Jump to content

I dont know what to do anymore


Recommended Posts

My husband is an alcoholic. According to his family its been so for a long time. He has on many occasions promised to stop and has stopped briefly but it never lasts. Goes off for hours lying about where he is, hiding drinking, etc He can see no issue with his actions and I am worried he is gaslighting me by normalising his behaviour and making me out to be at fault. He had a long term younger female 'friend' . former employee, who he used to go out drinking with and a gay friend the same age. The female friend nonsense came to a head a few times he could not see her behaviour even though everyone else could. She was obsessed with him and It got to the point I couldnt leave the house or she would be there alone with him. The male friend I didnt see coming as i never saw him as a threat. A few months ago, before he was to emigrate he insisted we went out for dinner and drinks. he assured me he hadnt brought drink to the house. He waited for me to go to bed and then brought a load of drink in. I woke up the next morning to hear them outside at 5am - I went down and caught by husband performing a sex act on the friend. Whats worse is he isnt even gay - he did it for money and tried to justify it to me by saying we needed the money. he got more and more drunk, tried to leave 'for my own good' despite being a danger to himself. He swore when he sobered up he would change and went to a doctor but refused to go to a counseller or psychiatrist (which I think he needs as he has major issues!). he half remembered what he did and was physically sick. Ive never seen anyone in my life as drunk as he was it was terrifying.

 

Next it was from im never going to drink to oh we will go away once a month and I will just drink then. he was ill and hadnt drank in weeks but I left the house for one day, just one to help his family as he was too ill to and he had been drinking. Worse, he was drinking with younger female employees and when his father stopped him from going out with them he let one illegally drive his car to get himself drink. I came home and just cried myself to sleep. I didnt even bother mentioning it until this evening when I wanted to go to dinner, and he announced 'great im dying for a drink'. I told him how can he just say that and he says fine we wont go. he refuses to talk about it, cannot see he has done anything wrong, cant understand why I feel depressed, humiliated and really low. I tried to get him to talk about it and was told I was 'shouting at him (I wasnt) and twisting the knife and a 'nasty little thing'. he makes me feel like a loser telling me to go off with friends - I have sadly lost most friends as I can never talk about anything and also as I hate going anywhere as if I leave as soon as he can he will be drinking - where ever with whoever.

 

I dont know what to do anymore - this was the first time I brought it up in a long time and as usual he doesnt care, doesnt get emotional and walks away from me or goes to bed in silence. He acts like im a hysterical woman making a issue out of nothing and being his jailer. I on the other hand am a wreck. I have to go to an event with an employee (family business) tomorrow and I cant pull out without it looking odd but I just dont want to do I am exhausted all the time pretending things are ok. No one aside from his family know what he is like. The business is his families but it means clients onsite at all times and i am so so tired of putting on a fake smile and a brave face. My mum doesnt know any of this neither do my one or two remaining friends as im too humiliated to talk about it. I feel like the biggest loser in the world and it hurts so much, All i have done is love him so I dont understand what I have done to deserve this

Link to comment

It is not about deserving or anything you did. This is a disease an addiction. He is endangering your physical and mental health. If he is performing sex acts for drinking money he is so far down that rabbit hole you can’t help.

 

I would get a support network and leave and get tested for STDs .

 

I am sorry.

Link to comment

I think you have to tell him it's AA or you're out of there. But you know he can't stay sober for long, so you should start gathering your money and possessions and prepare to get out of there. He's just pulling you down with him. He's both an alcoholic and an abuser. What you're feeling is emotional abuse. If you Google "emotional abuse" and "emotional dependency" you'll see both him and you described. You've got to get out of there or you won't survive.

Link to comment

Try Al-Anon. You will find others there who are dealing with the alcoholism of a loved one. You will be able to take a breath there from the hiding it, and find strength to build yourself up to a place where you either decide to accept the situation as is - or leave. There are tons of meetings including online and by phone.

Link to comment

Make two appointments. Privately and confidentially. One with a therapist for yourself and the other with an attorney to discuss your options for divorce. In the meantime, check out completely emotionally, physically and mentally. You have to stop trying to fix him and talking about what "you deserve".

 

You can't reason with a pickled brain. You may as well just talk to a bottle of booze on the shelf and expect the same results. Something is in this for you perhaps being the victim, martyr or controller. These types often find themselves with addicts. When you unlock the key to that you'll free yourself from your self inflicted prison.

 

You can drag this out as long as it serves you...complaining about his drinking, how he acts, the arguments, what you deserve and don't deserve and so on...or you can do something about it. However right now it seems your payoff is still complaining what a monster he is and what a long suffering martyr you are.

My husband is an alcoholic.
Link to comment

I'm going to start with this: HIS BEHAVIOR IS NOT AT ALL YOUR FAULT.

 

Having made that clear, you say that hes promised to stop many times and never does. It sounds like this has been going on for a very long time. At some point, you are accountable for yourself. No one is holding you hostage here. You see who he is and yet you stay. If you want a better life, YOU have to take responsibility for yourself and GO! Please dont be embarrassed, you have nothing to be embarrassed about. Your dirtbag husband is the one who should be embarrassed. You deserve better, go find it.

Link to comment

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...