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Conflicting needs/behaviours causing rapid relationship meltdown. Seeking advice


Snaphappyalex

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Let me start off by saying that this is going to be a really long post. I'm going to be as unbiased as I possibly can too as I have been with my partner for 7 years and I simply want things to improve, even if that means learning that I am the problem here. Even if people are unable to help, I feel that writing this may help myself to see things I may not have before.

 

The good in the relationship:

Absolute faith in loyalty on both sides

We share a good few common interests

We talk about the deeper things in life often, we accept each-others opposing views on the majority of things

She has an absolute heart of gold and wouldn't hurt a fly

I do everything I can to make her life as comfortable as possible

 

The bad in the relationship:

Core values falling apart. Appreciation, intimacy, emotional connection and communication. (On both sides)

I knowingly suffer from a bit of a martyrdom complex, always throwing myself under the bus to improve her quality of life if possible

She is stubborn, sarcastic and from my own point of view, rather selfish.

We've been over the same issues, with communication degrading each time as both of our frustrations grow.

 

 

Background:

She's 35, I'm 27, we've both come from abusive relationships and are a childless couple.

Her relationship was purely abuse from his side. Mostly emotional abuse, distortion of truth and general manipulation.

Mine was a little less innocent, we were both abusive towards eachother, physically. I'll halt the thoughts here, not once have I felt the need or resorted to violence with my current partner. quite frankly remembering my past disgusts me.

 

She suffers from crippling social anxiety backed by the fact that most people in her life have betrayed her at some point. Father, brother, close friends, partners. She no longer works and hasn't for 3 and a half years, living solely off my own income.

 

I suffer from the aforementioned martyrdom complex. My last relationship left me striving to be the best man I possibly can, occasionally to my own detriment. I hate the shadow of my former self and wish to distance myself from it as much as possible by giving this woman everything she asks for, to the point where I feel I may have spoiled her and dug my own grave.

 

 

--- So what's going wrong? ---

 

My view:

My biggest issue with the relationship currently is that I am becoming bitter and resentful towards the fact that I do almost everything.

She does not work and is unwilling to whilst spending 3/4 of her day on her gaming PC. She does wash up most days, but she falls behind massively on basic cleaning duties

I manage the finances and do all the shopping myself as she is unwilling to take on the responsibilities.

Sexual intimacy (let's face it, an issue for most couples) is almost an unapproachable issue. Whenever I politely bring up that things have been a while and I'm craving some attention, she usually states that she was 'going to do something tonight for me, but me mentioning it has put her on edge and made her feel like she has to'. As you can imagine, this is fairly hard to deal with as to my ears, while plausible, it sounds like an excuse given the number of times this 'coincidence' has happened. Sometimes it's 3 weeks between sexual contact, sometimes 2 months.

Occasionally, something seems to just click and her own sex drive craves something 3 days in a row, but this is maybe a once a year occurrence and leaves me a bit confused.

Having all this pent up frustration means that sometimes, I can be a little blunt and sharp when listening to her own needs which leads to the following.

 

Her view:

She feels I don't care enough for her emotional needs and that I am a terrible listener.

Everything I say to her is negativity, telling her off and she feels she isn't good enough for me.

Everything good I do, I throw in her face, acting like I'm 'perfect'

Her sex drive isn't great and I need to learn to accept that

When she's sarcastic and mean, it's because of her anxiety and being backed into a corner. Once again, I need to accept that

 

How do I feel about her views?

 

With regards to her emotional needs, I admit that my ability to listen to her amicably has degraded due to my own frustrations, but I feel I have tried for such a long time to meet her emotional needs, to no improvement in her own behavior. Obviously not the best way to deal with things, but I feel I have tried for a long time.

She says that I'm very negative towards her, and whilst this may be occasionally true, I like to think I point out the good things she does when they occur. I feel that her anxiety issues cause her to only hear the bad in what I say.

It is true, lately I have begun to throw things in her face somewhat as I'm deeply frustrated with the tower of responsibilities I have, and the carefree life she gets to live whilst I also get no recompense for my efforts. I feel unappreciated and simply used for what I bring to the table.

Her comments about simply accepting her sex drive is lower than mine is a valid one, but this a 2-way street of compromise. In my own eyes, if I have to accept hers is lower, she has to accept mine is higher and we need an 'in the middle' compromise

Now, on the topic of her being sarcastic and mean, I cannot stress how immaturely I feel she does this. it's topics like 'Heh, okay, whatever, I guess I'm just not GOOD enough for you again!' and refuses to have any further input on the conversation/disagreement. She closes off communications and leaves me to stew, breeding further resentment with unresolved conflicts.

 

 

Well... that's about all I can type at the moment, and I don't know what I'm expecting here. I know noone can wave a magic wand and 'fix' this, but I'm hoping that there's a chance someone may be able to shine a light on things and suggest methods I have not attempted. There's no quick fix, and it's going to take effort, biting my tongue and taking an emotional bruise to my pride... but for this woman, I'm willing to do whatever I can to put things back on the right track. Things were golden once, now they're a mess.

 

What can I try? What can I improve on or do to change the current crash course this relationship is heading in? My head's a mess and I'm not thinking as logically as I usually would so I apologise if the answer is staring me in the face.

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Is she receiving any sort of treatment for anxiety? If not, why is that?

