Where's my silver lining??? Am I beyond repair now??

We met in high school. Back then I didn't really like her so we broke up after I cheated with my crush at the time. We would bump into each other in random public places like Wawa and taco bell and saw each other after every hang out session with friends. We both had the same mutual friends, so they would text me before-hand to warn me she was over. She would leave and then I would show up.

This went on for about 5 years or so when all of a sudden after not seeing her for quite some time I saw her again lining up at the register at a local wawa. She was so beautiful this time around I could hardly believe it. She saw me too.

We ended up dating again and this time I was the one pining over her. There was a situation one time very early on in our relationship where she admitted she was having trouble trusting me because of what I had done to her in the past. She did everything to make me jealous or at least, that was my percieved thought of it all. I'll name two ocassions. One was when we were done doing it and she calmy explained that she would be right back because she had to go visit a lesbian friend of hers to go watch a movie. So i stayed behind in bed waiting for about an hour. She was back and ready to mingle. But I totally felt weird. The second time was when all of our friends were hanging out and one of my close friends grabbed her butt twice. Both times didn't look like she resisted and they actually both looked comfortable.

Anyway upon witnessing the ass grabbing, I felt very jealous and honestly heartbroken. So a couple nights later I go back to that same friend's house and have sex with his sister. I automatically felt bad and didn't know why I did it. I guess looking back it was because I felt I needed to dominate or feel as though I just wanted to forget the ass grabbing incident. I dont know I just felt like I needed to be evil.. Which i never had a feeling to do before. His sister kept bugs in jars and stuff and was just really weird for my taste.

Anyway I felt really bad and decided to get real serious with myself and my now girlfriend. I didn't tell her the truth until many years later after the guilt tore me up inside and aged me. I had a cigarette addiction at that point and gained a lot of weight. I smoked weed all the time and was just.. I couldn't believe how bad I turned. I was so young before all of that.

I tell her the truth after one of my many paranoid fights with her. At this point she had turned into a very sad, negative version of herself. Far from the glow she had when I first met her in highschool. She was weaker, and i was just the worst..

Anyway our relationship ended about 2 months ago. I miss her, and I really did love her. But not in the way that she deserved. I sank the relationship down intentionally, just ed it all up. Self sabotaged.. I guess looking back it was a mixture of a lot of things. I had cheated on her twice because of something - I couldn't quite put the pieces together as to why. Back in highschool she used to sit on random dude's laps while she was obviously into me - and then years later I mentioned the ass incident and lesbian hang out - I guess I lost respect for her but had such low self esteem that I stook around for fear of being alone. And I stayed battling those thoughts for four years. Enough to make me old and weak.. I still don't know why I did all of that!

Its been two months since we last talked being civil - she put a restraining order on me that was dismissed. In the court hearing which was litterally just 12 days ago she told every lie to make me look so bad. She insitgated a lot of our arguments and she mixed in truths with half truths. One incident she brought up was when I punched her arm and left a bruise. That was true! but before that she had hit me so many times and was pretty much yelling and going insane in the car. Two weeks before that incident she punched me 5 times in my face in front of the guy who grabbed her ass and his fat friend. this isn''t counting every other unnamed incident where she's assulted me, scratched me and spit at me. She was so spoiled I didn't even bother reporting her for any of those incidents since her dad and fam are so rich.

I know, I'm such a dumb ass for sticking around. And I've had it with myself, thinking something must be so wrong with me.

The order was dismissed. It was originally granted because I apparently broke into my own apartment (my name is on the lease) to retrieve my metabones speed booster (700$ camera adaptor).. but the judge said she was pretty much crazy and its my place. I didn't break any laws. She did try to bury me by saying I punched her arm that one time in which I told the truth and confessed - and also told the judge what she had done to me 2 weeks prior. The two incidents occured 1 and half years ago so the judge didn't do anything about it.

Anyway I still miss her.. even though my mind is telling me what the hell. four years wasted, and all I got out of it was beer belly and no brain left to even write a half decent story of what took place. Im so lazy now that I dont even correct spelling errors and just want to get to the end of typing.

Im reaching out here because I'm just so tired of being alone with all of this. I litterally have no one to talk to now, as all my friends decided to side with her and the temporary restraining order fkd up my pizza job. So I've been home playing runescape and just trying to talk to strangers online.

Im upset most days, and just wanna sleep. I've been in bed for 2 months with a heavyness in my heart. I wake up dreaming about her and go back to sleep thinking about her. I've blocked her off insta, fb, and it was not enough so i deleted all of my social sites.

