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Thread: Getting in my own head

  1. #21
    Platinum Member Jibralta's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by amkxoxo39
    I want to shut down some of the comments about him trying to convert me.
    Don't get hung up on the conversion detail. The point is, he's pushy and critical, and you are talking yourself into liking him against your better judgment.

  2. #22
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    Originally Posted by Jibralta
    Don't get hung up on the conversion detail. The point is, he's pushy and critical, and you are talking yourself into liking him against your better judgment.
    This. I can't see that pursuing this is a good idea, OP, regardless of the religious element.

  3. #23
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by amkxoxo39

    I don't know that much about Mormons so maybe having a girlfriend to them is like on the marriage track?
    I can only speak from my personal experience and my high school sweetheart is very much like this guy. He was/is Mormon, though not practicing at the time. Mostly due to some teenage rebellion.. But nevertheless, we didn't have sex. At least not intercourse and even having spoken to him recently after not having any communication with him for 20plus years, he tried every which way to groom me and put me on some sort of marriage fast track, as you just termed it.

    Right out of the gate, when I'm trying to catch up and be his friend(mind you, we are basically strangers at this point) he's busy trying to figure out how we can combine our lives and get married. I think it may have something partly to do with abstaining sexually, which is part of the Mormon religion. It creates some sort of guarantee that he'll have you and you'll save yourself for him.

    The comments about the weight sounds very much like grooming, as someone else put it. He's letting you know that he finds you fitting but the weight will be some thing you will be expected to change because he's intolerant of it, after all.

    Add in that the culture of some religions place a high regard on influencing others. It would interesting to find out exactly what part of the religion he adheres to and what parts he does not. It's a very fair question.

    Sorry. . this just was too similar to my experience.

    All in all, if this or anything else makes you feel uncomfortable you need to really listen to what that is telling you.

    . . .on a side note, I no longer speak to the high school sweetheart. I find him very cunning and manipulative.
    Last edited by reinventmyself; 08-08-2018 at 06:24 PM.

  4. #24
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    OP,

    How much are you paraphrasing what he said. Did he actually say that fat people are less-thans? Or are you interpreting that from his words that "people who are overweight need to work hard, there's no excuse" from a conversation you started?

    I'm not sure we're getting the full story on that, because you're so insecure about it and may be misreading/paraphrasing his words.

    However, it does sound like he wants to sleep with you. That could be taken as a compliment. However, you could always wait until you get into an exclusive relationship before doing anything sexually. You also don't need to go on the trip with him yet. All this is your choice.

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  6. #25
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    Thank you for sharing this. It is interesting. I feel myself trying to figure him out. I know he drinks alcohol. He says he doesn't really go to church.

    I keep trying to figure out if he has had sex, is waiting, etc... he mentioned somethjng about how if we lived together and something about cuddling etc...

    So this made me think he wasn't so strict on the sex thing.

    Thats my worsr fear. He will want me to lose weight and be more perfect.

    But he's told me a few times already that he thinks I am cute, beautiful, perfect etc...

    This guy doesn't seem in a rush to be married. He said he really wants to travel etc.. before all of that.

  7. #26
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    As fir the weight comments. I did take it hard as someone who struggles with weight and eating.

    But, he did say specifically something about them being not good people or lesser people. It wasn't just my perception.

    He did make it clear that overweight people do need to work hard and no excuses. But he even went as far as to say that medical excusee weren't and it was all crap.

  8. #27
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    I would straight up ask him about his views on such things and begin there to see if you two are even compatible.

    Irregardless of his religious views, he does seem to be trying to fast track you some. Be wary.

    And I have to ask how much weight are we talking about? I can't seem to help thinking that because this is a sensitive issue for you, you may have honed into his comments and taking them personally. Normal/average weight has a vast range. Is it possible you might just be oversensitive to this?

  9. #28
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    I didn't read all the comments. What struck me was that you were at all surprised to find out this soon that there are things about him that are not compatible with you or your values/mindset, life, etc. You portrayed this as if somehow typing and talking to a stranger even about "deep" stuff has any relevance to whether you will get along in person for purposes of dating, much less for purposes of an actual relationship. You get 100 steps ahead of yourself making these wild assumptions about strangers and typing/talking way way too much prior to meeting.

    Yes, what he said was rude ,offensive, weird. And yes if you had met him ASAP instead of all this texting -for 45 minutes at a coffee place during the day - you would have figured all this out within the first 15 minutes of meeting him. Sure, maybe in the first two emails you wouldn't have learned the red flags but think about it- you were basically over the moon for a stranger based on typing and talking so of course when you choose to get all invested like that then not only are you even more disappointed by the red flags but since you made that choice, again, to get so invested prior to meeting, then you start all this nonsensical second guessing about whether you want to hang out with -go on a road trip with - a guy who would be so obnoxious about people who are overweight and say all those other off the wall things - if you hadn't chosen to get so attached before meeting you would have laughed it off as a quick coffee meeting with someone who clearly had issues. It's a waste of your time and stomach acid and head space to get this invested before meeting. There are strange people everywhere - figure out how to move on quickly -sometimes you will be able to tell from the first emails and sometimes not but at least it will be over in one quick meet.

    I once spoke to someone through a dating site and the conversation was decent. We lived near each other so we decided to meet that night at a local starbucks. As soon as I met him I observed that he was cute and that we had nothing in common -in person he was barely articulate and just didn't seem that bright. 20 minutes later we ended the first meet. By the time I walked home I'd moved on. And was ready to meet other people another time.

  10. #29
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    You didn't answer why you are so intent on getting guys to like you instead of deciding if YOU like THEM.

    And you did write in your very first sentence that you are "very excited". What about this guy excites you enough to forget the negative comments he made? Do you think you've finally found a boyfriend?

  11. #30
    Platinum Member figureitout23's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Pleasedonot5
    OP,

    How much are you paraphrasing what he said. Did he actually say that fat people are less-thans? Or are you interpreting that from his words that "people who are overweight need to work hard, there's no excuse" from a conversation you started?

    I'm not sure we're getting the full story on that, because you're so insecure about it and may be misreading/paraphrasing his words.

    However, it does sound like he wants to sleep with you. That could be taken as a compliment. However, you could always wait until you get into an exclusive relationship before doing anything sexually. You also don't need to go on the trip with him yet. All this is your choice.
    I was wondering the same thing.


    Originally Posted by amkxoxo39
    As fir the weight comments. I did take it hard as someone who struggles with weight and eating.

    But, he did say specifically something about them being not good people or lesser people. It wasn't just my perception.

    He did make it clear that overweight people do need to work hard and no excuses. But he even went as far as to say that medical excusee weren't and it was all crap.
    Can you remember exactly what was said?

    Interpretation is everything.

    Dont get me wrong, Im not saying hes innocent here, Im just not ready to place him in the grooming psychopath category.

    If someone makes a comment about race, I may take offense to it, whereas a non minority may not even notice. If someone made a comment about weight, I probably wouldnt take offense to it.

    Again, its all about interpretation. Unless it was just blatantly wrong.

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