into someone? You like that he's cute and is paying attention to you, and you're editing out all the rest. But all the rest, really, is all there is: a cute weirdo who is giving you weird vibes. One bumble date and a volley of texts should not inspire a novella of anxiety and analysis. This post alone is a sign that this just isn't worth your time or emotional energy.

    Cut him loose, start swiping again. There's another dude around the corner who you'll just like hanging out with, without this heady spin.

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