Four years sleeping next to someone (we lived together), 11 years knowing each other - and have had a lot of history. How the hell do I find my silver lining in all of this?:upset:

So unhealthy. Stay away from each other.

I also suggest counseling to deal with your issues.

Take responsibility and make some life changes. Time to get your sh*t together!

The title of your post is interesting: Where's my silver lining?

What did you expect from all of this drama and ridiculous, self-centered behavior? Some sort of reward?

If you want to get better, you have to understand and take responsibility for your own role in this ugly situation. The change in you has to be permanent, or you'll just repeat the same disaster with different people.

Totally up to you.

Why don't you see your doctor for some meds to help with your depression and to get a referral to a therapist that you can talk to and help you to overcome your lack of motivation and out of your general negativity.

You two were like oil and water... you just don't mesh.

The quicker you accept that you're better off without her and work on you, the quicker you'll be over her.

Well, I think the silver lining here is that you need to fix yourself. This is your side of the story, but I'm picking up hints here and there of you instigating fights, you being jealous, you cheating on her, you smoking weed, and you bothering her so much she took out a restraining order against you. You basically wore her down to a mere shell of herself. If I were to fill in the blanks, I would guess you were inflicting emotional abuse on her throughout the relationship, and the only bad things you can say about her was she sat on some dude's lap when she wasn't even dating you, and some guy grabbed her ass and she didn't protest enough for your tastes.

I think you need some deep therapy to deal with your jealousy and abuse issues. You can start by getting out of bed and start exercising. Get out and about. Go walking, hiking, maybe even running. Get off the weed. Go get a job. And go see someone about your issues. After all this, you might be in shape to date again, but not with this girl. You've blown that chance.

Well, you have a plethora of self-esteem and self-worth issues that you are blaming on your failed relationship with a high school sweetheart who also has a plethora of self-esteem and self-worth issues. That relationship started off toxic, and ended toxic. It will NEVER be anything other than toxic, should you decide to pick it back up again. And sorry, but if someone had tried to put a restraining order on you, it's a big red sign that this is not worth trying again.

Your silver lining is that you are now free to wash your hands of this extremely toxic relationship that made you feel miserable, jealous, and so low to the point where you let yourself go in many ways. Now, you have SO MUCH time to work on improving yourself, gaining self-esteem, and work on establishing new friendships and relationships that are not going to be toxic to you. That is your silver lining.

I know what I must do. But my guilt and all these terrible feelings plus me trying to quit smoking cigarettes (I haven't had a cigg for 2 days and havent smoked pot in 3 weeks)

- yeah I just toss and turn in bed. I drink tea to try and relax and have slowly incorporated meditation. I somewhat have my old job back but only some days depending on if they need a driver. These are little steps but its something to me right now.

I don't know if this is smart but I keep watching sad movies. I saw Hachi recently and was bawling.. Eternal Sunshine really messed me up.. Just to get me feeling something again.

I keep worrying about her and how she's coping and it sucks cause she's not with me anymore so I shouldn't ever have to worry about her again. But it's hard not to when most of my life revolved around her every day for four years. It's like suddenly she died and vanished - no existence and I just have to act like nothing ever happened? Like where's the silver lining in that?

I get it, I know - I have to be strong. There are issues with my jealousy, promiscu, bad habbits etc -- I just want to know how the hell this all happened to me. Prior to this, I litterally was in an all keto diet and had a steady job and didn't have an addiction. I won like 40k at a sunday mulligan for texas holdem' when Iwas 17 (before focus issues due to pot and cigarettes).

I don't just blame her for what's happened. I know I had something to do with it too! But there were plenty of instances where she started a lot of the trust issue stuff very early in the relationship. I was 110 conscious and aware of all those situations. I have the memories in my head, and can recount exactly how I saw it. Her laughing and giggling when guys would hit on her. I don't know it still makes me feel betrayed even though everything else has already happened. I guess this is why I need therapy right? Because there's no way this mind-set is normal and I believe no one else here feels this way about memories like I do! It just sucks because I felt like I was some what normal before her, which was like 11 years ago lol.. Since then I've witnessed a suicide in the park by hanging, my best friend dying in a car accident and my increase in trying all the bad stuff I didn't get to do when I wass a lot younger.

If i go way back in my memory bank, I remember being a simple kid - went to school, went home and watched PBS Arthur shows. Played tennis, baseball and had activities aside from gambling. It's crazy how in some ways I don't have the courage to blame myself - but I know there had to have been something else that did this to me. I still don't know what the hell it is.