 

Obviously, things cannot continue as they are. But I am curious to hear what she is doing, if anything, to manage her anxiety. Because without her striving to improve her own emotional well-being, I don't see how any other measures you could take will be effective.

 

Your girlfriend reminds me a lot of an old friend of mine. She too suffers debilitating anxiety and eventually stopped working, leaving her then-husband to carry the bulk of the load in terms of finances, childcare and housework. She was very lackadaisical about truly getting help.

 

Notice I said then-husband; he is now her ex-husband.

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MissCanuck

 

Unfortunately she is opposed against treatment. She has been on medication before (never stuck with it) but refuses to see doctors because A. The act of going to the doctors itself is anxiety inducing, and B. She feels that the doctors can't help as they don't know what they're doing.

I've urged her on many an occasion to seek help, yet she refuses at most turns, simply stating that 'this is the way she is'

I've offered to go with her, to support her and help her condition in whatever way possible, but short of that, I don't know what else I can offer.

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Right. She needs to see a mental health professional for help and diagnosis.

 

I was going to say depression. Lack of motivation, not always showering, withdrawing socially, lack of sex drive, etc.

 

It’s not normal to not have any goals and drive in life and to play video games all day. I mean... video games are fun... but most people will want to get up and do something with their life after a while.

 

You can’t meet her emotional needs while she is unwell. No one could. They aren’t a “normal” or healthy amount of needs.

 

You should insist she see a doctor or break up with her. You can’t have a healthy relationship with an unhealthy person.

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RedDress, This is where I'm going to open up about a severe fear I have of mine, with regards to this girl, and why things have been going as long as they have.

 

A year and a half ago, I gave her the ultimatum that she sorts her stuff out or we're through.

She answered this with an attempt on her life while I was at work. Not an attention seeking kind, a genuine attempt on her life.

While I was at work, I had a message from a friend saying she wasn't acting right and something was VERY wrong with her. Putting 2 and 2 together, knowing her, and what had been said that day, I rushed home to find a deadlocked door that I had to kick in. Once I entered the building I found her lay on the floor in tears, barely concious having drank 2 entire liters of neat dark rum, and there were open packs of paracetamol on the floor.

Even after this, she refused to get help...

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You can’t be held hostage by an attempt of suicide.

 

If you fear for her life - which sounds reasonable - then you can call some of her family and friends to come over and be with her and/or monitor her or call 911 about your fears. You have to understand that YOU are not the cause of her taking her life. Her untreated depression is the cause of her attempting to take her life.

 

If you can’t get her to help and councilling, it sounds like you can benefit from this yourself. This will help you come to terms with why you are attracted to women who seem to have these troubles or needs and - being a mental health professional - they could more easily coach you in how to break up, or get her help, or understand that you are not responsible.

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That's actually something I'd never considered, RedDress. The thought of getting some form of mental help professionally for myself. Normally I view such a thing as desirable normally from a 'venting' point of view, but you may be right. Perhaps I have some of my own anxieties to deal with.

 

I just want her to be happy, but nowadays it feels like her happiness costs me mine, vice versa. It shouldn't be this way, it wasn't in the beginning.

I'll have a look around and see if there's anything local that isn't too expensive. Due to circumstances, I have very little expendable funds for this sort of thing I'm afraid.

EDIT: I keep forgetting that our low combined income might actually help towards receiving low-cost, potentially free treatment. I'll check to see if I'm eligible for any help

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That's actually something I'd never considered, RedDress. The thought of getting some form of mental help professionally for myself. Normally I view such a thing as desirable normally from a 'venting' point of view, but you may be right. Perhaps I have some of my own anxieties to deal with.

 

I just want her to be happy, but nowadays it feels like her happiness costs me mine, vice versa. It shouldn't be this way, it wasn't in the beginning.

I'll have a look around and see if there's anything local that isn't too expensive. Due to circumstances, I have very little expendable funds for this sort of thing I'm afraid.

EDIT: I keep forgetting that our low combined income might actually help towards receiving low-cost, potentially free treatment. I'll check to see if I'm eligible for any help

 

I would strongly encourage you to, if not for her, than for you. If she won't get help, I can't see how you can realistically remain in this relationship. Thus, you would also benefit from the guidance a professional can offer when ending it with someone who's suicidal.

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Well, I don't know what to tell you. Your story is almost exactly the same from a year ago, and you didn't follow any of the advice because here you are stuck in the same position, basically asking the same thing.

 

Anyways, she's actually inflicting a form of emotional abuse on you. Women do it differently from men, but she's controlling and manipulating you nonetheless. If you Google "emotional abuse" and "emotional dependency" you will see you and her described, including the suicide attempt to keep you in line. She should have been committed somewhere at that time to get help as a danger to herself. Does she have family or anyone who can come and collect her? With your own physical and emotional abuse issues, you're really not the best person to try to handle her. In fact, you've accepted her condition probably because you've been abused before.

 

Being a guy, you're mostly complaining about the lack of sex, but she has some serious mental issues going on including not being able to take care of herself. She's broken down completely and a lot of excuses won't save her.

 

At the least, you should call an abuse hotline and have somebody you can talk to and perhaps see what your options are. If you're in England, you have the NHS that can take care of her. If you're in the US, health insurance can take care of what she needs. The fact that she's indigent means you can probably get her signed up for Medicaid and it'll pay for everything.

 

You're not helping her by allowing her to live like this.

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