I was so afraid of losing her when I've lost a lot of things in the past already - perhaps that's also the issue with me. I can't deal with loss, or the idea of someone having control of me like that. I hate to feel vulnerable. So I end it and sabotage it myself. I run away as soon as someone gets too close.

But seriously guys I did try for four years though. At first I tried to just bury the secret in my head. I would do practically everything she asked of me. I remember really trying my hardest to be a better man - but she just kept on the gas. She never stopped - and I feel like I ended up hitting a wall and just started giving up. There was at least 2 years of me on my game, with fire - I thought I was doing so well. And then it all just came crashing down. Like how the hell do people last in life-time relationships with a family, passions and close relations coupled with success??? HOW DO YOU ALL DO IT?

If you start taking responsibility, then you can start to turn things around.

Have you considered a return to school?

If you start taking responsibility, then you can start to turn things around.

 

Have you considered a return to school?

Yeah but i don't even know what to take up. i worked at a nursing home for a year as a dietary aide and saw what it was like taking care of the elderly. Played chess with some of them after every shift. I ended up quitting that job too.. I still feel terrible about it because after about a week of quitting, I started really wanting the job back even though it was tough and in an environment where people were sick. I just really had a heart for CNA and nurses helping these folks day in and out.. And i loved hearing the stories from old vets about what took place in vietnam and stuff. I also really find happiness in helping people like that. Makes me feel like I've done something for the world.

But i looked into schooling to be a nurse and it's gonna take a lot of time. And I personally dont know if I can hack it for a long long period of time - even though somewhere in my heart it feels like it would give me something I was lacking.

I'm relatively good with numbers and high pressured scenarios thats why I got into poker to begin with. I first started when I was really young, learned cards with my grandpa who lived in the basement. I didn't have air conditioning but he did, so i would go down there and hang out with him when I was like 5. He taught me chess, chinese checkers, go, gin rummy and poker. I loved it right away, and soon started playing with all the grownups in town jersey city before I moved to Cherry Hill. I really relished in those days because I felt like I learned something new and was even coined "the kid" - a lot of people seemed to think I could have been a prodigy/contender. At 17 I won the mulligan and didn't pursue going to school because I was making so much at the poker games. When online poker was shut down, irs filed for bank closure and we all lost our rolls. I had over 100k in my account that I started from 15 and had till I was 18. All gone, and still waiting for monthly payments from Fulltilt poker. So at 21 I had no advanced education and nothing to show for it besides some skills I've learned in the past. I also at that point didn't want to go to school for fear of losing an edge in the game so I started pizza delivery and poker at the casinos in philly.

If I go back to school, perhaps classes for finance or stocks or business management. All of those would be a good idea right? But what if I've also spent most of my fuel and will power and drive with this relationship and the youth I had back then? is that all still salvageable? I'll be 30 april next year. I'm afraid I don't have nearly as much heart as I did. Heck some nights I don't even want to bluff anyone anymore because Im not sure if my bones can still take the hard knocks of life.

You need to speak with a career specialist.

I Thought nursing was a two-year deal. This is nothing. This is your future, unless you want to be in a dead-end job for the rest of your life.

Gambling is not the way to go. If you are good with numbers, then look into accounting finance and programming. I went back to school at 40 and received a degree in Public Affairs. Returned at 47 to study Finance. Stop making excuses, and realize you need to work to get what you want.

It's up to you if you want to make something of your life.

You need to speak with a career specialist.

 

I Thought nursing was a two-year deal. This is nothing. This is your future, unless you want to be in a dead-end job for the rest of your life.

 

Gambling is not the way to go. If you are good with numbers, then look into accounting finance and programming. I went back to school at 40 and received a degree in Public Affairs. Returned at 47 to study Finance. Stop making excuses, and realize you need to work to get what you want.

 

It's up to you if you want to make something of your life.

I think I know what to do. I have to get better. Be better. You're right - I still have plenty of time. This is my future I have to take charge. I have to do this for myself.

I'm going to continue living life, being happy and nurturing any success that comes in my way. If in a years time she's still around, I'll do my best to prove to her that I see a difference now in my action. I will love better the next time im given a chance. If it's not her, then its someone else. I'll keep this in mind.

Unless you're trolling, you need to get your act together.

-I had a cigarette addiction at that point and gained a lot of weight.

-I smoked weed all the time and was just.

-I had cheated on her twice

- she put a restraining order on me that was dismissed.

-I punched her arm and left a bruise.

-I got out of it was beer belly

-the temporary restraining order fkd up my pizza job.